For considering if I’ve royally fucked up with my life choices?

[Tiredasamf]

Currently in the supermarket car park doing an evening emergency formula dash having a slight breakdown about my life choices. Let me say one thing before I say anything else - I love my children dearly. They really are the light of my life (cringe) and the best little people in the world.

However. I’m so sick of mum life.

I have 4 children, my eldest is 4 nearly 5, my youngest is 6 months. My husband and I are both self employed, but his work means he’s out of the house most days meanwhile I’m trying to work from home with the children.

2 eldest are at school/nursery. 2 youngest are at home with me 24/7.

I’m just so sick of it. I’m sick of the crying, there’s always someone crying.

Sick of the tantrums and screaming and bickering

Sick of the school run

Sick of having to lug 2-4 babies/children out with me everywhere I go, in and out of car seats and pushchairs even if it’s just to pop to the shop.

Sick of getting no sleep, I never get more than 2 hours in a row without someone waking up.

Sick of being needed ALL THE TIME

Sick of being pulled at and climbed on and touched all the time

Sick of being moaned at for every thing I do. It’s never enough or right!

Sick of having to put everyone above myself every minute of every day

Most of the people I went to school with don’t have kids yet, and I look at them and sometimes I’m so jealous. I see them going about their day, run into them in town and they’re so chill. They can do what they like. They don’t have to think of feed timings and bed time routines and babysitters and homework

I just want to be able to sit on the sofa without 3 children piling on me, pulling my hair and asking me a hundred questions a minute.

I want to watch a tv programme without having to tend to a crying baby every 10 minutes

I want to be able to go out of the house without taking most of the contents of it with me

I want to be able to have sex with my husband without it being a quickie or interrupted by children

I want to not be needed.

I know this was my life choice and I’m not looking for sympathy.

I do all the mum stuff and I do it well, we go out every day, we go to soft plays, playgroups, parks, days out. We do activities, we smile. People always compliment my coping with it all, but the reality is I’m not coping and I’m not enjoying it.

am I the only one who feels this way? Will it get better? I feel like I’m right back at the start again with the baby, and having 4 so young is SO draining and non stop, it’s like a conveyor belt of children who need something or are moaning about something one by one.

I don’t know what I want from this thread but I needed to vent. Please be kind and don’t comment if you’re going to make me feel like a terrible mother

Fucking hell OP how are you trying to work at the same time?! That's impossible. Can your business take a bit of a break for 6 months?

I have 3 and I'm on maternity leave and it's still incredibly hard. I've had quite a few days this summer where I've really questioned why I did this and why the hell I wanted children.

FWIW I am one of 5 and loved it. It's wonderful now as adults being part of a large loving family.

I had 3 under 4 and I remember feeling the same. Now they are all at school it is so much better, still tough but at least there is some down time and no naps, milk, nappies etc. It will get easier and you'll be pleased you had them all close together so just hang on there! I wanted 4 but knew I wouldn't have coped with another close age gap. Just take every day as it comes and celebrate the small wins. Now I have more time I kind of miss those days in a way, it seems you're missing out on stuff but you're really not and there's the whole of your life for that, this is the only time you'll have these little ones and one day you'll miss (parts of) it!

Wow that's a lot. I think everyone in your situation would feel like this at times.
You are at the worst stage. Over three and they become a lot easier.

Do you get any time out? I think you need to agree with your husband that he is in charge say every Tuesday night and you go for a walk with a friend, a drink at your local, to the cinema on your own. Whatever it might be. Just a couple of hours to reset.

Just reading this is making me recall the lockdown never ending cycle of children and work. I think late evening walks saved my sanity!

It's not patronising to ask people to be kind on a forum you are not obliged to respond in, it would be if you was asked for a response personally but told you had to be kind, therefore stopping you from being free with your words. What I suspect she was asking by saying be kind is if your opinion is "I have no sympathy you brought this on your self" just keep that opinion to yourself and go on with your life.

From reading what she has put It's obvious she is a good mum who loves her children, that doesn't make it easy and that doesn't mean right now she isn't entitled to a rant and get her feelings out. Motherhood is lonely so people reaching out for support and a few kind words here and there can be so effective.

OP it can be hard to get a break, especially when you don't have any childcare. I'm a mum of 3, 5 and under and I don't get a break and literally could have written everything you put. The one thing I tried doing was giving myself 20 minutes, normally when the kids are asleep. I spend 20 minutes for me doing something I enjoy ( face mask/ craft project/ dance around the living room with nobody watching 👀 😅) someday we just need 20 minutes, even if the dishwasher needs emptying, washing put away or the hoover whizzed around. You have to prioritise that 20 minutes and yourself, your important and you have this! As so many people have said 4 kids all very young is no easy task but your doing it! Well done!

