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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag Do!

136 replies

AmiDaft · 10/08/2022 16:36

My fiance had his stag do recently, i expressed i was not happy with lap dancing and any thing else further. Strip-clubs was as far as i would feel comfortable with and that was a push.

He disclosed that he had lap dancing from 3 different females and took part in a sexual show where he ate a food object from a strippers vagina. i am beyond upset but he seems to think i am overreacting.

I really don't know how to feel. Am i over-reacting to feel upset?

OP posts:
Mardyface · 10/08/2022 17:29

I'm sorry but did you enjoy the sex you had after he had done this? Did you want to do it and feel ok about it? If it were me I would feel horrendous about him being more passionate - I'm not you though so if you didn't great.

I must say the more I hear about this man the more I want to punch him in the face.

Sunnyqueen · 10/08/2022 17:30

Yeah eating something from another woman's vagina is cheating, stripper or not. And to say he didn't enjoy it he just did it from peer pressure is a joke. He must think you were born yesterday. Leave his sorry ass then he can indulge all he likes 👌

Essexgalttc · 10/08/2022 17:32

OP I think you are being blind sighted and I understand people will say I’m being unfair. I know it’s not easy to leave someone you’ve been with for years. But most woman who write these posts end up giving in and staying with their man.

Did you know what he had done when you slept with him since? Or did he have sex with you knowing in his head he’s just eating a banana out of someone’s hole. Either way it’s bad.

You have to do what you want it’s your life but all I’m saying is do you really want to marry a man like this? Who also you share children with? He jeopardised his family life with you to get off on his stag. People forget that too. He didn’t just betray you he has potentially betrayed his family life as a 4 with you and DC’s

Do not be a doormat

Also how are you going to stay in a relationship with someone who thinks going near and eating things from other woman’s vaginas isn’t cheating.

AffIt · 10/08/2022 17:32

So he's 32, you've been together for 15 years and have a child who is almost a teenager - I'm going to assume you've been together since you were also in your mid-late teens.

As such, you may not have had much experience of what 'normal' looks like in relationships.

As I think I am probably at least ten years older than you and have been around the block a wee bit more, I'll tell you this for free - eating fruit out of a stranger's genitals is NOT normal, for anybody, It's just not.

Take that information and do with it what you will.

Original poster
AmiDaft · 10/08/2022 17:34

@AffIt He was my first proper boyfriend and we had our daughter very young (i was 16/17) so no im not sure what is normal as such.

OP posts:
ItsLisaLou · 10/08/2022 17:35

AmiDaft · 10/08/2022 17:24

We have slept together since and there's a lot more passion on his part, he says its because he missed me and hes realised what he has got at home. Could this be true? Or is the events of what happened in his mind?

I know this sounds awful OP but I really don’t think anything he’s said to justify/explain any of this new behaviour is truthful.

The idea that he hated the lapdance doesn’t make sense - if he’d protested to his friends enough, there wouldn’t have been a second lapdance, nor a third, nor a final sex act.

The idea that every man does this on a stag do is also untrue - mine didn’t, I know that because he simply wouldn’t, but also because the night was posted all over social media by his mates before he came home to me.

Finally, and I hate to say it, but the most likely explanation for him suddenly being all horny is because he’s got lots of horny memories fresh in his mind that he’s conjuring…

Is it really worth living out the rest of your days with this guy? Consider how he’s made you feel in this very moment, before one of the biggest days of your life…is this really what you want? X

1FootInTheRave · 10/08/2022 17:41

You'd be an absolute fool to marry this piece of shit.

KitKatty55 · 10/08/2022 17:42

Absolutely vile! There’s no way i’d forgive this. What if she had an STD and he contracted it from eating from her vagina? So grim.

ilovesooty · 10/08/2022 17:42

He did it because he wanted to.

Get real.

ChagSameachDoreen · 10/08/2022 17:43

I couldn't marry a "man" who ate food from a stripper's vagina. I just couldn't. That is base behaviour.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 10/08/2022 17:45

This is something I couldn't forgive. You told him where you drew the line and he happily went across it. He can't have any respect for you to do so, especially not to say it's because his friends pressured him. He's an adult. I would not stay with him, I'm really sorry OP

SproutsAtChristmas · 10/08/2022 17:48

When is the wedding? Can you postpone it and see how you feel later down the line?

It's normal to be furious about this. I'm assuming that you are still together and weren't furious enough to dump him as soon as he told you so could you postpone the wedding for some time and see how you feel? If it's still feel uncomfortable about it then don't get married. That might also show your DP you are seriously unhappy with his actions that you're even suggesting you can't marry him right now.

