To ask if you will admit to being the golden child?

[Jumpstark]

I'm often struck by threads where loads of people come on to say their sibling was the golden child. Statistically, of course for every scapegoat there is also a golden child.

If you were a golden child, what was it like. Was it good or bad? And does it affect your adult relationship with your sibling?

Asking for insight as I'd like to mend bridges with my golden child sister. We were both loved but she was always the clever, brilliant one. I still have to hear every little thing about my nephews!

My grandmother was like this and it really didn't go well for her in her later years when the less favoured children were less willing to pull their weight with her, and the favoured grandchild realised they were unfairly favoured and withdrew.

I was the golden child, my sisters hated it but my brothers didn't care so much.

My younger sister & I were always treated the same by our parents, and her & I have always had a good relationship. However, she would always say - and still does - that I am the Princess of the family. This is because I studied hard, received excellent grades & attended Uni. I now have a high paying job. Now i''m not telling you all this because I am bragging - my sister gave my parents three beautiful grandchildren & me 2 gorgeous nieces & 1 handsome nephew. So I always say that we are equal & our parents are proud of us both.

My mum says I'm her favourite but I'm not sure why because I definitely wasn't a golden child.

And she is likely telling my other siblings that they are her favourite when I'm not there lol.

Not me
Elder sister was the golden girl and she took full advantage of the role.
£10,000s went to her to support her champagne lifestyle on her mild ale wages. It all was ignored by the eldest sibling but I took a backward step for many years.
When the last parent died GG stole £££ from the estate. Didn't even turn up for the funeral.
We are now NC for at least 15 years.

Interesting question.

Would also be interesting to ask: do you have a golden child?
I suspect most parents on here would say no, and yet that can't be true.

Sometimes it feels that current parents think we have transcended bad parenting, and now live in a state in between previous bad parenting practices and nightmare MILs, where we've now all got it sussed.

I wonder if from parents perspctive the golden child is often just the easier child, who you find less challenging, gives you fewer problems and worries, and maybe who you just get? These factors are picked up on by the child with the temperament you find more difficult and resentment builds.

In reality parent child relationships are an intercation between the parents and childs personalities, and not just a good practice applied to a blank slate model it's often portrayed as being.
Some combinations work better than others.

Apparently I am the golden child.

One of my siblings literally refers to me constantly as being the golden child. I just skip through life and things get handed to me on a plate, apparently.

I think it stems from the fact that I was very academic at school, and our father works in academia, and because she was less academic she really felt second best. She also wanted to go into the career I did before DC, and she did not get the university grades in order to do it.

From my point of view, I've had a pretty tough time of it. I was literally friendless throughout school, bullied horrendously, got into a very abusive relationship when I went to uni, have had a lot of ill health and lost 5 pregnancies including late losses, which sent me to a very dark place. I am also not nearly as financially successful as either of my siblings. However, when I get anything nice, my sister is absolutely furious about it. For example, my PIL paid for me to go to Disneyland Paris with them and the rest of my husbands family. My sister complained loudly about the unfairness of me and my children going when she had never been until my parents bought her a trip for Christmas that year (I got an Aldi Candle and twiggy room scent thing instead)...... Make of that what you will!

I think golden child on here is vastly overused by people who are trying to make a point.

And actually the only family I know in RL where I'd say there is an obvious golden child who gets away with anything is actually quite a sad reason. That is his mum had bad PND when he was born and still (he's an adult) struggles to bond with him. She adores his sister, but really isn't keen on him. She knows that's a problem so she lavishes everything on him. So is her the golden child or not?

Thinking of me and my siblings growing up:
Me and dsis would have said dbro was the golden child. He got much more than we got, got away with everything. He would tell you that he was the scapegoat and hardly got anything.
The real situation was that dbro was younger than us. Parents had more money for doing things and less energy for dealing with issues. So he got more physical things and behaviour we would never have got away with was ignored.