I've got 4 very close in age, who are now adults. When you're in the thick of it when they're small, it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's bloody worth it. Hang in there, it gets better once they all sleep and nappies and baby equipment are a thing of the past.

I know, I know - I am speaking about my own experience though

I studied, got the career, bought my first place and had a huge social life...and was utterly bored.

I had my first dc at 34 and it was the first thing which - although really hard work - gave me a purpose which made me feel good.

Because I started later and left gaps of 2 and 4 years between kids, I never got the fourth child I really wanted. I have filled the spare time looking after my baby niece and two little girls who come from a family of six kids with a single Mum.

I was all sorts of useless in a career and find childcare much less complicated (although utterly exhausting!).

it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's bloody worth it

This is a stupid question but, how is it worth it? I get that it might be slightly easier once it's not such a physical slog but how is it worth it? I'm struggling to see what the point/benefit of having my children was. I love them with everything I have but it's not really fun or pleasurable and I can't see how that particularly changes. I just have to survive until they are adults and then I'll be nearly 60 and much of my life will have passed in a fog of facilitating the childhoods of 3 people.

(Sorry OP, bit of a derail)

The issue here is that you are at home 24/7 - that would drive anyone mad.

I work FT.
Yes it can be difficult getting up and ready in the morning and coming home to do the cooking and cleaning etc but at work I get a lunch break, I sit and laugh with my friends, I go to the toilet, I am needed and appreciated.

I used to suffer with depression and getting a job away from the house really helped me with that.

You say that’s not possible for you right now which is annoying but I would be thinking of when it will be possible and jumping at the chance.

I’d also make sure that every evening you go out for 30mins or 1 hour just for a walk on your own.

Do you need to work?
Or can you afford to put your business on hold for a year?
You’re spinning a lot of plates at the minute and it’s very difficult to maintain.

I agree that you have chosen the wrong time to start the business I’m afraid. I say that as someone who’s brought two kids and run a business for 25 years. (Only 2 kids - I think you must be superhuman!)

it’s just not possible to put the hours in needed to launch a business and deal with small children. You will collapse at some point.

can you put the business on hold for a couple of years. I know that sounds disappointing but I think something has to give.

Well I wouldn't have found any more than 2 children worth it. I found them fun from around 5.

This OP!

I've had so much fun with my kids over the years. They're now wonderful adults, and I look at them in awe that I made them and raised them. It's hard to envision this when they're still small and hard work.

One of the good things about mumsnet is the breadth of experience 😀 I find parenting 1 (!) child far more stressful and difficult than my job, which I love. My life pre-child was amazing and I can’t imagine being bored at any point of it. Whereas now the books I want to read, places I want to go and activities I want to try are stacking up and not a priority. I get plenty of time to myself but it’s not the same…

None of this makes you a terrible mother, you're clearly exhausted and feeling sorry for yourself. In terms of saying they moan and scream all the time, that sounds like you've lost control of your older children a bit which might be normal given you've a toddler and baby to deal with as well.

In terms of life choices, well you need to see what you do have choices over given your current situation (and just ignore the nasty posters questioning you having 4 dcs so close in age). Your children are here now so you have no choice over that, but you do have choices in terms of trying to run a business (how???) and trying to get by with no childcare. I think you and your partner need to do whatever you can to secure some childcare, and you need at least 1-2 evenings a week when you can have time away from your children. People say it will get easier, and presumably it will but 4 children will always be demanding of your time and energy so it would be best to set up some structures now such as childcare and a plan for the next few years. Good luck, it must be very difficult.

Hi OP. I am 25 years on from where you are now.

My four `children' are wonderful friends - something I never thought I would say with all the arguing and physical fights that seemed to take up so much of my time when they were little. I don't know how old you are, but I was quite young when I had my children - good thing about that is that I was relatively young when they became independent adults.

Stick in there!

Top tip - take them out every day, not necessarily anywhere expensive - get them to run around and tire themselves out (try not to lose any!)

I was the same as you 12 years sgo. All i can aay is this time wont last forever. We found life started to ease when youngest went to pre school. I actually took a year out of work when youngest started school as was so burnt out!

