MIL is a snob

[wiltingrose]

My MIL is a snob. And I am struggling to be around her.
I am from a normal lower middle class background, went to university, I had a student loan, and now have a great career.
My MIL looks down on people who have purchased "help-to-buy" properties, so much so that she wouldn't allow her own own daughter to purchase a flat in blocks where people had "help-2-buy" homes.
It's not only this, she makes other snide remarks as well.

I'm proud of what I've achieved. How do I keep MIL at arms length without causing damage between my DH and I. I get so annoyed that DH never calls her out on her out-of-touch comments. She boasts about what a liberal she is!
I want to limit visits to just xmas and easter. Has anyone managed to do this? and keep their marriage in tact?

I’m of a slightly different opinion to many PPs in that I believe you do sort of agree to take on someone’s family when you agree to marry them. I think if I really hadn’t have liked DH’s family then choosing to marry him wouldn’t have been such a no- brainer. But that’s because family is really important to me and I value being part of a big support and social network. I would be gutted if I thought DH didn’t like my family/couldn’t be bothered with them.

There are many things that I don’t see eye to eye with family members (on both sides) but as long as someone isn’t unkind to me/my loved ones I’ve learned to just change the subject etc. is there really no one else in your family who has different political/religious/ethical views to you?

do you have children? Do you plan to have children? What if they find some of your views difficult in the future? Will you be ok with them limiting their time with you to Christmas and Easter, or will you hope for a bit more tolerance from them?

I find my FIL very difficult.

He talks in a monologue of verbal diarrhoea.
Any and all thoughts that enter his head tumble out.
TV shows, people he met, the price of things, places he’s been, food he’s eaten…….

He does not want responses, just to talk at you. But if anyone else tries to talk he gets very upset and angry and says no one is listening to him.

My husband visits at least weekly - often more. I limit my visits to MIL only, outside the house, or an activity such as a meal or a concert outside the home where the constant talking can be diluted somewhat.
this works for us.

is there really no one else in your family who has different political/religious/ethical views to you?

This. I had some blazing rows with my dad about Brexit and also things like that he wouldn't use Aldi/Lidl because they were German. My mum comes out with some really odd things about women's appearance sometimes. I see eye to eye with inlaws about lots of things but then they also read the Telegraph and me the Guardian (and I'm much more traditional left wing than the Guardian) so we do have some interesting political discussions at times! Also MIL is religious and I'm not. But we all get on basically.

And yes absolutely say when you disagree - you don’t have to just agree with her. I’d much rather someone gave me an opportunity to get it right than just withdrew contact.

Is his mother a self made woman? Did she work hard and put herself through college, university and then buy her own home with her own hard earned cash? Somehow with the way you're describing her, I would imagine that she was either born into money, living off mummy and daddy or married well.
If she made snobbish comments in my presence I'd do the sweet innocent smile thing and mention her own hands up to success and how it must be nice to live off other people rather than have the ability and skills to do it properly with their own hard work. At least you wouldn't have to worry about only needing to see her at Christmas and Easter. You could put a stop to them all at once. Bye bye Hyacinth Bucket!

I think the answer depends on what outcome you want and what your husband thinks....I mean it can range from this being the hill to die on to doing smile and ignore and having migraines and stomach upsets on a regular basis. Honestly I wouldn't let her get to me or bother about calling her out so long as she can't influence your husband. I'd be keeping her access to the kids limited though and make sure I was there to supervise and point out theat "granny says such silly things but old grannies do that, we don't have to agree with her"

Just have it out with her!

Why all this dancing around the issue?

Honesty has its virtues. When she says something snobby just say, 'well my friend lives in one of those houses and loves it'. See what she says.

She'll either reflect and work towards changing her attitude or fall out with you and not invite you back. Either way, win win for you.

I think it's the grey rock technique you need.

I could happily strangle my MiL after 20 mins in the room with her but I have learnt to let it go.

I just zone out, nod, smile disengage. I answer questions but smiling don't say much else. I remember birthdays, buy lovely gifts, mother's day, Christmas etc Encourage my kids to be polite and nice to her. Show up when required, have her round for lunch and occasionally visit with my OH who sees her much more regularly.

I literally play my part nicely and politely but have mentally checked out. It works for me and my OH. I do it for him. He knows what she's like and how I feel and he appreciates that I have made it work like this.

I understand that however difficult she is, she is also his mother.

Strangely I find her much less annoying on her turf than when she's round at our house. I suppose you can zone out more when you're not hosting.

Thank you this is why I wanted to ask for a range of opinions. May I ask how old you are? My MIL is in her 70s. How do I politely disagree without causing offence, she gets (or claims to be offended) easily. I do I phase politely that I disagree?
She has never worked, has one or two friends, and chats to neighbours. Does work with the Parish (but only the vicar, doesn't get on with other volunteers). Controls her daughter. Essentially her world is fairly small, and she does little to try to understand 'normal' people. Because her network is so small, she is not used to being told when people disagree with her, as her husband & daughter never disagree with her. Sorry to go into detail, but she is just so very tricky to handle. And I am so tired of her.

