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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I BU when I confronted this young man

137 replies

48YearsYoung · 10/08/2022 11:57

My daughter is in year 10 and works at a chain food store. When she finishes work, she sometimes goes to the other big chain next to her workplace. This afternoon, she went there and was served by a boy from her class. When he got her drink, he took it back and shoved a wooden spoon in it and told her to go kill herself. When she told me, I went back to the store and asked to speak to the manager and the young man together. I introduced myself and recounted the events back to them both and then gave him a calm, but stern and serious talking to. I should mention that he constantly taunts and belittles the girls at school and often tells them to kill themselves. He was humble and apologetic and made no excuses. I spoke separately to the manager afterwards and apologized for insisting to speak with them both as I'm sure it was embarrassing for him. I felt it had to be done. Now that I've reflected, I realise I will feel bad if he loses his job though he will likely pay her out at school tomorrow. Did I do the wrong thing? My daughter didn't have a problem with it.

OP posts:
WhimsicalGubbins · 10/08/2022 13:45

No, you’re absolutely not being unreasonable.

Your daughter, like the majority of other kids, can just shrug him off and think he’s pathetic. But all it takes is for him to say it to that one child, that one child that’s struggling with depression, or bullying, or a bad home life. If he gets the sack, good. Hopefully it goes some way to teaching him a lesson.

Better that than learning his lesson by someone doing exactly as he says. Actions and words have consequences-the sooner kids learn that the better

Footbal · 10/08/2022 13:48

Well done op. You did the right thing. He sounds like a nasty little shit.

TommySaid · 10/08/2022 13:49

He is going to say this to someone else and get punched or worse so it’s best that he starts learning that his words have consequences asap.

It does sound like is from an abusive home and maybe there’s some SEND there too.
But it doesn’t matter.
His behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to be told so.

I assume you’ve spoken to school about him before but I would speak to them again as the more his name comes up the more likely he’ll be able to get some help before it’s too late.

user29 · 10/08/2022 13:52

you do know ''go kill yourself' is a very common gamer term that young people use a lot. The same strength as ' jump off a cliff' or take a 'take a long walk on a short pier'. I t really means nothing.

I don't understand the wooden spoon thing though.

ANewNameANewDay · 10/08/2022 13:52

Very much sounds like he could be heading into incel territory with his perspectives on women/being isolated etc. Well done for saying something, hopefully it was a reality check for him.

helpfulperson · 10/08/2022 13:52

To be honest I don't think the manager should have let you do that. He should have taken the details of your complaint and then dealt with it under company procedures. Which rightly would have resulted in him get sacked.

SarahSissions · 10/08/2022 13:53

Personally if he wasn’t fired I’d be contacting the head office and pushing for at least a disciplinary. You can’t just go telling customers to kill themselves!!!

id also flag the incident to the school and tell them to keep an eye out for any retribution

fromdownwest · 10/08/2022 13:57

Sadly, I have experience first hand the worst case scenario of these taunts.

The words 'calm' and 'stern' would not be in my vocab describing my actions towards a young man towards my daughter.

Maybe 'enraged' and 'fearful'

Bloodyel · 10/08/2022 14:04

Doesn't matter if he knew your daughter from school or not he shouldn't be saying that to anyone and should not keep his job after doing so.

bringonthesunshinefinally · 10/08/2022 14:05

Who cares if he loses his job. I’d be more concerned a vulnerable girl takes on board his malicious words. Until he sorts himself out he’d be better off in a non public facing job.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/08/2022 14:10

"Apparently he says that women are just here to be slaves to men and they should be treated that way. My DD and friends say he is not joking when he says this stuff."
So he's an incel / MGTOW believer. Dangerous to women and girls. I'd be informing the school and asking what steps they are taking to ensure he stops telling girls to kill themselves, because eventually (and this may be what he hopes for) he'll say this to a troubled girl already thinking of it.

Maybe at 15, he's still redeemable. But the only hope of that happening is if his behaviour is drawn to the attention of those with the ability to refer him for help, i.e. those in authority. School, maybe even the police (because in the US at least, incels have been responsible for quite a few atrocities against women).

ittakes2 · 10/08/2022 14:17

Of course this kid is behaving appalling…but is it just me or does this ring alarm bells for anyone else that this boy is being told this by someone else or he has these thoughts about himself?

