MIL is a snob

[wiltingrose]

My MIL is a snob. And I am struggling to be around her.
I am from a normal lower middle class background, went to university, I had a student loan, and now have a great career.
My MIL looks down on people who have purchased "help-to-buy" properties, so much so that she wouldn't allow her own own daughter to purchase a flat in blocks where people had "help-2-buy" homes.
It's not only this, she makes other snide remarks as well.

I'm proud of what I've achieved. How do I keep MIL at arms length without causing damage between my DH and I. I get so annoyed that DH never calls her out on her out-of-touch comments. She boasts about what a liberal she is!
I want to limit visits to just xmas and easter. Has anyone managed to do this? and keep their marriage in tact?

I felt exactly like this, my MIL was really getting under my skin and I was thinking about how annoying she was constantly.

What I did was every single time I thought about her, I deliberately redirected my mind to something else.
I did not allow myself to think about her. Every time I did, I’d stop myself. If you do it often enough, consistently, the thoughts become much less frequent, and now my MIL doesn’t bother me at all. She hasn’t changed, I have.

Although I’m starting to think you also have a DH problem. You should be able to decline events you don’t enjoy. He doesn’t have to tell his family you don’t like them, just that you couldn’t make it.

I don't think so. My parents are pretty hands off but they are loving (or at least they try). MIL is a control freak, and as I said extremely snobby.

*She takes up so much of my headspace. How did you actually manage it?
Should I have therapy? I feel like I need help to stop her getting to me so much.
I feel after one visit, my mental health is affected for weeks.
After Christmas, it takes months.

I'm normally so strong and have a high pressure job, so I am so surprised that my MIL has managed to break me.*

@wiltingrose

I'm so sorry OP. It's such a awful situation. It took me a long time to get my head round it. I always thought she would get better somehow. I wasted a lot of mental energy on it.

It's like @picklemewalnuts says, she can only affect you if you care and as I said it was so freeing not to care.

She is ( as my kids say ) living rent free in your head.

I didn't use therapy though that would probably help. I didn't have the time or money to do that.

I just made a decision that my MiL wasn't going to have this powerful, negative affect over me anymore . It was like taking back control. Every time my thoughts went to her saying something ridiculous and vile, I thought of something else.

Like I say, it wasn't easy, she's so annoying. But I just kept at it. Cut down all visits to what was an acceptable minimum. Didn't talk, complain, discuss her with my OH even if I was raging. Just kept NOT thinking about her or ever talking about her.

Completely zoned out if I was with her. Just nod and smile. And somehow now it's second nature. She doesn't bother me at all even if she's ridiculous.

And it doesn't come between me and OH. If anything he really appreciates how reasonable I am with her. And ( after time) I have been able to build up the visits and do nice stuff for her as a decent example for the kids. ( within limits) And if anything I just feel a bit sorry for him having her as a mum.

Remember you have the power to control how you think. Leave her to her own stupid thoughts. You can't change her.

Do you think you feel threatened by her or that she doesn’t like you? Do you feel intimidated by her?

I don't feel threatened by her. I'm not intimidated by her, as she has no qualities that I admire. She's never really worked, expects women to be kept, boasts about her minor aristocratic heritage. What does upset me of course is that she hasn't been welcoming towards me.

All my life I have gotten along with pretty much everybody that I've met. So it's come as big shock to me that someone who is now within my own family doesn't seem to like me.

All my life I have gotten along with pretty much everybody that I've met. So it's come as big shock to me that someone who is now within my own family doesn't seem to like me.

It was similar in my situation. I was so disappointed with my MiL being a cow to me. Couldn't quite compute it and thought it would get better.

I really enjoy the fact that I am very pleasant to her now. It is the ultimate revenge being the better person.

My dm is like this. Its tedious in the extreme. I spend as little time as possible with her and try to change the subject.

You can’t go through life arguing with every relative over every thing you disagree with them on. She is entitled to have views you don’t like. She is even entitled to have views that are offensive.

you have to decide your limits. My limit is exposing my child to racism or sexism. If you express those views in front of my child or engage in behaviors that reinforce those views, I will call them out. If the problem continues, we will leave. My family got their act together surprisingly quickly.

the rest of it, I have to let it go. Sometimes my husband and I commiserate in the car on the way home.

Your (sic) seriously suggesting "I would never suggest to my DH to limit contact." means "seriously suggesting your DH sees his mum less because she has some different views on life" Do you have children of your own. I hope for your sake they learn how to comprehend plain English.

@wiltingrose bless you I'm sure I'd love to be your MIL to :)

From your update- if you feel she is not very to YOU and that she doesn't like you, and it's affecting you, of course you have the right to not see her.

It's one thing to have a view point on something, it's another to be unkind to/about someone.

Your DH is being ridiculous. You're not joined at the hip. I just had a weekend visiting my family, DP of ten years stayed home to feed the cats. He's overthinking it that he would have to explain your absence, it's perfectly fine for him to say you were busy or it wasn't a convenient day for you to come!

I have your problem in reverse, my daughter in law sees me as a total snob. My Mother was an opinionated snob and I very much kicked against it.

We were brought up in completely different circumstances, which gives us different views on life.

I don't give opinions on anything to her or my son, I help them financially now and again.

I'm low contact with them, they had their first baby last year which was very premature, I kept in touch and visited more often during this period but more often was once a month for a couple of hours.

