Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

OP It sounds like you used your new friend for therapy. What do you actually bring to this friendship?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It sounds like she just didn’t know what to say/ how to handle it though and is in the privileged position maybe of not having experienced this stuff and so doesn’t get that it’s part of you (context as you said).

You just slightly have to take people as you find them I think. You need to be a bit more guarded with this friend until she indicates otherwise. That doesn’t mean you can’t be yourself etc, we just show different aspects or parts of ourselves to different people. like code switching.

you’re not unreasonable though, it’s difficult to navigate. Try not to be absolutist about it and take it a day at a time etc.

It takes a long time to develop intimacy. Your friend may have felt that you were presuming on an intimacy which does not yet exist.

Great update OP x 💐

Aaaw Sparkly cracking update. Am so glad you hung in there & didn't write off a budding new friendship over a misunderstanding. Well done you & your new pal

Yes I agree with PP who said you have no idea what her MH is like or what traumas she’s dealt with. You might be triggering things in her. I had a friend like this years ago, I was in a really bad space and just had my 2nd child and this person would talk to me in rage about a certain issue in her life. I wasn’t having the same issue but her emotions would overwhelm me. I couldn’t even stop talking to her as I felt guilt. I feel your new friend has a very healthy self esteem and knows her boundaries very well.

I do get it, OP. I had a traumatic childhood and I found myself processing those memories when my DDs were small.

I’ve been through a tonne of therapy myself, but I did also share from time to time with close friends, as well as with my DSis, who also went through similar trauma to me.

I was once asked not to talk about it, by my DM! She asked me not to ‘spoil her time with her DGDs’. Though tbh, it wasn’t helpful to talk to her, as she used to end up crying and I would then have to comfort her. (I had tried to talk to her to make sense of the past, but she knew nothing so wasn’t able to help.)

People have their reasons for not coping with hearing about other people’s trauma. In my DM’s case, it was guilt that she hadn’t protected us. It might feel that your friend has less reason for asking you not to talk about it. But you don’t know her well yet, she may have been through trauma herself and therefore find it triggering to hear about what you went through.

Just read your update and I’m glad you’ve cleared the air with your friend! Apologies if my previous post didn’t come across as supportive. I myself have been through trauma so I can understand. I don’t talk to people in real life but I attend an online workshop once a week which is aimed at trauma. Contact your GP and they can give you details. Mine in by email invite only so I can’t share details here but there’s lots of support out there x

Apologies, I missed your update. I’m really glad for you that you spoke to your friend this morning, very positive and hope your friendship continues to blossom as a result.

Thanks for explaining that, Mary. For what it's worth, I'm talking about long-term friends who manage to spend a whole evening never mentioning or enquiring about the thing they know full well is dominating your whole life. They're not suffering from brain freeze. They're just self-centred arseholes.

If something is dominating MY life then I would mention it to a friend. If someone is my friend why would I assume they weren't talking about it because they are a horrible person? Most of my friends are like me quite private people who feel nosy and intrusive asking each other about personal stuff. Managing the line between respecting someone's privacy and seeming uncaring can be difficult but I think friends should give each other the benefit of the doubt and ascribe good motives to our friends not mean ones.

I really hope you're lying, you should clearly not be interviewing traumatised people. You have no boundaries and no concept of how any of it works.

I'm glad you've talked about it, OP, it sounds as if it went well.

I am sorry that your early experiences were so devastatingly awful.

I am glad that you seem to have sorted things out with your friend. I think that different people respond differently to thoughts of trauma. Some have a need to talk about them a great deal; some deal with them (including their own experiences) by trying not to think about them, or at least limiting their exposure to these thoughts. There are reasons, after all, why some topics are labelled with 'trigger warnings'.

I think that you may have particularly negative experiences of being 'silenced' and anything that reminds you of it similarly 'triggers' you. I don't think your friend was in fact 'silencing' you in that way. I am glad that your friendship is working out positively,

@neverbeenskiing

Loved your balanced response from both sides. Thank you 🌸

I'm sorry but I'd not be comfortable with having to talk about severely distressing or traumatic stuff either. I suffer from severe anxiety and this would really set me off on a dark path. Some things aren't really appropriate for friendly chats and maybe you could start counselling if you find talking helps? Everyone has their own past, anxieties, fears and bad experiences and maybe hearing about yours brought up bad memories or fears or dark thoughts for her.

That's a great update OP. I was going to say that since you asked her if she wanted you to stop she probably felt you were fine with the conversation ending there. If you offer a friend an option and they should be able to take you at your word and accept the offer without it harming your relationship. If you hadn't offered who knows how long she would have listened.

Good deep friendships take time to build, no matter how great the initial connection. Boundaries are important. I know I would err very much on the side of listening and trying to give comfort no matter what it cost me, my own trauma talking. I think it actually says something good for your chance of developing a strong deep friendship that you offered to stop and that she honoured her own boundaries by taking that offer when she needed it.

I am not sure about this. Of course, some people do avoid bereaved people or dismiss bereavement by breezy cliches ('it's for the best', etc.) But you also get people who try to impose rather intrusive condolences on people who find the social aspects of 'bereavement customs' hard to cope with. In both cases, a certain self-centeredness may be involved: a need to avoid discomfort in the first case, and the need to 'show that you care' rather than following the other person's signals in the second. In practice, however, it can be quite difficult to always pick up correctly on other people's signals.

It was just a response to “would you like me to stop”. She might not have asked you to if you hadn’t asked.

You need more therapy. You are not empathetic towards your friend’s feelings. You have admitted feeling angry and can’t wait for her to leave. Have you asked why she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it? Perhaps it’s too soon for her? Perhaps it’s triggering her own issues? Perhaps you’ve just frightened the life out of her and she was expecting a lighthearted girly weekend? It’s not all about you and your experiences, however awful it was for you.

If you can live through it, then I can listen to it if you want to tell me. That's how I handle things that are hard for me to hear. It's not your job to censor yourself or check in with how friend is coping with your reminiscing. Autonomy is the buzzword of today but it goes both ways. It was empathetic, kind and courteous of you to offer to stop. But, if friend wants boundaries they're her responsibility to set, not your responsibility to offer them. I'm glad you've come to agreement about this, but please don't let it make you walk on eggshells in the future.

I don’t need to justify myself to you. You have no idea about me. I’m not lying, I was great at my job and helped many people. Stop projecting your own issues onto people online you know nothing about.

I kind of agree but not. The OP doesn't really say how new or close the friendship is. A friend's feelings DO matter and I certainly would not feel it right to dump upsetting stuff on even my closest friends without their consent. Yes friends support each other but BY CONSENT and in equality. And yes a friend's right to say "I can't deal with this" is as important as my or the OP's or your right to unburden.

getting to know me.includes answering questions which involves the not so nice bits

No, it doesnt. Nobody can interrogate you, demand answers, browbeat you into submission. You don't have to answer any questions. If you do, you decide the answers.

Sounds as if you had a childhood where you had no choices. Trust, filters, privacy, security and boundaries were pretty non existent. That doesn't mean you have to spend your adult life the same chaotic way. You're in charge now.

Set your own boundaries, learn who to trust, when to keep your private stuff private.

You're right @SuperPets but I think that poster has already made this thread about them as much as they possibly can.

The OP, by contrast, was clearly open to listening to others and seems like she has made real progress with her friend.