No longer love DH

[Ohno2]

So DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6. We have 2 children, 5 and 2. I have just got so fed up of him doing what he likes socially and never knowing when he is coming home from work etc. He says we never have sex (honestly couldn’t think of anything worse), I do not fancy him or care about his needs anymore, I honestly don’t think I can get it back either.

You've just described my ex. He was so selfish, he honestly could not see beyond living each day exactly as he wanted. I had to book him to look after our DS while I had a 6-weekly hair cut. Even then he'd leave ds sitting in a dirty nappy until I got back because 'he shouldn't have to deal with that'.

I left when ds was 2y2m. It was telling that DS didn't even notice that daddy wasn't there any more, because he hadn't been there for ds, ever.

If you are going to leave, do it now. DCs will adapt to being just with you, much faster than if you leave it until you crack up, when they are tweens.

If he tells me times that he will be home I can prepare myself for when I am being relieved.

How do you see this happening? You need to talk and lay this on the line if you don’t want to split.

Urgh. Sorry I do not advocate people staying in unhappy relationships. But could people PLEASE not be so glib about the effects of separation on kids?

This I know adult children of divorce who are still negatively affected by a relatively undramatic parental divorce when they were a child.

It may or may not be in the children and/or the mum's overall best interests here, but kids won't automatically cope fine with it.

Playing sport twice a week and watching sport sometimes on the weekend is normal. If he gets home from work at 7 so what?

You think it's totally reasonable to never tell your partner what time you're coming home from work or sport when you have young children? To regularly spend evenings and weekends totally absent without checking that your partner is happy to look after your own children? Without doing anything to help look after your own children or lifting a finger apart from once a month to look after your relationship with your partner, and then moan that they don't want to shag you?

(Oops, that first paragraph is a quote)

It seems that at the young kids stage, you are not going to get what you want. And that's really shit. It is depressing to have to have serious meetings, nag etc just to get your husband to let you know when he's coming home! That's not reasonable.

It is possible that he will suddenly step up when they are older. This can be a bit frustrating - I had to bite my lip a fair bit - but as a starting point, what about him taking the kids to a junior version of his sport at least once a week?

If you are going to split, there's no harm in getting a routine going where there are specific things he does regularly with the kids. And just maybe it will shift things between you if you are less run ragged.

Did anything positive come out of the counselling before?

Your options are:
Try talking to him again
Go back to counselling alone or together
Leave

We can’t tell you which to do. I did wonder if, when you talk to him, you’ve explained how you feel and what you need rather than focusing on what he’s doing wrong?

OP, it is loud & clear that he won't change. I think he sounds like an awful person to be in a relationship with personally, but at the end of the day the question isn't really about what is reasonable or not. It's also not really about being in love, or not. You both want different lifestyles, and at the moment he's mostly getting his (apart from a wife who will have sex with him) while you sound desperately unhappy because your needs aren't getting met.

What's your money situation like? Do you have a job, and/or access to his income? I'd priorise getting your ducks in a row - get financial divorce advice, secretly stash away a bit of money each month for a "fuck off fund". Even if you never decide to go through with it, being in a situation where you have the option to leave is so much better for your mental wellness.

I work 24 hours a week but can up my hours if needs be, I will be able to afford the mortgage by myself, obviously maintenance would help as he couldn’t possibly have the kids 50/50

People who say that your OHs week is reasonable are missing the point.

• he plays sport twice a week. How often do you get to plat sport/go the the gym/swim/ whatever?
• he watches sport at the weekend. How much time do you get to watch you choice of programmes? Do what you want?

Your kids are still young so will need a lot of supervision and management - How much of this does he do?
How much of the mental load does he carry?

I can see what you are resentful
Coupled with lack of sleep (sleep deprivation is a form of torture it has such a negative effect on the individual) I get why you are looking at your options.

If he won't go to counselling then it's time for a serious chat and to lay your cards on the table.

Do you work?
You need to start looking for a job if the answer is no in order to open up your options.

I honestly don’t see the point in living such a miserable life.

You literally get one life and in 10 or 20 years you’re going to look back and think why did I waste so much time.

Try and make it work.
If you’ve tried and it still doesn’t work then it’s never going to.

Google “Blog by Matthew Fray” (it’s where you find ’must be this tall to ride’ for those who remember it being cited here years ago)
Its a blog by a man who didn’t realise, until he was unhappily divorced, just how much he had failed to respect his wife whilst believing he was doing his best and she was moaning about nothing. He’s now written a book “This is how your marriage ends”.
if you can get your’D’ H to read it it might start a productive dialogue?

