For considering if I’ve royally fucked up with my life choices?

[Tiredasamf]

Currently in the supermarket car park doing an evening emergency formula dash having a slight breakdown about my life choices. Let me say one thing before I say anything else - I love my children dearly. They really are the light of my life (cringe) and the best little people in the world.

However. I’m so sick of mum life.

I have 4 children, my eldest is 4 nearly 5, my youngest is 6 months. My husband and I are both self employed, but his work means he’s out of the house most days meanwhile I’m trying to work from home with the children.

2 eldest are at school/nursery. 2 youngest are at home with me 24/7.

I’m just so sick of it. I’m sick of the crying, there’s always someone crying.

Sick of the tantrums and screaming and bickering

Sick of the school run

Sick of having to lug 2-4 babies/children out with me everywhere I go, in and out of car seats and pushchairs even if it’s just to pop to the shop.

Sick of getting no sleep, I never get more than 2 hours in a row without someone waking up.

Sick of being needed ALL THE TIME

Sick of being pulled at and climbed on and touched all the time

Sick of being moaned at for every thing I do. It’s never enough or right!

Sick of having to put everyone above myself every minute of every day

Most of the people I went to school with don’t have kids yet, and I look at them and sometimes I’m so jealous. I see them going about their day, run into them in town and they’re so chill. They can do what they like. They don’t have to think of feed timings and bed time routines and babysitters and homework

I just want to be able to sit on the sofa without 3 children piling on me, pulling my hair and asking me a hundred questions a minute.

I want to watch a tv programme without having to tend to a crying baby every 10 minutes

I want to be able to go out of the house without taking most of the contents of it with me

I want to be able to have sex with my husband without it being a quickie or interrupted by children

I want to not be needed.

I know this was my life choice and I’m not looking for sympathy.

I do all the mum stuff and I do it well, we go out every day, we go to soft plays, playgroups, parks, days out. We do activities, we smile. People always compliment my coping with it all, but the reality is I’m not coping and I’m not enjoying it.

am I the only one who feels this way? Will it get better? I feel like I’m right back at the start again with the baby, and having 4 so young is SO draining and non stop, it’s like a conveyor belt of children who need something or are moaning about something one by one.

I don’t know what I want from this thread but I needed to vent. Please be kind and don’t comment if you’re going to make me feel like a terrible mother

Surely you had an inkling this was what life would be like with 4 kids?

Who chooses to have 4 kids then resents the chaos of bustling family life?

Unless you were forced to have a large family due to cultural/religious reasons, I feel zero sympathy.

Can understand someone having 2 kids & realising this life wasn't suited for them, but 4?

This leads me to think the person was popping out babies for the attention pregnancy brings & addicted to the baby stage.

Sadly once the children grow some independence they become a nuisance & a replaced by yet another baby.

@GeriSignfeld did you not see the part where I asked people to be kind and not comment if they’re going to make me feel like shit?

yes this is what I wanted and yes I knew it would be hard. But does that mean I’m not allowed to struggle and have to have my shit together all the time?

I feel your comment is very judgmental and assuming considering you don’t know me and know nothing about me.

To say I’d bring lives into the world for attention or because I only like the baby stage is downright insulting

be kind

I had three when I was in my twenties. All under five at one point.it was really tough. No family support either. BUT they grew up and I now have lots of me time. And I'm young enough to enjoy my time.

As I understand it, if you want people to "be kind" and have an echo chamber, then AIBU is not the place to post it.

You can't stop people from commenting on AIBU, it's a public forum. There are other ones here that offer more privacy & are gentler with responses.

From what you have written I personally think Y A B V U

I didn't say YOU had kids for attention, I speculated that this can be a reason why people have large families then complain about them.

Also suggested that you may have cultural or religious issues that forced you to have a large family you may not have wanted.

FYI telling women to "be kind" sounds incredibly patronising & cringe every time I hear a woman ask this of others - no as women we do not have to "be kind", nice, caring, gentle, understanding, soft, etc...

Funny how nobody seems to ask blokes to "be kind" !

I think you are going to have to just power through and it willl get easier. I was going to suggest you go back to work in an office but you say you don't want to do that.

Lol at the pp who said that friends who haven't had kids yet have a dull life. Motherhood is so overrated.

This leads me to think the person was popping out babies for the attention pregnancy brings & addicted to the baby stage.

totally within your right to call me unreasonable, that’s what I asked right?

but it’s this part, clearly talking about me as ‘the person’

also I do ask men to be kind, and children and anyone else as I think it’s a basic thing all humans should try to do

but each to their own 🤷🏻‍♀️

@JanisMoplin thank you, sadly I can’t afford to work in an office job - I would if I could! It would cost £120 a day for nurseries plus potential before & after school care and I wouldn’t make anywhere near that. Childcare is a joke!

Is it possible for you to go away for a few days while your DH takes over? Or if you are breastfeeding just take baby with you? Then return the favour.

Solo trips were what got me through this difficult stage.

@cocktailclub glad it worked out for you!

It is true what people have said that we’ll have our freedom back while still relatively young.

