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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU when I confronted this young man

137 replies

48YearsYoung · 10/08/2022 11:57

My daughter is in year 10 and works at a chain food store. When she finishes work, she sometimes goes to the other big chain next to her workplace. This afternoon, she went there and was served by a boy from her class. When he got her drink, he took it back and shoved a wooden spoon in it and told her to go kill herself. When she told me, I went back to the store and asked to speak to the manager and the young man together. I introduced myself and recounted the events back to them both and then gave him a calm, but stern and serious talking to. I should mention that he constantly taunts and belittles the girls at school and often tells them to kill themselves. He was humble and apologetic and made no excuses. I spoke separately to the manager afterwards and apologized for insisting to speak with them both as I'm sure it was embarrassing for him. I felt it had to be done. Now that I've reflected, I realise I will feel bad if he loses his job though he will likely pay her out at school tomorrow. Did I do the wrong thing? My daughter didn't have a problem with it.

OP posts:
Essexgalttc · 10/08/2022 12:29

Good on you I say!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 10/08/2022 12:30

What a horrible thing for him to say . I wonder if this was his answer to anyone else (I;m thinking same age as him/someone he knows from school )

My DD would now say " D'you want to repeat that ? Bit louder ? Why the feck d'you think I should kill myself" but she is 20 (and assertive ) , I don't think she'd have the balls at 15-16 .

Back in the day , it was "Knock yourself out / Go for it" .
Now the world seems to have a vicious taint to it .

WhatNoRaisins · 10/08/2022 12:31

I think most managers would want to know if their staff were behaving like that to the customers. He probably has a lot of issues but neither you nor his manager are going to be able to resolve them

Kite22 · 10/08/2022 12:31

Agree with everyone else.
I think he should have lost his job over this.
I also think you should let the school know about it, and about him. He doesn't sound like the sort of person to just let it go - especially if there have been no consequences, then he is learning (from the employer) that it is okay to speak to people like that.

10HailMarys · 10/08/2022 12:32

When you say that your daughter didn't have a problem with it, do you mean she didn't have a problem with what he did/said, or that she didn't have a problem with you going into the store to talk to the manager?

If you meant the latter, then definitely YANBU.

If you mean that your daughter was saying 'Mum, it was just a joke, it was funny, we all talk to each other like that at school, we don't mean it, I say that stuff to him as well' then that's different, but on the face of it, it sounds like you acted appropriately.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 12:34

Now that I've reflected, I realise I will feel bad if he loses his job
Why?
I don't give a shit about him, or his job - can I pass some of my not-giving-a-shit along to you to enjoy?

though he will likely pay her out at school tomorrow.
Will DD tell you about it if he does it again? So long as she does, no worries.

Did I do the wrong thing?
Of course you didn't. You talked to the horrible little bully, & told him his actions were out of order & will not be tolerated. How can that be wrong?

My daughter didn't have a problem with it.
Well then.
DD doesn't care about this boy. I don't care about this boy. PP won't care about this boy.
Why do you?

As DD had no problem with you asserting yourself on her behalf, she's likely to keep you posted if the twat kicks off with her again at school.
If he does - do exactly what you did with the store manager, & ensure the Head of Year, Safeguarding Lead, & any other senior staff you can muster are listening to you & coming back with solutions.

FictionalCharacter · 10/08/2022 12:34

WhereAreMyAirpods · 10/08/2022 12:19

Have no idea how old "year 10" is but this person doesn't sound like customer service is his strong suit.

Good point. A customer is a customer and should be treated correctly. If he wouldn’t shove a wooden spoon in the manager’s drink he shouldn’t do it to OP’s daughter.

I expect I’ll be flamed for this, but I believe this kind of behaviour should be clamped down on firmly. He’s telling a young girl to kill herself, has said it to others and no doubt will say it’s a joke. Fast forward a few years and he could be the man holding a knife to his girlfriend’s throat and claiming it’s just playing about (as posted on MN recently).

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/08/2022 12:35

Well done for standing up for your dd, @48YearsYoung - she knows that you have her back, which is more than I did, when I was being bullied and my mum made it my issue/almost my fault (said if I ignored it they'd stop - so when it didn't, I couldn't go back to her because I was sure she'd say I hadn't tried hard enough to ignore it).

