For considering if I’ve royally fucked up with my life choices?

[Tiredasamf]

Currently in the supermarket car park doing an evening emergency formula dash having a slight breakdown about my life choices. Let me say one thing before I say anything else - I love my children dearly. They really are the light of my life (cringe) and the best little people in the world.

However. I’m so sick of mum life.

I have 4 children, my eldest is 4 nearly 5, my youngest is 6 months. My husband and I are both self employed, but his work means he’s out of the house most days meanwhile I’m trying to work from home with the children.

2 eldest are at school/nursery. 2 youngest are at home with me 24/7.

I’m just so sick of it. I’m sick of the crying, there’s always someone crying.

Sick of the tantrums and screaming and bickering

Sick of the school run

Sick of having to lug 2-4 babies/children out with me everywhere I go, in and out of car seats and pushchairs even if it’s just to pop to the shop.

Sick of getting no sleep, I never get more than 2 hours in a row without someone waking up.

Sick of being needed ALL THE TIME

Sick of being pulled at and climbed on and touched all the time

Sick of being moaned at for every thing I do. It’s never enough or right!

Sick of having to put everyone above myself every minute of every day

Most of the people I went to school with don’t have kids yet, and I look at them and sometimes I’m so jealous. I see them going about their day, run into them in town and they’re so chill. They can do what they like. They don’t have to think of feed timings and bed time routines and babysitters and homework

I just want to be able to sit on the sofa without 3 children piling on me, pulling my hair and asking me a hundred questions a minute.

I want to watch a tv programme without having to tend to a crying baby every 10 minutes

I want to be able to go out of the house without taking most of the contents of it with me

I want to be able to have sex with my husband without it being a quickie or interrupted by children

I want to not be needed.

I know this was my life choice and I’m not looking for sympathy.

I do all the mum stuff and I do it well, we go out every day, we go to soft plays, playgroups, parks, days out. We do activities, we smile. People always compliment my coping with it all, but the reality is I’m not coping and I’m not enjoying it.

am I the only one who feels this way? Will it get better? I feel like I’m right back at the start again with the baby, and having 4 so young is SO draining and non stop, it’s like a conveyor belt of children who need something or are moaning about something one by one.

I don’t know what I want from this thread but I needed to vent. Please be kind and don’t comment if you’re going to make me feel like a terrible mother

Honestly? You are probably a bit burnt out and need a break.
was also the first of our friends to have kids and it’s hard.
Best suggestion I have? If you can go away for 2 nights alone. DH Mans the fort. Even if it’s just a travel lodge. You need a break.
i know difficult if breastfeeding. So if that’s the case take your baby with you. But have a break

Kids are exhausting and relentless. I have one who runs me ragged.

It’s probably not much consolation now, but if your friends have children in later life, they’ll be exhausted while you’re free.

Bless you, not a bad mum at all just totally overwhelmed understandably so.
I had 3 under 3 1/2 so I understand to an extent what you are saying. I remember crying in the corner of the babies room because I hadn't slept more than 1 hour in so long, and the constant, constant feeling of never being left alone for a second.
The feeling touched out, overwhelmed and like you just need a break is normal and certainly doesn't make you a bad mum.
Is there anyone who can help even for an hour so you can go for a walk or a bath or just something that gives you alone time?
No real advice but if its any consolation at all it really does get easier. I have to almost seek my children out now to spend time with them!

4 kids under 5 years old??

No negative judgement from me, in my eyes you deserve a medal, you must be a strong women because I know I wouldn’t be able to handle or cope with that.

Maybe get a nanny or rope in family to help. If you don’t have the money then make the money, I would genuinely cancel phone bills, tv anything that it took to get a nanny as I know I wouldn’t be able to cope without one, in my eyes the sacrifices would be worth it.

Bless you OP, I couldn't have managed 4 little ones at once. You're a saint! Can your partner or a friend or grandparent be recruited to give you a break of an hour or so each day so you can take a bath at leisure or go for a walk on your own? It's a small thing but it might make life more bearable.

4 children in 4/5 years is a huge lifestyle commitment.

There's no point in my asking you why did you but this feeling of yours was bound to happen.

Something has to give. It looks like you.

Where does your husband fit in to all of this?

You cannot work from home with four children in four years and all under 5.

I assume with 4 under 5 you had some burning desire for a big family. I mean, love, what on earth did you expect? I have one and I had moments!

However, it's the worst it's going to be. So you just have to power through! And use any scrap of help anyone wants to offer!

4 kids is an awful lot, 4 kids under 5 is just huge. You are doing extraordinarily well to be keeping your head above water at all.

Is there any way at all you can get some childcare, your husband can reduce his hours so you can work, or you can quit work for a couple years?

If there isn’t / you don’t want to, then all you can do is push through. You can probably reduce some of the good mum stuff you do. You can get your husband to cover on his on for a few hours a couple times a week so you can go out. And just remember - this is as bad as it’s going to get.

You are at the worst bit at the moment. One by one the pushchairs will go. And the nappies. And they will eat/toilet/ walk independently. Then you can be smug and drink your hot coffee, eat your hot food whilst your friends are in the midst of babyhood!

I normally just lurk on here but I couldn't just read and run.

