Am I reading too much into this comment by DS?

[BenjiLove]

DS is three. He is potty trained & has been dry for months, but recently has started peeing on stuff. I think it's probably for attention (isn't most stuff to do with toddlers?) and he does it when I'm tending to the baby. Working out what to do about it is another thread I guess.

Anyway - it's really winding DH up. He gets so mad. Today DS did it in our bed. DS just started peeing all over our pillows.

DH went mad. DS cried. DH went out the bedroom. DS followed him and said

"Sorry Daddy peeing on bed. Don't be sad. Mummy will tidy it up".

I don't know why but it's pushed me over the edge. I do tidy it up all the time. But I just think GOD - what am I doing?? What am I showing DS?

I said to DH "Don't you think it's worrying. DS knows that daddy gets angry and mummy tidies everything up. That isn't healthy role modelling etc"

DH says I'm being OTT and kids just say stuff.

AIBU to think this comment by DS means something and that we are giving him unhealthy images of women and men and their roles? Or am I being OTT?

Well, while I'm more than willing to believe that you are doing it all because sadly, that's all too common, I would say that toddlers are not hugely accurate or nuanced so if he says, "Mummy will clean it" it may well be because every single time he's pee'ed where he's not supposed to, you have cleaned it. it doesn't necessarily mean that you do everything.

having said that, it does sound like there's a bigger issue here. If he's not working, is he doing all the working day childcare and house tasks so that evening household tasks are limited (and split between you?) or is he doing the bare minimum and you're then finishing work only to spend 3 hours scrubbing, washing, parenting, cleaning, cooking, shopping and frankly your resentment is now sky high?

Your dh has leaned that he can storm off an not deal with stuff, happy days. He doesn't have to deal with menial piss related jobs.

Your ds has learned that he can piss where he likes and still get someone to deal with the aftermath.

As someone else mentioned, tell your dh that it is his turn to sort it out. If he doesn't, leave it. And then go and buy yourself a new pillow.

Rigidly stick to taking it in turns to clean up EVERYTHING. He doesn't get to be angry and therefore get out of the shitwork.

Tell your son that he is not allowed in the bedroom for the next week. Continue to do the same if he pisses in other places.

Before you do anything I would just check with the doctor he hasn't got a UTI. It's possible whatever's triggering the emotion that makes it look like he's weeing deliberately in response is actually just making the wee come out. Unlikely I realise but worth ruling out. Otherwise you're doing a whole lot of discipline stuff for a physical issue.

The ‘don’t be sad, mummy will tidy it up’ sounds more to me like he is just parroting phrases you say, if he accidentally spills something do you say something like this? I don’t necessarily think this has anything to do with the way he portrays your ‘roles’ but if you think your husband isn’t pulling his weight around the house then that’s another issue. Not sure what to do about the peeing, hopefully you get some good advice here!

Is it unreasonable to be angry when your child wees on your pillows? I think I would be.

I would be furious. The main thing I take from his comment is that there is no need to worry because it always just gets cleaned up with no consequences, so really why not pee wherever you want?

I would give a sharp reprimand and he would absolutely be cleaning up his own wee. Obviously you would have to clean it again after, but he would learn that it is more trouble than it's worth.

On a side note, they need to wee AS SOON AS THEY WAKE UP. A full bladder is tempting fate.

If your DH isn't working how is the domestic workload shared?

If you're working full time and still doing the lions share I don't know why you're surprised at what your DS said.

You need to undermine this, and you need to start now. “Daddy will tidy it up”. “Daddy is making dinner”. “Help daddy put the clothes into the washing machine”.
Not all the time, obviously, but it needs to happen. I do it around my 3 DC, my girls in particular.

Thus.At 3 he is not a toddler, he oils what he is doing is gross and naughty. Smacked bum and made to clear it up( as best he can)

Yes you need to nip all of that in the bud.

DC to wee (in the loo or pot) immediately he's out of bed
Your DH needs to do more (I think his disgust and anger at your son was probably a good thing BTW) of the cleaning up after these incidents.
Your DC should be made to clean up under parental supervision when he's been a dirty boy - I'm presuming these aren't accidents but deliberate points Percy at the pillow or whatever protest wees.
You need to have a conversation about this with your DH, a "man to man" chat about not being a dirty boy might be helpful here as well as DH doing more around the home as that (possibly) throwaway comment from your DS has really struck a chord with you. if DH is part time and you're F/T then yes he should be doing more of the household jobs, you're supposed to be a team.
Good luck with it all.

