Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

Fair point I don't know why I tagged.

It wasnt directed at you though I should have tagged @wellhelloitsme

@TedMullins has said some of the kindest things on this thread. They've had some of the nastiest responses I've ever seen. I'm so sorry, you're getting such a hard time.

Kindest? Are you blind, high or as bad as s/he is? If you think that's kind, you should probably not speak to people at all.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Hi Ted!

I'm not Ted, you can ask MN to check if you like. Ted said they thought it's not much to listen to someone else's problems. I think that's kind. I think the things you have responded with are unkind and self-contradictory. The person that has said they are happy to listen to other people has been accused of being self-centred. And, of course, as they've tried to defend themselves and explain their point of view Ted's been accused again of being self centred. Ted can't do right for doing wrong in your eyes.

Disclaimer - I have not gone through the whole thread.

I have also had to "dump" a new friendship due to them oversharing. It was very triggering, and not how a friendship should be. I was not her therapist, and no friend should be considered one.
Maybe your friend has also had a traumatic childhood.. you have not mentioned that in your OP.

Oversharing is a trauma response, but that is something that you will eventually need to work on. It is not the responsibility of friends to sort out.

Really glad you’ve managed to see things from your friend’s pov and can continue to work on the relationship.

Just to say i struggle to listen ti traumatic events, not because I’ve experienced it too but because it truly affects me deeply and it takes me a while to get over it. My DC is the same.

I’m not English either, so no stiff upper lip here. It’s just that everyone is different and that should be respected without having to put a reason on it, which could be n/a

All the best OP.

Heads up @Sparklybutold your thread is in the Mail online today

Shame the DM just focused on the beginning and not the resolution that occurred nor the fact that all in all some fantastic advice and insight was provided.

@Dillidilly

Thanks for the heads up.

No problem x

Oh goodness - does anyone have a link o can’t find it?

hope it hasmy freaked you out op xx

I literally contacted mumsnet asking for them to take it down as I was worried the daily fail would pick it up. Ah well.

@Onandupw

Just had a quick run through. Most importantly I don't think my friend who stayed will find it and actually if she did I'm fairly confident we would be able to talk it through given who we are and the type of training we’re currently undertaking. Plus what happened actually gave me the push I needed and I feel there was a really positive outcome.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-11092703/Woman-reveals-friend-asked-stop-talking-trauma.html

Oh what a waste of an article - didn’t reflect the good insights at all did it!

@Onandupw

Not at all.

Maybe you were too full on too quickly as they sound like HUGE things! Sorry you went through them by the way. Build it up light to see if you actually even like the person before sharing things like this. I expect you made her feel uncomfortable.

Just had a look on the daily fail article and I steered tingly all comments deleted and no more comments accepted

Interestingly!

🧐
Did you complain to MN or the DM?

I can’t believe the “TedMullins” me-rail didn’t get a mention - how could you read that thread and comment on that nonsense!

@Sparklybutold also interested in your view of TM … and did this impact you?

@dillydilly

Interestingly I did ask MN to take the thread down as I know DM has a habit of stealing stuff. MN said no although did offer other solutions. I wonder whether MN requested the comments to be switched off. I did read a few or the comments and wasn't actually bothered by them (even the negative ones) as I was aware they were responding with such limited info. It was interesting to read that some felt the story was fabricated. Which in a way is ironic given the fact that many victims face the challenge of not being believed.

@DFOD

Very kind of you to ask but I can't say that teds responses impacted me at all negatively, nor did I see her responses as narcassitic. I think she just represents the broad spectrum of views on this topic which only aided my own processing of the situation I found myself in.