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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your 12yo see the body of a relative?

125 replies

MunchMunch · 11/08/2022 08:49

I won't post any other details other than the facts, or comment on this thread in case it gets picked up by a journalist.

12yo really wants to see the body of a close relative at the funeral home. I'm unsure, dh says no. I don't want to make the wrong decision, I won't ask anyone irl as they're involved and I think their decisions will be based on their emotional feelings on letting a 12yo see a body.

YABU - let them go, maybe good for closure. Their decision etc

YANBU - don't let them go, lots of reasons why it could be a bad idea.

Thank you

OP posts:
Elsiebear90 · 11/08/2022 09:08

Absolutely not, I’m around dead bodies frequently due to my line of work and when they’ve been dead for a while (as in longer than a few hours) they do not look like they’re asleep. I would not want that to be my lasting memory of a loved one.

WhenDovesFly · 11/08/2022 09:10

If the 12yo has proactively asked, and they're quite mature for their age, then yes I'd consider it.

I'm a funeral arranger by the way. If you're thinking of going ahead then I'd suggest speaking with your funeral director and finding out the condition of the deceased. If you've opted for embalming then often it can make the deceased look "well" and at peace. On the day you may want to view the deceased first to feel happy in your own mind that there's not too stark a difference to how the child knew them, and take the 12yo back a little later.

I actually think it's good for children to learn and understand about death from an early age (not small children, but pre-teen upwards) as it then becomes less mysterious or frightening when they have to deal with it as young adults.

Sorry for your loss OP.

OrlandointheWilderness · 11/08/2022 09:11

Yabu. I remember going to a get together at a funeral home (god knows why, parents were vicars so that maybe to do with it!) at about 8. They had a lady in an open casket. The chief overriding memory I hope from this even is the fact the lovely funeral director went to the shop to get me a can of tango! Death is part of life, if you think the child in question will be okay with it I'd say yes. Do they want to go?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/08/2022 09:12

Elsiebear90 · 11/08/2022 09:08

Absolutely not, I’m around dead bodies frequently due to my line of work and when they’ve been dead for a while (as in longer than a few hours) they do not look like they’re asleep. I would not want that to be my lasting memory of a loved one.

Obviously they don't look asleep,they're dead. Some people find death easier to deal with when they can clearly see the body doesn't look like their loved one any more. I'm one of those people and it sounds like the OPs daughter might be one of them too. She's 12,let her decide.

mondaytosunday · 11/08/2022 09:13

Yes if that's what the child wants.

OrlandointheWilderness · 11/08/2022 09:14

Sorry just read the op properly! If they feel strongly about it then yes, definitely.

Charlieiscool · 11/08/2022 09:15

I think I’d go with the cultural norm. In Ireland it’s a normal thing to do and I think they acknowledge death in a healthy way. If it’s just a ghoulish fascination and not usual in your culture then no.

Hbh17 · 11/08/2022 09:17

I have never understood the need to see the body of a deceased person, so wouldn't choose it for myself. However, I wouldn't want to stop anyone making that choice for themselves and at 12 they are old enough to do so. It's certainly true that it's good for them to learn that death isn't something to be feared.

perimenofertility · 11/08/2022 09:18

Yes I would let them go if they have asked to.
I've always found it very peaceful to visit deceased relatives. For me, seeing that it is only the physical body left and not the real person has always helped me come to terms with the death.
I would have the conversation first about the deceased not looking how they did when alive, and explain they can stay with the deceased as long or short a time as they are comfortable with.

Ducksurprise · 11/08/2022 09:20

Ghoulish fascination wtf?

Death is a lot for adults to process, I think as English society we have become too far removed from an important part of life bodies should be disposed of asap is not imo a healthy approach to death.

Op as your child has asked I think they should be allowed, agree with talking about the reality first, Flowers for you both, I'm sorry for your loss.

Benjispruce4 · 11/08/2022 09:21

@Elsiebear90 my DM did look like she was asleep. This was several days after she had died and was in the funeral home. I had sent in clothes and she looked like my mum asleep. It was feeling the cold within touching her and seeing her in the coffin that I found hard, not the body.

Benjispruce4 · 11/08/2022 09:21
  • without
Pbbananabagel · 11/08/2022 09:25

Yes absolutely.
we need to normalise death and grieving again here in the UK, we are one of very few places who do not routinely allow children to view the dead as a matter of course and I think that’s why it is doubly shocking for some when you view your first body as an adult. Let your 12yr old say their goodbyes and be there to comfort them.

VickyEadieofThigh · 11/08/2022 09:26

SwanLake66 · 11/08/2022 08:52

It's a very difficult decision and I have no idea whether I would let my 12yr old but as an adult when I saw my MIL it was the first time and I freaked out. I didn't like it at all and it really upset me. Not sure I would do it again tbh. So I think it depends on the child's personality etc. Do they want to?

I've copied into this comment because that was exactly my reaction on seeing my deceased MIL; she looked perfectly peaceful, but it didn't look like her and I was traumatised by it for some considerabler time after. I was 48!

