To ask if you will admit to being the golden child?

[Jumpstark]

I'm often struck by threads where loads of people come on to say their sibling was the golden child. Statistically, of course for every scapegoat there is also a golden child.

If you were a golden child, what was it like. Was it good or bad? And does it affect your adult relationship with your sibling?

Asking for insight as I'd like to mend bridges with my golden child sister. We were both loved but she was always the clever, brilliant one. I still have to hear every little thing about my nephews!

Well first of all, I'm not, but am fascinated by your question 🙂. My thinking is that a GC is unlikely to admit it, as by my understanding they have been raised to believe they do nothing wrong, so wouldn't believe they could be in a position of such negativity. I could be wrong so will wait & see....

I’ll ask my sister and get back to you…

Not really sure about the title of this thread, the "Golden Child" role is placed by the parent, it's not something that the child asked for or should worry about admitting is it? My experience does not entirely answer your question but I was one of three children where there were clear and distinctive roles when we were young, Golden child (older sister), Scapegoat (me), and my younger brother was basically ignored. But these roles did change, and I became the "Golden child", after my sister started getting older and breaking away from the rigid expectations of my mother (Drinking, pregnancy etc). I have to say, I think being the Golden child was really horrendous, a lot of gaslighting, conditions placed upon acceptance, higher expectations, constant vigilance on what I did, being used as therapist, problem solver etc. I went through a lot of counselling and I have did some reading, I have read that the scapegoat position can be the toughest but also the clearest. You KNOW what is happening is wrong, the scapegoat is the most likely to expose the unhealthy dynamics of the family and the most likely to break away. I am not longer in contact with my mother and my sister is back to Golden child status. I do not know how she copes with it all to be honest. I would not swap with her.

Thanks, maybe we are all strangely deluded and everyone thinks they are the scapegoat!!

I wish I had been! I was the clever but difficult child, then there was the nice helpful home-loving child, and the sporty musical child. That child was the youngest and although not a 'Golden Child' per se, did have more allowances made for them and they have not, perhaps, been as able to manage the practical things in life without help. Not because they aren't bright... Just because they have never had to.

By OP’s definition, I am - school, degree (a competitive one), post grad exams, jobs, marriage, friends and children all came to me with easily.
My sister is doing fine but had to work much harder for the first 3, wants to get married and have kids etc but it’s not happening. Has limited friends. But is a lovely person - so I don’t get it.
My dad gets on better with my sister our personalities clash. Otherwise, credit to my parents, they treat us equally.

(Personality clash is between my dad and me, not my sister and me)

Our golden child was the boy. The rest of us were definitely down the pecking order. My dm called me Wednesday's Child which I took to mean I was at the bottom.🤔

All too long ago to worry about. My brother still refuses to see that he was given advantages - encouraged to go to uni, to bring friends home, to take part in sport etc.

My sibling was the golden child but I turned out to be the golden adult in our fathers eyes.

Sorry I should have been clearer. I meant I was always told she was the clever one etc. Actually we both went to uni etc.

This is interesting. My sister finds it uncomfortable I think as she never tells much about her life.

I was the golden child and I resent it. It put a huge amount of pressure on me, taught me to define myself by my achievements, made me fear failure (I was never allowed to be human or make a mistake, as it was somehow edited and history rewritten. I couldn’t just fuck up like a normal person). I never learnt resilience, I felt huge pressure to keep up the image and live up to expectations and I grew up with very low self esteem.

I also hugely resent the fact that it set me apart from siblings and cousins and I resent their resentment and the fact that they dislike me now. I didn’t ask for it any more than they did. It’s not my fault they were treated badly, it wasn’t me who did it. I was also treated like someone else’s pawn.

My older sister was 'the golden child'. She knew she was and often used it to her advantage to get better Christmas and birthday presents etc.

As an adult it's been a struggle for her though. She finds criticism and rejection absolutely devastating. She's had to learn she is 'just average' and it's made her suicidal at times. She's anxious with the level of expectation placed upon her that she hasn't managed to achieve.

Our younger sister who was basically dismissed as 'the weird one' seems to have come out of it most unscathed and is actually the one closest to Mother now and is sorting out her care and financial arrangements as she gets older.

I think it depends on the personality of the parents and what they value. I am probably the GC for the same reasons as @Coffeewinecake I did well in school, quite bright, two degrees including professional qualification that my mother can brag about! I never gave them any trouble and was always reliable.

By contrast my brother is a narcissist and my sister didn't finish school. My brother has a massive chip on his shoulder about me being the GC but his narcissist personality has much to blame for that.

