Am I reading too much into this comment by DS?

[BenjiLove]

DS is three. He is potty trained & has been dry for months, but recently has started peeing on stuff. I think it's probably for attention (isn't most stuff to do with toddlers?) and he does it when I'm tending to the baby. Working out what to do about it is another thread I guess.

Anyway - it's really winding DH up. He gets so mad. Today DS did it in our bed. DS just started peeing all over our pillows.

DH went mad. DS cried. DH went out the bedroom. DS followed him and said

"Sorry Daddy peeing on bed. Don't be sad. Mummy will tidy it up".

I don't know why but it's pushed me over the edge. I do tidy it up all the time. But I just think GOD - what am I doing?? What am I showing DS?

I said to DH "Don't you think it's worrying. DS knows that daddy gets angry and mummy tidies everything up. That isn't healthy role modelling etc"

DH says I'm being OTT and kids just say stuff.

AIBU to think this comment by DS means something and that we are giving him unhealthy images of women and men and their roles? Or am I being OTT?

Are you not more concerned that your husband goes mad at a three year old?

A child shouldn’t be rewarded for just behaving normally (ie not pissing on pillows for attention)

Remove things if he misbehaves instead (toys, tv time, favourite snacks, his pillow etc)

for anyone failing to understand why DH is not tidying up - its because he is a twat

I was reading through the thread planning to ask whether your DS has a point (because you do tidy everything up) and my question has been well answered.

Sounds like you have two problems- a pissing DS and DH who is taking the piss. Agree with PP that it’s reasonable to be angry about deliberately weeing on the bed (and if you’re right that DS is doing it for attention, he knows it’s naughty).

Bigger issue is your DH. Why isn’t he doing more, especially if you work longer hours? (I know- because he’s a twat- but have you ask d him to do more? What does he say?)

She said he was 'gets so mad' and he 'went mad' . How is that helping the situation ?

Agreed. Being cross and expressing it (in a controlled way) is different from losing it completely.

I wouldn't parent particularly "gently" on this one. I wouldn't get angry and shout either but I don't think you need to worry about DS knowing that you're cross and unhappy with him. If you rarely get cross with him, it will have more effect.

I agree with making him clean it up (or at least help you in doing so). I think if you make peeing in random places result in a lot of boring cleaning up for him, it might have an effect. So in your shoes, I would make your DS wipe it up, carry everything to the washing-machine and put it in and help to scrub carpets etc if necessary. Then upstairs to change if necessary and wash hands thoroughly. Obviously, you'll have to do most of it yourself alongside him, but hopefully having 5-10 minutes of boring chores after each time he does it will make him think twice. And I'd just be clear with him..."Mummy is not cleaning up the mess because Mummy didn't make the mess. You made the mess, so you will clean it up. We don't make mess and leave it for other people to clean up".

As for your "D"H... well I can think of several approaches you might want to take and "gentle" doesn't describe any of them!

When I say DH gets mad...what he does is storm around saying "DS's pissed all over the bed/sofa again. He just did it. He doesn't give a shit. It's getting worse" blah blah. I think he's mainly shouting for my benefit.

I will start getting DS to clean it up. DS had a tantrum today and pulled the books off the shelves...and I sat on the floor and made him put them all back....took ages but I did do it.

DS knows he's doing wrong. It's the quickest way to get me paying attention to him. But also sometimes I just think he can't be bothered to get up..like he's is watching a cartoon.

Know it’s a mn cliche, op but has DS ever been assessed for autism?

Your husband sounds like a dick, for what it’s worth.

Have you asked your DH why he feels the need to be so spectacularly useless? Does it just come naturally to him or has he developed it over the years as a task avoidance strategy?

Out of interest, does he also respond to issues at work in this way?

What evidence is that approach based on then? Does anyone on this thread have any base understanding of three year old?

When you say he's peed on the bed do you mean he's wet himself or that he's deliberately gone on the bed or Sofa?

FWIW DH and I would have reacted the same as your dh.

