Would you let your 12yo see the body of a relative?

[MunchMunch]

I won't post any other details other than the facts, or comment on this thread in case it gets picked up by a journalist.

12yo really wants to see the body of a close relative at the funeral home. I'm unsure, dh says no. I don't want to make the wrong decision, I won't ask anyone irl as they're involved and I think their decisions will be based on their emotional feelings on letting a 12yo see a body.

YABU - let them go, maybe good for closure. Their decision etc

YANBU - don't let them go, lots of reasons why it could be a bad idea.

Thank you

I'd let them
Death is a part of life and the less taboo it is the better

By the time mine were 9 and 12 they had seen 3 dead people. Completely normal in my experience.

I would if he’s not a over sensitive type, I wonder if it’s a bit of scientific curiosity on his side, nothing wrong with this. I would explain him that he is not obliged to do it and what he should expect. I would also try to make it brief and purposeful e.g he would bring flowers.
I saw a neighbour’s body at this age and was very upset but I was very sensitive child and it’s was in a moment of music and crying so I think now that probably the atmosphere affected me rather then seeing the body.

I would let your DC go. I'd explain in advance a little what to expect. That this is a body, it may not look like relative you knew etc. Then ask if they still want to. I think 12 is old enough to decide and you shouldn't take that decision away.

I wouldn't, no. I was once 'invited' to view the body of a deceased neighbour ( not in the UK). I didn't really want to, but in that country it was a sign that you were a close friend, and it would have been rude to refuse. But I found the experience very weird, and I am an adult. I'm not sure how it would affect a 12 year old so I wouldn't want to risk it.

My grandad died when I was 14-I wasn’t given the choice-it was a blanket ‘no’
i don’t think I would have gone but I should have been given the choice either way-it made it harder to grieve for him in an odd way

a dear friend died and some tit of a teacher told dd (aged about 13/14) that not only would she have to see my friends body-she’d have to touch it (not true-I went apeshit and she denied saying it even though there was witnesses)
my dd freaked out,refused to go to the funeral and has refused to go to any funerals since

we lost my fil last year-and we where asked if we wanted to see him
we both refused-I couldn’t bear to see his body-it wasn’t him anymore
my mil said his hair was ‘lovely and soft’ and I’ll always remember his hair due to her comment

id give the child a choice-they may change their mind at the door but at least they choose how to say goodbye

I'm very much for older kids finding their own way with this kind of thing but based on my own experience I'd say absolutely not.

My dad passed away last year and mum and I went to view him. I'd seen the body of a loved one before in a slightly different context, and am generally fairly unfazed by that kind of thing.

My mum is quite highly strung and I mainly went as I thought she'd go to pieces.

As it was she was absolutely fine, and I completely lost it. Managed to glimpse my dads face for a couple of seconds from a few feet away before completely breaking down, running from the room screaming 'that's not my dad'.

Actually in tears typing this and couldn't read the other replies.

Mum visited him a few more times and found it really helpful. I had a closed coffin visit the day before his funeral which was just right for me, and I'd suggest that at 12yo this might be a better idea.

If they're still adamant they want to actually see their loved one, then all you can do is make a decision based on their maturity levels, which you are in the best position to judge.

FWIW my then 16yo didn't come to the funeral home at all.

At 12 I would definitely let them if they asked.

I'm unsure why in this culture we are so afraid of death. It is sadly a big part of life and making it a taboo subject does nothing to help anyone.

I saw my Grandad when I was 14 in the chapel at the hospital laid out on the day he died with my mum & (other) granny. My granny kissed him & said goodbye. He looked like a wax work model. Not really like a real person. This has not erased my other memories of him. I wasn't traumatised either.

It absolutely depends on the child.

I saw someone who had died when I was about 10, and that was ok for me.

However that would not be good for my 11 year old or possibly my older teenager so it depends on the child.

Be cautious about making this decision on your child’s behalf when they have clearly expressed their own preference. This is their one and only opportunity with their uncle, this is not a decision that can be changed later, once it is done it is done.

