To want to go to Ibiza with friends for my big birthday

[morekidsthanhands1]

I’m reaching a big birthday next year. I’ve never been to Ibiza and always wanted to go. I wouldn’t prob go to any of the big clubs, more the daytime stuff and smaller beach clubs. I don’t really know much about where etc but I’d like more of a happy dance vibe nothing too hardcore. I love love love dancing and music. It’s my happy place. I’m always going to music gigs and I’m always dancing at home. Anyway I said to my close group of girlfriends (we used to do a weekend away once a year pre covid but haven’t since) about going to maybe a festival next year. But then I looked at the prices at its stratospheric for some! One of my friends said It’d be cheaper to go to Ibiza than a festival and that got the chat going with everyone agreeing and lots saying they’d love to go and never been.
my DP is def not the clubbing/dancing type and we are planning a separate holiday just us two as his treat to me. I’m not doing anything else for my bday really. Generally I don’t celebrate beyond a family meal out but this is a big one, so why not??
anyway when mentioned to DP re the maybe just maybe idea of Ibiza he flips out and says if I go I’m coming back single. It’s ridiculous to even think of going, at my age! Only reason people go is for sex and drugs. Totally slammed it and then said he was disappointed I wasn’t planning my bday with him. I have a very close group of friends and we’ve been mates for over 17 yrs and been thru lots together, they mean alot to me. But of course I would be doing something with DP and also my kids too. Now I just feel selfish wanting to do something with friends. The chat in the group is now all about Ibiza, it seems lots want to go, my bday is just an excuse, but now I can’t go as I don’t want a fight or atmosphere about it with DP
i don’t think this is one I can reason with him either.
am I being ridiculously selfish and immature going to Ibiza at my age? I’m turning 50 by the way

anyway when mentioned to DP re the maybe just maybe idea of Ibiza he flips out and says if I go I’m coming back single

You're turning 50. That's years enough to know that this ^^ is bullshit.

Tell him to fuck off. Go and do your partying. Don't try to compromise - he's already treated you with very little respect.

You're an adult. Don't waste time pandering to someone who thinks they get to to control what you do.

And given his reaction I prob won’t go to keep the peace
I’ll talk to him again and see if I can reassure him

OP, look at your words. You want to go and dance, listen to music, be with your friends.

You're trying to get permission from this man to do so. You don't need anybody's permission to do that. You have free will - use it.

Don't cut yourself down to meet his height.

Your partner is an arsehole. A nasty arsehole.

GO to Ibiza and have a fantastic time! Any man who threatens to dump you over a holiday is not worth missing out on an amazing trip with friends.

@morekidsthanhands1 putting aside for a moment that this is your trip, you decide whether you go and he is being a jealous, possessive dick, there is a wider concern here.

Today it's your holiday with your friends, then it could be other trips, nights out, parties. Then he starts telling you that dress looks slutty and blokes will be looking at you or you're too old to wear that and on and on it goes.

You need to address this now and I know you don't want an argument and want to keep the peace but you can't because the controlling stuff is out of the box now.

So, your choices are:
Carry on as you are, probably whilst your world gets smaller and entirely revolves around this controlling man child.

Tell him clearly you will not be told what you can and can't do and he needs to accept that. You go on the holiday and see what happens.

End it now before you're stuck in a situation it's harder to get out of.

I know which option I'd choose.

Talk to him again and find our the actual issue. For instance how old are the kids? How long will you be going for? Are your kids young enough to need childcare and are you assuming that he will take a week or a few days off work to look after them. Appreciate this totally doesn't apply if they are older.

OP update has already said the girls holiday is not on her actual birthday so he's got no excuse for being such an arse.

I know she's told us that but that was the reason he gave her (after changing it from the ridiculous sec/drugs thing realising he'd gone too far) and it seems OP hasn't spoken to him about it since so making that clear will shut down excuse number 2. I mean I'm with a lot of the ltb crew as it Sondra like there are other issues similar from previous threads but it doesn't sound like OP wants to do that

OP honestly is that what you want for the rest of your life? I am struggling to understand why you are so prepared to waste your one and only life on such an inadequate controlling man. You don't need him for anything, you're financially independent, why are you putting up with this? Every post of yours is about trying to placate him and "reassure" him. Why don't you reassure yourself that you will go on the holiday, bin the useless man and work on yourself?

How is this helpful? If you had actually read the thread you would see that a) the kids aren't his and b) OPs ex is going to have them so no, she doesn't need to talk to the pathetic prick and "find out his issue". His issue is that he is controlling and OP is pandering to it, for whatever reason.

So you admit you've got yourself into another controlling relationship? Definitely go to Ibiza, but also get rid of your 'd'p. Explaining and trying to get him to admit he's being unreasonable clearly isn't going to work. It's worrying that you feel so nervous even to bring it up with him.

