AIBU for being upset at my family for calling me lazy?

[prettybutditzy]

My parents are calling me lazy because I decided to take on a second job because I'm taking a gap year. They say taking on a second job is an American idea and that no one will want to hire me again bc I won't be available for extra shifts at my first job bc I'll be too busy with my second. They say I'm being lazy and have even suggested I move back in and give them control of my bank information which I really don't want to do) : honestly I just want to save up as much money as I can before I start uni next year bc my parents aren't going to help me and I won't get much in loans bc their income is high.. I think they're also mad bc I'll be 19 when starting uni and I'll be behind everyone else which is why I'm asking this question bc maybe they do have a point about some stuff

I wonder why is it you look after your siblings this much? I think it used to be normal a few decades ago but its unusual today. How many siblings have you got and how old are they? I guess if your realationship with your parents was otherwise good, it wouldnt be such a problem. But together with how they treat you its sounds like your family system isnt a healthy one.
Dont worry about starting Uni a year later than some of the other students. You wont be behing in anything. You will be more advanced in life then many.
Hope you can find the strength to keep your life separate from your parents as much as you need.

I don’t see how having two jobs can be lazy. Lots of people take a gap year nowadays, I expect there will be lots of other people your age or older when you start university. Your parents are being very unreasonable. Having two jobs sounds exhausting to me though, I hope you can cope.

Your parents are manipulative bastards! It's blindingly obvious that lazy people do not take a second job, but I'm guessing that calling you 'lazy' is a tool they use to manipulate you into proving you're not lazy by e.g. parenting your younger siblings so they don't have to actually parent themselves. Bastards.

I know you've given scant details here, but they've set my alarm bells ringing. Absolutely DO NOT GIVE YOUR PARENTS YOUR BANK DETAILS. In fact, if they know anything about your banking, have ever so much as seen a statement or passbook, I'd be inclined to open a new account at a different bank. Banks are usually falling over themselves to open accounts for new university students so this should be easy to do. A new banks account, at your current address, would have no connection to your parents' address - so no chance of any letters/statements/cards going astray to them.

"I just want to save up as much money as I can before I start uni next year bc my parents aren't going to help me and I won't get much in loans bc their income is high."

As* *@Bollindger suggested -

"You can sign so form and say your independent of your parents income, and get more loans if need be. My friend had to do this as her parents refused to help her"

Contact your university for help about that.

"I just go to my parents in the morning to get the kids ready for school and take them to school and then I'll pick then up and walk them a home after before my next shift"
And what are your parents doing at these times? Honestly, I don't see your parents letting you out of their claws - you're far too useful to them as a skivvy! You need to protect yourself from them. Give them no information that they can use against you, give them no access to your life - and don't look back. Move forward with your life, which will be much happier without this toxic pair sucking you dry.

They aren't using lazy in the way you think they are.

This.

I had this from my Mum even when I was working full time in summer break- and taking every overtime offer so often 7 days a week 16 hour shifts - and job came with own transport so odd shift patterns didn't cause them any giving me lift issues.

I had younger teen sister at home who didn't get any of it - so was focused on me - I think it was a mix of pride but envy her own education was stopped by her parents needing her to work - frustration she was ill but unwilling to ask for help and frustated when I tried to pitch in as it wasn't her doing it - concern about further study plans and frustration I wasn't around to show off or be with and possible irritation I was back in house upsetting her routines despite me trying not to.

It was upsetting but 16 hour on feet in hot workplace in severely understaffed job - I knew I wasn't lazy - plus was having to keep eye on hours and HR/wages as they were fudging something suspect wasn't supposed to be able to do those hours.

I wonder if it's a reaction to gap year as well as fears at loss of help- I know my parents and DH were horrified at concept before or after degree - but they were all in full time work most at 15 and half and latest at 16 half who then spent years doing extra qualifications at night.

Don't give them bank info, step back bit by bit with childcare extra support easier with two jobs, have plan if emergency come up and find forms for declaring independence just in case.

DH's parents were horrified at concept of gap year - not him.

Though even they now are aware of friends kids who do it now - and working and earning money for uni isn't a bad idea.

My DD was 19 starting Uni and my DS will be too, they just started school a little later because of how their birthdays fell. It's no issue at all. Also, lazy for getting two jobs? I don't get the logic there

Do not move back in. Only offer as much childcare as you WANT to offer to maintain our close relationship with your siblings - don't be pushed into doing it just to make your parents' lives easier: your siblings are their responsibility, not yours.
Enjoy your life and embrace your own choices!

