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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No longer love DH

111 replies

Ohno2 · 09/08/2022 06:36

So DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6. We have 2 children, 5 and 2. I have just got so fed up of him doing what he likes socially and never knowing when he is coming home from work etc. He says we never have sex (honestly couldn’t think of anything worse), I do not fancy him or care about his needs anymore, I honestly don’t think I can get it back either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohno2 · 10/08/2022 06:55

He has not once got up in the night to help me as apparently he just cannot do it as he will just fall asleep. Never initiates anything without being asked 700 times.

OP posts:
SueToTo34 · 10/08/2022 07:03

Playing sport twice a week and watching sport sometimes on the weekend is normal. If he gets home from work at 7 so what? What time does he finish? Unless it’s at like 4 what is the problem?

Im sorry but his beahviour sounds totally reasonable and your reactions to thinking otherwise seem highly neurotic and it does sound like the issue is with you. I don’t blame him for not seeing the problem.

Is it possible you could talk to somebody about your own thoughts and reactions in general, not as a form of marriage counselling but to get to the bottom of your own feelings. Because imo the way your reacting to his totally normal beahviour is not normal and is the problem.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/08/2022 07:08

Kids in abusive homes may be better off, kids with parents in just ok marriages or lukewarm probably aren’t going to be.

It really depends how you categorise this.

'Abuse' comes in a lot of forms - and degrees. I was in an abusive marriage - but the seeds of it were sown before it got to that point. A disinterested immature man who refused to take financial responsibility or prioritise his family.

Some might say that's just a less-than-happy marriage but actually modelling a relationship not founded on love & respect is harmful for DC and causes unhappiness whether recognised at the time or not.

I don't advocate leaving on a whim for sure - I endured my marriage for far too long & by the time I did leave I was knee-deep in all kinds of abuse & control.

OP has been to counselling. Her H doesn't want to discuss the issues.

OP I suggest that you go to counselling yourself to work out how you feel & consider options. Opting out from family life is unacceptable & no basis for a marriage.

MissyB1 · 10/08/2022 07:08

Hmmm I’m not sure this has to end in divorce. I would advise couples counselling, but also some sessions just for yourself. You do sound very fed up but I wonder if it’s really all to do with him?

EarringsandLipstick · 10/08/2022 07:11

@SueToTo34

On its own exercising & coming home at 7 sounds completely reasonable, yes.

However OP is unhappy, feels he doesn't help with DC (doesn't get up at night) and he won't discuss it.

That's not reasonable & therefore she has stopped feeling connected to him / their marriage.

Original poster
Ohno2 · 10/08/2022 07:13

What is neurotic about wanting support? He’s constantly booking things to do, the calendar is full of stuff, he was away from Friday to Sunday last weekend, his phone had no reception and didn’t get home until 9pm Sunday night. I want to know when I am getting some relief from the kids, is that such a bad thing?

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 10/08/2022 07:13

Pick a day where he doesn't have something booked, even if it's in a few months and put YOUR time on the calendar. Make up stuff if you have to.

Original poster
Ohno2 · 10/08/2022 07:15

That’s not what I want though?

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 10/08/2022 07:16

Op, playing sport twice a week and getting he from work at 7pm is reasonable.

What would you like to change? An example, him to be responsible for x chores.
Sometimes unhappiness in ourselves causes resentment to others.

mumto2teenagers · 10/08/2022 07:18

He plays sport twice a week, doesn’t get home from work until 7, watches sport sometimes on a weekend, he tells me I can do what I want when I want? When?

This seems normal to me, from your OP I was expecting you to say he was out every night and most of the weekend. He is playing sport twice a week, leaving you 5 days a week to arrange something for yourself to do.

SueToTo34 · 10/08/2022 07:20

@EarringsandLipstick

Obviously I can’t say what is bad aside from outright abuse without knowing the situation and even then not really. But I do think that the whole thing about leaving because you want to model a healthy relationship for the kids is really just self justification of whatever the one leaving wants but put in a way that makes them feel selfless. I’m not saying leaving is not warranted sometimes, but really I think in many cases the whole thing about not leaving causing kids harm even if they don’t know it is just false. It’s a justification of one’s own wants often imo.

For instance I read an interview with Adele recently where she was talking about leaving her ok marriage and her son being upset but it being ok because “one day he would get to see her fully loved” (by another guy I guess) and that would make him see how good it was for her to do that for him. I was like what?
Her own reasoning made it seem like she just lost the feels and wanted to leave then felt guilty her son was sad and angry, then read some kind of thing about it being better for kids and clung to that, even though what she was saying sounded totally self absorbed and bizarre.

