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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I reading too much into this comment by DS?

133 replies

BenjiLove · 09/08/2022 11:21

DS is three. He is potty trained & has been dry for months, but recently has started peeing on stuff. I think it's probably for attention (isn't most stuff to do with toddlers?) and he does it when I'm tending to the baby. Working out what to do about it is another thread I guess.

Anyway - it's really winding DH up. He gets so mad. Today DS did it in our bed. DS just started peeing all over our pillows.

DH went mad. DS cried. DH went out the bedroom. DS followed him and said

"Sorry Daddy peeing on bed. Don't be sad. Mummy will tidy it up".

I don't know why but it's pushed me over the edge. I do tidy it up all the time. But I just think GOD - what am I doing?? What am I showing DS?

I said to DH "Don't you think it's worrying. DS knows that daddy gets angry and mummy tidies everything up. That isn't healthy role modelling etc"

DH says I'm being OTT and kids just say stuff.

AIBU to think this comment by DS means something and that we are giving him unhealthy images of women and men and their roles? Or am I being OTT?

OP posts:
Keladrythesaviour · 09/08/2022 11:24

I think it's time he started helping you clear it up. He's three and needs to learn his actions have consequences and mommy won't just sort it out for him!

addler · 09/08/2022 11:24

Sounds like it's time DS should be the one tidying it up. Don't get mad, don't react at all except to tell him how to clean it and give him any materials he needs.

Topgub · 09/08/2022 11:25

Yanbu

I hope you made both of them clean it up

redbigbananafeet · 09/08/2022 11:26

Keladrythesaviour · 09/08/2022 11:24

I think it's time he started helping you clear it up. He's three and needs to learn his actions have consequences and mommy won't just sort it out for him!

You mean starts helping DH clean it up? I suggest OP has nothing to do with this for the foreseeable future.

Billybagpuss · 09/08/2022 11:29

I completely agree with you and ds should be involved in the cleanup process. He can take the pillow cases off and put them in the washing machine. He can help peg them out, he can have a conversation about why it’s not mummy’s job to do this and DH should be the one ‘helping’ ds to do it not you.

Beamur · 09/08/2022 11:32

DH and DS clean this up.
I think one way to deflect this behaviour - especially if Daddy's approval is affected, is for Daddy to be annoyed and for him to clean up and for DS to have privileges withdrawn while that's happening.
You need carrot and stick with this one! Carrots would be giving DS lots of attention for good behaviour and 1:1 time but I would also be pretty annoyed by jealous peeing! Either DS helps or he has to sit on the step or in his room while clean up happens. Remember for kids, even negative attention, i.e. being told off is better than no attention.

Hellocatshome · 09/08/2022 11:34

I think you have 2 issues here

  1. Your DH needs to help more around the home.

  2. Your DS needs to clean up his own mess including when he wees on things.

Mardyface · 09/08/2022 11:40

Everyone is right - and I'd also add that DS is doing it to get attention from YOU. He wants YOU to spend your time cleaning up his wee as a form of attention, not DH.

That's how I would be telling DH that he has to help DS clear up, because the wee trick will stop getting your attention. As others say, this attention can come at other unconnected times.

Original poster
BenjiLove · 09/08/2022 12:02

Thanks for the advice. Yes, I will try to get DS to tidy it up. That's a good idea. I try to get him to tidy his toys etc and when he drops food, but hadn't though about getting him to clean up his own pee! maybe because he wouldn't be any good at it but it's good for him. Problem is that will lead to a tantrum and tears etc, and it's hard when I've got the baby in my arms.

He is doing it for attention. I just don't know how to prevent it, as of course when he starts weeing over our pillows it gets my attention. I have tried ignoring him but then I'm just going about my daily business while a small child pissses all over the floor/plants/toys.

I do know that DH a) getting angry and b) not tidying it up is really unhelpful.

I was just depressed to hear "mummy will tidy it up" from DS. All the men and boys in my life (brothers, friends, dad) seem to hvae women in their life that run around tidying up after them and now I do the same for my son.

OP posts:
Topgub · 09/08/2022 12:04

@BenjiLove

So stop doing it.

Tell dh to do it.

mumofbun · 09/08/2022 12:21

I think children this age only really say things they've been taught. So he's heard often that mum will clean up. My son whenever he sees something broken says "man will fix it" i don't think he's inherently sexist it's just what he's heard (from my MIL). I agree with others that you should try getting him to help clean it "we will clean it" but i wouldn't take it personally just work to change it.