I've noticed her attitude is growing towards me again, so I don't message or visit regularly, which is a shame but you can't mix chalk and cheese.

DH Mother is a misogynist she also has a belief system that I do not share, not a religion by the way and is very particular.

I have let her negative traits in my eyes wash over me for almost 30 years and deep down I pity her. She can hold a very decent conversation though her opinions are almost always the opposite to mine, her finishing school did a good job in that respect. His sister even now in middle age gets in to situations that are ridiculous she does share similar opinions with me but conversations with her are tedious beyond belief.

The world would be extremely dull if we all agreed. Accept that it’s ok to not like someone. This also includes people not liking you.

I can’t believe the number of posters saying to not see her based on a few silly comments. I disagree with her about help to buy, but realistically how often do you talk about this?
Based on your post you sound just as much of a snob. Making sure we know you are middle class not a ‘chavvy’ working class person. Of course you have an education and a good job not like those lazy work shy thicko’s.
Perhaps you don’t like get because you are too similar? They always say men marry their mothers.

Perhaps you don’t like get because you are too similar? They always say men marry their mothers.

What complete arse. What exactly does this bring to a conversation about people you've never met?

I think you have a DH problem here. He is the one making you feel locked in to seeing her and his friends, when clearly you don’t want to. Just tell him no that may work for you but it doesn’t for me and I am equal in this. If you need to compromise go every other time. I do think it’s your husband causing the problem here, I rarely see my MIL, sure DP would like me to go more but we have no interest in each other so I don’t go.

My ex-MIL had a problem with women who worked - she used to invite me to bridge or whatever and then say 'oh, yes, you work, don't you.' as if it was shop lifting.

I'd always bat it back, saying 'Yup, I contribute to GDP, great isn't it.' smile and wander off.

The only thing you can do is show you really aren't bothered what she thinks, that her views are irrelevant to you. And spend as little time with her as possible. If she comes to your house, always be very busy cooking or gardening or dealing with something so you don't have time to talk to her. Leave her to your DH. She's his problem, not yours.

So many threads where people have poor relationships with in laws who have outdated / unacceptable views. It's sad for all involved

I sometimes wonder if, in future, our children / grandchildren will roll their eyes at some of our attitudes eg if future society totally buys into trans ideology, will our generation be on the wrong side of history, horrifying younger family members with our attitudes

@sunglassesonthetable
But have we met any of the other posters on MN?
Perhaps people ask questions because they want other people’s ideas/opinions? Or do you think MN should just be an echo chamber?

But have we met any of the other posters on MN?
Perhaps people ask questions because they want other people’s ideas/opinions? Or do you think MN should just be an echo chamber?

Give me a break. There is a massive difference between an echo chamber and talking crap.

Yep, get yourself a good therapist, one who wants to help you work towards not giving a shit.

DH says we are couple and we need to be a united front.

Just because DH says it, doesn't make it true. You are finding his mother extremely stressful to spend time with. He is not finding her that bad. This is inherently a difference and not "a united front." Side note: that phrase is generally used to mean two people standing up to somebody together, not in the way he is saying it, which is "please shut up and be a good little stepford wife". I find his attitude quite horrendous actually.

And if I'm not there he would need to tell them why I'm not coming to stuff.

So what? "DW can't come today because <benign excuse you have agreed beforehand>." Job done, no drama needed.

So I feel like I'm "locked" in.

You feel like you're locked in. The reality is you are free to do as you like. Take this to your therapist :)

He makes me go to other events with his friends as well, which I don't like.

Take this to your therapist too. Your H can't make you do anything, unless he's physically manhandling or threatening physical harm to you if you don't. If that's the case, you've got even bigger issues that you also need to talk to your therapist about.

But all his friends are quite public school in a caricature sort of way, and I don't find we have a lot of common ground.

I really do think it sounds like your H is from a background where women are not people in their own right but trophies to decorate his arm with to fit in with what mummy and daddy and his public school mates expect. I'd hate spending time with them too. The good news is that you don't have to. The bad news is that you appear to have stumbled upon the news that your H doesn't see you as an equal who has her own autonomy.

He says he hates going to stuff alone.

And you hate going to stuff that involves his mother or his mates. But he expects you to shut up and play along doesn't he? Because he sees his desire to not be uncomfortable as more important than your desire to not be uncomfortable. That's not equal, and that's not fair.

There is a middle ground compromise to be found, but you're going to need to do the work (in therapy or otherwise) to a) let MIL and public school boys wash over you, and b) learn how to stand up for your rights and what you want in your marriage, and c) recognise and be okay with a period of things being a bit uncomfortable as you start asserting yourself and your H/MIL/all sorts of other people will push back to try to keep you in the neat little box you have been conveniently sitting in. It takes tenacity, strong will and a willingness to let other people and yourself be uncomfortable to change status quo dynamics, but the rewards are there to be had for those who put the effort in.

Incidently, you also mention being very busy in a high stress job. Your overall stress burden will be contributing to how much your MIL stresses you out. If you prioritise relaxation and rest as a non-negotiable essential part of your life, everything is easier to deal with, I promise.

"DH you're mums a
cunt and as I didn't exit her body I have no need to ever see or speak to her again. Do what you want freely but I will never have anything to do with her again."

No Penis is ever good enough to deal with an awful MIL.

Are you two even compatible? Are you going to end up wasting years of your prime just to inevitably end up divorced?

Are you sure it's help to buy she has issue with not shared ownership

As any new build could be done under help to buy