I think the idea that leaving is good for the kids because they need to model a good relationship for the kids is an idea that appeals to a lot of women who want to leave. But it’s not really the reality a lot of the time.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 10/08/2022 07:20

You don't love him, he won't change, it's ok to split up. The kids will be ok as long as you are both reasonable about it.

Mybeautifulfriend22 · 10/08/2022 07:20

I was one of those kids that the parents stayed together and I’m sorry we would of absolutely been better off if they had split. The arguing and tension was awful.

Op if you plan to stay you need to get some enjoyment out of life. You need to do things for you and book it in the calendar. If he doesn’t want to split he needs to up his game and you need to talk.

He needs to step up and do things with the kids and in the house. Everyone is entitled to have a life outside the family but surely he should discuss this with you especially weekends away. Stop doing things for him if he doesn’t pull his weight. Course your not going to like him very much if he is barely home and then then does bugger all when he is.

SueToTo34 · 10/08/2022 07:20

They believe it because they want to. Because it morally justifies what they’ve already chosen to do.

0live · 10/08/2022 07:21

SueToTo34 · 10/08/2022 07:03

Playing sport twice a week and watching sport sometimes on the weekend is normal. If he gets home from work at 7 so what? What time does he finish? Unless it’s at like 4 what is the problem?

Im sorry but his beahviour sounds totally reasonable and your reactions to thinking otherwise seem highly neurotic and it does sound like the issue is with you. I don’t blame him for not seeing the problem.

Is it possible you could talk to somebody about your own thoughts and reactions in general, not as a form of marriage counselling but to get to the bottom of your own feelings. Because imo the way your reacting to his totally normal beahviour is not normal and is the problem.

I don’t think it’s normal . I don’t know any mums who work full time, come in from work at 7 and then do no housework or anything with the kids because they are too tired.

I don’t know any mums who works FT , go out two nights a week and then spend the weekend doing their own thing watching TV while their husband deals with the house and the kids.

None of this is normal in any way and the OP is perfectly reasonable to not like it and want change .

Suggesting that the problem is the OP and her reactions is very unpleasant. Are you the OPs husband ?

SueToTo34 · 10/08/2022 07:21

@Mybeautifulfriend22

She also doesn’t say what his and her comparative work situation is as to how much more he should be doing. That’s relevant.

Mybeautifulfriend22 · 10/08/2022 07:22

mumto2teenagers · 10/08/2022 07:18

He plays sport twice a week, doesn’t get home from work until 7, watches sport sometimes on a weekend, he tells me I can do what I want when I want? When?

This seems normal to me, from your OP I was expecting you to say he was out every night and most of the weekend. He is playing sport twice a week, leaving you 5 days a week to arrange something for yourself to do.

He wasn’t home all last weekend according to ops posts…..

SueToTo34 · 10/08/2022 07:22

@olive

Just my opinion. For many this is normal and not a problem.

Dotcheck · 10/08/2022 07:23

dontwanttooverreact · 09/08/2022 10:59

I wouldn’t throw in the towel with children these ages I would go to a couples counsellor.

Why?

Aus84 · 10/08/2022 07:23

You need to tell him how you feel. If he loves you he will want to do better and there might be hope, if he doesn’t, then you know what needs to happen.

fUNNYfACE36 · 10/08/2022 07:26

What are your working hours op?

Original poster
Ohno2 · 10/08/2022 07:26

Well I am not happy, I want a hands on dad and husband

OP posts:
mjf981 · 10/08/2022 07:27

What do you want OP? What would your ideal situation be? Get that clear in your head, and work out if this is possible with your OH. I bet hes oblivious to your turmoil, as hes a man, and I'm not sure I get the impression you've tried to talk to him in a firm way about you feel..

Sartre · 10/08/2022 07:27

You only get one shot at life. One day you’ll be dead and nobody knows when that will happen. Will you be happy with your life knowing you spent a large portion of it unhappy with the wrong man? If so, crack on but if not, you need a divorce.

Mybeautifulfriend22 · 10/08/2022 07:29

People haven’t read some of the ops posts properly here: they’ve already had counselling due to lack of support post birth of her son, refused to do nights with children as too tired/would fall asleep, tells her what to do and when, was away all weekend apparently with no signal so no communication all weekend. I don’t know families where any of that is or so. Maybe I just know decent men who work together when raising a family.

The sport things isn’t so bad but there’s more to this than just that.

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