Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

I agree with this. Thank you.

That's great OP, I'm so happy you both talked, I hope this friendship continues to grow.

If you had read further the poster responded to me and I apologised as I misunderstood her post.

@Sparklybutold

The update sounds really positive. It sounds like you both got something out of the weekend and I hope your friendship continues to flourish!

What a lovely update @Sparklybutold .
I hope your friendship continues to flourish.
It feels - and I'm not an expert on this - that this is maybe an early warning signal that more therapy may be helpful for you to talk this through and understand your responses to it.

Ah this is so good!! So glad you both managed to navigate this. Hope you can build a great friendship.

Ok, this is a fair point and I accept that was a bad choice of words and I’m not objectively morally superior. As I have said when I’ve tried to respond more calmly, openness is an approach that works FOR ME, but I do respect it isn’t that way for everyone and neither is definitively right or wrong.

I stand by what I said that there are ways and means to communicate that to someone without being dismissive and that it may mean a friendship won’t work. I’ve had some unpleasant assumptions made about me on this thread and twisting of things I said so yes, I accept was being condescending in some posts in response to this.

OP I’m glad you both talked it through and found a solution. It sounds like a healthy conversation.

This is a wonderful update, OP. Respect to you and your friend for building bridges and it sounds like the basis for a really good friendship going forward.

Hey OP
that sounds great!

Everyone is different I'd rather die than discuss the traumatic events that shadows my life.

I'm a locked box and I like it like that.

I have a friend who has had a very traumatic upbringing she also finds it hard to pin down relationships, she is very honest about her upbringing and will discuss it heavily in early relationships, men/women don't stick around, it can be draining.

OP, I am so sorry to hear what you've been through.

My MIL had a similarly horrendous childhood featuring most of the awful things you mention. She has no boundaries and started telling me bits and pieces of her past within a few times of meeting her. She hardly knew me at the time and I'll admit I found it inappropriate.

Now, several years on, every time we visit, no matter how cheerful or mundane the conversation, she will shift it to bring up something about her past. I'll admit I really struggle to cope with hearing about it - a few of the things have really traumatised me as they relate to my partner and I don't think he would ever have chosen to tell me and so I feel I can't bring them up but now it's a burden I have to carry too. It's got to the point where I avoid being in the room alone with her (she's much less likely to bring up certain things if my partner (her son) is around.

I'm not assuming you do the same OP, but I just wanted to offer my perspective on how traumatic it can be to hear horrendous things - and once you've heard things you can't unhear them.

Just saw your update OP, that's great, I'm glad you've sorted things with your friend.

Wow I think MN was really helpful here OP, I think it's brilliant that you brought it up again with your friend as a result and both talked it through and were able to understand each others positions. I thought it sounded like you were coming from a quite unhealthy and dysfunctional position expecting your new friend to be able to cope with the horrendous trauma you have been through but the way you've resolved it sounds wonderful. Kudos to the poster who suggested that you might have felt the old feelings of shame and that that triggered the anger. Well done OP for working it through.

I think it depends on needs.
I’m like you, a heart on my sleeve sharer. So I generally have friends who are similar, or don’t mind me sharing!
when people are closed off I’ve not pursued a friendship and that’s ok.
I think with older age I’ve come to realise there’s no such thing (often) as doing things ‘wrong’ in friendships. I’m just not compatible with everyone.
Luckily I’ve met plenty of open books and have some really lovely friends, who I feel are kindred spirits.
See how the friendship grows, but it’s ok if it doesn’t work out 🤷‍♀️

OP, a massive well done. You’ve behaved so well here and so has your friend. The honesty and mutual respect is a beautiful thing. A really wonderful basis for a developing friendship.

I very much agree with this post. I have a friend who had an awful childhood, and who went on to have an abusive relationship. I felt (and still feel) very sorry for her and supported her for a long time, even when I was really struggling myself. She's been through a lot of therapy but now her entire existence seems to revolve around being a victim. Almost every topic of conversation will be brought round to personality disorders of perpetrators ("I've had a rubbish week at work, someone was really rude to me"; "Oh, that's narcissistic behaviour, my ex used to behave like that...") and off we'd go into her trauma, plus whatever "research" she'd found on the internet recently.

I knew others had dropped her and I tried to stick around but in the end the friendship petered out because I just can't bear it any more. Every interaction with her left me feeling utterly drained which, at difficult times, was just more than I had to give.

I say all of this as someone who has been through traumatic times themselves - been there, had the long-term therapy, got the PTSD diagnosis, the whole nine yards. But I worked hard to be able to come to terms with it, find a way to live with it and move on, I just can't keep being dragged back into the dark places again or to have my boundaries trampled all over because those boundaries don't suit others. I'd be more than happy to pick up the friendship again if I felt she'd respect my boundaries - we can be friends and still have different approaches to life generally - but she won't. So here we are.

That's a good update, thanks for coming back to the thread OP.

please have fun with friends, keep it light and dont be depressing. All it does it drag you back into your pain anyway and why do people need to know everything about you.

But it’s a brand new friend ship. It could be too much too soon, too intense. And if that’s the case, why can’t that be acceptable? . Perhaps OPs new friend did not want to further engage in that particular conversation because she herself has gone through trauma and just doesn’t want to delve into it because it’s something upsetting? That’s one of the many possibilities. Or maybe she felt ill equipped to deal with it in that one moment. What ever. And that’s fine too. Everyone has gone through something, to a greater or lesser extent, and not everyone wants to talk about it or even listen to it, what ever it is. And that’s their prerogative. Doesn’t mean they are bad people.

@Sparklybutold lovely update,glad you've been able to engage with your friend.

Fantastic update. Well done both.

Who is TedMullins..they havent posted have they? oh THAT TM 🙄

Such a shame that a trauma thread gets reduced to talk of trumping one's own traumas.

That's such a great update, OP. Hope you build a good friendship.

Nice one, @Sparklybutold Have a good day.

You know there's a therapy technique called 'sitting with the discomfort'? That can include sitting briefly with the sense of shame. It's like facing it for a few minutes at a time, examining it, and then putting it back on the shelf.

Over time your feelings can change from being fearful of it to being mildly curious.