As a parent with daughters a little older than you, there is absolutely no need to share bank details with them UNLESS it is account name, sort code and account number so they can give you money. That's all I have for my daughters. I do know about some of the accounts they have, but that's because they chose to talk to me about them. Otherwise, it's none of my business. And you are definitely NOT lazy!

Have you ever heard of 'Parentification'? It's essentially where parents palm their kids off onto older Siblings and expect them to do their job for them. It sounds like this is what your parents were doing and are now panicking as they're no longer going to have their maid do things for them.

Wanting to control your bank account means that they'll be able to control the money you have (or don't have) and ensure you stay where they want you. Taking a 2nd job means you'll have more money and if they aren't able to access any of it, then that gives them less control over you, which they won't like.

Put them on an information diet - tell them very little about your life and try and ensure you put some distance between them as soon as possible.

I don't get the connection between two jobs and being lazy?

All this. I'm sorry OP but your parents are being crazy controlling. You shouldn't be doing the school run's - they should.
Don't let them near your bank account, and get as far away as possible.

Yup. This.

You are an adult living independently give yourself total credit for that. Do not move back home or give them control of your money. I would also stop helping them out with free childcare as if they are not helping you finance wise and being this cruel to you what do you owe them? Know its cruel but put yourself 1st.

This.

You desperately need to apply as an independent student.

Helping out a bit is good, being used as childcare and them trying to control you and your money and you not living with them sounds abusive.

OP, would you give Women's aid a call for a chat.
They are there to support all women in difficult circumstances.

You most certainly are not lazy.

More lime your parents want your time.

They are well off but using you for childcare....that it abusive.

I don't see how working 2 jobs and doing what's basically a childminders job is lazy?? Loads of people take gap years and I think there'll be more people than ever starting uni a year or two later in the next year or so because they haven't had that chance to travel and there's been less opportunities for typical student jobs during lockdown.
Have your parents always been so controlling?

At 19, you should be getting some enjoyment out of life with people your age not doing other people’s chores in your spare time!

Sadly I think this situation is true, based on what happened to distant family.

This is unbelievable. Why are you doing any of this?

Huh? Why don't your parents get their children ready and take them to and from school?

I took a gap year for financial reasons. I have never had any problem landing a job. Usually worked multiple jobs at same time. Makes sense to me.

You aren't lazy, and they are hugely taking advantage of you. Steer very clear and carry on building your own life!

Btw, my best friend went to uni at 30 and is having a brilliant time. He's about to start a year in industry placement at a huge games company and he was worried that his age would put him at a disadvantage - it hasn't at all. I had another dear friend on my MA course who was a single Mum in her 40s who had fled domestic abuse. She was so talented and was doing great things, but sadly died a few years after we graduated.

Not everyone has to go at 18, and at 19 you will still probably be one of the youngest people there. Your parents don't know what they are talking about.

Please tell us you are going to university at least 100 miles away from your parents' home?

Don’t move back to your parents and especially not since they want to control your bank account. That’s seriously crossing the line. You are working two jobs and they should be proud instead of trying to stop you growing and having a life!

So they’re mad because they’re losing control of you. You're supposed to be a built-in babysitter that is financially dependent on them.

No one with two jobs can be described as lazy, no matter what they’re telling you. You’re young, and it sounds like they’ve manipulated you into thinking anything about this set up is normal. It’s not. It’s actually abusive. As terrifying a prospect that standing up to them may seem, it will liberate you. You are not responsible for your siblings.

It seems you’ve already managed to get out from under their roof. Good. Continue to extract yourself from their sphere of influence. They’ll rant and rave, but let them. They have no real power of you; do not give them any.

I wish I had half the sense you have when I went to university! You sound extremely switched on and sensible.

OP,

You sound wonderful. Don’t let anyone, most especially your parents, convince you otherwise.

I would definitely not let them have any control of your finances!

Agree 100% with everyone here that you are the very opposite of lazy, and as an academic I can assure you that Year 1 is always full of 19 year olds. Many employers will be impressed with the fact that you spent a gap year working two jobs.

As an eldest with some much younger sibs myself, the hardest thing for me about your situation is your routine with them. You are 100% justified stepping back to prioritise your earnings. I think you can explain to your sibs that you need to do this for yourself, you will miss your time with them, etc. Try to cultivate your relationship with them in other ways if it is important to you. OTOH if you need all your energy for yourself, that’s fine.

Good advice about your eligibility for financial aid etc upthread. Best wishes in this difficult situation