I’m 50 next year and going with friends… dh isn’t coming. It’s fine. Sorry but to be walking on eggshells about this is a red flag imo, he doesn’t get to tell you what to do/sulk when he doesn’t get his own way. You’ve had your friends longer than him as well so personally I’d be going

I must attract these types! I will talk to him and hopefully he will see he’s being unreasonable.

He won't @morekidsthanhands1, because he's a controlling arse and I'm sorry to agree with you that those types of men can indeed identify women who will put up with this behaviour.

Please dump him, go to Ibiza with your friends for your birthday, have a lovely time and then come home and do The Freedom Programme. It's available free, online. You will never do yourself a bigger favour than those three things. The Freedom Programme

Ah but you would describe them as ‘cool wives’ and ‘bleaters’ though. Interesting. 🤔

It’s ridiculous to even think of going, at my age! Only reason people go is for sex and drugs.

Your DP seems to be confusing a group of women celebrating a 'big' birthday in Ibiza with a bunch of 20-year-old boys going on a lads' holiday to Magaluf.

I think people are a bit clueless about Ibiza. Yes, obviously it's famous for clubs, but it's also full of things like yoga retreats and has a very relaxed, wealthy-boho kind of vibe and some absolutely beautiful, quiet places with lovely bars, great restaurants. I know people my age (I'm 46) who are absolutely not into shagging around, drugs or even getting drunk, but who love Ibiza. Some of them might go to some clubs because they love the music and the dancing but they're not going to foam parties and doing jagerbombs!

My Facebook feed is currently full of pictures of my friend and her 13-year-old daughter on holiday there, no clubbing for obvious reasons but they're both looking very serene in floaty dresses, swimming at quiet beaches and going to gorgeous little cafes; I'm incredibly envious.

With regards your DH, he's being a twat if he thinks you'll just shag around, either in Ibiza or anywhere for that matter...he must have trust issues that HE needs to sort out, not you!!

As for Ibiza, if you go I would recommend Ocean Beach, or O Beach (as it's called) in San Antonio.....buy your tickets in the UK before you go, it's about £20ish a ticket and get there early to get a good spot, as the 'cheap seats' go quickly.....if you can afford a bed, then get a bed...but these cost several hundred quid, but apparently you get a lot of it back in alcohol (so I have heard). It's a great day out, the music is amazing and it's in central San An so easy to get to other stuff. The other advantage with San An is that you are close to other clubs (Es Paradis) for example. Public transport is bad, and taxis can work out expensive. The other place to stay is Playa d'en Bossa....this is close to Ibiza Rocks (similar to O Beach), Ushuaia and Hi Ibiza....it's also got bora bora beach (beautiful) and is close to the airport and Ibiza town, which comes highly recommended as it's a world heritage site.

Go to Ibiza...once you go you will want to go back!!!!

gawd this thread is so depressing to read ! OP please leave this horrible man and don't waste the next 50 years of your life with people like this guy

it's just so awful to think you might waste your life missing out on things you wish you did because of a jealous controlling boyfriend UGH

I'd take him up on his offer to come back single.

He's told you you aren't allowed to go there on holiday because you'll get high or drunk and fick around.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought so little of me.

I hope you let him know that with an attitude like that you’ll be going out there single! Not waiting until you return.

Again, if you read the OP's posts, you'll see she said her EX would have their kids. They are not his kids.

Have you had chance to put across how you feel (that this is your choice to celebrate your big birthday year, it makes you happy)? You sounded fearful to have a conversation & express your views.
Did he make you feel bad again? Threaten to end it unless you succumbed to his views?
Did he suggest you need to please him? That what you want to do has to conform to his level of permission?

Just take in all this information when you talk about it. No need to argue. Just take a bit of time, alone, to process what is being put to you & consider whether his reaction is unreasonable, if it's coercive, if if it's dismissive of his partners happy plans & if it accuses you of things not in your character. Then just have a think on whether that's how you want to live.

(Sincerely, I hope you were able to talk it through, him accept he was a dumbo & was reacting in a childish way & of course you can plan a brief trip with friends during your big birthday year)

If not, Maybe a big birthday is a time to prepare to clear the dead wood.

From your last message you seem to have realised he's controlling, so I'm assuming the Ibiza thing isn't the only issue...

Sounds like an ex I had who hated the idea of separate holidays, it wasn't the "done thing", so he made me pay for him to come as well on a week long livaboard diving trip (he doesn't dive...), where he spent the entire time in the room being grumpy. Should have dumped him then but it took quite a while longer!

Go to Ibiza, enjoy it! Hopefully you can chat to him and he'll realise he's being an idiot. But if not, book it anyway, you're better off without him!