I don’t feel like this every day btw, feeling slightly guilty about having these feelings now. I do love being a mother and love my children more than anything, some days are amazing but some days are so tough and I happen to have had a run of tough days lately

I was one of six. My parents had three of us born within three years. I cannot remember ever being cuddled. I remember my mother hated anyone to touch her. We would be pushed away or smacked if we tried to climb on her. We were always in trouble and told how naughty we were. We all hated beyond measure being part of a large family. Two of us didn't have any children. Two of us stopped at one. None of us had more than two.
It isn't fun being one of so many. You always feel like a nuisance and you never ever feel special. No one had time to look after you if you were ill. There wasn't room in the car for friends. We never went out as a family. There was never any money. We learned never to ask, never to expect anything. Everyone was too busy to read us stories or to pick us up if we fell and hurt ourselves.
We all loathed being part of a big family, like being in a freak show.
I truly think that anyone considering having lots of children should think about the effects it will have on the kids. I'm afraid it seems self indulgent to me based on my experience
Mind you four is a lot less than six.
I hope you make it through the baby years and try to carve out time for each individual child

Also if you have 4, I don't think you need to do as much soft play or other activities. Let them play with each other. Reduce your standards.

@Teddletime I couldn’t not reply to this.. this is so sad and I’m sorry that was your experience.

I hope I’m doing enough for my children, we make sure each one gets one on one time with us and we always have time for cuddles and stories and those bonding experiences. We go on family days out a few times a month and go on short breaks together too. So I hope we’re doing enough for them to not resent being part of a large family when they’re older.

I’m one of 5 and loved it, it’s one of the reasons I wanted to have more. I’m so sorry you didn’t get a better experience

@JanisMoplin true re soft play etc. I think as lots of my mum friends have 2 children I try to keep up with them and their activities, maybe I should lower that standard as you said.

lots of helpful advice on here thank you x

That sounds relentless, OP.
(Probably because it is relentless!) x

It will be wonderful to have a houseful of young adults at some point though. You are building a fabulous family for the future.

Of course it is hard, you have 4 children under 5! This means you also been pregnant nearly nonstop for 4 years. You have to be a certain type of person to have multiple back-to-back pregnancies.

My parents had 4 children but within an 8 year period, which meant they had 2/3 years with the youngest before moving on to the next one.

I do wonder if you have an addiction to pregnancies/young babies and its not fair on the kids but its your choice.

This sounds like a hard slog OP but I think there'll be lots of benefits in the long run! Just keep on trucking.

Well yeah.. what did you think 4 children under 5 was going to be like?!
No wonder you're burnt out.
I don't think it's sustainable to be working whilst looking after 2 young kids - is there any way you can afford childcare? Have you considered going back into employed work - may take some stress off with you with being self employed?
Does your DH pull his weight when he's not working? If not he needs to step up.

And make sure your contraception is rock solid 😑

I think the benefits of having DC close together are that they will be close. Mine are 4.5 years apart and barely speak ( teens). I couldn't have managed a second earlier though as I struggled with even one.

Yeah someone I went to school with said that too, now she's bringing up her grandkids while I've got a preschooler 🤷🏼‍♀️

The friends who haven't had kids yet are probably having very dull lives. Maybe they are bored, rather than chilled out?

oh shush @Minimalme , no one believes that for a second 😂

It gets so much better, OP. I nearly cried with relief when I did what I knew would be the last ever school run.
When you say “Sick of being moaned at for every thing I do. It’s never enough or right!”, you need to nip that shit in the bud right now. Your house, your standards, your playground rules - not theirs. They are not too young to learn that if they don’t like something they don’t moan; there are nicer ways of conveying stuff. My DS was so sweet when he learnt the “Thank you for X but next time could I (have fewer peas, have more gravy, not have the broccoli top - I know this one sounds spoilt as fuck but he loves the stalks - have no bubbles, have a blue one, not have to play with so-and-so…” Sometimes he would be met with a firm recalibration of his expectations if his request crossed into brat land. Like you, the moaning occasionally wore me down and I lost my shit spectacularly on a couple of occasions (once I took a taxi to a Premier Inn for the night when DH didn’t back me up - that was surprisingly effective) but use this very sparingly!
They need to know that their moaning leads to an unhappy place for you, and yet it’s your home too and you deserve to be happy in it.
it does get better, but address the moaning now. If they don’t like a thing, they can fix it or put up with it or ask politely for an “improvement” which you can decide whether or not to implement!

Blimey 4 under 5 is really tough. Frankly, if you weren't feeling burned out there'd probably be something amiss, unless you had an army of nannies and grannies to help.

I promise you it gets better, and it gets better fast once the littlest is about 3, then even better when they're at school. and hang on in there.

I think trying to work with four children of their ages is what is adding to the burn out. Can you focus on just family life until you have at least two in school and then the younger two be eligible for funded nursery places?

It is hard now but having the children close in age will be worth it when they are older and more independent. I have four but much bigger gaps and feel like I’ve been in the same school stages forever lol. Having a bigger family is hard work but does become worth it as they need you less intensely.

Are you able to get a Saturday/weekend job and DH look after the children? (& start your business when they are all at school) Not ideal for family time, but it's only for a few years and will give you time away from the children while earning some money.

Sounds tough going and normally it’s helpful to say hang on in there and remember the fact that time goes by and it gets easier .
BUT if you continue to get by on 2 hours sleep, juggle 4 kids with a business, carve out no time for you AT ALL - I’m worried you will end up very very burnt out.
I would really invest in some decent childcare. It’s not a luxury - I think it sounds a necessity - at least for now.
I found 2 under 2 hard and relentless - I can’t imagine 4!