AIBU for being upset at my family for calling me lazy?

[prettybutditzy]

My parents are calling me lazy because I decided to take on a second job because I'm taking a gap year. They say taking on a second job is an American idea and that no one will want to hire me again bc I won't be available for extra shifts at my first job bc I'll be too busy with my second. They say I'm being lazy and have even suggested I move back in and give them control of my bank information which I really don't want to do) : honestly I just want to save up as much money as I can before I start uni next year bc my parents aren't going to help me and I won't get much in loans bc their income is high.. I think they're also mad bc I'll be 19 when starting uni and I'll be behind everyone else which is why I'm asking this question bc maybe they do have a point about some stuff

And they're calling you lazy your helping out with younger siblings so they can work in they're high earning job's. As well as working two jobs yourself. Your family don't appreciate you. I think it's time they arranged some childcare.

Your parents sound toxic. Keep to your own path and don’t hand over any aspect of your life for them to control. Good luck and you sound anything but lazy.

Working two jobs feels like the opposite of lazy to me.

You are an adult living independently, why would they take your parents income into account then?

Have you never questioned why you’re providing free childcare for them when they’re well off?

Are they from a different culture originally? These kind of expectations of girls are common in some cultures.

Why do you have to get your siblings ready for school, take them and then collect them OP?

The unity by which everyone agrees that you are not being lazy gives me a warm glow. You probably have maturity before your time. Dealing with all the responsibilities that have been put on your plate is a big deal.
Your parents sound very much like they want controll of your whole life, your time, your finances, maybe even your marriage?
You get to live your life and you get to make your own choices for yourself. We don't get to choose our family, we have to make the best of what we have.

Sorry for telling you what to do when the whole problem seems to be people telling you what to do. Consider setting boundaries, explain those boundaries and why if family objects, be polite but firm. It might not go down well at first but stay calm and firm. Eventually they will adapt.

I wonder if there's cultural differences involved? Clearly every child is one generation down from their parents. There may be other cultural or religious differences too? Your parents need to realise that you are not them, you are your own person. You seem like a fairly sensible person, I'm confident your decisions will work out. Have faith in yourself. Also if you go away to university which seems a good idea for someon in your position, give yourself the chance to let your hair down and enjoy yourself a litttle. Give you some you time for a change.

I was 19 when I started university - everyone is who has an early September birthday. Seriously don't worry about being 19 when starting university.

And two jobs? Of course you aren't lazy. You sound very organised and that you know exactly what you want. This is great.

Your parents are gaslighting you . FGS how on earth can you having 2 jobs instead of 1 make you lazy! It doesn't make sense !

More context is needed here as it doesn't add up for me. Why are you doing the school run when you no longer live with your parents? Do they have disabilities? Are you a carer for anyone in your family? If not then it's not appropriate as you are focussing on your education.

Who on earth are the 3% who think YABU?

How dare your parents ask for your bank account details
How dare they make you do the school run

You are doing the right thing by being as independent as possible.

Good luck with your degree. DD took a gap year and went at 19. She has just graduated with a first.

Tell them you agree that you are lazy-so have got a third job & are unable to do free childcare any more!

They sound awful.

Stop being free childcare, don't move back & never ever give them your bank details.

I hope you manage to get the help you need from uni.

I think lazy in this context means 'Not doing the jobs we want you to do'. Honestly, you should stick to your guns OP. You're an adult now and you sound like you're working very hard (the opposite of lazy).

Also, I started Uni at 19, loads of people do. You're working life will probably span 40-50 years... what difference will 1 year make? Go and explore while you're young and don't have dependencies/responsibilities.

Yanbu even from the title.
Firstly there's no concept of an unreasonable feeling, feelings just are what they are. That's like saying is it unreasonable that it's Wednesday already. You are entitled to your own feelings.
Secondly being lazy is just a label that people judge other people by. So what if you are lazy, it's your life and you get to define yourself, not other people.
And thirdly regardless of that your description sounds like independence not laziness. They are just throwing emotional grenades at you because your aren't doing what they expect.
One thing I would say is that they are entitled to their feelings as much as you are entitled to yours. So perhaps there are feelings they would like to have but feel guilty about expressing. So once you are clear it can still be worth discussion any feelings or anxieties they are expressing in this unhealthy way.
Good luck!

The idea with student loans being dependant upon total household income is that parents are supposed to top-up the amount for their children if they're not entitled to get the maximum loan. Your opening OP states that they do not intend to help you at all. In which case you are better applying as an independent which you can do since you are not living with them and are paying rent elsewhere.

Your siblings are your parents' children, not yours so you should not be doing childcare for them. Other people pay childminders etc. to drop in them in school if they cannot. Please stop doing this.

