To ask if you will admit to being the golden child?

[Jumpstark]

I'm often struck by threads where loads of people come on to say their sibling was the golden child. Statistically, of course for every scapegoat there is also a golden child.

If you were a golden child, what was it like. Was it good or bad? And does it affect your adult relationship with your sibling?

Asking for insight as I'd like to mend bridges with my golden child sister. We were both loved but she was always the clever, brilliant one. I still have to hear every little thing about my nephews!

What? I don't have a brother. It's a genuine question.

I had two much older brothers, both now sadly dead.

After our mum died we were chatting about which of us had been her favourite.

I said elder brother.
Elder brother said younger brother,
Younger brother said me,

Perfectly circular, a bit like “rock, paper, scissors”.

Mum did well to share her affection so equally.

@entropynow

Apologies I wasn’t referring to you, just the poster you had quoted.

Interesting question - I was the golden child for my dad. He adored me from the off and my older brother was challenging (he would have all sorts of diagnosis these days) so I fulfil the criteria there. My dad had a very strained relationship with my brother and they rarely spoke, even when dad was dying. It was very unfair on my brother.

my mother was more equal (they were separated) - she recognises my more standard achievements but also my brothers more out there ones. He has always been considered to be more intelligent then me (I make all the money though 😂).

i think my mother bends over backwards to make exceptions for my brother - he is largely absent from her life but if he ever participates he is fawned over and there is much rejoicing about having him ‘back’. Reader, it never lasts. I think the fact he is absent from my mothers life means she actually has ended up placing huge value on any tokenism from him.

I am 100% the golden child. I am by far and away easily the worst if you use any metric to compare us as well

Definitely not as a kid, quite the reverse. But in adulthood I was by default as my brother’s such a shitty human being. Both my parents are dead now so I guess it doesn’t matter any more.

I’m the golden child.

Youngest child born after a big gap, and at a time where the family were going through a very tough time so probably seen as a very welcome distraction and new chapter.

My siblings are fantastic and we all get along well but there’s a clear difference in their experiences growing up, and mine. To be fair, I think I was just an easier child and teen than some of my siblings who were quite wild. They get pissed off at the fact that I had more freedom, was given a car for my 17th birthday, allowed have boyfriends stay over.

There can be some sneery comments thrown my way, but nothing too bad.

I’m grateful to my siblings. They paved the way for me to have an easier time of things.

I’m so interested to read this.

EXH was an emotionally abusive narc. DD is clearly his golden child and DS is his scapegoat.

it’s hard for them both and has really strained the relationship between them.

I always wondered if DD (now 16) will ever realise, in her life, that she is the GC. She doesn’t conceptualise it that way, of course. But reading here, it seems as if one day she will realise. That gives me hope.

@MintJulia Wednesdays child is full of woe

Yes, my brother did. After he got sober, after months of therapy and family therapy (with just me), he realised we had been raised by a Narc, who’d spent our entire lives pitting us against each other, causing no end of relationship issues between us, amongst other things.

We both have CPTSD, he has addiction issues on top.

Scape goat or golden child, both come with a heavy price to pay as adults

I am the middle of 3 kids. My elder sister is Golden Girl, I am the Favoured Child, and my brother is No 1 Son. 🤣 it’s a joke that we all say the others are the favourite.

However, I’d say I’m the closest to my mum (I’m single and childless - not for want of trying to have kids, but with good job, doing ‘worthy’ work, 3 degrees, and live close to parents. ) I do have a difficult relationship with my father, though
My siblings are both partnered up, with kids. I miss that, and the relationships they have with our parents through this. It does make me feel left out.

My mum will admit I was by far the most difficult teenager, and the one she professes to worry about most. I have had significant health (physical & mental) issues as an adult, which neither of my siblings have had. So, although my siblings might say that I’m still the Favoured Child, i don’t feel that it’s meant life has turned out ‘best’ for me.

My partner and I have decided to only have one child because we were both elder siblings to a younger golden child (in both cases a brother).

It just destroys both the sibling relationship and parent/child relationship. My mother provided me with a perfect childhood in terms of private schools, private tutors, organic food, etc etc, but my relationship with both her and my brother is cool due to her blind favouritism to my younger brother.

Name changed

Children of narcissistic parents switch in and out of golden child and scapegoat status depending on whether they are pleasing or 'annoying' the parent at any given time. It really is that shallow.
There is a lot of pressure on the children of narcissists, no matter which role they are in. There is a lot of playing them off against one another, shaming one and praising the other, giving money/ rewards to one and not to the other and many other toxic behaviours.
The outward appearance of the family is used to camouflage what is actually is going on within the family in reality; often domestic abuse, addictions etc, usually where the parents will not been seen in a good light, so the childrens' achievements are used to mask and distract away from this.
It is not the fault of any of the children which role they were given or are seen to have at any moment as the roles are decided by the parents. Though the children will often play up to the roles as they get rewarded for doing so etc. The patterns can even continue into adulthood and usually do, with the golden child still pandering to the parents, gossiping to the family about or bringing down the 'bad' sibling and shaming/ bullying the sibling in an effort to get them to be 'better' or more like how the parents would deem acceptable, while maintaining their own golden child status.

DH and I felt that our siblings were the 'golden' ones. We were quiet and independent-minded. Funny thing is, they are bossy, loud, entitled, and always put themselves first, perhaps as a result of being indulged - it obviously hasn't done them any good. DH used to say that the two of them 'would make a right pair.' I think it made us resentful, which again, isn't ideal.

