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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to raise an issue with what a so-called friend said to me?

529 replies

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 10:10

I have always looked very young for my age, which was a hinderance as a teenager and young adult but as I have got older I have embraced and taken upon the fact that that I look young as a blessing (I am now 28 btw but look like I am in the teenagers years range)

I bought a bottle of wine for dinner from the shop on the way home for me and my DBF last night (we are in a same-sex relationship) amongst other stuff and expected to show ID as normal and didn't get asked, so I jokingly said "Are you not going to ask me for ID for the wine?" and the (obviously gay a nd young) guy who was on the till stared at me and looked me up and down and said: "no, I don't think that's necessary."

I paid for my things without much further words and went home but was a bit upset. Later, I had a VERY SMALL cry to myself in private about it in the toilet and then when I told my friend later and told him what happened he was very nonchalant and said my crying was for attention-seeking and I always do it to try and get attention, even though I had JUST told him that I had cried to myself in total private and for very briefly, about ten seconds in total, if that!! I spoke to my DP later and he agreed with me that it was horrible but AIBU for being furious by the callous words from a so-called friend and should I lessen contact with them?

OP posts:
WalkingOnTheCracks · 09/08/2022 11:30

What has the shop assistant being "obviously gay" got to do with anything?

Nothing, but it was an obvious put-down.

Hang on. You're 28. A bloke in a shop considered that you looked over 18. And that's a 'put-down'?

HarrietSchulenberg · 09/08/2022 11:30

I hear you, and there's some rather mean posters here today. You've had to face that you are, inevitably, getting older, for the first time. We've all had similar, often with the first grey hairs or, for those of us over 50ish, with the first (shudder) chin whisker. And a lot of us have certainly had a little cry, or at least felt sad about the passing of time and ageing. We do get over it and acceptance helps.
Maybe your partner felt your reaction was disproportionate as he does not see this ageing process so feels you were over reacting.

Backtobacknow · 09/08/2022 11:32

mbosnz · 09/08/2022 10:54

Good grief. Never go to the Sistene Chapel, God only knows what reaction you'd have there.

😄😄😄

drawacircleroundit · 09/08/2022 11:33

“JUST told him that I had cried to myself in total private” 😂
So no longer private, then!
You cried in private, then told your DBF that you had had a little cry in private.
Why, if not to gain attention for your emotionally wrought state?
You need to drag your emotional maturity into a place more commensurate with being 30. I mean this kindly, although it’s obviously not reading like that. If you’re used to your identity being tangled up with looking young, you need to adjust now - because physical ageing is an absolute bitch, and it’s coming your way. Embrace it, don’t mourn the childish version of yourself, and think twice before sharing the truth of what makes you cry as people aren’t as empathetic as you think.

Bretonbear · 09/08/2022 11:33

This cannot be real.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/08/2022 11:34

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 11:20

Ok well I was clearly BU from the votes so that's that. I shall try not to be so human and have actual emotions next time and be more robotic.

It's not robotic to act like an adult.

You were fishing for a compliment, and didn't get one.

Mythreefavouritethings · 09/08/2022 11:34

This reply has been deleted

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I agree. I usually give the benefit of the doubt but there is no nuance here at all - crying over ID situation and the 'obviously gay' server. Unless you go through life like an Impulse/Lynx advert from the 90s where people are so stunned by your beauty they walk into lampposts and do a 180 every time they see you, I think you will have come across individuals who don't make you the centre of their turning world.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2022 11:36

Have you had enough attention yet?

RhubarbFairy · 09/08/2022 11:36

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 11:20

Ok well I was clearly BU from the votes so that's that. I shall try not to be so human and have actual emotions next time and be more robotic.

Can I offer you some tissues for when you cry about this too?

Or maybe just a grip?

Johnnysgirl · 09/08/2022 11:36

Fushiadreams · 09/08/2022 11:29

I think refering to his partner as both partner and boyfriend has thrown people, especially when coupled with the fact there is indeed a friend in the sorry tale

he is saying he’s a twenty eight year old man, his partner (dp) and boyfriend (dbf) are one and the same person. His boyfriend agrees with him the whole thing Is horrible but his friend said he’s always pulling this attention seeking shite and basically at knocking on thirty he should give it a rest.

the op thinks his friend is callous for saying this and is furious. As he only cried for ten seconds then told this friend about his crying. Then told his boyfriend about it. Then came on here and told mumsnet too.

