Stag Do!

[AmiDaft]

My fiance had his stag do recently, i expressed i was not happy with lap dancing and any thing else further. Strip-clubs was as far as i would feel comfortable with and that was a push.

He disclosed that he had lap dancing from 3 different females and took part in a sexual show where he ate a food object from a strippers vagina. i am beyond upset but he seems to think i am overreacting.

I really don't know how to feel. Am i over-reacting to feel upset?

Agree with PP that the lap dances would have pushed my boundaries but the banana thing... I would never be able to kiss him or look at him the same way again.

That would be Game Over for me. I couldn't get past this level of disrespect.

If that were my fiancé, the wedding would have been cancelled by now and he would be looking for new accommodation. Not only the lapdances and the banana (and as a PP said, you’ll be reminded of it every time you see a banana), but for me it’s the worry that if he would admit to something as horrible as this, did something even worse happen that he hasn’t admitted to?

I can tell from the tone of your messages that you’re going to stay with the guy. Going from “tolerating a strip club at a push” to then “maybe I can forgive the 3 lap dances”…. But mate, have some self respect. He does not deserve you. You told him before he left that you were not hyping to tolerate lapdances, and he pushed those boundaries anyway. Can you not see how little he thinks of you? Raise your standards because you deserve better, much better!

Eating a banana from another woman’s vagina, despite ‘no touching’ is not normal! He wouldn’t have been pressured or coerced into that, he would have done it willingly. He’s 32 for Gods sake, he is more than capable to remember he has a fiancé at home who explicitly requested he didn’t get a lot dance. He knows eating that banana is more intimate than a lap dance. He was more than capable of saying no. He knew even before he left he would cheat on you under the guise of ‘it’s normal stag do behaviour’. He also knew you would stay with him. People only ever get away with why we allow them to get away with.

He cheated. He disrespected you, and your children. He disrespected your relationship, your feelings, your gender, your request, your boundaries. He did it because he knew he could get away with it.

You will stay with him. You will later regret it. He’ll do this again.

Oh and that amazing sex you had since the incident has clarified to him you’ll stay. I bet he’s thinking everything is hunky dory now. I’d bet my house that he was thinking of those lap dances and the banana while f$@k$ng you! Sorry, harsh truth but you are worth so so so much more. Find someone who deserves you.

It's disgusting. He used the stag party as an excuse to cheat on you. You've been together 15 years and have children together! Why the fuck does he need a lap dance? If you don't have the courage to break up with him at least postpone the wedding, make it clear how serious this is

I have had a chat with him last night as i couldn't even go near him. He kept asking what is wrong and i told him i cannot get past it its disgusting. He turned it on me and said i am being silly its only a show nothing in it.

Please don't marry a man who is both disrespectful and a liar.

You'll never look at him the same again because you now know the type of man he is.

And it's so fucking unattractive that a grown man can be 'egged on' by mates to do something he didn't want to do that he knew would greatly upset his wife-to-be.

Not that that's what happened, obviously, as he definitely was bang into it rather than pressured, but the fact he thinks that it's normal / acceptable / a get out for a grown men to be peer pressured into eating a banana from a woman's vagina is baffling and says a lot about who he is.

Sorry OP I know it sucks but unfortunately you can't put this to the back of your mind and still get married. It will always keep popping up in your mind and create justified resentment and issues.

If on your hen do, you had been egged on by mates to put a banana in your vagina and have a stripper eat the end of it from there, he'd be ok with it would he? Like fuck he would. He thinks there's one rule for men and one rule for women. God it's depressing how many of these blokes there are.

Exactly @wellhelloitsme, how can i go forward and marry him knowing what he has done and trying to play it off as something is normal. I had no idea that was even a thing until he told me and i was so shocked. I should be fine he thinks and just get on with it and get over it. I would have bet my life he would not have done that and even with the lapdancing he would have said no if a girl came over to get on his lap when his mates paid for it. 3 Lapdances too!

Ok, today you need to at the very least postpone the wedding, you know you're not in a position to go ahead. Cancelling would be wiser, but you need time to get your head around the end of the relationship.

Good luck.

Postpone for at least six months to get yourself sorted.

The fact he's not acknowledged that what he did is totally wrong, makes it worse.

Hard times OP , but don't be pushed into brushing this under the carpet, it'll raise its head the whole time in your relationship and destroy it slowly anyway.

How dare he turn this on you! I'm seething on your behalf.

For the record, it's not 'normal' - not every stag do involves a strip club. My DH never went to a strip club on his stag - he met some mates/family members, went out for a curry together and got drunk in town (a few who didn't want to drink left after the curry - there was no 'peer pressure' for them to stay and get drunk either).

The other two stag dos he's been to recently, both involved a meal - one involved a pub crawl (similar to DH's own), and for the other they went go-karting (before the meal and drinks, of course!).

Not every man feels the needbto go to a strip club on their stags, and earing bananas from a woman's vagina definitely isn't just one of those things. It's clear what that banana was meant to represent and he knowingly ate it.

@CurzonDax I'm sorry, what does the banana represent?

