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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL is a snob

108 replies

wiltingrose · 10/08/2022 13:05

My MIL is a snob. And I am struggling to be around her.
I am from a normal lower middle class background, went to university, I had a student loan, and now have a great career.
My MIL looks down on people who have purchased "help-to-buy" properties, so much so that she wouldn't allow her own own daughter to purchase a flat in blocks where people had "help-2-buy" homes.
It's not only this, she makes other snide remarks as well.

I'm proud of what I've achieved. How do I keep MIL at arms length without causing damage between my DH and I. I get so annoyed that DH never calls her out on her out-of-touch comments. She boasts about what a liberal she is!
I want to limit visits to just xmas and easter. Has anyone managed to do this? and keep their marriage in tact?

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 10/08/2022 15:13

I get so annoyed that DH never calls her out on her out-of-touch comments.

Do you call her out yourself?

Doesn't sound like it.

If not, why not?

picklemewalnuts · 10/08/2022 15:19

Honestly she doesn't care what you think. She cuts out people who disagree with her (church volunteers) so her DH and DD never do.

Don't try and address this, it will just cause all out war- which she'll probably enjoy.

Let her warble on, demonstrating her own ignorance. Think, water off a duck's back.
Get some neutral phrases to hand:
'Really?'
'Oh right.'
'I don't know.'
'It's not something I'm interested in.'
'That's not my experience.'
'Let's not disagree' (that's the big gun, for when you're being pushed!)

You're not going to change her, she's not going to change you. Keep your interactions on a superficial level. You don't actually have to like or approve of her, just go through the family motions of being civil on a regular basis.

nokidshere · 10/08/2022 15:31

Yep, I'm with @picklemewalnuts it's just not worth having a family fall out or any of your headspace.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/08/2022 15:34

*Do you call her out yourself?

Doesn't sound like it.

If not, why not?*

I've learned not to call out my horrendous MiL. And it suits me.

SleeplessInEngland · 10/08/2022 15:39

Learn to laugh it off. Pity her for having such a tiny world.

excelledyourself · 10/08/2022 15:42

sunglassesonthetable · 10/08/2022 15:34

*Do you call her out yourself?

Doesn't sound like it.

If not, why not?*

I've learned not to call out my horrendous MiL. And it suits me.

Do you get annoyed at your DH for choosing to do the same though?

SalviaOfficinalis · 10/08/2022 15:42

hoi polloi is very funny, I thought people only said it ironically. If she ever says “the hoi polloi” make sure you point out that she’s saying “the the masses”.

Just be busy whenever the next meet up is.

Give her as little of your headspace as possible. Convince yourself that her opinion is irrelevant to you.

Make sure your DH is doing all the communicating/arranging/ buying of Xmas and birthday presents etc for his family. Don’t get sucked into the wife work.

Quitelikeit · 10/08/2022 15:44

How often do you currently see her?

I just gradually became ill, or had plans blah blah soon I was hardly at meet ups, special occasions yes, but that is all!!

Testina · 10/08/2022 15:44

Laugh. Every single time. “Hoi polloi MIL? Have you been at Downton Abbey again?”

Or challenge her seriously every time. Dead pan, “why are people who can’t buy outright the hoi polloi?”

Don’t call her a snob - just laugh or challenge every time. I do it to my FIL, he goes red and blusters. Because there is no good answer.

ClaudiusTheGod · 10/08/2022 15:48

Hilarious? She’s never worked? So if she hadn’t got married she’d have had to make her own money? Just nod and smile.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/08/2022 15:52

Do you get annoyed at your DH for choosing to do the same though?

I've opted out of letting her disrupt my relationship with my OH. She just doesn't have that affect anymore.

He can say what he likes to her. Sometimes he disagrees with her sometimes he doesn't. I don't think about it.

Hoolahulahoop · 10/08/2022 15:56

I have quite ok but judgy old fashioned in laws. I don't enjoy their company but respect they come from a different era. But I don't tend to visit often. Can you do that ?

Mischance · 10/08/2022 15:57

she wouldn't allow her own own daughter to purchase a flat in blocks where people had "help-2-buy" homes. If someone is old enough to buy their own home, how is it that their parent can "not allow" her to?

Rowen32 · 10/08/2022 15:59

You're well within your rights not to see her if you don't want to.
My husband and I made an agreement we were never obliged to attend any family events on the opposite side that we didn't want to..
Do you do the odd visit apart from Easter and Christmas?
I think seeing them every few months is very doable (just make up the odd excuse) and before you know it you're down to 4/5 times a year.. Does that seem manageable?
Also, it's perfectly okay to admit you don't like her, probably a better way to put it is you don't like some of her behaviour. We can't like everyone and it's unreasonable to expect to someone to like someone's else's whole family jsut because you married them!!

excelledyourself · 10/08/2022 15:59

sunglassesonthetable · 10/08/2022 15:52

Do you get annoyed at your DH for choosing to do the same though?