I also agree that you should tell the school - it is absolutely vital that this boy is stopped right now, before he tells someone whose mental health is already poor to kill themselves, and they do.

Leafy3 · 10/08/2022 12:36

You absolutely did the right thing but I would have taken it further and demand that he be fired.
I would also be reporting to his Head of Year and Head of School.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 12:36

pepsirolla · 10/08/2022 12:08

I would be speaking to the school too not necessarily naming him but advising them about the bullying that seems to be allowed there and going unchallenged

Why not necessarily naming him?

How else are the school expected to tackle it?

He is telling young people to kill themselves FFS. Have you any idea of the scale of the epidemic of bullying self-harming & poor mental health that youngsters are currently managing in their school lives?

Cervinia · 10/08/2022 12:38

What exactly did the manager say when confronted?

year 10 is 14-15 isn’t it, with year 11 being 15-16. How are they even able to work in chain stores without a NI number?

DD worked at 15 but at an independent fish and chip shop/restaurant and couldn’t get on with a high street store until she was school leaving age. So turned 16 two months prior with a NI number in hand.

Where is this?

CuriousCatfish · 10/08/2022 12:38

I'd have asked my DD how she wanted me to handle it first.

comfortablyfrumpy · 10/08/2022 12:40

He needs to learn that actions have consequences.
Your DD needs to know that his boy's behaviour is unacceptable and she shouldn't have to put up with it.

You did the right thing., OP

jeaux90 · 10/08/2022 12:41

I'd also be letting the school know.

You did the right thing OP.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/08/2022 12:42

How did the manager react? He should be fired for speaking to customers like that. And more importantly why would you feel bad for a boy who said that to your child?

rightonthyme · 10/08/2022 12:43

No, you did right by your daughter. Words have consequences - please let the school know, too. If a student tries to do something to themselves due to bullying it will be too late. I personally think he deserves far worse than being sacked.

SirGawain · 10/08/2022 12:45

He deserves to lose his job. let hope he learns to treat the people who butter his bread with respect.

Imogensmumma · 10/08/2022 12:48

If he doesn’t lose his job you should be calling the heat office of this chain! Not ok to tell customers to go kill themselves! Even if you know/go to school with the other person

Hopefully the kid learns a lesson about the real world!!

InquiringMinds · 10/08/2022 12:50

pepsirolla · 10/08/2022 12:08

I would be speaking to the school too not necessarily naming him but advising them about the bullying that seems to be allowed there and going unchallenged

Spot on! Do as much as you can as one day his behaviour will be taken to heart by another child and by speaking to the a school, this might be stopped before it’s too late.

BeanieTeen · 10/08/2022 12:50

Now that I've reflected, I realise I will feel bad if he loses his job

But he’s not suitable for the job. For the sake of others, he should lose it. I wouldn’t want to be served food by someone like that. Immature, sick little twat probably would think nothing of spitting in a costumer’s drinks if he’s pissed off with them.

GriddleScone · 10/08/2022 12:51

She says "I'd like a drink please."
He hands the drink over, sticks a wooden spoon it and says "go kill yourself?

It just sounds a bit unhinged. What was the wooden spoon about?

honeyrider · 10/08/2022 12:53

Well done on calling him out on his nasty behaviour especially in such a calm way. A vulnerable person on the receiving end of his comment could end up doing just that. Having lost a young family member to suicide 2 years ago the devastation is horrific.

Well done you.

BlackCatTabbyCat · 10/08/2022 12:53

YANBU I hope he does lose his job!

Aposterhasnoname · 10/08/2022 12:55

Certainly don’t feel bad if he gets sacked, if he spoke to my DD like that I’d be demanding it, and yes to telling the school too. Nasty little shit deserves all he gets.

Annoyedwithmyself · 10/08/2022 12:56

Nothing to feel guilty about at all if he does lose his job. That's a totally inappropriate thing to say to a customer and probably amounts gross misconduct. He knows that. If it had been a daft in joke your daughter would have said or probably not mentioned it. Good on you. I'd let the school know in full.