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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go to Ibiza with friends for my big birthday

120 replies

morekidsthanhands1 · 09/08/2022 12:18

I’m reaching a big birthday next year. I’ve never been to Ibiza and always wanted to go. I wouldn’t prob go to any of the big clubs, more the daytime stuff and smaller beach clubs. I don’t really know much about where etc but I’d like more of a happy dance vibe nothing too hardcore. I love love love dancing and music. It’s my happy place. I’m always going to music gigs and I’m always dancing at home. Anyway I said to my close group of girlfriends (we used to do a weekend away once a year pre covid but haven’t since) about going to maybe a festival next year. But then I looked at the prices at its stratospheric for some! One of my friends said It’d be cheaper to go to Ibiza than a festival and that got the chat going with everyone agreeing and lots saying they’d love to go and never been.
my DP is def not the clubbing/dancing type and we are planning a separate holiday just us two as his treat to me. I’m not doing anything else for my bday really. Generally I don’t celebrate beyond a family meal out but this is a big one, so why not??
anyway when mentioned to DP re the maybe just maybe idea of Ibiza he flips out and says if I go I’m coming back single. It’s ridiculous to even think of going, at my age! Only reason people go is for sex and drugs. Totally slammed it and then said he was disappointed I wasn’t planning my bday with him. I have a very close group of friends and we’ve been mates for over 17 yrs and been thru lots together, they mean alot to me. But of course I would be doing something with DP and also my kids too. Now I just feel selfish wanting to do something with friends. The chat in the group is now all about Ibiza, it seems lots want to go, my bday is just an excuse, but now I can’t go as I don’t want a fight or atmosphere about it with DP
i don’t think this is one I can reason with him either.
am I being ridiculously selfish and immature going to Ibiza at my age? I’m turning 50 by the way

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 09/08/2022 12:24

It's not selfish at all. It's just a birthday at the end of the day. You get one every year. If my partner really wanted to do something different for his, I'd be happy for him to go - and it lets me out of having to organise anything. Phew!
Dance away, birthday girl. 💃

Hoolihan · 09/08/2022 12:31

It's up to you where you go and what you do. I go to Ibiza every year either with a group of girls or in a mixed group with my DP and other couples. It is THE BEST PLACE ON EARTH. No extra-marital sex involved whatsoever 😂 We just swim and eat and dance dance dance. We tend to stick mostly to the north and east coasts, avoiding San An and Bossa.

Hoolihan · 09/08/2022 12:33

We are all your age btw. Best time to go is Sept imo, when the young uns have all gone home.

Sirzy · 09/08/2022 12:33

Go and enjoy it!

I plan on going to Ibiza for my 40th, my partner is in his 50s and is coming with me.

Sciurus83 · 09/08/2022 12:34

He would threaten to break up with you over a HOLIDAY? That's, not good. But anyway you should definitely go

mrstea301 · 09/08/2022 12:39

YANBU - my friends and I are literally having this conversation for next year!!

It's fine to want to go on holiday, what would be unreasonable would be to force him to go when he's not interested. Why does he get to decide?! Tell him to plan your birthday holiday and this will be a bonus one with your friends!

Fupoffyagrasshole · 09/08/2022 12:43

Well you go with your friends and come back single then ! Think you’d be better off turning 50 without a controlling boyfriend in tow and spend the rest of your life having fun!

he sounds like a right idiot tbh

maranella · 09/08/2022 12:47

says if I go I’m coming back single

I think I'd have replied 'In that case, I'll save you the bother of dumping me after my birthday and say goodbye now'. What a controlling arsehole!

OP it's your birthday, celebrate it however you wish. I definitely can't blame you for wanting to spend it with your friends when you DP is clearly such an arse.

Winederlust · 09/08/2022 12:47

YANBU. Can I.come?

Winederlust · 09/08/2022 12:49

Seriously though, I would rather be single than put up with a partner who tries to dictate where I can and can't go with my friends on my birthday.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2022 12:51

Let me get this straight... He believes you'll take drugs and fuck random strangers if you go on a holiday with your friends? That's how little he thinks of you?

You're better off single.

TemperTrap · 09/08/2022 12:51

He's being ridiculous and controlling. No way should you back out because of him.

I'd make sure you're single asap tbh.

Hoppinggreen · 09/08/2022 12:52

Why does he think you need to go to Ibiza to cheat on him?
He is being ridiculous

drawacircleroundit · 09/08/2022 12:54

My DH would be overjoyed for me if:
A) I had a lot of friends
B) I had held on to these friends for 17 years
C) I wanted to enjoy myself so much
D) I was happy to plan such a treat myself.
Not sure why yours isn’t, therefore.
What would he be like if, say, you wanted a week in Cornwall with your friends? Is it the reputation of Ibiza that’s the problem? Just trying to get into his head…

Itwillworkifyoutryit2222 · 09/08/2022 13:01

morekidsthanhands1 · 09/08/2022 12:18

I’m reaching a big birthday next year. I’ve never been to Ibiza and always wanted to go. I wouldn’t prob go to any of the big clubs, more the daytime stuff and smaller beach clubs. I don’t really know much about where etc but I’d like more of a happy dance vibe nothing too hardcore. I love love love dancing and music. It’s my happy place. I’m always going to music gigs and I’m always dancing at home. Anyway I said to my close group of girlfriends (we used to do a weekend away once a year pre covid but haven’t since) about going to maybe a festival next year. But then I looked at the prices at its stratospheric for some! One of my friends said It’d be cheaper to go to Ibiza than a festival and that got the chat going with everyone agreeing and lots saying they’d love to go and never been.
my DP is def not the clubbing/dancing type and we are planning a separate holiday just us two as his treat to me. I’m not doing anything else for my bday really. Generally I don’t celebrate beyond a family meal out but this is a big one, so why not??
anyway when mentioned to DP re the maybe just maybe idea of Ibiza he flips out and says if I go I’m coming back single. It’s ridiculous to even think of going, at my age! Only reason people go is for sex and drugs. Totally slammed it and then said he was disappointed I wasn’t planning my bday with him. I have a very close group of friends and we’ve been mates for over 17 yrs and been thru lots together, they mean alot to me. But of course I would be doing something with DP and also my kids too. Now I just feel selfish wanting to do something with friends. The chat in the group is now all about Ibiza, it seems lots want to go, my bday is just an excuse, but now I can’t go as I don’t want a fight or atmosphere about it with DP
i don’t think this is one I can reason with him either.
am I being ridiculously selfish and immature going to Ibiza at my age? I’m turning 50 by the way