Whatkindoflifeisthis · 10/08/2022 14:20

I'd also write to their head office. What a nasty little shit, I hope he does lose his job!

LeFeu · 10/08/2022 14:25

You did the right thing Op, he needs to learn that actions have consequences. And we’ll done for showing your daughter that you take her seriously, will advocate for her and also that bullying men do not have to be tolerated. You’re a great mum.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/08/2022 14:25

ittakes2 · 10/08/2022 14:17

Of course this kid is behaving appalling…but is it just me or does this ring alarm bells for anyone else that this boy is being told this by someone else or he has these thoughts about himself?

I'd normally consider it a possibility; but in the case of an involuntary celibate and their known hatred of women and girls / inability to consider women and girls to be humans in their own right (and not just subhumans whose only functions are to serve males and make all their orifices available to males) it's less likely. He's more likely to see himself as male-and-therefore-superior, not to be wasted in suicide. He may well hate himself, but it's a hate that turns outwards onto women and girls, not inwards onto himself.

silverbubbles · 10/08/2022 14:33

When he gets a new job make sure ask his new manager if they know why he got the sack from the last place.....

Ohdofuckofdear · 10/08/2022 14:44

Of course you did the right thing,well done for sticking up for your DD!

I hope she's ok bless her that can't have been nice.

One thing more I would do is I would inform the school just so they know incase he try's to carry that on at school and you mentioned some of the other girls think there may be abuse going on within his home I'd be reporting any worries about that as well,not that it's an excuse for what he said but no matter how awful a child has been to someone else's child no child should be left to deal with that at home alone.

Scrapologist · 10/08/2022 14:48

My only concern would be if he tries to have revenge on your daughter if he's fired as a result of your complaint. Other than that, I'd say he deserves to lose his job. It's not as though he's supporting a family of five and made one minor slip-up. He's a teenager, and it's good for him to learn now that you can't tell the customer to kill themselves and expect to keep your job. 🙄

Your actions may well have taught him a valuable lesson. But probably not, because tbh he sound like a little shit who isn't exactly destined for greatness.

user1471538283 · 10/08/2022 14:56

He clearly thinks he is so shit hot he can say what he likes even in the workplace! He is hopefully in for a big shock when he loses his job!

I would have done alot more than this! I would also get in front of things and write to head office and the school. The school is to reassure you that he will not engage with your daughter at all. This includes his like minded friends.

ChampagneCharlieIsMyName · 10/08/2022 15:01

Have you bought this up with the school? He sounds totally unhinged. (Sorry if you have answered this, not read the full thread)

ChorltonCreamery · 10/08/2022 15:01

I do wish people would stop questioning OPs.
Little Englanders who don’t realise it’s the Internet… you can log on from anywhere in the world.
Guess what? Other places have different practices, different rules and different terms.
Just give the OP support/advice.

Craver · 10/08/2022 15:14

You did exactly the right thing.
I would advise speaking to the school as he may decide it was your daughter's fault he lost his job & try to take it out on her.

Buythebag40 · 10/08/2022 15:21

Well done OP, you handled it well 👏

However, the boy apologised and was contrite so I would draw a line under it now. Maybe he will have a think about saying these things in future?

I do think there's a lot to be said for teenagers sense of humour nowadays - "go kill yourself" seems to be the new "take a long walk off a short pier" - my dc's say horrible stuff to one another "in jest" that I wouldn't even have had the vocabulary for in my day. We just used to call one another "smelly" or something!

londonlass71 · 10/08/2022 15:24

You did the right thing. Shocking thing to say to someone.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/08/2022 15:27

He's a child who sounds like he comes from a difficult home and has been radicalised into misogyny by the internet (and probably his family). I feel deep sadness for him.

However, the worst possible thing for young men like this is a lack of consequences. Talking to his employer is one thing. The school should be made aware that this is just as dangerous and risky as any other form of radicalisation and just as likely to end tragically.

You've shown your DD we don't bend. Good for you.

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