Mrsjayy · 09/08/2022 12:27

Say son you didn't pee in the toilet here is a cloth and some paper towels clean it up, your husband needs to parent his child walking away because he's angry really isn't on is it ? Your son is reacting to what happens, you both should try and have 1 to 1 time with your 3 year old it might stop the attention seeking,

Dragmedown · 09/08/2022 12:31

YANBU. I would be correcting him every time and making it clear that mummy OR daddy (or DS) will clean up. Start sharing things like “this family is a team”, “we all help out”….make it totally normal that men and women do the same jobs around the house. It may be for this brief period (mat leave or whatever) you are seen to be doing more but that shouldn’t stop you reinforcing what the ongoing family norm will be.

Triffid1 · 09/08/2022 12:34

You have a bigger picture DH problem if the attitude is that you do everything.

In the case of purposeful peeing - if he's purposefully doing it, he's old enough to know that's not acceptable. So you or your DH need to make that clear and there MUST be consequences immediately. Your DH's anger, while over the top, is not entirely unreasonable.

Doingmybest12 · 09/08/2022 12:44

For me the worry is your child saw your husband angry and needed to placate him and that your husband is getting so mad with a 3 year old. It is not OTT to try and change this.

takealettermsjones · 09/08/2022 12:51

Your husband is out of order for getting so angry with a three year old. I don't think he needs punishments here. If he's doing it for attention can you give him more attention? Look up biglittlefeelings on Instagram, specifically the ten minute miracle.

Original poster
BenjiLove · 09/08/2022 13:31

@takealettermsjones I agree with you. Just looked them up on the Instagram but couldn't see the 10 minute miracle thing but will keep looking.

The problem with all the gentle parenting stuff is - I get it - that it's about attention, big emotions, loss of control, and it's NOT naughty, but the tactics of stay calm, talk to them gently, etc never seem to work. I am trying to be calm and understanding and my child is just pissing over any surface he can find. And no amount of staying calm is helping. Though I admit that DH getting angry doesn't have any impact either. Nothing works. DS just does what he wants. DH does what he wants. And I run around after both of them like an idiot.

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 09/08/2022 13:36

Doingmybest12 · 09/08/2022 12:44

For me the worry is your child saw your husband angry and needed to placate him and that your husband is getting so mad with a 3 year old. It is not OTT to try and change this.

Is it unreasonable to be angry when your child wees on your pillows? I think I would be.

Topgub · 09/08/2022 13:37

@BenjiLove

Why are you running around after both of them?

Stop doing it!

takealettermsjones · 09/08/2022 13:39

10 min miracle is discussed about half way down the page of link above ^

Triffid1 · 09/08/2022 13:40

BenjiLove · 09/08/2022 13:31

@takealettermsjones I agree with you. Just looked them up on the Instagram but couldn't see the 10 minute miracle thing but will keep looking.

The problem with all the gentle parenting stuff is - I get it - that it's about attention, big emotions, loss of control, and it's NOT naughty, but the tactics of stay calm, talk to them gently, etc never seem to work. I am trying to be calm and understanding and my child is just pissing over any surface he can find. And no amount of staying calm is helping. Though I admit that DH getting angry doesn't have any impact either. Nothing works. DS just does what he wants. DH does what he wants. And I run around after both of them like an idiot.

I don't agree with this. If you think it's a cry for attention, then sure, go ahead and give him more attention at other times in an attempt to solve the underlying problem. But I don't think showering him with love and attention while he's doing it is going to help as it just reinforces the behaviour. And ignoring him clearly isn't helping either.

Meanwhile, you are running around trying to placate your DH as well which means he get to behave as badly as he likes, do as much or as little as he likes but you can't complain because then it means you're the baddie who is "nagging" or "shouting" or whatever it is.

Mrsjayy · 09/08/2022 13:40

MarshaMelrose · 09/08/2022 13:36

Is it unreasonable to be angry when your child wees on your pillows? I think I would be.

Show quote history

Well no, but storming off and not dealing with it really isn't the best is it ?

takealettermsjones · 09/08/2022 13:41

I don't agree with this. If you think it's a cry for attention, then sure, go ahead and give him more attention at other times in an attempt to solve the underlying problem. But I don't think showering him with love and attention while he's doing it is going to help as it just reinforces the behaviour.

To clarify, I meant the former 😆

Prunel · 09/08/2022 13:42

Hes 3
he knows not to pee on someone else’s pillow.
make him tidy it up himself
it’s still gentle parenting
When we pee in places that aren’t the toilet we have to clean it up.