I saw my first body (my grandfather) when I was 25 and had a full blown panic attack. Maybe if I'd been allowed to see my other grandparents who died when I was a child, I would not have had this reaction. I certainly didn't react the same way to my grandmothers body, nor my sons body.
Be ready for anything if you allow this.

My dad died when I was 17, I wasn’t with him when he died, didn’t see him after he died and I have regretted it ever since.

No chance. I saw my MIL, and it still upsets me thirty years later. And I didn’t even like her!

I think it's important to explain what they will see, yes the body will look like the person they have lost but they also won't, there's an emptiness a hollowness that can be quite distressing. It isn't the same as seeing a sleeping person. I saw my dad immediately after he had passed away and was struck by how quickly he had gone from this vivacious and almost overwhelming person to 'just' a body.

I'm sorry for your loss

Reading these replies, a lot of the people who found it traumatic seem to have been expecting to see their relative, but as if they were asleep.

For me, seeing what was recognisably her body, but it not being her, helped seal in my mind that she really was dead.

So I think the key in this case is expectations. Make sure they understand the relative is dead, that it’s their body and not them.

In terms of memories, I’ve found that the most recent memories loom large, but with the passage of time they recede. I remember my mother in her prime, not in her long and crippling illness.

After a conversation or two explaining how they look the same but different when dead I would, especially since he's asked.
I think it's important he knows what to expect in advance so that he doesn't freak out. No need for anyone to freak out, death is a fact of life. But I choose not to "view the body" as an adult, there's no point as the person I loved has gone and there's just a shell left behind.

My gut says no, but it depends on the child.

I understand that we need to be more open about death as a society, but I feel like you should ease into that gently. Not "first experience, here's a corpse."

I chose not to see my dad after he passed. I decided that I'd rather remember him as the person he was in life, not the shell in the coffin. I've never regretted that decision.

If he wants to see the deceased person then he should be allowed to.
We had my mum brought home the night before her funeral and 6 or 7 of the younger grandchildren decided that they wanted to see her too. My brother was appalled at the idea he thought that they would be traumatised but it was fine, the kids all handled it really well, in fact it was quite sweet really as some of them drew pictures or wrote notes to her telling her how much they loved her and the latest footy scores, it made us all smile to see mum in her coffin with all these notes, pictures and even her favourite sweets that the kids had brought her. I'm certain that it helped them all come to terms with it and helped them cope at the funeral the next day.

If you let him, do it quickly. Bodies change quickly. And chat a lot about it afterwards.

Yes, if the child asks to and things have been explained to them. I have worked in a role where children saw siblings after they had died and when handled sensitively it can be part of the grieving process.

I wouldn’t like this. I think it best to leave that sort of experience to adulthood.

I was in my 20's when my father passed away. He always wore glasses and when I saw him laid out, he wasn't wearing them so I didn't even recognise him. His glasses were absolutely a part of him, he'd worn them all his life (and all my life too) and the funeral home weren't made aware and they left them in his hands. My poor mother who had just lost her husband had to go up, remove the glasses from his hands and put them on his face because people (not just me) just didn't recognise him without them being on his face. I preferred to remember my dad, alive, and doing the gardening, not laid out not wearing his glasses etc. so once I had said my goodbyes, I didn't want to see his remains again.

If your 12 year old wants to say their farewells to the deceased, I'd let them. It's not for everyone but if your 12 year old wants to do it, I'd let them.

If they had a close relationship and understand the process of death, and want to see the relative, then it's fine. Done sensitively it can help with saying goodby the their relative

Personally I'd discourage him but ultimately at 12 I'd respect his decision.

I am Irish and remain traumatised by the bloody fascination with death that I grew up around. Whenever you get a group of my family together the talk always turns to death. As a child I was regularly encouraged to touch dead relatives in someone's living room, surrounded by adults downing Brandy and whiskey, was awful and has somewhat tainted my judgement.
I'm glad some Irish posters on here feel differently, but for me, I wouldn't hold up the Irish model of bereavement as a paradigm of good practice at all.