Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

[Teentaxidriver]

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

Anna Barbieri has an excellent podcast and one of the episodes is dealing with difficult older people.

It will give you a boost to listen to it.

It sounds like you're the grown-up in the room. There are also definite hints of mysoginy and greed from your DP wafting about. Sounds like DB dgaf, so why be running around after him.

The will was only written in May of this year therefore the will is recent and accurately reflects the wishes of your deceased uncle. Had he wished to give anything to your brother he would have reflected it in the will.

Your brother doesn't seem to have an issue with this as you say it's your parents who are kicking up a fuss.

Presuming your uncle was of sound mind you are under no obligation to share anything.

If it were me, I would have a feel for brothers financial position. Does he need money? If you know he's struggling I would consider gifting him something appropriate to his situation. If he is comfortable, and noting you say your own financial position is precarious, I would be inclined to keep it

I would share it out this is the kind of thing that sours relationships forever.

Why so sneery? The wisdom of crowds is very useful, actually.

Regarding possible future inheritance from your parents/being written out of their will/disinherited. There is no guarantee that there will be any inheritance if they need nursing home care.

Go to your solicitor, let them deal with everything and push back on your parents/brother. Just keep telling them, my solicitor is dealing with Uncles wishes.

I would honestly give my brother half. I do have a brother, he can be a bit of a dick at times but I couldn't keep unearned money knowing he'd been given little or nothing. I wouldn't enjoy the money and it would break family relations for the rest of our lives.

You never expected this money, half of it is still a fuck ton of a windfall. I know it's not very mumsnet but I'd take the path of least resistance on this one.

I was in a similar situation.
I inherited from an Uncle who left nothing to my siblings.
I did share equally, it would have ruined relationships if I didn’t, but in some ways I regret not following my uncle’s wishes. I feel very guilty about that.
Think very hard about what you will do.
Also think about what would be done if the situation was reversed.

Maybe she doesn't want to discuss huge sums of cash with friends. You don't know what financial position friends are in.
I can see many reasons why getting thoughts of those with no skin in the game is a good move.

Goodness, I have read all the OP’s posts - and no where does she say all this that you are imagining!

Your uncle left you the money to do with what you wished, and your wish was to share it with others. You have followed his wishes.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately situations like this being out the absolute worst in people, I see it every day as part of my job.

Firstly, if I were you, I would instruct a good solicitor to apply for Probate and administer the estate on your behalf. Make your life easier and act as a buffer between you and your parents/brother.

Secondly, bear in mind that your parents/brother may try and challenge the Will on the basis of undue influence/want of knowledge/approval, or lack of capacity. It’s important that whoever drafted the Will asked all the appropriate questions when the Will was drafted, particularly if your Uncle was very elderly or could be perceived as vulnerable.

You could try and head them off at the pass by varying the Will to include a couple of pecuniary gifts to them (£20-25k each say), but on condition they sign something to say that they accept they have no other claim on the estate. This may be worthwhile on your part to avoid defending a formal claim and the associated costs.

Morally, I don’t believe you have any obligation to give them a penny, but it depends on whether you want to maintain amicable relations.

If it were me I would be tempted to tell them a massive fib, that your uncle left a Letter of Wishes (these aren’t public docs for Probate purposes so they would never be able to prove if there was one or not) which gave you discretion as his Exec to gift a substantial proportion of his estate to to charity and that’s what you’ve done.

TL:DR Ultimately it’s none of their business and you owe them nothing.

I hope the situation is resolved as quickly as possible and you are able to enjoy your good fortune and know that you were a good niece.

The solicitor would not share this.

If it were me I would be tempted to tell them a massive fib, that your uncle left a Letter of Wishes (these aren’t public docs for Probate purposes so they would never be able to prove if there was one or not) which gave you discretion as his Exec to gift a substantial proportion of his estate to to charity and that’s what you’ve done.

oh dear god don’t do this

There’s no pleasing some people.
If you give away 100k there would be complains “why didn’t you give 200k” and so on.

Money brings out the worst in people,even the ones very closely related.

You owe absolutely nothing to your parents or DB and they are VBU to pressurise you into giving away your money.

Don’t do the car journey with your parents as they will be chewing your ears off with “shoulda,woulda,coulda”
Family fall outs are sometimes healthy when it comes to shutting off unreasonable people.
Refuse to discuss the will with your parents like a broken record “I don’t want to talk about it”.Walk away if you need to.

Your brother is not in financial dire straits and neither are your parents.

Think about yourself and DH.

Good luck OP

I’d give db a small token amount, say £10,000 - only because your uncle asked you to give him something - your brother or parents don’t know that an amount wasn’t specified therefore you could easily say ‘this was uncles wishes’.

No way would I let parents come with you on the journey on Friday. It’s your car from the way I read your post so just don’t pick them up. Just do things yourself, in your time.

This money is for you upon your uncles wishes. Your db wife has already had an inheritance from her side - you’re not entitled to that money so he’s not entitled to a share of yours. If db suddenly won 5million on the lottery would he give you a share - I doubt it.

Finally, as there was a will it’s VERY clear cut. Simple. End of.

I’d probably give them a share but I would apply for probate without any interference from them and keep the details entirely private. If you’re named as the executor then they can’t involve themselves anyway.

That's a really good point.

Would he give you money if the situation was reversed?

And it's pointless giving it your DP if they are well-off as it opens their estate up to IHT, depending on limits, etc.

I agree with this.

Back away from these people OP.

Your uncle wanted you to have it.

Give your brother 5k if you like and be done with it.

Don't bow to bullys.

Let this money help your life.

I feel for you OP. I'm a carer for my uncle...I do absolutely everything for him. Everything. He has written his will in my favour, leaving me the house and some land. My family are aware of this and are all happy apart from one sister. He was very ill some months ago and we thought he was near death - my sister then asked me if she could have some land to build on. I didn't commit, one way or another but she has since announced she wants his house! I was speechless. At no time have I said she could have anything. She keeps telling me what she will do with it as if she is trying to cement it in my head.

She does nothing for my uncle and it is so unbelievably disrespectful to try to grab his house when he is still very much alive and recovering. I spoke to my uncle as we are very close and he told me to say no, because once it's gone it's gone. Those are his wishes and I will abide by them although the conversation with my sister is NOT going to be easy.

Don’t give them anything. Honour your uncles wishes, which were that you had it. Grey rock your family.

Take all the money as your uncle intended. He knew his sister and his nephew and chose not to leave them anything. You'll have to pay Inheritance Tax (£40K+ from the sound of it). Stabilise your family's financial position, including finding a new career path and investing in retraining for your husband (no point in him continuing in a dying industry). Invest what's left for the future and assume your parents will leave everything to your brother on their demise. I'm afraid they sound like the kind of people who'd do that if you didn't do what they told you to do. You're a thoughtful adult with children: you don't have to do everything they say.

I have lurked on Mumsnet forever. I am here because whilst I am getting lots of support from DH and friends, DH is away with work leaving me with my 2 DS and everything is churning around in my head.

BrokeAsaBone - I am speechless at your sister's rapaciousness.

@Endlesslypatient82

Endlesslypatient82
Op, in all seriousness why are you getting support from mumsnet and not your partner and friends?

something like this… I’d be calling my two closest friends of 25 years to chat everything through

++++

This equally applies to 95% of the posts on MN. Sometimes people want an outsiders / wider audience opinion on things.

So sensible, particularly the advice on cancelling the trip. This is literally none of their business. And I personally would only give them and your brother a token amount - 10% between them would work if I were you.