To want to go to Ibiza with friends for my big birthday

[morekidsthanhands1]

I’m reaching a big birthday next year. I’ve never been to Ibiza and always wanted to go. I wouldn’t prob go to any of the big clubs, more the daytime stuff and smaller beach clubs. I don’t really know much about where etc but I’d like more of a happy dance vibe nothing too hardcore. I love love love dancing and music. It’s my happy place. I’m always going to music gigs and I’m always dancing at home. Anyway I said to my close group of girlfriends (we used to do a weekend away once a year pre covid but haven’t since) about going to maybe a festival next year. But then I looked at the prices at its stratospheric for some! One of my friends said It’d be cheaper to go to Ibiza than a festival and that got the chat going with everyone agreeing and lots saying they’d love to go and never been.
my DP is def not the clubbing/dancing type and we are planning a separate holiday just us two as his treat to me. I’m not doing anything else for my bday really. Generally I don’t celebrate beyond a family meal out but this is a big one, so why not??
anyway when mentioned to DP re the maybe just maybe idea of Ibiza he flips out and says if I go I’m coming back single. It’s ridiculous to even think of going, at my age! Only reason people go is for sex and drugs. Totally slammed it and then said he was disappointed I wasn’t planning my bday with him. I have a very close group of friends and we’ve been mates for over 17 yrs and been thru lots together, they mean alot to me. But of course I would be doing something with DP and also my kids too. Now I just feel selfish wanting to do something with friends. The chat in the group is now all about Ibiza, it seems lots want to go, my bday is just an excuse, but now I can’t go as I don’t want a fight or atmosphere about it with DP
i don’t think this is one I can reason with him either.
am I being ridiculously selfish and immature going to Ibiza at my age? I’m turning 50 by the way

They really wouldn’t under the context that the OP has given!

Maybe there is a backstory which might explain her DPs reaction…but even if there is it is unfair of him to take his insecurities out on her by dishing out threats. Manchild.

He is not being reasonable.

Would your friends actually have the time/money to go? That seems the more pertinent question, as a row with your partner might be for nothing if they don't.

Dump your immature, controlling, ageist partner and have a marvellous time in Ibiza with your friends.

He’s jealous of your friends. From your other thread, he’s jealous of your kids. He thinks so little of you he’s accusing you of going there for drugs and casual sex. Do you really want this man telling you what to do?
You’re saying you can’t go because it will provoke a fight or atmosphere (i.e. you know he’ll sulk) and you can’t reason with him. This is no way to live! You’re an adult planning to do something that plenty of other adults do. You don’t need to reason with him, you don’t need to negotiate with him over what YOU do on YOUR birthday with YOUR friends.
I really hope you don’t give into him. How dare he.

I’ve not booked it. It’s just a discussion right now. And given his reaction I prob won’t go to keep the peace. And no I have given absolutely no cause ever to doubt my fidelity.

I would speak to him about his insecurites .Surely he doesnt think you are going to hop into bed with a Random Stranger? TBH I would go and enjoy yourself .He is being unreasonable here.

And given his reaction I prob won’t go to keep the peace - well that's a slippery slope OP

You must know that he is the one being unreasonable. I often holiday separately from DH, he goes golfing with pals (I have zero interest in golf) and I go and chill in the sun with pals (he's got little interest in that) We also holiday together. We're your age and have been together 26 years. There's never been an issue with us having our own time with pals etc. and that's as it should be.

Please don't give up your dream hol just to appease him.

@morekidsthanhands1 then go to Ibiza, and dump him when you get back. Happy Birthday to you! You deserve better, you know it, everyone on this thread knows it, I’m willing to bet your friends know it, and I reckon he knows it too. It’s your Life- live it! no prizes for keeping the peace sadly💐

Tell him to let you know by booking if he's coming or not and ignore him.

Fuck keeping the peace. You don't threaten with ending a relationship for anything. It makes me wonder just how often you've agreed to 'keep the peace'

Ibiza isn’t just about shagging and drugs. It’s a beautiful island with quiet spots aswell as the party scene. He’s being jealous and unreasonable. It’s your life, you choose what you want to do.

If you do go, I recommend getting the ferry to Formentera for a day out.

Maybe there is a backstory which might explain her DPs reaction…but even if there is it is unfair of him to take his insecurities out on her by dishing out threats. Manchild
It doesn't have to be about insecurities. If my OH came home one day and said after we'd discussed going away for his 50th birthday that he would be going with his mates away to Ibiza to dance the night away rather than wanting to spend the day with me and the kids, I would just be very disappointed.