Personally I’d just black your child when he does this. Zero reaction. No attention. Your DH should do the same. Take yourselves off for a cup of tea in the garden and when DS appears pass him a cloth to clean up or ask him to strip the pillow case off. Don’t get into discussions or explaining or whatever. Be matter of fact

Potentially, he could be narrating what he sees, but for context, my partner is the fave with our children for playing and my then 3 year old said after dinner ‘daddy you come play and mummy do the cleaning’ to which point my partner said no I’ll do the cleaning and you can wait. For added context household chores are split 50/50 here.

But it’s not great your partner gets angry over the peeing, I can see it being extremely frustrating but getting angry just adds to the chaos. I guess it’s a wider situation question. Are you doing the majority of the cleaning? And does your partner always get angry?

I'm not sure always hiding negative emotions from children is good. I mean, you piss on someone's pillow = they are angry. It's all quite standard isn't it?! I wouldn't shelter a 3 year old from that natural reaction unless there was a particular reason to do so.

Role models re clearing up are the least of your problems. Your husband's anger at a three year old feeling displaced is the issue.

i would be annoyed and angry with my child for this - deliberating peeing on things isn’t on, it’s gross. He’s three - old enough to know better

your house will stink after a while of him doing this no matter who cleans it

if my child was doing this there would be no way they could be coming in to my bedroom and I would tell them exactly why! Who wants pissy pillows 🤢

in the instance you describe Op it should be your son cleaning up with supervision/ help from your husband

Agreed

Why totally justifiable and valid anger be hidden from the child?

He is three years not 3 months. Old enough to learn from it

Of course DH is going to say that because if he can convince you that what DS said isn't a sign of him absorbing the behaviour you're both modelling for him, the status quo doesn't have to change and DH can continue not clearing up after his son and leaving it all for you.

My DP also deploys this tactic (differently - we don't have kids) and it really fucking pisses me off.

Let's LTBs.

If he's been dry for months then I think I'd be cross too. Barring medical needs, he's doing it on purpose. I think your dh's cross response is understandable, especially as your pillows are ruined. Why shouldn't your ds see that his parents are cross when he does something like this? If he's doing it for attention, that's the last thing he should get.

This OP.

Stop letting DS into your bedroom and tell him why.

I would be furious if my son chose to wee on my pillow when he was three years old, its both disrespectful and absolutely disgusting behaviour. If he had done that not only would he be punished he certainly wouldn’t be going back in my bedroom either. The fact that he thinks weeing wherever he likes is perfectly fine makes it seem that you allow him to do this and choose not to implement any consequences.

I find it bizarre that your DH doesn't help tidy and clean things up. Especially as he's home more. That needs to change, he needs to see both parents sharing in the housework. definitely get your DH told.

If it's started to get attention because you had a baby could you try that way in as a discussion?

Ask ds where baby pees and why. When he says nappy because he cannot use a toilet point out that neither can he and so he'll need nappies too if he can't use the toilet.

Then alongside this have a star/reward chart. Every time he uses the toilet he gets a star and the reward needs to be something you do together (baking/park/bike ride etc). DH can stay with baby whilst your out.

It's got into a negative cycle which is sooooo easy to do. But consistency can make it fairly easy to turn around too.

Anytime he sees anywhere else then ignore. Finish sorting baby, put baby down and then say to ds calmly "right, I have time to spend with you now so let's get the wet area sorted". Hopefully he'll learn that it's not the funnest way to second 1:1 time! Especially when he's getting positive 1:1 time for using the toilet.

Some of you think DH shouldn't get angry. And some of you think I should be angrier.

DS doesn't respond to reward charts. He simply couldn't give less of a shit. He would also love it if I put him back in nappies. He would like to be a baby. He hates being a "big boy".

I take things (toys) away when he pees somewhere. Which results in an almighty tantrum. And then he says sorry. And then the next day he pisses on the sofa. He is at nursery and always uses the loo there. No accidents. So it's obviously my god awful parenting which most of you have confirmed

I'm out of ideas. He also couldn't care less about not going in my bedroom. He was only in there looking for a toy

for anyone failing to understand why DH is not tidying up - its because he is a twat

You are not being OTT to be worried by your DS’s statement at all, but of course it suits your DH to make you think you are. Your DS needs consequences when he pees on things, so make him clear it up, with your DH’s help every single time.

Ffs too far.

I assume this behaviour started after his sibling was born? My eldest did this (as well as huge tantrums and making himself sick) after his sister was born as a sort of protest I think at having to share me with her. We tried star charts and rewards for positive behaviour, naughty step etc with little impact (he was soo stubborn and jealous) and he did eventually grow out of it when he started nursery where I think he felt less in competition with her. It was a bloody tough time, which is why we only have 2 DC as I couldn't go through that again for a 3rd child!! Luckily now they get on very well but you have my utmost sympathy as it's hell