More recently, five years ago I saw my own mother just an hour after her death. Whilst she looked like herself, the word I've used since then is "pathetic" - not in the negative judgmental sense, but in the 'full of pathos' sense. It made me feel terrible.

So, no - I wouldn't let a 12 year old see a deceased person. When you're an adult, you make the decision for yourself.

LisaD1 · 11/08/2022 09:26

I would and did give my child the choice. I explained what they looked like and how they felt. She chose to remember her loved one alive. At her age I did see my own grandfather, we were very close and he died on a day I was due to visit him, I saw him in the chapel of rest and it gave me the closure I needed from that missed visit. I think it’s all about choices, when someone dies that’s taken away so give it when it comes to that final goodbye.

JenniferBarkley · 11/08/2022 09:27

If he wants to go, let him. I think it's important.

Just prepare him for the fact that the body will look a bit different. Personally I find that helpful - the person I loved is gone, and the body is at rest having done its job.

I think going against his wishes could be harmful, just make sure he knows he can leave any time.

misskatamari · 11/08/2022 09:31

It’s so tough, and I honestly don’t know what I would do.

I saw my mum in the funeral home, and it was odd and weird and didn’t look like her. I don’t know how I would have coped with something like that at 12.
Its hard, because you don’t want to deny him this chance to say goodbye, but equally it could be traumatic and you want to protect him against that.

if you do decide to let him, I would make sure to really warn him in advance (gently of course), that it likely won’t look like his uncle as he remembers him, and that obviously it might be very upsetting and overwhelming. And make sure he can leave at any point of it gets too much. I was an adult seeing mum, and could only stay a couple of minutes as it was just too much.

whatever you decide will be the right decision ❤️

CounsellorTroi · 11/08/2022 09:32

My DN saw my mum after she’d died at her nursing home. I think it helped, she looked very peaceful.

CounsellorTroi · 11/08/2022 09:33

CounsellorTroi · 11/08/2022 09:32

My DN saw my mum after she’d died at her nursing home. I think it helped, she looked very peaceful.

Sorry meant to add he was 8.

Chasingclouds100 · 11/08/2022 09:35

So sorry for your loss. I was a young adult when I saw my Mum at the chapel of rest and it gave me nightmares for years after so much so that when my brother died 5 years later I felt too terrified to go and see him. I was with both my Mum and my brother when they died and watching someone die in my opinion was less traumatic than seeing them afterwards. My Son is 12 also and I wouldn’t want him to. Please think carefully

LittleOwl153 · 11/08/2022 09:39

It's an interesting question. When my grandparents died I was 20+ I was with them both as they died, I had no interest in seeing them once they'd been moved - which many thought was odd but then I come from a Catholic NE family where the dead are brought home and laid out for everyone to view....

When my MIL died my kids were 10 and 6. My 10yr old didn't want to see her gran where she died - some hours after death but hadn't been moved. (Nor did I!) But my youngest spent ages in there with his dad chatting away.

I think if you /your husband has view the body and can confirm there is nothing traumatic to see, that things haven't changed significantly then I would let the 12yr old do as he wishes but be there to support him, even if that is from outside although I'd say either you or your husband / his dad should go with him.

Fuuuuuckit · 11/08/2022 09:41

I wouldn't.

My kids (18,15) wanted to see their grandma and I discouraged them. Her in a coffin is my lasting memory, despite a lifetime of adventures, love and happy times.

Have a Frank discussion about why not and encourage him to remember good times, happy places and a face beaming with life and love - no matter how peaceful the death there is no comparison between a living face and the stark reality of a body that is no longer alive.

Baxdream · 11/08/2022 09:42

I saw a family member at 13. I have to be honest I gained nothing from it and it did nothing for my grieving process. It also didn't harm me in any way.

However, due to my work, I have seen a lot of dead bodies since and I know too much about the process. I wouldn't see any relatives now personally for this reason.

So to answer your question, what are you hoping to achieve by him seeing his uncle?

Astrabees · 11/08/2022 09:42

Do you know what the deceased looks like at the funeral home? I say this as I went to see my father before his funeral. He had had a very rough time with cancer but in his coffin he looked really well. I did have a close look at how they had achieved this but even quite close he looked like a perfectly well version of himself but asleep. I was really pleased I went. My mother and I sat for quite a long time talking to him and it made me feel a lot better.
When my mother died I went to see her too, she looked so ridiculous I said to her that she would have a right laugh if she could see what they had done. No make up and her hair just brushed upwards like a troll toy. She refused to have the same undertaker as m father because they were expensive so I suppose she got what she paid for!

10HailMarys · 11/08/2022 09:43

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Personally, if they want to see the body, I would let them. Have a conversation with them first about what to expect and that it might not look exactly like the person did when they were alive, but at 12 I think they're old enough to decide if they want to see them or not.

It's very clear from the mixed replies that other people's experiences of this vary a great deal and that everyone is different, so I don't think what people thought when they did/didn't see their own relatives' bodies is actually relevant here. It's a personal thing so I think you have to let your child decide. 12 is old enough to make that decision.