MIL is a snob

[wiltingrose]

My MIL is a snob. And I am struggling to be around her.
I am from a normal lower middle class background, went to university, I had a student loan, and now have a great career.
My MIL looks down on people who have purchased "help-to-buy" properties, so much so that she wouldn't allow her own own daughter to purchase a flat in blocks where people had "help-2-buy" homes.
It's not only this, she makes other snide remarks as well.

I'm proud of what I've achieved. How do I keep MIL at arms length without causing damage between my DH and I. I get so annoyed that DH never calls her out on her out-of-touch comments. She boasts about what a liberal she is!
I want to limit visits to just xmas and easter. Has anyone managed to do this? and keep their marriage in tact?

This is for you and your DH to negotiate and compromise on. I'd be suggesting I can bite my tongue for x amounts of visits for x amounts of time, but if he's wanting any more than that, he's going to have to commit to either accepting and supporting you calling his mother out on her more outrageous comments, or doing it himself.

You can be proud of what you have achieved, you do not need her endorsement, if she's too snobbish or ignorance to understand that achievement.

As long as you don’t stop your DH seeing his family it should be fine.
good luck! She sounds like a nightmare!

You are a separate person from your DH. By all means limit your interaction with your MIL. She sounds insufferable. You absolutely cannot “make” your DH do the same. You’re not joined at the hip. He can see her without you. If that causes issues between you and DH, well that’s just the consequence of your actions which you and your DH will have to suck up if you can’t/won’t compromise.

Have to say, there’s more than a hint of snobbery from you, too. You accuse your MIL socio-economic snobbery. You have somewhat weaponised your educated- and lived-liberalism…

I've done this, and also had it done with my family by partner too - it can seem tricky at first, but actually I think it can be quite good for maintaining the relationship rather than forcing yourselves into situations that make you unhappy. Because it will just cause resentment at the person making you feel that you have to force yourself to do it!

Logistically you can either meet it head on and tell him you're going to limit how many times you go with him to his mother's house; or you can just say no to each occasion where you don't want to go. I've done both, and both can work, depending upon the person you're with. I don't even think I'd address him not backing you up and whether he'll change that so you go around more, it's his mother so he's unlikely to do it, that's kind of obvious!

But you get to choose where your spend your free time, and you don't have to spend it with someone who looks down on you.

I would never suggest to my DH to limit contact. I am actually quite independent and we are not joint at the hip. I just want advice on how I can peacefully extract myself from his family, and keep my marriage together.

I get so annoyed that DH never calls her out on her out-of-touch comments.

Don't blame him for his mother. If he can agree with you about her in privacy that's enough. She's not going to change the attitude of a lifetime now.

You're going to have to try to be tactful, not sure how you do that though. Essentially you are saying "I think your mum is a dickhead, so I don't want to spend any time around her" which isn't nice to hear about close family and loved ones.

Talk to him. Tell your DH why you don’t want to be in his DM’s company so much. (I suspect, when you hear yourself say the words out loud to his face, you’ll find you can muster up more enthusiasm than just twice a year. Does she have no redeeming qualities at all, this woman, what with having raised your DH and all?).

If you feel compelled or obligated to give your MIL an explanation at any point, I would not tell her the truth. That would be neither necessary nor kind. Just make excuses: oh I’m going to visit my family that weekend; oh I am so behind on work I’m going to use the opportunity to catch up in peace; work has been so crazy recently I’ve totally neglected the house/ my sister / my voluntary work so I’m going to commit to that this weekend.

There are two of you in your relationship with your MIL. You have an equal right to determine the shape and scope of that relationship. There’s no law saying it must be this or that, and she doesn’t get to dictate. You say you’re independent: act as such.

Was she like this before you got married or is this a recent development?

I’m rather lucky because DH doesn’t like MIL much either so we can comfortably keep her at arms length. If your DH is close to her, this will be trickier. Just explain how she makes you feel to DH and that you’d rather have limited contact. Life is truly too short to spend it with people you can’t stand.

What a nightmare for you and yes she is a complete snob! My MIL is like this, I have been N/C with her now for 5 months and I feel so much better for it

Your seriously suggesting your DH sees his mum less because she has some different views on life. Do you have sons of your own. I hope for your sake they marry women that are exactly the same as you.

She sounds horrible and you would be completely justified in calmly challenging her snobbish statements.

Yes - it's funny but some of the most snobbish people I've ever met have been so-called lefties. I've been told by such people, for eg, that 'I suppose one has to accept that there are other universities than Oxford and Cambridge', while claiming to be Labour voters.

No, I am asking how I can tactfully stop seeing them and keep my marriage healthy.

I do Easter and Christmas visits to the in-laws and that’s it. My husband’s fine with it, he goes to see them more frequently with our DC. It hasn’t caused any issues, you marry the person not their family, and my MIL and I just don’t have anything in common. It has to work the other way too - he’s invited to stuff with my family (and will generally come most of the time) but there’s no expectation and he doesn’t feel shy in saying no.

Is he oblivious to her snobishness or does it annoy him too? If it's the latter that's at least a starting point. If it's the former then it's harder.

And for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t make a “big thing” of it or tell him why you dislike her. I’d just explain to your DH that you don’t think you have anything in common with her and would like to see her less, but that it shouldn’t affect his, or your DCs, relationship with her.

You really are best learning to let her silly comments and opinions fall off you like water from a duck's back.

Is there anything likeable about her at all?

People like this just ignore anything around the annoyance and change the subject. So my dad is quite annoying and would make comments about parenting my child, each time I asked a question such as "so are you going to London this summer?" These people don't persist with their line of questioning/commenting when you intercept it like this.

I'm sure she has no valid points so they really shouldn't get to you, just ignore. It will stop because they can't sustain their behaviour when you don't engage.

I think the odd one word "harsh" response can keep people like this in check. A bit. You're not actually picking up your sword but you are cheerfully saying "your empathy knows bounds" or eg "how Christian of you MIL! Ha ha" or "ouch" or "there but for the grace of chance go you or I!".

Subtly let her know you find her a bit shabby on the inside.

Unfortunately, because this has been brewing for years he now knows that I don't like her. Do you think this is a problem? When I have suggested only xmas and easter he says he would need to explain why I don't attend other family meet-ups; so I feel 'locked' into seeing them. I don't want them to know I don't like them. I just want to slowly withdraw. But DH suggesting this option would be hard for him.

I wouldn't bite my tongue all the time, I'd respectfully disagree.

I have arguments with MIL - recently about striking railworkers. Not a blazing row, just a disagreement. Surely you don't have to have exactly the same views as someone to tolerate them, and it's only something that comes up every so often? Are you sure you aren't just looking for reasons to dislike her?

No, unfortunately I really don't think you can never see your DHs family bar twice a year for the rest of your life and them not clock that you don't like them.

I like this. This is good. Thank you. Ironically she defines herself as a Christian and is involved in the Parish. So when she comes out with some stuff, I am rather baffled.

What does she say when you challenge her on these silly view points? What does your DH say? Does he agree with her?

My MIL has some ridiculous theories on life. If I had to bite my tongue every time, I'd have gone mad. She says something ridiculous, I laugh or so I disagree. Sometimes we'll have a discussion about it and sometimes that even leads to one or both of us adjusting our views somewhat. Other times it's just clear that we're going to have to agree to disagree. Then we move on.

I don't see why people can't have divergent views (up to a point anyway) without falling out completely.

Let he who is without hypocrisy throw the first stone! Surely everyone has contradictory or hypocritical views or views that others may find unpleasant?