To ask if you will admit to being the golden child?

[Jumpstark]

I'm often struck by threads where loads of people come on to say their sibling was the golden child. Statistically, of course for every scapegoat there is also a golden child.

If you were a golden child, what was it like. Was it good or bad? And does it affect your adult relationship with your sibling?

Asking for insight as I'd like to mend bridges with my golden child sister. We were both loved but she was always the clever, brilliant one. I still have to hear every little thing about my nephews!

Over many decades, I think all 3 off us were intermittently GC/scapegoat, a bit like a toxic weatherhouse with the little people popping in and out. A lot depended on who had dared to "upset" her (a mild challenge to her ultimate authority would do it) /who was best placed to provide the most goodies or reflected glory at the time.

She's dead now. All of us get along fine. We know what she was like.

@Shortpoet fist pump back at you !

I think the dynamic is probably quite common ! I had a lot of therapy to make a bit more sense of why I always feel less than inside. You'd never know I feel that way if you didn't know me well.

I was the golden child….and although I was slightly aware of it at the time, it’s only now as an adult can I look back and see how shit it must have been for my sister.

When I was the GC I was just in my own little bubble with no real thought about the consequences of me being ‘favoured’ but looking back on it now I really hate to think how my sister must have felt for years and years, always feeling like she wasn’t good enough.

Me and my sister were always close though, we still are (almost 40) but deep down I’m sure there’s some resentment there for how her childhood was marred by my existence.

It's interesting hearing the comments behind the reason why there was a scapegoat is their bad behaviour... makes you wonder if the bad behaviour came after the realising/feeling of being a scapegoat.

My Brother’s nickname for me was ‘golden child’ .

to be fair to him, we were treated differently by DF.

my brother is bright, but was really naughty as a kid- always getting in trouble. ( in retrospect, I think it was ADHD)

I was always top of the class, good grades, uni career etc. I was also better behaved ( though far from perfect)

I think my dad loved us equally, but I was the ‘easier’ child.

it’s caused huge damage to my brother. He’s really messed up, and has been hugely resentful of me for years. We barely have a relationship and he bitches about me to anyone who listens. I’ve tried so hard to be friends, but it’s never worked.

I really sympathise with my brother, but think we’ve both suffered.

Thank you for all your comments.

It's really interesting to read it from the other side and I think it will help me be a little more understanding.

I was bought up by Nan and I was the eldest and I was definitely the favourite.
we all laugh about it , and it’s a standing joke. No one cared

My sister feels guilty for being the golden child, and I did find it very tough as a scapegoat child. The dynamics have definitely given us both issues. But we love each other so much and we can talk honestly about how messed up things were. Both roles had their downsides. As adults though, my parents are a much bigger part of her life and expect so much from her. My Dad is really demanding. He barely talks to me anymore which is by far the better of the two options from my point of view. I have been free to live my life on my terms with no interference where as she is completely entangled.

My parents did very well. As is often the case, each of my sisters and I had quite different upbringings within the same family and mine was the strictest because I was the oldest. My youngest sister appeared to be the favourite when we were growing up, possibly because she was a pretty and sweet-tempered child. We've acknowledged the fact that she felt pushed into that role because "the tomboy" and "the clever one" were already taken. My mother grew up seeing her older brother being openly favoured in every way by their parents and I think this made her determined not to let the same thing happen in her own family. I wonder if it might have been different if one of us had been a boy.

Mum's parents went on to cast her brother's son as their golden grandchild despite him having few endearing features. On paper he has done less well than the rest of us in adulthood, but I suspect if he'd been scapegoat rather than GGC he'd have played out the "bad 'un" script and done a lot worse.

@Legoisaws8om I was never naughty but certainly looking back I recognise the times I displayed attention seeking behaviour was because I was witnessing the difference in how my sibling and I were treated...I couldn't have begun to articulate it then. My father still thinks I'm "demanding" and "high maintenance" but that's because to this day he largely ignores me and I tend to just come out and say something like can I have your attention for a few minutes.

I definitely think you've hit a nail on the head with your observation.

Both my sister and I were the golden child. I always say that one sign that we had the best parents was that we were both sure we were the favourite😂

I was the golden child and it was/is shit. My sister could just be herself, I ended up the people pleaser that didn't dare disappoint anyone (so full of anxiety and struggle to cope with any sort of failure). I kept stuff bottled up, stayed married far longer than I should have and have struggled with my mental health. My sister is far happier than me.

Neither of us are particularly close to our parents though.

Pretty sure I was and even maybe still am the golden child.

I was the eldest, well-behaved, top of the class and pretty, and my dad loved to boast about my achievements.

Of course I never saw that at the time, I thought I was ugly, friendless, isolated, unpopular. I loved my siblings but it's a miracle they didn't resent me, or if they did, kept it very well hidden. They're genuinely lovely people and have always been very charitable about it - at least to my face.

When we all grew up, jokey comments started to surface in a fairly good natured way, and it was only then that I reflected on it all and saw it.

I'm not sure it does the person any favours. It probably stunted my development as a sociable human being, maybe gave me an unhelpful sense of entitlement in my early career. I was intellectually a bit arrogant but that might be just the school success.

I did fall from grace a fair few times, but then picked myself up and rose up again.