In reality, DH was MIL's fave and I think she bent over backwards to indulge BIL in an effort to hide it - and a psychiatrist would have had a field day. Funny things, families.

I'm clearly my dad's favourite so you could say I am the golden child...my mum is more equal with her affections towards us. I find it embarrassing more than anything. My dad talks about me like I'm some sort of saint (which I am most definitely not) and I can feel everyone's eye rolling when he starts and there has been some resentment towards me from my siblings. He would get more angry/upset with me though if I did something wrong whilst my siblings got off easier because he expected it from them and not me.

My brother was the golden child, probably right through to mid 20s. It's changed now we're adults.

I think me and my brother probably each think the other is the GC. He’s had a lot of academic struggles and life has been harder so he gets away with some ridiculous stuff. These things came ‘easier’ to me but I ended up with quite serious mental health probs as a teenager from the pressure to keep achieving and the guilt of finding life easier. I’m sure my parents love us equally but we’ve just had very different needs over the years.

My youngest sibling (half sibling in a family of 5) is/was the golden child by an insane amount. Hugely favoured by both parents, just in every way and obvious to all - even non family members.

Unfortunately he is now a deeply troubled man, apparently diagnosed with BPD and PTSD. He has cut off contact with his mother in the past couple of years (same Dad different Mum) and our father has been dead over 10 years. He is the most mentally unwell person I have ever met and he blames it all on his childhood. Still refusing any medication.

What's really interesting is that so many posters link good behaviour/being the easy child with being the golden child.
And equally interesting that people think the scapegoat is ultimately better off because they find it easier to escape.
I'm the scapegoat for one simple reason - I'm female. Men in my house held an elevated status. For my mum, I was the only one in the house who had a lower social position than her because I was a younger woman.
My younger brother is the GC - I know he knows it and I'm pretty sure he believes he deserves it.

DH is/was the GC. He wouldn't use that language and finds it hard to acknowledge - mostly when he does it's because he's so embarrassed. He's come out of it okay in the end, but I'd argue that some of the problems he had with his life and career in his 20s/30s was because he had spent his entire childhood being told everything he did was perfect and when he behaved badly, his mum's attitude was to leave it.

He and SIL are very close actually, which is great. Neither of them sees what i see however - she was the scapegoat and as a result she has been very very damaged. To this day, she is constantly over compensating and takes on way too much responsibility to attempt to make everyone happy. Even when it means twisting herself into a pretzel and even if the other person doesn't deserve her efforts. And she does it while subconsciously deeply resenting it so it always backfires... perpetuating this idea that SHE is the problem.

I find it extraordinarily frustrating.

This is very relevant. I’m favoured by my dad as my siblings were more difficult (understatement think serious crime and addiction) but felt the need to be loyal to my mum so was very anti him as the relationship (they were divorced) was so acrimonious. Now I can finally get on with him but don’t mention this to my mother even now. Mother favoured my brother probably because he was obviously vulnerable but I really tried to overcompensate and landed up with serious mental health difficulties. I don’t think this was a true golden child scenario. My mum was the scapegoat of her narcissistic mother and she was doing the best she could having come from really awful dysfunction herself. Her GC brother was the only one sent to uni and supported. He was actually a decent man. All the other siblings (3) were told they were on their own from 18. She was cut out of any inheritance etc. I had a difficult time/childhood and my mental health only started stabilising mid twenties but I know she loves me as best she can she just doesn’t do emotional connection and validation because she can’t. Hugely different to a narc parent.

I was thinking that reading the op.
I think my sibling and I are pretty equal.
but reading it made me think about how I have to hear about how wonderful my nephews are. But I suspect in reality my brother probably has to hear how wonderful my kids are.

My (younger) twin sister would probably say that I was the golden child though not really sure. My youngest sister was also a bit of a golden child. I found school easy, went to uni to study to do my dream job (teacher), I'm engaged and have a young son. I always seemed to have good relationships with people and was often held as the more responsible one and put in charge of supervising my sisters. On the other hand my twin has not achieved like I have, found her teenage years very difficult, was punished more for things as a child and became a secret binge eater as a child. Within the last couple of years she has blamed me for ruining her life (I have done nothing) and blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life and has told others that she hates me all because of being a 'golden child'.

I was the black sheep but am now the golden adult child. I am the only one who rings her every few days, we talk about everything. I live 6000 miles away, siblings less than 6 miles. I bask in the glory, especially when one of the others pisses her off 😀

In my family my brother was a golden child, without a doubt. My parents would never admit it, but he was.
They always beat me, he was always kissed, hugged and cuddled. There is not one single family picture where my parents hold me and hug me, hundreds of his. My parents never hugged, kissed, cuddled with me, always with him. When he go older he was bought a car, a two bedroom apartment, paid for a big wedding.
I ran away as soon as I could and now I have a family of my own and I got everything I wanted as a child. I have two children and I'm very careful to treat them the same. My brother married 7 years before me, but his marriage is pure hell. They both say so, not like I'm inventing something.
My mother once told me once he was born, I didn't exist for her amymore, so that must be it.
Now decades later, they almost never talk. I have a good phone relationship with my parents, but I never visit them alone, just if my husband is with me. I'm happy, but because we live three hours away.