But also I got away with things dsis didn't get away with, but that was because I was better at dealing with things.
Dsis: It's not fair that you never let me do anything and all I want is to do this little thing and you never treat me right. I bet you won't even read this letter about the trip I want to go on.... <slam door>
[Response: Don't slam that door etc]
Me: Dad, I've brought you a cup of tea and a biscuit. You know how you were telling me about the time you went to Cornwall and tried surfing. <listens to his stories for a while> There's a trip at school, but it's a bit expensive. Can I earn the money to pay for it..?
[Dad pays for it]

But growing I felt that I was treated as lesser importance because life for me was regarded as being "easy". That was, looking back, because of the way I interacted with people, and tended to take life as it came rather than arguing with it straight on.
I used to feel that if I was every complimented by anyone to my parents they promptly compared me negatively to one of my siblings.

So who was the scapegoat/golden child? I don't think there was one. We were different personalities born at different times who over time most things evened out. Just you tend to remember the time when it was unfair because your sibling got something and you didn't and not the other way round.

That's interesting.

My sibling will freely acknowledge they're the golden child. We've never discussed how it may have effected them, but I think such a chat might be on the horizon. From my point of view, the love the attention they get - although this isn't a criticism, they respond to it in the way any of us would.

I don't think they've ever known how to handle the disparity in how we've been / are treated and I can't say I blame them, how do you expect a child to know?

As an adult, I've learned to focus on my own relationship with my parents and try to switch off to noticeable disparity. It's not my sibling's fault and I do not want to be bitter.

I was the golden child until my daughter was born! She has taken the mantle and hates it as much as I did. So much pressure and smothering attention. My brother resented me but my DS is happy that his GM only has eyes for DD

I overheard them refer to me as mommy’s little favourite on a few occasions & thought it was a joke. When mom died I realized it was true. I think I just got on better with her than they did & it caused jealousy.

I can honestly say (and DSis would agree with me) that our parents treated us very equally, respecting our different skills and abilities etc. However, to our maternal grandparents, especially my grandmother, I was very much the Golden Child and they would prioritise me, give me treats, offer me financial help with things I wanted to do, as much as they could get away with without my parents (and then me as I got older) objecting. I don’t know what their reasons were other than that I spent a lot of time with them as a toddler because my sister was quite poorly when she was a baby.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it as a young child but as I grew up it made me increasingly uncomfortable, I had a constant battle to downplay my own achievements to them, redress the balance when they were talking about my sister, resist the gifts. When I had my own DDs my grandmother behaved the same way towards them, having a special name for our eldest and going as far as to plan a trust fund for her future education as if her sister didn’t exist (we told her outright that any money was to be divided equally between them).
I don’t know how to advise you about mending bridges with your sister as I’ve no idea what her response is to the treatment you’ve each received. If she’s anything like me she will not have enjoyed it as much as it might appear. My sister teases me gently about being ‘perfect’ but occasionally she’ll mention something the way she perceived it and it hurts a bit because it’s not so clear cut. But I try and remember that through her eyes it must have looked the way she remembers it and how upsetting it was for her. What possesses people to treat their offspring so unfairly I’ll never understand.

Interesting question!
I'm definitely not the golden child, but not a scapegoat either... sort of fell in the middle then got a bit of attention because I happened to pop out the first baby.

My parents never showed any sort of favouritism. Me and DB were always equal. But our grandparents are another story...
Maternal GDM always fell over herself about my cousin. He went to a private school, is a doctor blah blah. But he was also pretty estranged so saw little of him, even now he rocks up around Xmas and birthdays to get money then disappears again... he definitely knows and doesn't care. Between me and my DB she sort of favoured me and my DB has been mostly ignored- to the point DGM regularly forgets he has a baby and little DN is being overlooked. I feel so sorry for DB but after 30+ years he just doesn't care anymore.

Paternal GP, DGF favoured me but died when I was v young. DGM barely hid her disdain for me and DB to the point we were excluded from her will in favour of golden child cousin (still a little salty over that because we lost a lot of things of my late dad like photos rather than any money). I have always disliked GC because of the way he was elevated but at DGMs funeral he told me how he hated what that did to his relationship with the wider family (because no one wanted to be around him) and that the 'achievements' were often exaggerated or made up entirely. His parents also saw him as GC and largely ignored his sibling. He's pretty much completely estranged from his whole family now because of it.

