Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

[Teentaxidriver]

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

This - although if your uncle did explicitly say to give some to your "D"B I would honour that too. Personally wouldn't give more than 20%.

Do they know what the estate is worth? Could you claim it's half, when it's not?

However I also wonder if you come across as very wealthy to your family. You say £550k would pay off only a "big chunk" of your mortgage, suggesting your house is worth a lot (making assumptions here that you are at least in your 40s and therefore have been on housing ladder for a while). Could this be in play too?

Getoff is exactly right. I never expected to inherit anything. He was my only uncle and, especially after my GP died, important to me. I didn't have a relationship with him in the hope of inheriting. It was always ALL going to his child.

TeenTaxi...she actually said she has plans to turn his rural farmhouse into a pub! I was so taken aback and in the back foot that I couldn't argue back. Her husband is a bit of a wheeler dealer and I think they cooked this strategy up together as they see me as a soft touch. I'm so glad my uncle has told me not to do it...I can tell them when the time comes that he said this and that's that.

It's horrible though and I feel for you as well as it is so stressful. I can't bear to see them or be around them now because the way they're behaving is so manipulative. I have four young children yet they would steal the teeth out of their heads! And they honestly do nothing for my uncle except laugh at him and make jokes about him drooling or smelling. I just wish they'd leave us all alone.

He left it to you .

@Teentaxidriver can you get out of them coming on the trip on Friday?

I can understand why you'd post here, OP. Talking about significant sums of money to friends is difficult. It can, even in the most sensible and grounded of people, give rise to difficult feelings. It's why most people keep very quiet about inheritances and other windfalls. Money is powerful stuff.

I suggest that you keep aside some money in your own name and invest it for the future. I think every woman should have an emergency fund of money only she knows about/ has access to. My sister inherited £100k from my mum 22 years ago and used it to pay off the family mortgage and for improvements to the house. Six years later her husband walked out and she lost a very large chunk of that £100k in the divorce, because it had been sunk in the family home and she couldn't prove that she'd paid for the new kitchen and bathrooms etc. Look after your own interests.

They can’t know how much the estate will be worth, especially since the taxes have not yet been paid. Just tell them you are surprised how little it is, and you’ll work out what to do later, when it’s all settled.

Then carry out the expressed wish of the deceased.

Sorry for you loss but do not insult your uncle by giving what in now basically a random stranger 125k.
Your parents need to grow up to. Keep it for you and your family.

Oh boy. I'm involved in an inheritance 'thing' too. I think the general advice is always to have at least one executor who isn't going to inherit. That would have helped in my case because there's no need for probate and the executors won't let me see the will. I will inherit something, but have had at least three explanations of how things will be split. There was talk of agreeing to let one of the beneficaries have more because of something that transpired, which at the time of the death I felt was reasonable, but now because of the actions of that beneficary and the executors I'm going to say no.

I suggest you do the same. Even if you did the split with your brother and give money to your parents, there is absolutely no guarantee whatsoever that your parents will leave 50/50 to you and your brother. They may be so aggrieved about this that they don't do that anyway. And from what you've said of your brother, I doubt he'd be too fussed to make sure you got half if it wasn't in the will.

So I'd gird my loins, give all three of them a token amount of £50,000 each, secure in the knowledge that your uncle wanted YOU to inherit, and wanted you to be able to have a better life. No one could reasonably grumble at receiving that amount of money when they hadn't been named in the will.

Then I'd get on with providing for your own family with the £400,000 you've got left.

Nothing like a will/money to bring out the best in families!
It's easy for people like me to sit behind my keyboard and tell you what you should or shouldn't do but in all honestly i really hope you do the right thing and see your family for the money grabbers they are being. I'd honestly be so tempted to tell them a figure you plan to give to them and then when it comes round to it send them an envelope with the receipt for the amounts of money you have donated to a charity 😂
The money you are set to receive is absolutely life changing and i would not jeopordise that for anybody or anything, yes it might be a different story had your parents and brother been involved equally with your uncle and had good relations with him but even then the fact he left it to you is not your fault and you should not feel guilty or feel a sense of loyality to share it. Your parents or brother should also not behave in the way you have described, yes they may be upset that they have been excluded but they should be happy for you.
I have no large savings, am not on the property ladder and i am set to inherit nothing significant from my family as they also have no large savings and do not own any property. With this money you will be able to have a much more comfortable life and know you can give so much to your children so please don't take that for granted it's clearly what your uncle wanted.

If you feel you must include your brother, i would give him a generous offering although not as much as you have said and lay your conscience to rest, you do not owe your parents anything. You will have to be prepared this may ruin your relationship with your family but what is the alternative, you give them what they want and you think miraculously that will make everything ok?