My sister probably feels sad about it. She mentions it regularly enough in a jokey self -deprecating way. I think she feels she let them down by not having more tangible achievements. She will always say that I got the best of their traits and she got the worst. She is right though, she has all their flaws but she overlooks that she is a lovely person. She compares herself to me which she shouldn't as doing that negates her positives. We are quite opposite so she feels that by me being the GC she is the opposite of that. She needs to have more confidence in herself because I know she feels a bit in my shadow at times.

Sorry I meant to add that for me it was a lot of pressure when I was a teenager/young adult as the expectations were so high. If I messed up I got disappointment whereas with my sibling's it was glossed over.
As an adult I realize it has given me confidence as I was always told I could achieve anything, that I was amazing, etc. I am definitely a much more confident adult than my siblings and I put it down to that.

DH is, if you asked him and his DSis they wouldn't think twice before answering. He can do no wrong in MIL's eyes. MIL also has eight GC and eight great GC but our eldest is also golden. She told him she only wants to live long enough to see him get married (he is engaged) but she said this before any of her GC were married.
DH and DC1 are referred to as golden balls and GB2 in their family. The favouritism extends not only to affection, the way they are treated but financially too, especially noticeable because MIL is notoriously mean with money.

If you were a golden child, what was it like. Was it good or bad? And does it affect your adult relationship with your sibling?

I was the golden child. I had to make sure that I was, because I didn't like the consequences that I saw bestowed on my older brother. He was always getting into trouble and being ' disruptive ', so a lot of attention was on that. My parents were highly dysfunctional, which is where the 'bad' behaviour stemmed from.

I had on one side my parents who hated each other and constantly fought and on the other side, the rest of the attention was on my brother and his perceived ' naughty ' behaviour.

I learned early on that the only way to survive was to make sure I was doing everything right and to continuously seek out adult praise, which I was given, a lot. This has not helped me as I've grown up, as I learnt as a child that I needed to be perfect and agreeable, otherwise my parents would not be happy with me.

I would say I grew up with immense guilt, that I was perceived and also treated better in general to my brother. I always wanted him to succeed more than me.

He is very smart and very successful now. I'm OK, but I struggle with low self esteem and depression etc. partly because I couldn't always shine as bright as I was made to believe I should. I find it hard to stand my ground and always think that I'm in the wrong and others are somehow better / wiser than me. My brother is a force of nature and won't let anyone stand in his way. He grew up knowing he was loved, even when he did wrong. I grew up knowing I was loved, only because I did right. That's not to say that me being the golden child didn't affect him. He talks about it a lot still and hasn't been able to move past it to a certain extent. I think he also has self esteem issues because of it, but he approaches it completely differently to me.

We have a wonderful relationship, it doesn't affect us as adults really.

I'll give an example, DH's sisters were expected to work hard all Summer in the family business for less money than DH was given to go out with his friends.

My cousin was and it screwed him up a lot. He's not capable of life and I actually think he should be on antidepressants and should have long term therapy as he lost the purpose of life. His relationship with sister is okay-ish, once they grew up, but few years back as early 20s, not so much. Lots of resentment going on.

My husband has "golden sister" and them (3 brothers) don't get on with her really well. Lots of bad memories etc. My husband refers to past very often saying how she always got better stuff, was never told off etc.

Also, I remember my parents saying to my older sister "just let it go, gossipgirl is younger, let her have it". I told my mum that my sis must have hated me when we were children and she just laughed. I don't know why my parents did it and why they thought that rule of being younger = let her have it, will work good long term, because it didn't.

I was with my grandparents.
I was the favourite out of all the grandchildren.
I didnt know that when I was a child but it was obvious when I was an adult. It was embarrassing tbh.

Being the golden child isn't just defined about which child is the most academically or sportively successful. On paper, that would be but I'm very definitely not the golden child!

In fact, much of my success is down to the fact that I needed to feel as valued as my golden sibling, so I worked damned hard to achieve what I have.

I should tell you, it doesn't work!

*on paper that would be me

Isn't it a bit subjective?

I mean, I saw all the stuff my brother got away with that I was punished for, all the parental time and investment spent on his chosen activities. He saw people endlessly comparing my school result to his, my classroom behaviour to his more ebullient manner, etc etc.

I saw my parents bail him out of situation after situation when I'd believed it when they said they wouldn't help. He felt they thought I was a great parent and he was a lousy one.

I'd say he was the favourite, he might say I was.

My kids are the same - thay don't see the times we are especially lenient or indulgent towards them, but they spot indulgence towards their siblings. "S/he gets away with everything!"

I am the golden adult, my brother was the golden child.