Thank you for the responses, I genuinely feel more positive this morning and am determined to have a good day.

in terms of starting up the business, the timing may seem off and it probably is, but it should (🤞🏻) take off pretty quickly so that in the new year I could afford childcare. It’s either do this or just accept being at home with the two littlest for at least the next 2-3 years, so it’s worth a shot. If it doesn’t take off in the next 6 months I’ll rethink it.
also, the nature of the job means that I’ll be out working most Saturdays and some weekdays when DH will have the kids so will give me something to do just for me.

I like the idea of spending some time on my own, might start going for evening walks.. but is it just me or does anyone else get mum guilt for doing stuff like that? Even leaving all 4 with DH makes me feel guilty which I know is ridiculous

glad to hear my feelings are normal though and that others have been in this position and are now glad they did it this way!

I think you are doing really well tbh.4 little ones is a lot for anyone .your friends have it all to come! It will get easier. Good suggestion re childcare colleges . Also maybe at we when dh not working. Can you pop out alone for a couple of hours? ,a coffee and a look round the shops . Just a short break may help

OP I also had three under 4 and worked (PT and out of the home though). I can sympathise with what you describe and agree with everything that has been said. This is just a thought and I don’t say this critically because it was true of me - it’s something I look back on with more perspective now. My observation when mine were small was that people with 3 or more either coped by being very strict and fairly regimented (that wasn’t me) or things were cheerfully a little chaotic (that was me). Looking back now though I wish I had been more on it for certain behaviours and I wonder if you relate to this at all? I was just too exhausted to address certain behaviours/follow through with punishments but I can now see if I had, it might have helped in the long run. Eg I could never get them all out of the swimming pool without ending up shouting!
and if it it makes you feel better they are teenagers now, largely very pleasant and the gap is great at this age.
all the best

@Iamsodonewith2020 i’ve suggested this to DH!! That I take some time out when they’re all in school so I can just breathe a bit, I swear my whole body has been tense for the last 5 years and my brain is mush so a bit of a chunk of time to recoup is probably a good idea!

ps has anyone ever hired an au pair? How did you find it, did it work out? Was it expensive?

Some of the responses on here are horrible!

FWIW OP I’ve got two with a VERY small age gap and I think you’re a bloody hero. You sound like you’re doing the best that you can and they seem to be taken out more than my two are/will be!

It is completely understandable how you’re feeling - V. Impressed you have time for sex at all btw, have you got a portal into another dimension with extra hours in the day? 😂😂 - you just sound like you need a break. I think even though you don’t want to ask, sending two to your DMs and the other two (they’ll survive being split for the night; my DM won’t even have the two together!) to your MILs for a night to give you and DH a break together will work wonders.

Dunno about you but sometimes it’s even a couple of hours away where I’m not working or doing chores etc that makes me miss the little terrors so much I don’t mind the touching/jumping/shouting for the next couple of weeks 😂😂😂

Hang in there, you sound like a great Mum. I am an only, my DH is one of 4 and as adults and from my experience, I think you’ve given them a great gift in having each other 💐

4 under 5!! A bloody miracle OP!!

you need support and it’s hard to work with a 6 month baby and another little one at home. Sounds like you need some respite. You have the additional pressure of being self employed too!

this is the hard slog now, I don’t think you’ll regret it later in life. Yes you could have spaced the kids out, even not had 4? Maybe even started later but all these things didn’t happen. For now it’s important to focus on the here and now and what you can do (or get help with). The nursery for your elder two could it take the younger 2? Maybe even one day a week? Could your DH wfh one day and have the 2 little ones?

sounds like burnout and you need to work out a way to look after yourself in all this.

Also I often felt the pressure of keeping up with the Jones’ on activities etc maybe just space it out a bit / do less. I’m trying to think of hacks my grandmother had (she had 7 kids). She would batch cook and they all had to eat whatever she made.

my aunt had 4 under 4 (twins) and they had a tonne of support (my grandparents helped loads) but honestly the house was chaotic, it was all very very hard work. She didn’t push herself to go out a lot of that might help yoh stop being hard on yourself.

Honestly if you feel guilty even about taking a walk around the block, things aren't going to get better. Mum guilt is pointless and will kill you. It would be better for you to go to a cafe for an hour and leave them with DH than have a break down.

Teddletime sorry to hear of your experience.bloody hard .I think some time ago 6 children was often less unusual than now . Certainly quite a few when I was small.big happy families are often celebrated but not always the case. Perhaps dm was depressed? More choices for women now so maybe less chance of 6 anyway.