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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I reading too much into this comment by DS?

133 replies

BenjiLove · 09/08/2022 11:21

DS is three. He is potty trained & has been dry for months, but recently has started peeing on stuff. I think it's probably for attention (isn't most stuff to do with toddlers?) and he does it when I'm tending to the baby. Working out what to do about it is another thread I guess.

Anyway - it's really winding DH up. He gets so mad. Today DS did it in our bed. DS just started peeing all over our pillows.

DH went mad. DS cried. DH went out the bedroom. DS followed him and said

"Sorry Daddy peeing on bed. Don't be sad. Mummy will tidy it up".

I don't know why but it's pushed me over the edge. I do tidy it up all the time. But I just think GOD - what am I doing?? What am I showing DS?

I said to DH "Don't you think it's worrying. DS knows that daddy gets angry and mummy tidies everything up. That isn't healthy role modelling etc"

DH says I'm being OTT and kids just say stuff.

AIBU to think this comment by DS means something and that we are giving him unhealthy images of women and men and their roles? Or am I being OTT?

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/08/2022 13:44

Put the wet pillow on his bed and ask him how he likes it.

AlexandriasWindmill · 09/08/2022 13:44

I don't think this is a DH problem - which is probably the first time I've ever posted that on here 😀You're cleaning up after DS when DS should be helping you. I'm guessing DH isn't at home during the day and you are. It's not like you can leave the urine till he comes home so DS is going to see you cleaning it unless you get DS to help you.
I also don't think it's odd that your DH was annoyed that DS wet the pillows. I doubt most adults would be happy with that.

Msmbc · 09/08/2022 13:50

Getting angry with him is really not on and your DH needs to read some books about toddler brains/development/behaviour. He's 3 - of course he knows he shouldn't pee on pillows but that doesn't mean he can stop himself - his brain hasn't developed impulse controls yet. He needs you to help him. You need to keep being firm with your boundaries (but in a respectful kind way not an angry way) in terms of the peeing but then really work on addressing the feelings that are causing the peeing. His whole world and identity has changed if you've got another baby. Really recommend reading and listening to janet lansbury.
And yes absolutely get your dh to do tidying up, modelling is very important

Topgub · 09/08/2022 13:52

Laughing at the idea that it's mot ok to be angry at a 3 yo pissing where ever they like

Gentle parenting has resulted in this behaviour

Time for a different approach

girlmom21 · 09/08/2022 13:57

Yeah I'd be pissed off if they're both automatically assuming you'll clean it up!

NuffSaidSam · 09/08/2022 14:01

With regards to the weeing for attention. I would try and preempt it with lots of attention on toilet trips. Take him to the toilet regularly, go with him, chat to him, read a book, play eye spy, put some Cheerios in the toilet for him to aim at and cheer when he gets them etc. The more wee he gets in the toilet, the less he'll have to spread round the house, so you should see immediate improvement. Plus this gives him the attention he obviously needs.

When he wees not in the toilet. Give him the stuff to clear up and walk away. No attention at all. No shouting or being angry.

Your DH shouldn't be getting so angry with a 3 year old and should be cleaning up and not leaving it all to you. But you know that already.

MarshaMelrose · 09/08/2022 14:05

Mrsjayy · 09/08/2022 13:40

Well no, but storming off and not dealing with it really isn't the best is it ?

Show quote history

Maybe he removed himself from the situation so he didn't show how angry he was. The count to ten approach.

FOJN · 09/08/2022 14:12

"Sorry Daddy peeing on bed. Don't be sad. Mummy will tidy it up".

Right then and there I would have said no daddy is going to tidy it up.

It might seem like just one of those things children say but your son is only reflecting what he's observed and it sounds like its been a bit of a wake up call for you about how much work you do.

ouch321 · 09/08/2022 14:12

Yeesh that's vile.

Has it gone through to the mattress cos those are v costly to replace.

I'd be super pissed off and wouldn't let the child into the bedroom again.

LilacSky95 · 09/08/2022 14:14

My 3 year old started wetting herself again after being dry for 10 months! It only lasted a few weeks, and i never made a huge deal of it. Just went back to being rewarded for using the toilet etc. She's back to being fully dry again now. I wouldn't worry about it too much, it is most likely due to feeling he cant Express around the new baby etc.

However, you are right about his comment being a bit worrying

Original poster
BenjiLove · 09/08/2022 14:15

@AlexandriasWindmill You're cleaning up after DS when DS should be helping you. I'm guessing DH isn't at home during the day and you are. It's not like you can leave the urine till he comes home so DS is going to see you cleaning it unless you get DS to help you

Nope. I work full time (though often from home), DH works part time. DH is currently off work entirely. This incident happened at 7am so we were both home.