@AmiDaft "He turned it on me and said i am being silly its only a show nothing in it."

He is 'gaslighting' you, minimising your feelings and ignoring your boundaries.

He is abusive and manipulative. Please do not marry this man.

This may help;

natashaadamo.com/boundaries/

Take the fact it was a stag do out of the equation.
If he came home and told you this had happened on a regular night out how would you feel?
The stag do is just a smokescreen. It's irrelevant.

@brookstar

"Take the fact it was a stag do out of the equation.
If he came home and told you this had happened on a regular night out how would you feel?
The stag do is just a smokescreen. It's irrelevant."

^ This

Bananas are known for being quite phallic.

I'm sorry - I don't mean to cause you more distress. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but well ... he ate a banana sticking out from a woman's vagina.

@brookstar - Absolutely. A stag is not an excuse to disrespect your partner, and do whatever the hell you please.

I know someone who did this exact thing on his stag. His wife forgave him, he cheated, he’s now on wife no 3. She showed she would accept it and that’s what she got.

I'm taking all these comments on board. I'm feeling so lost at the moment. I feel numb.

Ugh. I'm so sorry you're feeling crap. Most people would. Telling you you're silly about it is almost worse than doing it in the first place.

It may feel as if the choices you have are to push it with him and wreck everything or push the feelings down and make it all go away. That's not accurate because pushing the feelings down will not make it all go away, it will make YOU suffer, slowly, for his actions because he's telling you that's what normally happens (and so has society said this for ages).

You are allowed to be upset and angry. Whatever you decide the end result of those feelings are is beside the point at the moment. You are allowed to express them so the poison of what he's done doesn't damage you even further. He does know it was bad or he wouldn't have described it in the way he did to you. He needs to admit that so you can start talking about it properly.

Vile. I absolutely could not get past this. (Or a strip club/lap dancing)

It says a lot about him and his family that going to a place that exploits women, that uses them as sexual objects is a "normal bit of fun"

Here is another issue. Sexual crimes against women go up by a significant amount within a 1km radius of these clubs.

So not only is he treating you badly, lied to you, he's exploited women and contributed to sexual assaults by supporting this type of business existing.

Do not marry this man.

I've been to one of the shows where people are chosen from the audience to eat a bit of banana from the vagina of one of the performers. My friend actually volunteered to do it. I thought it was funny at the time, I don't now! It's completely degrading for the women and no doubt they are being exploited.

But, in all honesty I wouldn't be too bothered if my fiancé did it, its just a show, in fact there is absolutely nothing sexy about eating a banana from a vagina in front of 30 plus people. The performer certainly won't be enjoying it. He would have been persuaded to do it by his drunken friends as part of the stag. That's what happens at stag dos. I don't condone any of it, I don't like this stag mentality of all getting drunk and acting like idiots, but unfortunately that’s what seems to happen.

The 3 lap dances I'd be a bit more upset about, why 3?? I can understand maybe one (again been bought for him by one of the stag attendees for a 'laugh'), but to go again and then again!? That would really bother me. We're they all bought for him?

So sorry op, what a vile man he is. That poor, poor woman! I can't believe that she did it for fun being degraded like that. He is the type of man that I would put in scum category. And you have daughters yourself! He cheated on you op. As far as I'm concerned you are together 15years, have 2 kids together and are as committed as can be. The wedding is just formalities. His excuse to cheat on you is pathetic and then to gaslight you after this is unforgivable. I don't know how or why you would want to stay with him after this.

He turned it on me and said i am being silly its only a show nothing in it.

You having a 4 day hen do while he looks after the kids with male strippers/lap dances and a similar show with you eating a donut off one of strippers dicks - as long as you don't directly touch the dick ..... will be fine too then, won't it.

It would just be a show and hed be silly not to be 100% fine with it.

Problem is he's already done this/done it first.

So no matter what you do, there will be no parity.

He and his family sound sleazy, vulgar, low standarded, sexist etc.

He's also apparently one of those men for whom impressing and bonding with mates is more important than their partner's feelings, and decency to their partner.

And he's purposefully really trampled all your reasonable boundaries and expectations. You told him what youd (just about) accept he went way beyond it, he deserves to go, and he knows it, in spite of his gas lighting.

He thinks you'll put up with it cause you're stuck/trapped/too heavily invested.

Bear in mind he'll continue thinking like that.

He thinks you're going nowhere because you've been together since you were not much more than kids, and because if your kids.

Oh and stags get to veto what sort if stag do they have.

(Unless they are pathetically beta and verging on submissive).

I know stags that organised with their best man or men to go on activity breaks, I know ones who made it clear that thete would be zero sex industry stuff etc. It says a lot about him and his mates (and family) that he went for the sleazy, pub crawl and strip clubs_lap dancing clubs, sex shows type of stag do. When youre not like this yourself (vulgar, unthinking, clichéd, hedonistic, "basic" etc) you're not suited to this type.

You started dating and fell pregnant by him very young...you've known nothing else, you've perhaps not had the chance to really see that you're not suited/not on the same wave length, not the same type of people etc.