I've opted out of letting her disrupt my relationship with my OH. She just doesn't have that affect anymore.

He can say what he likes to her. Sometimes he disagrees with her sometimes he doesn't. I don't think about it.

That's good. And that's my point. I don't think the OP should be getting annoyed at her DP for choosing not to do something that she isn't keen to do herself.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/08/2022 16:03

That's good. And that's my point. I don't think the OP should be getting annoyed at her DP for choosing not to do something that she isn't keen to do herself.

I see what you mean.

I realised some time ago if our behaviour around my MiL was causing stress between OH and me, that she was way too influential/powerful.

That's when I changed my approach.

Original poster
wiltingrose · 10/08/2022 16:10

@sunglassesonthetable

I realised some time ago if our behaviour around my MiL was causing stress between OH and me, that she was way too influential/powerful.

That's when I changed my approach.

She takes up so much of my headspace. How did you actually manage it?
Should I have therapy? I feel like I need help to stop her getting to me so much.
I feel after one visit, my mental health is affected for weeks.
After Christmas, it takes months.

I'm normally so strong and have a high pressure job, so I am so surprised that my MIL has managed to break me.

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 10/08/2022 16:11

Pitch it to your h as the less you go, the less she'll annoy you so the less he'll argue about her. If he wants a quiet life (not confronting her but also not fighting with you) then it's a win-win.

How often do you currently see her. Would your h like to reduce his visits to your parents to 2/3 times a year too?

picklemewalnuts · 10/08/2022 16:12

As an aside, I did a little Greek.
It's always " hoi polloi ", never "The hoi poloi".

Hoi (correctly spelled 'oi) means 'the'.

'Oi polloi' = the people.

That might be a good one to mention when she's being irritating. 'Oh, MiL! I was reading recently that you shouldn't say...!'.

picklemewalnuts · 10/08/2022 16:13

wiltingrose · 10/08/2022 16:10

@sunglassesonthetable

I realised some time ago if our behaviour around my MiL was causing stress between OH and me, that she was way too influential/powerful.

That's when I changed my approach.

She takes up so much of my headspace. How did you actually manage it?
Should I have therapy? I feel like I need help to stop her getting to me so much.
I feel after one visit, my mental health is affected for weeks.
After Christmas, it takes months.

I'm normally so strong and have a high pressure job, so I am so surprised that my MIL has managed to break me.

It's because you care. If you stop caring, it doesn't bother you.

Original poster
wiltingrose · 10/08/2022 16:13

PeekAtYou · 10/08/2022 16:11

Pitch it to your h as the less you go, the less she'll annoy you so the less he'll argue about her. If he wants a quiet life (not confronting her but also not fighting with you) then it's a win-win.

How often do you currently see her. Would your h like to reduce his visits to your parents to 2/3 times a year too?

We see his family once-a-month on average.
Since Xmas for 2022 we have seen them at easter, mothers day, MIL birthday, theatre, sunday family BBQ, and coming up a weekend away all together.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 10/08/2022 16:16

If your husband never says anything to her is that because he agrees with her but doesn't want to admit it to you because he knows your views?

picklemewalnuts · 10/08/2022 16:16

Seek out other members of the family. I help FiL in the kitchen, or go and keep an eye on the Dc. My MiL is nice but wearing. I feel her son should entertain her! Not my job just cos I'm female!

Original poster
wiltingrose · 10/08/2022 16:17

@PeekAtYou I think I could cope with x2-3/ year. Xmas/ Easter/ DH birthday.
But DH says we are couple and we need to be a united front. And if I'm not there he would need to tell them why I'm not coming to stuff. So I feel like I'm "locked" in.
He makes me go to other events with his friends as well, which I don't like.
I'm not a socially anxious person at all. But all his friends are quite public school in a caricature sort of way, and I don't find we have a lot of common ground. He says he hates going to stuff alone. I love seeing my friends alone and having one-2-ones. This is why I feel like we need therapy to figure out a way to move forward.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 10/08/2022 16:18

I feel after one visit, my mental health is affected for weeks.

That's pretty extreme, and certainly goes beyond the irritating MIL trope. Since you brought up therapy, are there unaddressed issues in your childhood that might be provoking such a reaction?

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