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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No longer love DH

111 replies

Ohno2 · 09/08/2022 06:36

So DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6. We have 2 children, 5 and 2. I have just got so fed up of him doing what he likes socially and never knowing when he is coming home from work etc. He says we never have sex (honestly couldn’t think of anything worse), I do not fancy him or care about his needs anymore, I honestly don’t think I can get it back either.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 10/08/2022 16:50

@Whiskeypowers sadly you may be correct and this is absolutely the reason why so many men are shit fathers, because there's no consequences for them either way. How have we reached 2022 and men can still opt out of parenting because their very important jobs or lifestyle always trump their wife's?

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/08/2022 16:54

There are as many outcomes for children to their parents divorcing as there are families.

Some children are very damaged by it, some are barely touched, others ultimately are relieved.

In my anecdotal experience it isn’t the fact of the separation itself that defines how the children are affected, it’s the way parents conduct themselves and how they prioritise (or don’t), the children in the aftermath of the split. It’s possible to separate in a dignified and respectful fashion which puts the child’s needs first.

Its true that we shouldn’t assume that children will not be touched by it and a decision to split shouldn’t be made lightly. But that isn’t a reason to cling desperately to a fast-sinking ship. Two miserable and resentful parents aren’t a great environment for happy children.

clementyne · 10/08/2022 17:24

I really do not know what outcome is best for kids. When I was a child my parents split up, and then got back together after a few years 'for the kids'. I was fine when they were divorced, and also I was fine when we were all back together. Now as an adult though I resent them. my siblings and I have never had a normal romantic relationship between us, we do not know what they look like. My mum convinced me that relationships are for kids, and now I'm suffering the consequences of that belief.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/08/2022 20:14

But I do think that the whole thing about leaving because you want to model a healthy relationship for the kids is really just self justification of whatever the one leaving wants but put in a way that makes them feel selfless

I really have to disagree.

If a relationship is truly not working out, and both parties have tried what they can to resolve it, then separating, ideally with respect, and putting children at the centre, is positive & be beneficial to the children.

If someone is truly unhappy, it permeates their life, their interactions & their daily engagement. Children pick up on this easily.

It's of course painful for everyone but handled correctly is not long-term traumatic for children.

I say this as someone who does feel guilty for what my DC experienced - I wish desperately they could have had 2 parents living & parenting together. My ex is abusive & I know without a doubt, that ending the marriage when they were young was right.

There is adversity in all aspects of life, all of us will face it at one point or another

vaingina · 11/08/2022 03:22

I think you need to create a situation with a mediator, so that both of you can really appreciate the impact of a divorce on your family. Once he has absorbed the need to curtail his sporting and weekend activities, the cost of CM, the need to move house and start again, he may realise how fucking cushy his life is now.

Hopefully he may feel that providing you with the support you need with family life is worth doing. FWIW, I would want a ‘commitment list’ eg 1 family day per fortnight, text to be sent 1 hour before arrival home, only x number of weekends away per year, he does bedtime for children 2 x per weekdays - this may require him to come home earlier, he is to take the kids out for one 3 hour block every (most) weekends etc
Your kids are young, things get easier as they become more independent. If you can get through the next couple of years with him accepting more responsibility, you, and he, could save your marriage…if you want to.

SpudsIluv · 11/08/2022 03:39

I left my abusive ex when my children were similar ages, the younger the better as it has less of a detrimental effect. The eldest had started school and they commented on the fact he had no emotional or behavioural changes/issues.

Do what you need to do, it's hard being a single parent but my life is my own. ☺️

SpudsIluv · 11/08/2022 03:41

To add I have never spoken in a detrimental manor about my ex to my children and vise versa, this is vital to a good emotional outcome I feel. X

Original poster
Ohno2 · 11/08/2022 05:57

I don’t want to go to counselling again, who can I use as a mediator?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohno2 · 11/08/2022 06:00

Literally everything he does irritates me. He is greedy and he stinks as he thinks it’s hilarious to just constantly fart. Can I get the physical attraction back? I do want to save it if I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohno2 · 11/08/2022 06:01

I think the main thing for me is letting me know what time he is coming home so I can prepare myself.