You judge him for playing sport twice a week, sometimes watching sport on the weekend and you never want to have sex?

Sounds like he should be divorcing you.

My mum
And dad broke up when we were four

We have had a good relationship with both my mum and dad
My sisters and I all have exceptional
Boundaries and high self esteem

We have all been very successful professionally and well known locally

If I had a pound for every shocked face when they find out we are from a 'single parent family' i would not need to work
'You all did so well given the circumstances'

While others I know who grew up with toxic dynamics now also have dysfunctional marriages and attachment styles - but at least they are not from a 'broken home' 🙄

@masterblaster are you my husband?

Kids will always be happier living with separated parents than in a two parent home when they’re both unhappy.

Kids pick up on a lot more than you think and they feel all of the tension and unhappiness just as much as you, if not more.

I cannot stand when women stay in abusive relationships ‘for the kids’ - when we know the best thing to do would be to remove them asap.

Of course they can feel sad and hurt by their parents separating but how much it impacts them depends on the parents behaviour - if the parents are mature and act friend and supportive of each other then the children will have a much better experience than if they parents are arguing and fighting over custody.

In my experience children are very resilient and will bounce back when a marriage separation happens.

What will effect children more is hearing differences being discussed. Them feeling mum is not happy. Most parents do there best no to bring children into the situation - sometimes this cannot be helped if a child over hears arguments etc.

If you have had counselling before, the next step could be a trail separation leading to divorce. I was very much in your situation with my exh who thought, playing sport, teaching sport (for free) and beers with his buddies was a good life - out 4 nights a week. He soon found out the hard way that his family needed more than just a part time dad/husband.

Well firstly, did he suddenly change after you had 1 child into being a selfish and lazy fuckwit? Presumably you knew who he was and yet had another child with someone who already showed you who he was..

But we are where we are. And I totally and utterly don't agree it's acceptable in any way for him to treat you like the sole child carer and fuck off whenever it suits him as if he doesn't have any parental responsibility.

The only reason men treat women like shit is because we let them. Book yourself a weekend away at short notice. Go out for the evening twice a week even if its just in your car with a good book and see how quickly he starts whingeing.

He won't change, because he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to and this suits him perfectly well thank you, because you've been putting up with it with no real consequences for him.

The only way to change this, is to change yourself. Take actions, not words. Counselling will do absolutely shit because he doesn't care. I'd be putting your ducks in a row and getting a divorce ASAP because the sooner you get rid of this lower, the sooner you can get on with the rest of your life.

Oh and make sure he gets 50/50. It's about time he learned what parenting actually is.

*loser not lower

We’ll leave him but don’t expect to have loads of free time to yourself. You will have less i predict

he will likely end up being an EOW dad at most and now will you deal with that?

“Oh and make sure he gets 50/50. It's about time he learned what parenting actually is.”

you can’t force someone to want 50/50 childcare
I don’t think the husband will want this at all.

Why stay for the kids?? Some people I know have parents who "stayed together for the kids" and they wish their parents hadn't bothered because they were both unhappy

Some times it's better just to cut your losses and move on you never know it might be what your husband is thinking too but doesn't want to say

Why live your life unhappy you only get one shot

Well he is obviously NOT your DH just your H

Nope, I'm the child of divorced parents who tried to stay together 'for the kids'. Even at 9 I knew they didn't want to be together. I vividly remember looking for my Judy Blume book 'It's not the end of the world' and my dad asked me why I was so desperate to find it. I replied that it's about a girl who's parents divorce and I thought it would be helpful to re-read it when they got divorced. My dad was taken aback and reassured me (incorrectly) that they weren't getting divorced.

They split up less than a year later and divorced less than a year after that. And thank goodness for it.

They were miserable together. They didn't love each other. You'd probably describe their marriage as 'okay' or 'lukewarm'. I can assure you that it was no fun there on the front line.

And we knew theg didn't love each other. My mother maintained even when I was an adult that she wanted to stay together until we were 16 and 19 at a minimum (I'm the eldest).

Why? A lifetime of living with someone you don't love and who doesn't love you, just so you can give the illusion of a happy family to outsiders?

That sets a terrible example of a healthy relationship to your children and shows them that it's okay to settle for less than they're worth.

Sending OP. Think about what you want your life to look like and take steps to make it happen.