My other suggestion would be do the wedding but with a view to divorce (purely for your own financial security). If you don't think you'll divorce him later down the line then I'd say get rid now otherwise you'll always be the wife who let him get away with that. All his friends partners will already know what he did at the stag do- it won't be a private secret between the men and you at all so bear that in mind as well.

I'd be embarrassed, humiliated and furious in your shoes.

AffIt · 10/08/2022 17:48

AmiDaft · 10/08/2022 17:34

@AffIt He was my first proper boyfriend and we had our daughter very young (i was 16/17) so no im not sure what is normal as such.

Then I will tell you that this is not normal - it absolutely is NOT and anybody who tells you otherwise is wrong.

If my OH came home, told he had eaten a banana out of another woman's vagina and then had attempted to have sex with me, I'd punch him in the face so hard he'd be seeing next Tuesday for a week (and I do NOT condone violence).

You are only in your early 30s, I presume - please get this awful man out of your life, take yourself and daughters to somewhere new and nice and start a life you can enjoy.

Do you have a job you enjoy? Nice friends / family support? Hobbies?

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/08/2022 17:50

Egged on by Mates

what is he 12

if he can’t say no he needs knew friends

i really don’t get the thrill why stags need to go to strip joints

are makes boobs really that fun

many go.

but you don’t touch or participate

that going over the boundary you allowed

L0bstersLass · 10/08/2022 17:53

AmiDaft · 10/08/2022 17:34

@AffIt He was my first proper boyfriend and we had our daughter very young (i was 16/17) so no im not sure what is normal as such.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. It's absolutely horrendous.
I can assure you that this is not normal behaviour. Also, the fact that he is minimising the impact despite you being clear on your objections upfront is not normal behaviour. It is unacceptable.
What you do is up to you, but I don't think you can start to make any progress until he realises and accepts that his behaviour was unacceptable.

Both of the following posters ask excellent questions.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz
How would he feel if you offered a banana to a stranger from your vagina????

DahliaDreamer
Does he think it would be ok if it was you eating a donut off a man's penis?

CanofCant · 10/08/2022 17:53

He took a four day stag do leaving you at home with a teenager and a one year old while he acted like a single man? He's a total misogynist and he's taking the piss out of you. I bet this isn't the first time either.

Becky6758 · 10/08/2022 17:58

I wouldn’t be happy about the lap dances but I’d be leaving him over the banana thing.

GRIM.

LightDrizzle · 10/08/2022 18:05

The increased passion since his return would be the killer blow for me, he’s clearly tapping into his new wank- bank fodder of having fit, silicon enhanced women dance for him and grind on him. I’ve heard that renewed passion and inventiveness in bed is sometimes, sadly, an indicator of an affair, it’s the same thing, carry over from the impetus of the affair/ stripper experience into their sex with their wife/ partner.

He wasn’t even the groom, so why were his mates dipping into their pockets to buy him THREE lap dances? Why is his pissed up mates calling him a fanny worse than upsetting his fiancé and cheating on her?

This would poison things for me, I’d be wondering if he was thinking of them while fucking me and I couldn’t get past it.

BraveFaceScaredInside · 10/08/2022 18:10

Ewwww and Ewwww again. He knew your very reasonable boundaries and pissed all over them!

It is NOT acceptable for him to do that. I wouldn't be able to overcome that.

And in mumsnet speak LTB.

ShhDoNotTell · 10/08/2022 19:10

OP, what would you want for your daughter if she was in this situation? Surely you would want her to be with a man who respects her, who does not lie to her, who understands boundaries, and more importantly, would not want to cheat on her.

You are modelling behaviour for your children. Please, for them if not for yourself, have some self-respect and leave this man. You, and your children, deserve so much better than this. you are worth so much more than he is giving you.

AMIAMIBU · 10/08/2022 19:23

@hotdiggetydog have you read the OP?

Your comment makes no sense?

Original poster
AmiDaft · 10/08/2022 20:31

Thank you everyone for your input. I have read each and every comment, why do i feel so low and down? I feel like im a different person it is so surreal

OP posts:
Original poster
AmiDaft · 10/08/2022 20:32

@LightDrizzle He is the groom we are due to get married very very soon

OP posts:
Original poster
AmiDaft · 10/08/2022 20:33

Also @LightDrizzle thats exactly my thought. Is he thinking of them while being sexual with me

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 10/08/2022 20:45

Oh goodness op this gets worse and worse. I'm so sorry you're in this position but for me as I said earlier this is just a deal breaker.
Your feelings are totally understandable he has behaved in a absolutely disgusting way, betrayed you, pissed all over your boundaries and broken all you have together.
Don't let him or others gaslight you and minimise this, it is utterly appalling behaviour. How you proceed from here is your choice, but don't let him say it's nothing when as the response on this thread proves it's definitely not.