No longer love DH

[Ohno2]

So DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6. We have 2 children, 5 and 2. I have just got so fed up of him doing what he likes socially and never knowing when he is coming home from work etc. He says we never have sex (honestly couldn’t think of anything worse), I do not fancy him or care about his needs anymore, I honestly don’t think I can get it back either.

Tell him you want a divorce - it sounds like you are living separate lives anyway. He'll probably be relieved

You need to talk to him about how you feel and why.

I have, he doesn’t agree and thinks what he is doing is ok. I can’t make something work when the other person won’t budge.

Can you leave? That seems the obvious answer here, if he will not discuss.

It's too unbalanced, no wonder you've disengaged. He just does his own thing does he, leaves the kids and the responsibilities to you? I'd feel the same, plus resentment.

I just can’t stop thinking about how it will affect the kids

I wouldn’t throw in the towel with children these ages I would go to a couples counsellor.

I think it's pretty obvious what you need to do, isn't it? Your current situation is miserable for you and is also unfair on your DH. Your kids will deal with it like every other kid does when their parents divorce. Also, kids do tend to know when their parents kind of hate each other, so I doubt the current set-up is ideal for them.

Having a mum who is resentful and unhappy will affect the kids too. You need to sort it or divorce. Counselling may help if he is willing, both to focus his mind but also potentially to negotiate a positive and amicable divorce.

@10HailMarys

I think it's pretty obvious what you need to do, isn't it? Your current situation is miserable for you and is also unfair on your DH. Your kids will deal with it like every other kid does when their parents divorce.

Urgh. Sorry I do not advocate people staying in unhappy relationships. But could people PLEASE not be so glib about the effects of separation on kids? It's very convenient for adults to say 'kids will be worse off growing up in an unhappy home', but there's no law that says they will automatically be happier split between two homes, neither of which is guaranteed to be happier just because their parents aren't together anymore. The kids can be expected to just 'deal with it', but it's totally unreasonable to expect the adults to 'deal with' being less than perfectly in love, grow up and find a way to make it work? Really?

Sometimes it's not possible to make it work, I get that. But it's not a cut and dried, easy decision, there is no 'right' thing to do that guarantees the kids' wellbeing, it is perfectly sensible to agonise over this decision as it will have a massive impact on the kids. All this 'they'll just deal with it' is so sodding callous.

@dontwanttooverreact what are your reasons? I am very unhappy, i
am pretty much a single parent anyway? How can he get away with this

Because you are letting him by waiting for his permission.

So what can I do to change it? I feel like I have literally exhausted all options?

If you’ve exhausted all options then I really don’t know. Please let me know if you do figure it out as for different reasons I’m feeling exactly the same!

If you don't love him and have exhausted all options, then absolutely leave! You don't need to wait for his permission or for him to agree to separate.

As for the kids - I don't know any adult children of unhappy adults who are pleased their parents stayed together 'for their sake.' Be positive and fair and keep putting the kids first. Don't fight or slate each other to the kids. A positive divorce and positive co-parenting is much better than unhappy cohabiting.

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen

This!

Saying the kids are better off is really just a way of placating the person who wants the divorce and it’s usually coming from people who have done similar or could imagine doing it.
Kids in abusive homes may be better off, kids with parents in just ok marriages or lukewarm probably aren’t going to be. Yes they will deal with it but the way it’s talked about on here you would think they’d been done a favour.

Need more information about what doing what he wants socially means and also on the nature of his job and what you mean by you don’t know when he’s coming home. Otherwise it’s imposssible to say if what he’s doing is unreasonable.

I don’t think I could pack it in with kids that young unless something was very wrong.

I assume seeing as he's refusing to believe something is wrong, that he is also refusing counselling?

I think counselling is a good place to start. If he won’t attend you can say well in that case I will be seriously considering divorce and start preparing yourself. The relationship needs to be right for both of you, not just one. If one wants change then change needs to happen! Don’t give up on your own happiness op. Can you go away and have a break? Take the kids with you, Leave him to it. See if that wakes him up a bit. Sounds to me like he’s just drifting!!! X

He plays sport twice a week, doesn’t get home from work until 7, watches sport sometimes on a weekend, he tells me I can do what I want when I want? When?

On the weekend, he can watch sport and kids at the same time. If you make plans he will have to stay home. Do you go out without him much? Do you both make time for each other?

I don’t even want to go out, I am literally exhausted most evenings. We do go on a date night once a month and I do meet up with the girls occasionally. The last date night we had was what made me realise I had had enough as I really didn’t want to be there with him, I made every excuse up to not affectionate also.

I would stay for the kids, there is no arguing, animosity etc but I really do not love him.

Having young kids is really hard better to see a counsellor first

We have been to counselling in the past after our first baby, same thing is happening after our DS was born, lack of help and a build up of resentment.