So I guess the GC knew it and hated it, at least on the paternal side.

Would also be interesting to ask: do you have a golden child?
I suspect most parents on here would say no, and yet that can't be true.
I would say that Ds2 was my favourite for many years as he was no trouble, made me laugh and very close to me. Ds1 was quite abrupt and surely and I often felt drained by him during his teen years.
The minute he hit adulthood he changed so much and became much more personable, so liable and now I enjoy spending time with all 6 of us at least a couple of times a week.
They rib me and ask who is favourite but the answer is always the same and true - the one that isnt giving me grief!🤣

I was the golden child but only because the bar was v low - my brother is a very difficult person and always has been.

@Jumpstark
Are you me? I could have written this post word for word!
Throw in a cane-wielding evil headmaster that I was terrified of (no exaggeration, he went to prison for child abuse) and dancing tutors that thought the way to get excellence from their pupils was to scream that they were rubbish (as opposed to inspiring them). It’s taken me 40 something years to untangle my feelings about authority and learn it’s ok not to worry about pleasing everyone.

Solidarity fist bump

My sister was the golden child when we were kids. As we got older, the roles reversed in they she was always the well behaved and quiet one but then met the wrong man, lived off benefits and it all went a bit wrong. She’s still the golden child despite me working hard and forging my own career etc. My mum is always hand wringing about my ‘poor’ sister and gives her a lot of financial and emotional support whereas I get nothing.
My sister knows full well she is the golden one but denies it although it’s very obvious to everyone else

My dad has a brother who was always given more money, a larger inheritance, went to a better school. DF got very little. DM used to be very annoyed by that on his behalf. DF was never that bothered by it. Looking at their childhood photos I can clearly see that the golden brother was a vulnerable-looking child. His parents must have worried about him. As an adult he has done well and is happy but I think maybe that’s because his parents went the extra mile. DF has done well too - on his own steam - and both brothers get on very well. It had never occurred to DF that his brother was vulnerable until I showed him
the photos.

My brother is the GC. Funnily we both live abroad from our parent. I’m NC and he’s LC. He can tolerate her much better than I can and does the internal eye roll. He’s was a drug addict and alcoholic for many years but still favoured and fawned over. Maybe he needed it more than I did. I don’t begrudge him because I love him and wish the best for him. Wouldn’t be surprised if I’m cut out of the will. While that would sting on some level, I’d still be happy for my DB if he isn’t.

Hmm. Some of the posts above are a bit more than GC, a bit nastier. BusinessDon said her sister used it to her Advantedge to get better Christmas presents.

I was not the GC, but I was definitely the easiest. My 2 older brothers have different personalities. Although I have a medical condition from aged 1, my mum says personality wise I was a dream, easy, content, just the easiest child ever.

Ds1 has been so difficult he's bought me to my knees. He's more stimulating though. Ds2 is just easy, no trouble.

I was the golden child although my sister was not the "scapegoat". We were both loved and treated equally but I was the intelligent, quiet one; easier to handle than my sister who was more extroverted, went out, got drunk etc. I guess now I'm the golden adult too. My sister is more successful than I am now (despite me being the intelligent one who went to university) but I had difficult times and our parents helped me out a lot. I'm also more thoughtful than my sister who is only concerned with what other people can do for her. She always has to have the best, be the best etc.

It has affected our relationship sadly. I would love to get on with her but she seems to hate it when I have a success. I can only assume she thinks of this as her being less successful. I'd love to have a good relationship with her, I equally can't have a relationship with someone who only wants to feel superior to me and so we don't. We don't talk, we don't see each other, I only know what she's up to through our parents. It's sad for me, I don't think she cares.

I don't know what advice I can give though. I do feel better for getting that off my chest though!