OP posts:
Original poster
BenjiLove · 09/08/2022 14:19

ouch321 · 09/08/2022 14:12

Yeesh that's vile.

Has it gone through to the mattress cos those are v costly to replace.

I'd be super pissed off and wouldn't let the child into the bedroom again.

Are you joking? Replace a mattress because some toddler pee got on it?

As a mum of a three year old and a baby, I've seen a lot more 'vile' stuff than that. It's v. annoying and frustrating given that toddler has been dry, but I think vile is a bit strong.

OP posts:
Original poster
BenjiLove · 09/08/2022 14:21

@FOJN Exactly. I always have felt it is me that is doing the tidying/cleaning up after the kids (despite me being the 'worker' in the house), but DH tells me he does his fair bit I just don't notice it. But when DS said that this morning, I thought - NO, i'm bloody right, i do do more tidying and cleaning and DS think it's my job.

OP posts:
OneTonNoodles · 09/08/2022 14:21

BenjiLove · 09/08/2022 14:15

@AlexandriasWindmill You're cleaning up after DS when DS should be helping you. I'm guessing DH isn't at home during the day and you are. It's not like you can leave the urine till he comes home so DS is going to see you cleaning it unless you get DS to help you

Nope. I work full time (though often from home), DH works part time. DH is currently off work entirely. This incident happened at 7am so we were both home.

Who cleaned the bed?

Original poster
BenjiLove · 09/08/2022 14:25

@OneTonNoodles Me.

OP posts:
Franca123 · 09/08/2022 14:27

If the gentle approach hasn't worked, give him a firm telling off. In our house that would be 3 mins on the naughty step. I get my son to help with the tidy up of this type of thing as it illustrates the consequences and the reasons therefore that we don't pee wherever we fancy. I probably wouldn't read too much into what he said. They say totally random things. Unless you think he's heard other people say it? Apart from all this and seemingly unrelated, are you able to spend a good chunk of 1 on 1 time your son? That might help calm him down if he's feeling left out. Take him out for pancakes as a surprise. Or go swimming Saturday morning together.

Quartz2208 · 09/08/2022 14:28

Are you the only one who works?

Topgub · 09/08/2022 14:29

@BenjiLove

Why did you clean the bed?!

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2022 14:37

I don't think YABU to be mindful of that sort of thing, it's important that he sees both parents sharing the load and doesn't grow up to think it's just the woman's job.

If it's angering your DH so much, why don't you suggest HE gets DS to help him clear it up? Surely he would be pleased at the thought of the behaviour being tackled more firmly, and he can do it himself?

Original poster
BenjiLove · 09/08/2022 14:38

@Topgub Because DH had stormed downstairs and I could have gone downstairs to then ask him to sort out the bed - but it would just made everything worse and I just needed to get to work. It's quicker to just sort stuff myself. I realise this isn't healthy dynamics.

Also BTW - when I say baby, DS2 is 12 months old so I'm not on mat leave and not a new baby .

OP posts:
sobeyondthehills · 09/08/2022 14:38

I was going to say it depends what jobs are divided, if DS wet his bed, I dealt with it, DP dealt with first aid (proper first aid not cuts and bruises) and sick, but reading your updates, you need to figure out what your DP is doing in the house if he is not working

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2022 14:40

What does your DH while you're cleaning up with a baby in your arms?

Why doesn't your DH show DS how to clean up his own piss?

Topgub · 09/08/2022 14:48

@BenjiLove

Then I guess you know the answer as to why both your children (dh and ds) see things as your job.

You've told them it is.

TommySaid · 09/08/2022 14:49

YABU I don’t think DS said that as he sees you as the cleaner I think he was trying to calm his dad down - which is even worse.

The person who works PT should do the majority of the housework and childcare.

You were both off and so it’s fine that you cleaned it up but you need to work out how much cleaning you are both doing as it sounds very unfair at the minute.

Goldbar · 09/08/2022 14:50

If your DH is working part-time, sounds like he needs to be doing much more of the house stuff and your DS should see him doing it. It sounds like your DH is using moods and anger to prevent you asking him to step up and do his share.

That said, I don't think it's the end of the world to be angry with a 3yo peeing everywhere on purpose. I would have been cross with my DC for doing that and, at the very least, would have talked sharply to them and made them clean up. Accidents are another matter (my DC once weed their pants very unexpectedly at the dinner table and was very shocked so clearly no fuss was made about that).