I hope you do make the right decision for you and YOUR family (husband and kids) and i am very sorry for your loss and the way your family are treating you, at a time like this they should be so ashamed for acting like such monsters.

Why would you go against your uncle’s wishes? This is clearly what he wanted. Your family don’t get to decide, your uncle already did. This is why we have wills in the first place. You deserve it too.

Easy for me to say but I wouldn't be making any quick decisions. Your uncle knew what he was doing. Let it all settle & then you decide. Don't be bullied. And try & get out if the car journey.

There is no way I would give by DB 125k when he couldn't be bothered to give your uncle the time of day and you're being treated this way

same, it baffles me on mn the idea that inheritance must be shared if it's not to the desired outcome by those left behind-bollox. It was your uncle's cash, he left it to you fair and square. Do not be bullied into giving anything.

It’s wild what people think they’re entitled to.

if my brother had a relationship with, and cared for, a relative that I’d had nothing to do with for 20 years, why the fuck would I expect anything? From the relative, or from him as the beneficiary?

The money was intended for you. If you started gifting to ungrateful relatives, you will find the following happens. Whatever you offer will never be enough (in the eyes of greedy folk). Secondly, it opens a trap door for probate contesting...an admission on your part that they maybe due money. I am dealing with this, and have previously been executor as well. You don't need to get solicitors involved, just value everything and file for probate with the court. Once you have a grant of representation, prioritise your own debts and do not let relatives impact your decision-making. If you gift them, they'll spend it and then feel resentful towards you anyway. Your uncle worked hard for that money, so invest it wisely in the tough economic times we all find ourselves in. He wouldn't have wanted others to have it if he knew how they were behaving towards you now.

At the end of the day your uncle told you to give them something so I think you need to honour that. Whether your brothers wife is coming into money is irrelevant and nothing to do with this. They are behaving badly. I’d do what your uncle asked, it doesn’t have to be a huge sum but in line with what you think he would give himself given their relationship the last while.
then after it’s all over and finalised refuse to discuss it again.

If the uncles brother is a decent person and needs financial help I would give him 25K too and reduce your brothers share by that amount, otherwise keep to your schedule.

Pressed post too soon.

and if I started whining and demanding he’d be fully entitled to pick me up and put me in the fucking bin.

I don’t understand the dire warning about family estrangement either. Frankly that’s a blessing when it saves you from having to deal with money grabbers. Rather than something to be avoided, it's something to be embraced.

Agree. Their behaviour means the relationship is toxic and will remain so. They will be toxic with, or without, the money.

So you either respect your uncle's wishes, and take care of your children, or give in to this awful manipulation.

Your Uncle made an active decision in leaving out your parents. He changed his will to do so! You would not be following his wishes if you give your parents money.

Honour your uncle.

(Your parents will still think they should have inherited it all - so giving them some isn't going to help their attitude to you.)

Your uncle did not give money to your DB either. He doesn't sound to have been as against that but note - he didn't give him any.

(If you want to give DB a gift - do so but please don't give it in response to pressure. As you noted - he didn't step up and help your uncle. That was his choice.)

The first thing to do when someone dies is nothing. Sort out the essentials but let the dust settle - and all fees be paid - before you do anything at all.

My grandfather was an accountant and said you should never leave money ‘up’. That is to say, leave it to younger generations. Would your parents subsequently leave any money that you gave them to your brother? You should get legal advice before you make any decision, but I don’t think I’d be giving a significant amount of an inheritance away. Perhaps a small gesture to your brother, but not your parents.

If your Uncle had wanted his nephew to have a substantial amount he would have included him in the will, giving him anything is disrespecting his wishes.

A similar thing happened in our family, we, especially my late husband, then retired, spent a lot of him helping an elderly cousin of mine, my brother did nothing but poke fun at him. On the cousin's death he named all three of us, me, late husband and brother, in his quite small will and brother thought it should have been just the two of us.

Don't disrespect your uncle's wishes.

Your parents have told you that they value their son above everything. Think of your own future first.

I suspect your parents will in turn leave the majority of their wealth to Dbro.

Money is a curse for families, be prepared to be made to feel guilty before being frozen out of the family as this will cut deep.

Both of my DGP left the property to one sibling, both had 8 DC who were young struggling adult's with young families.

My father DM left one daughter the house and 30,000 savings in 1985.

All of the family on dads sides fell out eventually.

When my aunt died 2 years ago the one who'd inherited DGP house 30 years earlier left it to her DC who sold it for 600,000 alongside the home she lived in when DGM died.

Aunt didn't have a happy life for her greed.

We had no relationship with cousins passed 1990.