I've been there! By the time my oldest child was 3 and 7 months, I had had another 3 children. I had 3 and under, it was utter madness and relentless.

It does get better,honestly! Mine are now 11,10,9 and 8,they all go to school, play together and are pretty independent. My career is on track and I get plenty of time to myself and with my DH.

Just be kind to yourself, it will all work out!

We’re both from big families so knew what it was like.. in our defence (not that I need to defend myself) the 4th was not planned, contraception failed us.. but he was a happy surprise.

my partner is very hands on, not much patience so that tantrums/crying always falls on me. But he’s around quite a bit and does his fair share of both parenting and household stuff

we don’t get much help from family, only if we’ve got an event to go to like a wedding or planned occasion.. my mum will not have all 4, DH’s mum has 11 other grandchildren who she looks after a lot so we don’t like to ask. We don’t get any day to day help or little breaks. Can’t afford a nanny

can’t afford childcare either, it’s extortionate around here, minimum £60 a day so for us that would be £120 a day, my business is just getting off the ground so I make nowhere near that to be able to afford it.

I can’t see the light but I know deep down it will all be worth it.

@Fcuktherain thats what I needed to hear, your age gaps are very similar to mine.. at the moment all mine do is argue and winge and scream at each other so I’m hoping I get to where you are one day!

hats off to you too, it’s bloody hard

Most of the people I went to school with don’t have kids yet, and I look at them and sometimes I’m so jealous. I see them going about their day, run into them in town and they’re so chill

In 10-15 years time they will be jealous of you! You will be the one with more time on your hands, not worrying about babysitters, and bedtime routines and some of them will be in the thick of it.

This will get better

You had 4 kids relatively quickly. Of course it is going to be hard, it will get better as they get older. Although they'll cost more too. But it will get easier.

I'm amazed it took you to four kids to realise this. I thank my lucky stars I realised what a con motherhood was at two kids and never had anymore! Love them to bits before anyone flames me!

Anyway, school holidays are the worst. Soon they'll be back...it will get easier once they're all school age too.

The arguing and the whinging does feel never ending and it does carry on as they get older but in different ways, easier ways!

I know everyone thinks that not having an age gap between is not great but for me it worked out well. They are all interested in the same stuff. They have all gone to primary school together, my oldest has just finished Yr 6 and has got a place in a great grammar school. Every year from now I will have one leave primary school.

We literally started with nothing but have a built our lives up with the children in tow. Hang tight it will get better!

On the bright side, not having time for sex is a blessing since the very last thing you need right now is another child!!

You sound like you are doing so well. I think you just need to keep hanging on in their until it gets easier (and it will, I promise).

The friends who haven't had kids yet are probably having very dull lives. Maybe they are bored, rather than chilled out?

Try to schedule in a couple of hours break for yourself on the weekend. Even if it's just to got and read a book in the car or have a snooze there.

Keep on keeping on, you are doing a marvellous job and one day will have the utter joy of knowing you brought four new lives into the world together with all the love and excitement they bring.

I have said yabu but only because you are accepting the status quo. You cannot wfh with young kids, you either pay for childcare from joint wages or you give up work. You are a great mum but at this stage my kids were in nursery and I went into work. Unless you are a childminder you need to address this. Have a weekend away on your own it with matées to make a plan!

Do you have a college near you that runs childcare courses? Students go out on work placements, usually in nurseries and schools but some organise home work experiences too. Call the college and ask for who the head of child care courses.

WOW 4 kids under 4 …. 2 words SUPER MUM.. I’ve got 1 and I’m shattered I couldn’t imagine 2 let alone 4
your doing a fantastic job and they do say it does get easier x

That is a great suggestion from @Sapphirensteel.

And get watertight contraception, or a permanent solution.

You sound burnt out and no wonder.

I am too but I am older.

The good news for you is that you've got it all out the way when you are young. You can kick back and chill in a few years.

It's so hard, I know it is. But it'll get better.

You are just burnt out. But... I hate to be that person. But it is to be expected when you have 4 kids. That is not easy at allll.

@superram I know what you’re saying about working from home with young kids, but I’ve worked so hard to start this up and it’s been a dream of mine for so long I just don’t want to give up, I don’t work full time, it’s bits here and there and the more I do it, the bigger chance I’ll have of paying for childcare if that makes sense. Can’t afford to get a job that requires childcare at the moment as I wouldn’t make enough to cover it unfortunately

@Sapphirensteel that’s a good suggestion I’ve never thought about that before, I’ll look into it! We’re buying a bigger house end of the year/new year so I might look into an au pair then, seems a cheaper way to do it?

ps hubby is on the waiting list for the snip 🙌🏻😂

I have two under two and I feel all of what you've said - and mine aren't even old enough yet to argue back with me and it's tough. Four... you're doing incredibly well!!!

Some days I feel so "touched out" another Mum said this to me pre babies and I didn't get it... and I do now.

What are your childcare options? Any chance of a night away, just you and DP? Or failing that, just you and maybe some friends? A mum friend of mine told me that every year around her birthday she stays in a spa hotel for the night (no childcare options so can't go with DP) she enjoys the absolute peace, enjoys finishing her meal and just reading a book.

Your friends will soon be having children and as they are bleary eyed from the newborn stage, things may be easing up for you somewhat.
No one gets out of motherhood unscathed! X