OP posts:
ChrisTrepidation · 11/08/2022 06:17

You shouldn't have to 'prepare yourself' for your husband coming home though.

I feel sad and angry for you op. Please ignore the posters here basically telling you to put up and shut up. Patriarchy in action.

Your marriage is over. You don't love your husband anymore (and I don't blame you. He sounds awful) I would bite the bullet and tell him you want a divorce.

Original poster
Ohno2 · 11/08/2022 06:33

Maybe he is acting that way because why he would he want to come home to somebody who didn’t love him? I wouldn’t?

has anybody felt this way and made it work again?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohno2 · 11/08/2022 06:36

I think the weekend that he went away and was uncontactable was the icing on the cake, he doesn’t get to just do that, again he doesn’t see the problem 🙄

I have been trying my hardest to get the physical attraction back, I honestly can’t think of anything worse than sex, which isn’t like me I usually have quite a high sex drive. I’m very tired with young kids so maybe that is playing a part in how I feel. I don’t want to make this decision quickly as there is no way I would let him go and then come back.

OP posts:
doobydoobydooooo · 11/08/2022 06:53

God this thread is depressing. This place has been infiltrated by the walk over nethuns.

It is not normal. He should get up with the kids. He should make sure he takes them off you, he should be seeing that you also get a break.

He sounds really shit. You don't have to stay together for the kids, what the fuck does he do for them anyway?!

Move on with your life op. It's ok to find a life for yourself.

Original poster
Ohno2 · 11/08/2022 07:15

I switch constantly to thinking, fuck this, and then I start thinking about the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohno2 · 11/08/2022 07:16

He plays with them which I don’t seem to have the time to do as I’m too busy doing the other things.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2022 09:49

@Ohno2

No you can't get it back. Your posts make it clear it's over for you.

Time to separate & start divorce proceedings.

Tooshytoshine · 11/08/2022 09:53

He can play with them every other weekend and go full Disney dad if he pleases...

It's not an equal partnership. He is taking the piss. You can afford the mortgage on your own,the kids are already unsettled by your anxiety caused by his lack of care and it is more important to model how you should allow people to treat you.

Get a solicitor and start the process.

Starlight86 · 11/08/2022 09:55

People throw the towel in FAR too easily!!

Relationships are work, have you and him worked on it, does he want to work on it?

Marriage is a commitment.

You have young children, its hard, every day is a constant grind so it does take work, and hard work. I think you owe it to yourself and your children to try.

And when you both feel you have done everything then you can walk away with your heads held high. Try counselling, get babysitters and have a wee night the 2 of you, make an effort.

and before anyone jumps down my throat, Obviously none of this applies if partner is abusive.

doobydoobydooooo · 11/08/2022 10:41

She has said they've done counselling and nothing changed. RTFT

Starlight86 · 11/08/2022 13:12

doobydoobydooooo · 11/08/2022 10:41

She has said they've done counselling and nothing changed. RTFT

I read the thread, the counselling was 5 years ago and something must have changed/helped because she had another baby with him!!

Original poster
Ohno2 · 11/08/2022 14:54

The first time round I honestly thought it was me being too demanding, the support with my second so much less

OP posts:
handfan · 12/08/2022 15:35

Why don’t you just leave your kids with him and divorce? Life will be much worse when you divorce and stay with your kids by yourself.

The best solution for you to regain your life back is to leave your kids with him or perhaps foster care and live your life the way you want it.

0live · 12/08/2022 16:11

Hi @handfan and welcome to MN.

DonnaBanana · 12/08/2022 16:26

You don't need to be unhappy. You can draw a line under your romantic relationship, and get on with everything else. Unless you absolutely cannot live without a romantic relationship, of course. Otherwise, agree that you have a platonic co-parenting relationship, and carry on from there. Whether that means one or the other moves out sometime can be decided in the long run.

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