Nothing to do with insecurities, just disappointed.

If he said he'd wanted to go a week after or before, I'd tell him good on him, which he does every year anyway, but would never do so on any of our birthdays.

The only thing that would make it unreasonable for me would be if you were in Ibiza wit your girlfriends on your actual birthday. But, if I'm reading it right, that is NOT the plan? It's more like a girls few days away, with your 50th as an excuse to justify it?

There is this really weird issue with Ibiza and men thinking that their wives are all going to shagging and drug taking the whole weekend. It amazes me. A bunch of 40-50 year old women, sans children in a luxury villa in Ibiza.... I think a man of any sort, even just for sex, is the LAST thing they'd want. It's the chilled out vibes, generally collaborative approach to managing things and a few nights of dancing with no restraints that appeals.

If my spouse wanted to spend his milestone birthday without me I would be offended and disappointed. However his threats are not on

@morekidsthanhands1 so sorry, just realised this is crazy advice I gave you!

Obviously you should dump him before Ibiza, as PPs have said it’s a beautiful island and it’s not all about drugs and shagging but best not to waste any golden opportunities which may arise.

He has literally offered you your freedom on a silver plate here, helpfully he has also provided you with all the reasons you should take it, grab it with both hands, this may be the best gift you get.

He has literally offered you your freedom on a silver plate here, helpfully he has also provided you with all the reasons you should take it, grab it with both hands, this may be the best gift you get.

This may be a shock but not every AIBU author relishes the prospect of breaking up with their partner, espeically when they share kids, knowing all the hassle that entails, and they're not asking for permission to do that.

I’ve always told him I’d like to go but he’s always scoffed it and he would def hate going as he doesn’t like clubs or dancing and would just be waiting on me to go home. I wouldn’t expect him to go to something he’s not into anymore than he would expect me to go to a car meet for the weekend. I’ve been away with this group of GF while we’ve been together but that was sporty weekends away, we did like a cycling trip and he was ok with that but it was early in our relationship.
I wouldn’t go on my actual birthday but prob lower season to keep cost down and my ex would have the kids. Its my money, I’m the higher earner and pay the bills etc myself. I think the issue is his jealousy and he thinks I’m going because I want attention. It’s so not true and makes me feel sad. I actually just love music and dancing and I love my group of girlfriends, we’ve had the best funniest laughs together. I didn’t even suggest Ibiza, I suggested a festival but then looked at the prices and said forget it we will just do dinner somewhere instead. It was another friend that brought up Ibiza and we’ve talked about going on and off over the years just never done it. Anyway…. It might all just prove too much of a bloody headache now to go.

Seriously OP make a stand. He has an easy life with you. He's not going to give it up.

If you allow him to control you on this, you'll end up resenting him anyway.

@SleeplessInEngland No I’m not shocked, I know most people posting aren’t looking for permission, but quite a lot of people posting on here have a fair idea of the sort of response they’ll get- and that’s precisely why they post, they want encouragement to do what they need to do. I know this because quite a lot of them say it in their threads eventually.

OP doesn’t seem to share children with this partner, she earns more than him so it sounds like she wouldn’t be financially too vulnerable if they split. He sounds truly awful and controlling, and at best a little dull and from what someone else has posted on here it sounds like it’s not a one off- he’s acted controlling before. While by contrast, OP sounds fun, and like she wants to have fun, So I 100% stand over my advice. Thanks for your input on my input though- lots to think about.

If you’re really going to give in to his tantrum that’s really sad. It won’t be the last time he manoeuvres you into bending to his will. What was the point of the AIBU? Overwhelmingly people said yanbu.

You are turning 50 and still being treated like a child?
Fuck that.

If you want to go to Ibiza or anywhere else and you can afford it - then go.

No partner whether male or female should be telling you what you can and can’t do.

Tell him you are going and that he either accepts it or starts finding somewhere else to live.

YA absolutely NBU

In a relationship, including with kids, both parties should equally be able to have some time off/ away/ to themselves. A few days away with friends for a bit birthday is not out of the ordinary.

Id be taking steps to end the relationship now tbh. I bet this isn’t the only way in which he’s controlling, or at the very least uncaring.

Just read they’re not even his kids/ he isn’t even being asked to look after them! A definite “goodbye” to him then

I wouldn’t go on my actual birthday but prob lower season to keep cost down and my ex would have the kids
Does he know that? If so, then yes, totally unacceptable. You should be able to go away without him doing what you like. Enjoy!

What an absolute prick. Tell him that you most definitely will be returning from Ibiza single because you’ll be going there single as well.