@morekidsthanhands1 He’s being a bit dramatic, have you ever given him cause to think you’d be unfaithful? Has he ever been unfaithful?

balalake · 09/08/2022 13:03

I don't buy into the notion of a 'big' birthday, just an idea to get people to spend more money.

Whether you go on holiday to Ibiza or not, separate question to me.

vivainsomnia · 09/08/2022 13:07

I think if it was reversed and a 50yo married man was planning to spend his birthday partying in a known party place with his friends rather than spend the day with his family, the answers would be very different.

Why do you need to go the day if your birthday? Spend it with your family and go to Ibiza a few days later?

WeAreTheHeroes · 09/08/2022 13:09

His response is off the scale. If you can afford then I cannot see why a partner would object? Is it perhaps because he wasn't being included rather than you asked him but he declined? Some people are weird like that, but saying he'll divorce you if you go is just bonkers and makes me think you may well be better off without him.

agedasiago · 09/08/2022 13:15

Yes, Ibiza sounds great for you based on what you've said you like. Not sure when your birthday is but if it's mid-June through early September: awesome, but book ahead as it's high season! Late April through mid-June and September-October: a little more laid back but still busy and great weather - I'd go then if choosing. November - mid April: quieter (and cheaper!); check to make sure all the things you want will be available. Have a great trip!

... anyway when mentioned to DP re the maybe just maybe idea of Ibiza he flips out and says if I go I’m coming back single. It’s ridiculous to even think of going, at my age! Only reason people go is for sex and drugs. Totally slammed it and then said he was disappointed I wasn’t planning my bday with him.

I'd have said awwww, he wants to be with you on your birthday ... but the abusive prickery (and ageism and weird ignorance and possibly xenophobia - people LIVE on Ibiza) of his response puts me off too much to have any sympathy with him.

millyv · 09/08/2022 13:23

So - this may be outing if anyone in RL is on here but anyway...

Back in 1993 a group of girls all met for the first time in a new school on the first day of year 7, fast forward to 2022 and we have all turned 40 within 3 months of each other.

We always said we would do something for our 40th as a group (no husbands or children) , so a number of years ago started putting £20 a month away into an account.

Upshot is next Friday we are all going to Ibiza on a girls holiday - I have no intention of doing drugs or random shagging. It is literally going to be a cross between doing absolutely bugger all on an all inclusive holiday and having 2 party nights.

The reason we chose Ibiza was pretty much the same as you, none of us had been and wanted to go and see what it was like. We're off to a pool party that I know my husband wouldn't be into so I know I'll enjoy it more with the girls but we're also staying in a really nice hotel away from the proper craziness so we can chill. We're just looking at it as a relax/party/catch up without having to run around after anyone!

Go and have fun, you only turn your age once - and if covid has taught us anything life is for living! Cheers and happy birthday!

ClocksGoingBackwards · 09/08/2022 13:31

Call his bluff. Tell him that if he’s stroppy and childish enough to create this much fuss about you having a girls holiday, and if he thinks so little of you that he believes you’d do anything he should worry about, then you won’t mind coming back single.

Becky6758 · 09/08/2022 13:33

It wouldn’t be my destination of choice but he’s being a Twat.

Go and have a good time!

Testina · 09/08/2022 13:34

He’s not a partner, is he? He’s not acting like one. He’s just a boyfriend 🤷🏻‍♀️ Easily dumped.

Your age is utterly irrelevant.

Unless you’re using his money to pay for it, tell it’s not his choice, and if he wants to dump you over it - he’s saving you the job.

Testina · 09/08/2022 13:39

I note that on your only other thread 96% out of 1565 people thought your boyfriend was wrong about that attempt to dictate and control.

And I can tell you the 63 minority will include:


  • people who read it wrong

  • people who clicked it accidentally

  • people who meant “YABU to even ask if YABU”

  • people being contrary for the wankerish fun of it


So the vast majority of people aren’t impressed by your boyfriend, are they?

Googlecanthelpme · 09/08/2022 13:43

in an effort to be fair, what has been agreed previously in the relationship?
Me and my DH are fine with each other going away for weekends and trips - including abroad - but only really for long weekends, 4 days max. This is totally because we have a young demanding family though. It is not about control or gate keeping.
We have an agreement whilst kids are young, this would be our limit for time away with friends.

In past relationships ive had partners who couldn’t give a toss where I went and others who didn’t like the idea of missing out on fun (and we had limited funds) so we sort of had an unwritten rule that we wouldn’t do foreign holidays without each other.

So I definitely think it does depend on how your relationship has worked until now - If it’s a total departure then understandable it might take a bit of communication to ensure you’re both comfortable with the change but he is being totally dramatic to suggest he’d dump you over it, without so much as a discussion beforehand.

Only you know if his reaction is just shock reaction to a change in dynamics and being a bit of a dick OR if he is actually quite controlling and insecure and wants to dictate what you can and can’t do.