My MIL looks down on people who have purchased "help-to-buy" properties, so much so that she wouldn't allow her own own daughter to purchase a flat in blocks where people had "help-2-buy" homes.

Her reasoning is obviously ridiculous, but I would definitely discourage anyone from buying a help to buy property if they do not need help to buy, because the prices are massively inflated - at least they are around us.

In terms of actual advice, I would put up with her to an extent for DP, but I would not resist calling her out, as has been suggested with "lighthearted" responses. This is what I do with my in-laws when they air their "interesting" world views and we muddle along okay.

My MiL is 90 now! My OH is the youngest of her children.

I'm not going to try and change her views. And they are ridiculous because she is a sheltered snob.

It was so freeing when I started not caring what she thought.

How long did it take you to get to the point of "not caring".

I can't stand snobby people at all so this is probably terrible advice but I couldn't help myself but go in at her with the reserve snobbery.
When she says stuff like that 'well we can't all have everything handed to us on a silver platter'
'yeah bless em, not being born with a silver spoon in their mouth'
'some people started from the bottom and got further than you'
'you only say that because you've not had a dose of real life, you'll never know what it means'

When you see her blast music, hair in a pineapple bun, leggings, shit load of jewellery. I'm a wind up though 😂

At some level this is threatening for you, and that’s what you need to look at and understand because really she’s just another random with a daft opinion.

You know how a toddler can announce they hate you, and you take it in your stride because you know they’re over tired or hangry? That’s the kind of response you need to find to your mil too.

Her opinion isn’t worth getting worked up over. You don’t have the power to change her, and she doesn’t hold any power of validation in your life. If she lost her memory in the morning, and didn’t recognise you it wouldn’t change who you are.

I’m nice to my pils because my dh loves them and I love him. They’re not people I’d bother with if we weren’t related, but that’s ok. They have some truly offensive opinions but they’re not contagious.

Would she not welcome a conversation about her views?

’I hear you but have you thought about it from this angle…’

@wiltingrose I'm in my 60s and I love a good debate. My family is very open and we are more like a PPs where we are happy to disagree about certain things but of course it never gets personal. Sometimes we do have to change the subject as it can get heated but I normally just pour more wine and bring out the desert and it's fine 😂😂.

Your MIL sounds like that wouldn't be her way to be fair, but I think countering with your own experience is very valid and surely can't offend her.

So she says 'oh I would never allow DD to do part buy' and you would counter 'many people from my background do this though, MIL, for many it's the only way to get on the housing ladder- I had to work really hard to be able to afford a mortgage because...(detail about your background).

If she makes some pro-brexit comment (for example), you could counter with 'I personally feel I am the poorer for it because of x,y,x'.

If you always make it about YOU she can't really say you are wrong, surely?

Sorry, I meant help to buy. So you could say 'I would really have benefitted from this because...'

You sound amazing. I wish you were my MIL!

It's not that she doesn't want DD to part-buy (she is funding that); and that is entirely their business. What I take issue with is that she doesn't want her DD to even be living near people that need help-2-buy. She calls them hoi -polloi.

It was about 7 years in that I realised I needed to sort of take control. It affected me so much.

She drove me nuts. Honestly, like I said I struggled to be in a room with her pontificating. And tbh I'm quite easing going and genial by nature and she'd kind of got away with murder up to that point IMHO.

It's obvious but the only thing you can control is your reaction and your approach. Frankly you aren't going to change her.

I actively applied myself to changing the way I handled it. I actively disengaged. I stopped myself thinking about her ( fuming ) It was an choice and it took discipline in the beginning.

Now it's a way of life. And it's great and most importantly much better for me and my OH.

Can I just add I never lie to her. If she asked me straight out do you agree with this or that I would tell her. But then she never does anyway. It's always what about she thinks.

@wiltingrose ☝️

I don’t agree with the way my PILs behave. I wanted to discuss how their behaviour upset me but OH was concerned they’d never speak to him again so we agreed I wouldn’t have contact with them. I removed myself from the group chats and blocked them all . I haven’t seen any of them in almost three years and they must understand why as they haven’t offered to come to our house in that time.

There are a lot of benefits to not seeing them but I do wish we had a middle ground as my daughter occasionally asks me to go to Granny and Grandads and I don’t feel I can say yes

Why are you letting her opposing opinions bother you so much? Is it really worth putting your husband in an awkward position and causing drama over? I'm pretty sure most people have to visit/work with/interact with people they don't like occasionally. Unless you have to see her every day, I don't understand why you can't just ignore it.

I loathed my MIL - at the beginning she seemed lovely but as i got to know her i realised what a poisonous old cow she was.
So i just started making excuses why i couldn't go - DH went alone (pre DCs. When we had DCs he took them). And eventually he realised why it was that i didn't go and greatly reduced his visits too, because of it. At some point years later he asked me if i stopped going because i didn't like her. So i told him. But she was long dead by then.

If she refers to them as the hoi polloi, I'd say light-heartedly "Oh yes those terrible nurses, teachers and emergency service workers" and see how she reacts to that. I expect she has no idea what houses cost or what normal salaries are for perfectly good and valuable jobs.