If your parents don't wish to "parent" you any longer which they don't appear to be doing now, you need to live your own life for yourself, doing what suits you and ignore their outrageous demands. Working hard and saving up seems very sensible and you are definitely not lazy. They appear to wish to control you and your finances and as an adult, you do not have to agree to anything nor submit to such financially abusive and controlling behaviour. Please don't move back in with them and wherever you go to Uni, make sure it is at least a few hours away from them. Don't rush to visit them when you are away. See how long it takes them to visit you!

Taking a gap year is very normal and lots of students do this. Lots of students are mature students as well. Nothing wrong with doing this and you've pretty much had to do this since they won't support you (don't shy away from admitting this truth to others). I'd go low contact with them for now and just say that you're busy with work. Good Luck.

They’re calling you lazy for working two jobs?
Did your parents fail English? I’m not sure they’ve grasped the meaning of the word lazy.

No, you are not being unreasonable. Your parents are behaving very oddly indeed! If you were my daughter I’d be proud of your work ethic, and the fact you were trying to self fund rather than begging for money.

These years are the freest of your whole life, enjoy them any which way you choose-do not give yourself regrets to look back on when you’re saddled with a mortgage and responsibilities. Starting uni a year late is a mature choice, and one that lots of teens make. You’ll be starting with some worldly wisdom under your belt. This is your life, not your parents. Make choices that make YOU happy

Congratulations on getting out. It would be a very big mistake to move back in with your parents. In your position I would probably stop having contact with them and certainly stop taking the younger children to school. If your parents cannot do this themselves, they need to arrange and pay for child care.

They are attempting to manipulate you to make their lives easier. DO NOT move home or give them control of your finances. Read about parentification. Stay strong. Work hard live YOUR life not there's.

I went to uni as a mature student. There was a gulf of difference between the students who'd gone straight from 6th form and those who started later, even just a year later, in terms of being able to apply themselves to the work and general maturity levels.

I think the mature students got a lot more out of the experience because they knew why they were there and had more experience of life outside uni and were better motivated and more resilient as a result.

If my DC want a year out, I'll definitely support that.

Your parents are being odd and controlling.

@whumpthereitis has hit the nail on the head.
At 19 my parents could still guilt me. I had moved out at 18. I understand how difficult it is for you.

It’s hard for you OP, because you’ve been conditioned to think this is normal. It really, really isn’t. You may want to believe your parents have your best interests at heart, but the reality is that being able to have kids is a test of reproductive function, not character. Some parents are genuinely shitty people, and unfortunately your parents seem to want what is best for themselves.

and if they call you selfish, so what? Lean into it. One of the best things I was taught by my parents is that while it is good to do things for others, anyone that expects and demands it does not deserve whatever gifts you have to give. You SHOULD love yourself enough to choose yourself, and ‘no’ is not a word to be scared of. Get familiar with it, and yes, choose yourself. You have to, because your parents won’t. You owe yourself a happy future.

It is not your job to go and get your siblings ready for school and pick them up etc. It's your parent's job. They are using you, and want to control you. Whatever happens, do NOT give them financial control over your life. Perhaps their "high income" isn't so high and they want to get their hands on your money as well as control your life. If they control your finances you will never again get away from their control. Shame on them for trying to manipulate you. I'd even stop going there and getting your siblings ready for school-they can find a sitter or use daycare etc. Sounds like you are the freebee in their lives and i suspect that you have being doing this for a very long time. That being said, it is great that you have drive to succeed, and kudos to you for wanting to get ahead. There are so many ways to pay for higher education including scholarships and grants. Borrowing money isn't the only option. Keep pushing forward, and you'll get there.

Bat shit crazy. Move away and stay away from them and their controlling ways.

And do not give the bank that address.
And go to uni as an independent student.

Good luck.

Taking time to prepare yourself before going back to higher education is fine as long as you are disciplined to follow through. I got my Associates degree at 22 and my wife got her Bachelors at 26. We both got great jobs that we love in professions that fit us nicely. FYI we are both in our 30's now. My point is, starting higher education at 19 is anything but lazy, it is freaking awesome! Keep your eye on the prize, respectfully decline going back to your parents' and continue to improve your current situation.

@prettybutditzy, your parents aren't helping you financially with college/uni! Therefore, you have to do what is best for you! As an American/US citizen, I can tell you that working and taking care of yourself aren't distinctly American things! There are plenty of US citizens who take on loans or who get financial aid or who work. Your parents made a stupid statement! You have to get whatever you can to further YOUR education because it is YOUR life! Your parents want to control you. You could move back home, but why do they need your banking information to help? They can help you, if that is what they want to do, WITHOUT getting your banking details! That just makes no sense. And, working two jobs isn't lazy! Instead of worrying about what your parents think, take care of YOURSELF and your future! You can do it, but do it on YOUR terms! Life is too short to worry about what other people think about you!