Hold on, this is a man? A 28 year old man, crying because he thinks he looks like a teenager and his delusions have been shattered?
Sweet Jesus... 🤦‍♀️

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/08/2022 11:38

So check out bloke clearly younger than you insulted you by not considering you a teenager, and friend was dismissive and suggested you were attention seeking?

You realise the average MN has no idea how cutting an insult that is right? Checkout kid has effectively told you that you are OLD, no longer the desirable twink everyone wants....

Unfortunately either you're a huge drama queen or are very bored and think storylines from Queer as Folk will be so old everyones forgotten.

On the very slim chance you're real - attention seeking is 'having a cry in the toilets' and then telling everyone about it.

redbigbananafeet · 09/08/2022 11:40

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 10:21

I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP - I didn't cause a scene at the shop, I didn't react until I got home in private and privately was a bit upset by it. So I don't see how that is trying to seek attention because it wasn't in front of anyone.

It's attention seeking because you told your friend about it hoping he'd say "oh no, that silly shop keeper was being a bitchy queen. Of course you look under 25 darling!!!!"

Transformatio · 09/08/2022 11:42

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 11:20

Ok well I was clearly BU from the votes so that's that. I shall try not to be so human and have actual emotions next time and be more robotic.

Alternatively, you could take the advice on board a bit.

It was also a bit deflating that the shop assistant didn't enter into a bit of banter with you. On the surface their comment could be taken as a compliment or a put down. It felt like a put-down so probably was. That was all on them though - maybe they were in a bad mood/are a bit of a dick/don't really understand banter? Doesn't matter knowing that - other people do have the capacity to suddenly deflate our mood, and knowing that their actions/words are really showing their failings doesn't stop that.

Your friend could have been more understanding - but again s/he is human. This sounds like a relatively minor event - it is ok to have a cry about it in private but maybe this time you should have kept it fully private. It sounds like your friend is letting you know that you are sharing too much of this type of thing and is trying to set a boundary some some sort? Now you know.

TheDogsMother · 09/08/2022 11:43

Meanwhile...... in the real world !!!

redbigbananafeet · 09/08/2022 11:44

JockTamsonsBairns · 09/08/2022 10:51

I'm a bit confused. Are the DP and DBF one and the same person? I've read the Op a couple of times, and can't figure it out.

Yes they used Darling Partner one time and Darling Boyfriend the next. It's not that complicated.

SleeplessInEngland · 09/08/2022 11:45

This reply has been deleted

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floofmum · 09/08/2022 11:45

Did ye aye ?

GooglyEyeballs · 09/08/2022 11:49

LOL this thread is funny. OP you are very immature a you sound a little bit vain too. Crying over not getting ID-d at 28 is very very silly.

Haudyourwheesht · 09/08/2022 11:49

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 10:21

I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP - I didn't cause a scene at the shop, I didn't react until I got home in private and privately was a bit upset by it. So I don't see how that is trying to seek attention because it wasn't in front of anyone.

But it wasn't a private reaction as you told your friend, which is seeking their attention. Had they noticed you were crying and got it out of you, fair enough but you sought them out to tell them.

Also, you are 28. You'll have to get used to not looking like a teenager. What's the alternative?

AmyDudley · 09/08/2022 11:50

My favourite character in this story is the 'obviously gay and young' server, can you start a thread about him ?

catandcoffee · 09/08/2022 11:51

This is one of the most confusing posts I've ever on here .🙄

Maireas · 09/08/2022 11:53

redbigbananafeet · 09/08/2022 11:44

Yes they used Darling Partner one time and Darling Boyfriend the next. It's not that complicated.

Show quote history

Oh, is D for Darling?.. I thought it was Dear.

Aus84 · 09/08/2022 11:55

mbosnz · 09/08/2022 10:54

Good grief. Never go to the Sistene Chapel, God only knows what reaction you'd have there.

Oh god, classic! I forgot about that one.

SuperPets · 09/08/2022 11:56

Bretonbear · 09/08/2022 11:33

This cannot be real.

There really are people this vain, shallow and attention seking, so ye it could be real

bathsh3ba · 09/08/2022 11:59

I don't think you were necessarily being dramatic or attention-seeking, but it does on the face of it seem an over-reaction.

If you regularly react like this, then maybe your friend has a point? Being a good friend is sometimes about challenging, not just supporting.

If being 'dramatic' is just part of your personality, as it is for some people, maybe they're just not a good fit for you as a friend, though I think 'dramatic' people need to understand that a lot of people will tire of the drama.

If it's a one-off then I'd assume there's something underlying that made you react this way and, as a friend, I'd want to help you figure out what that was.