So your young DS is peeing to get your attention and your DH get runs around shouting and screaming and storms off. See where your DC gets it from. They both get what they want, your DH vents, storms and does zilch, and your DS gets your attention as you run around cleaning up after him. Your DH should be spending quality time with the 3yr old DS, you may find the need for him peeing reduces when he gets quality attention from his lazy dad, You have an opportunity to change this dynamic

So to try and be proactive I actually called the health visitor and she came round today @CarlCarlson @NetWithHoles and basically said that yes you should praise him for "behaving normally"...so when he's playing nicely or just being "normal" to heap praise on him and to give him lots of attention when he's being sweet and lots of positive attention to reduce chance of him feeling need to act up to get my attention...and then ignore all bad behaviour..and if he continues to do the wrong thing...to take stuff away or walk away from him. The thing with most impact is ignoring him...if I walk away from him he gets so upset.

A child shouldn’t be rewarded for just behaving normally (ie not pissing on pillows for attention)

Remove things if he misbehaves instead (toys, tv time, favourite snacks, his pillow etc)

Yeah, don't bother praising the behaviour you want to encourage, just take away everything he loves, his food, and his comfort. That'll make for a happy child.

Jesus H Christ

@Goldbar It's got worse over the years. The more I do the less he does. I know that. I need to make a stand. He does do some of it. He always puts the baby to bed and he cooks dinner. Those are his two things. I do ask him to do stuff...like he if I ask him to specifically do something he will roll his eyes but will do it...but I have to ask. He has said he will do more but never does. I work in a high pressure job with 2 DC under 4 and to be honest...its easier just to manage it all myself sometimes then ask him to clean the bathroom, get ignored, then he says he'll do it, then he doesn't, then I get annoyed and we bicker, then eventually maybe two weeks later he'll run a cloth over the sink. Just easier to do it myself one morning before work. It's pathetic. I did email a solicitor today but I can't imagine doing it.

I mean I'm not happy. DH has gone to bed already after another day of doing fuck all. Both kids were in childcare today and he was at home doing nothing. And I'm watching terrible TV drinking wine wishing my life was different.

How much does he contribute financially? Does he do childcare when he's not working (therefore saving you nursery fees)? Do you like having him around the place?

He's beginning to sound like a bit of an albatross around your neck. I'm not saying you should necessarily get rid yet, but a frank discussion of how much (or how little) he brings to the table might be in order.

Cross-posted. Would a "D"H free life make you happier?

@Goldbar yes.

But i cant choose a DH free life.

I'm choosing between living with DH vs having an angry bitter ex husband who spends all his time and money trying to get the DC off me and who will argue for anything and everything.

@Goldbar I have tried to talk to him. It doesn't really go in. He generally doesn't think he's in the wrong v much. I know if I left him he would suddenly say he can change but I don't know if he can.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position. But based on what you've said, I think you need to leave. I'd make that appointment with a solicitor. He sounds lazy and borderline abusive and you're living your life tiptoeing around him and doing everything to avoid another outburst. Better an angry, bitter ex that you have to see every now and again rather than an angry, bitter man living in the same house as you. Definitely get advice as to the position regarding your DC, but children are hard work and I'd be very surprised based on what you've said if he ends up seeing them more than EOW.

DS doesn't respond to reward charts. He simply couldn't give less of a shit. He would also love it if I put him back in nappies.

Neither of my two responded to star charts either. I might as well have tried astrology for all the good they did. Turns out the older one has ADHD, not diagnosed till university.

I think proper reward charts depend on being able to grasp a symbolism that isn’t necessarily possible much before the age of seven. At 3 your DS is not going to be able to understand these artificial links between behaviour and reward. If he is not neurotypical then it will be even more incomprehensible and bewildering to him.

But also, TBH, the whole situation reminds me very much of a friend of mine. Her elder DC had a habit of behaving very much like your DS, and when he played up, her husband would walk angrily out of the room, leave her to deal with the chaos and then berate her for not disciplining properly.😡He really stitched her up in the end as due to physical disability she couldn’t look after the kids on her own when the marriage broke down. But many years later, she’s a lot happier, has a new partner and much more support. Her DS was diagnosed with ASD at college and is now in work at a local supermarket.

Slightly different scenario but I was once with a bloke who had a 10 year old daughter. She would wet the bed every single night and he would go in to sort it all out for her every night. She’d close the door and would get him playing games and all sorts. I suggested to him that he makes her sort her own mess out. Strip her own bed and put everything in the wash herself everytime it happened.

After 1 night of this she suddenly because dry after all those years of bed wetting. Funny that 🙄

My health visitor suggested that I shouldn't comment when dd wet the bed, but get her to help me clean it up and change the bed. So I did and that worked. Years ago.