All in all I'm a positive and grateful adult now. Not entitled or narcissistic, but I fear in other circumstances it could have gone that way.

No. My brother definitely is. However when my dad was alive completely different story

I am very sure that my mum loves me very much but we are very different people and it's understandable

I'd have to ask my brother, he of the golden balls. I most definitely wasn't the GC but I've done OK. Did me a favour as I got out and got my own place very young. He is still waiting to grow up!

@007DoubleOSeven yes I do feel my DH is the scapegoat of his family but I will admit he does react very strongly to things that happen and I know his family are not close with him and suspect (in fact I know from a heated text conversation with my SIL who is probbaly more the golden child) they believe his behaviour is what caused them to be distant/find it hard to accept him however I often wonder if the way he reacts is a actually a result of early preferential treatment of his siblings or has he always found certain things emotionally hard (I do suspect he has ADHD) and therfore reacted strongly as a child causing the siblings to dislike him. I've learnt alot from the way he views things and family.

Interestingly I probably am the golden child and my brother resents me but it hasn't been deliberate. I've naturally been more academic and social than my brother. But I also reflect on pp about anxiety of disappointing my parents is high, I would feel extreme worry about something very minor if I made a mistake at school, I worry very much about upsetting people and am a strong people pleaser. I also find criticism very hard to take and overthink/replay lots in my head that I think many people wouldn't think twice. I don't know what came first. Did my parents expect more which caused my anxiety or did I just have that personality always (hiding it well) and therefore my parents treated me like I had no issues and achieve well etc.

I think my sister would say I was the golden child. But it wasn't a role my parents enforced upon me.

I have always been good, studious, never in trouble by nature. She was a nightmare from hitting puberty - rebellious, rude, violent, early sex with inappropriate boys, smoking etc. Her relationship with our parents has never recovered and she still treats them horribly today.

I don't like her because I don't trust her moods, but she actually does like me. I think all her anger is on my parents rather than me.

@Jumpstark thank you for starting this. I've found interesting hearing all the comments as I've always struggled about understanding DH family dynamics. When I read about golden child/scapegoat it can be how his family dynamics present however as said previously my DH can react emotionally strongly to things that I wonder what came first. But the more I read and research the more and see things experience that regardless of which way round it is, his fsmily will never let the past be the past and be more inclusive like he wants them to be.

I’m not golden child but The golden grandchild. My nan was very fond of me. And only me. She gave me new car as a 19th birthday present. No other grandkids got any presents what so ever. Always be golden child. Its messed up my sisters though. They both really got low self esteem growing up, because always compared to me by my nan. Its upsetting if i remember now. But back then i’m teenager and i dont think too much.

@Jumpstark

Did you mean GC in terms of the dynamics of family where there are narcissistic traits present, or just favoured children? Because there is a big difference that seems to have been lost a bit in this thread?

Happened slightly in my immediate family growing up but can’t say it affected us as adults.

however in my cousins, it was clear as day of the 4 children there were openly 2 favourites. In adulthood the 2 GC are NC/LC with both parents and the 2 scapegoats hang around vying for the attention of the parents. Their relationship as siblings is very sad as they’ve inherited their mothers mentality...although I will say none of them appear to have a GC of their own...

My brother admits to being the golden child but it seems to have left him as damaged as the rest of us. He doesn't trust people's good views of him and is full of pent up anger. He was never allowed to express negative feelings because of the higher expectations.

My sister was the golden child of both our parents, for different reasons. I know this because, despite being a very 'good' girl (clever, musical, lively), by my mid teens I had to face the truth that nothing I did was ever good enough for either of my parents. Asked them who their favourite was, &, independently of each other, both told me my sister.

As an adult I've struggled massively with confidence in all areas of my life; took til my 40s, and lots of therapy, to start to overcome depression & start to gain some confidence. I'm poor though, and struggle financially, as sadly have been unable to sustain a career. By contrast my sister has always been very confident and is now successful, popular and wealthy.

In our 20s I tried to discuss her GC status with her, and the positive effects this has had on her(and negative effects on me of being the unloved/unwanted child). She refused to acknowledge her GC status; complete denial of my point of view. For her, being GC was the 'norm'; she accepted our parents' view that I was the 'difficult' one (I really wasn't!) and believed wholeheartedly that she deserved her favoured position. She simply doesn't see that our parents were unfair in their unequal treatment of us and has always been happy to believe she deserves all the advantages she's had in our family because she believes that she is, somehow, more worthy. Strangely though she's not happy with my increased self confidence as I've got older, so maybe being the GC isn't everything?

As adults I've had to go low vlc with her, sadly. Her attitudes towards me seem to continue the damaging attitudes our parents had towards me, and I've had enough of living with these painful distortions.

Our parents treated us very differently and I think of myself as the golden child, and my older brother the scapegoat. In our house, this distinction was enforced by fear. My brother was physically abused and blamed for being 'difficult' whereas I was praised for being quiet and bookish.

I deeply regret that I bought into this narrative and blamed my brother for 'provoking' our dad. I also wiped the memory of the abuse.

We are both now LC with our parents and have a good relationship with each other. I won't ever forgive my parents for what they did to my brother, and I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for not standing up for him and supporting him better.

Sending hugs to all the scapegoats

I was the golden child till I became a rebellious teen. My brother has been the golden child ever since. I am the black sheep.