I was the golden child, at least in my dad's eyes. We were extremely close and my brother never had that relationship with him. I was probably closer to my mum than he was too because he caused alot of problems in our house due to his behaviour (police called and he eventually moved out). My mum always stood by him. After my parents divorced I was still really close to my dad whereas my brother wasn't too bothered about seeing him. My mum actually said to my dad infront of me "well it's obvious that Funky is your favourite" and my dad said "yes, that's right, she is" but it wasn't really surprising given our closeness. I don't think my brother was bothered, or maybe his behaviour was partly because of it. I really don't know. But it's never been an issue between us and has never been mentioned

Thanks, maybe we are all strangely deluded and everyone thinks they are the scapegoat!!

I think in some family dynamics, that's true - the scapegoat gets moved around as fits the adult's mood and people are likely to remember those painful memories more. My parents pit my siblings and I against each other so much, I think we were all the scapegoat and they were their own golden child...

Also it can be a difference in perspective: I've heard it argued that I was my maternal grandparents 'golden grandchild', I spent a lot of time with them as a child, helped with my grandmother's care from a young age and I was the one my grandfather helped the most as a young adult even though I was never around because I left the area and never returned. In his final years, I had a family member get really really mad he was talking about me when I 'didn't even send him a birthday present'.

My perspective is my grandfather, who always argued family was the most important thing, felt guilty because my mother, as at least my grandmother's golden child, was allowed to get away with a lot of abusive shite right in front of them and neither of them stopped it. Literally arrested at their house for endangering me, and they laughed about her coming back to their house where I was living from being arrested in front of me. I think he had a lot of guilt around how my mother turned out and how she didn't have his values, but also could never drop the family always no matter what ideals. Rather than argue with my mother or anyone about how they treated me, he sent me one cheque about 9 months after I left the area which was a big help and then we sent letters to each other, the rare phone call. I certainly never felt I was special to him, I felt I was almost an embarrassment, that I was proof his ideals could be harmful and couldn't fix everything.

In our house it was the princess aka golden child, the baby and middle child syndrome!

Over the last few years me (the baby) and Princess GC have come to realise that middle child is actually the GC, and its definition isnt the usual! Middle child GC has done some god awful shit and been bailed out by us her siblings and our parents so many times yet our parents never call her on her shit and she gets away with so much that us other two would be held accountable for or wouldn't actually dream of doing!

Middle child doesn't see it that way and still likes to throw her pity parties, throw her weight around with her demands, it's partly why I have nothing to do with her anymore.

My husband is very openly the favourite in his family - his parents and even his grandparents don't hide it or pretend they're all equal and, like someone else mentioned upthread, his nickname is GB for Golden Balls. Now we have children we are openly called 'The Favourite Family'. It has ruined his relationship with his brother and sisters who, quite understandably, resent him for it. It's not his fault and he's definitely always been a nicer and easier child to deal with than they were, but I wonder how much of that was caused by the inequities in how they were treated.

He wasn't ever that bothered by the situation and always found it a bit of a joke until he met me and got to see the other side - in my family my brother is quite obviously the golden child. My mother always denies it but my brother himself and my father both quite openly acknowledge it, as do all other family members. Even my in laws commented that you could see my mother's face light up whenever his name is mentioned (they know they do the same with my husband but the difference is they don't deny it). My husband couldn't help seeing the difference in attitude towards and gets very annoyed on my behalf, he finds it shocking and has started to see how it could have affected his brother and sisters. If anything seeing the other side of it has helped him to begin to mend some fences with them.

From my point of view I don't really care. Logically I can acknowledge it's unfair, particularly as my brother has always been a fairly selfish cokehead whereas I have travelled and got the education, had the good career, provided the lovely granchildren etc. It's also an unspoken rule that it's my job to help care for my parents now they're older. Realistically despite the unfair division of affection I know they love us both equally. My parents have been generous enough to both of us as we've needed it, for different things and at different times. If anything I am my father's favourite but as he's fairly unpleasant and never actually says anything nice to either of us, that's not much consolation! I don't feel overall that I've missed out on anything much but I am determined not to treat my own daughters that way.

For my brother he finds the attention quite tiresome. There aren't any expectations of behaviour put on him but he's begun to find our mother's fawning over him quite embarrassing. As we get older it has seem to become even more obvious and he feels a bit bad for me. He's worried people will look badly upon him for it but actually I think it's our mother who mostly looks silly.