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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

550 replies

Sparklybutold · 08/08/2022 00:32

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 08/08/2022 15:19

Phew!!! Read through all.replies and honestly all.of them have provided some brilliant insights and views that I would never have considered otherwise. So again - thank you.

I also wanted to honour those who they themselves have experienced trauma and have shared that on this thread 💐

I am still rebuilding my mental health and within that still.in the process of recalibatrating everything. I do think it's time again to get some professional help and for to give some serious consideration to what I share, to whom I share, and perhaps most importantly? Why.

OP posts:
Irritatedmum · 08/08/2022 15:24

You haven’t said much about the background of your friendship - how long have you known each other? How did you meet? But the thing that’s jumped into my head is that you probably don’t know her well enough to know if you’re triggering things from her own past.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 08/08/2022 15:36

@Irritatedmum

I realise.i had been quite vague about this.

Known each for about a year and met on quite an emotional training path which is centred on connectedness and authenticity (which I think contributed to me.misjudging just how open I was being). I did ask whether she had experienced trauma similar to what I have eluded too and she said she had not. I think it is just the fact that my experiences and stories are just so incredibly sad. I even find myself doubting the things that happened actually happened! However, I do feel this weekend has highlighted an area I need to focus on which is largely centred around my own boundaries and also the concept of who I am external to my trauma - this is something that I haven't actually explored as I still feel very linked despite me being estranged (although this introduces it's own difficulties). I will say however, that I really enjoy my ‘new’ friends company. She is kind, interesting to talk to and is actually very open with discussions (just this one, at that time, was too much). I want to respect that, I know what its like to have one's own sense of self invaded and pushed upon so I feel.it would be hypocritical to push my agenda on her without any consideration or respect to her health.

OP posts:
Astitch · 08/08/2022 15:44

I see a certain poster is still trying to vulture attention from the thread...

The OP has moved on positively but they haven't!

Onandupw · 08/08/2022 15:52

Sounds all good OP. And don’t forget that you can Waldo just have fun hanging out with her!

Onandupw · 08/08/2022 15:52

Also!

but hey Waldo might be a fun place to start 😁

Hadtocomment · 08/08/2022 15:58

You sound amazing OP. I wrote a long reply and then couldn't decide whether to post. I just found your response on here so impressive.

stevalnamechanger · 08/08/2022 15:59

TimeForTeaAndG · 08/08/2022 00:37

I think sharing that level of trauma is a bit intense for a relatively new friendship.

Your friend has every right to not want to take on the information, she is not silencing you, she is establishing boundaries. She may also have her own traumas that you are triggering.

If you need to lay out your past, find a therapist.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

justmaybenot · 08/08/2022 16:12

Sparklybutold · 08/08/2022 15:36

@Irritatedmum

I realise.i had been quite vague about this.

Known each for about a year and met on quite an emotional training path which is centred on connectedness and authenticity (which I think contributed to me.misjudging just how open I was being). I did ask whether she had experienced trauma similar to what I have eluded too and she said she had not. I think it is just the fact that my experiences and stories are just so incredibly sad. I even find myself doubting the things that happened actually happened! However, I do feel this weekend has highlighted an area I need to focus on which is largely centred around my own boundaries and also the concept of who I am external to my trauma - this is something that I haven't actually explored as I still feel very linked despite me being estranged (although this introduces it's own difficulties). I will say however, that I really enjoy my ‘new’ friends company. She is kind, interesting to talk to and is actually very open with discussions (just this one, at that time, was too much). I want to respect that, I know what its like to have one's own sense of self invaded and pushed upon so I feel.it would be hypocritical to push my agenda on her without any consideration or respect to her health.

That's great that you recognise her right to establish boundaries, it does sound like you have a lot of trauma in your past and I'm sure anyone would be sympathetic. But you can be true to yourself without divulging everything. I hope your friendship thrives

dreamingbohemian · 08/08/2022 16:15

OP I think it's a great idea to explore who you are external to your trauma, and think about your own boundaries. Going back to therapy is a good idea so you can do this in a safe space.

I think what this thread shows is that there are many ways of dealing with trauma, and as time goes by sometimes it makes sense to adjust how we deal. For me, there was a point after a number of years where I needed to find a way to integrate the trauma into the larger story of my life and who I was as a person. For me personally (and this is just what worked for me) it helped to actually talk about it less and have more friends who didn't know all these things about me. This helped me recalibrate things somehow. I'm not saying this is what you should do, to be clear! Just to say that it's natural to keep exploring your feelings, to feel differently about yourself over time.

You've done so well to survive so many terrible things, it's lovely you have a new friend to brighten your life now too.

Introvertedbuthappy · 08/08/2022 16:18

Lovely update, I wish you well in working through your trauma.

BloodAndFire · 08/08/2022 16:20

Sparklybutold · 08/08/2022 15:36

@Irritatedmum

I realise.i had been quite vague about this.

Known each for about a year and met on quite an emotional training path which is centred on connectedness and authenticity (which I think contributed to me.misjudging just how open I was being). I did ask whether she had experienced trauma similar to what I have eluded too and she said she had not. I think it is just the fact that my experiences and stories are just so incredibly sad. I even find myself doubting the things that happened actually happened! However, I do feel this weekend has highlighted an area I need to focus on which is largely centred around my own boundaries and also the concept of who I am external to my trauma - this is something that I haven't actually explored as I still feel very linked despite me being estranged (although this introduces it's own difficulties). I will say however, that I really enjoy my ‘new’ friends company. She is kind, interesting to talk to and is actually very open with discussions (just this one, at that time, was too much). I want to respect that, I know what its like to have one's own sense of self invaded and pushed upon so I feel.it would be hypocritical to push my agenda on her without any consideration or respect to her health.

You sound really kind and empathetic. And yes - you are a valuable person completely separate from the horrendous experiences you have had. Your friend obviously likes you and enjoys your company, you don't need to validate that by sharing every single part of your history. She likes you for who you are. It sounds like you are making huge progress . Wishing you all the very best

50daysplus · 08/08/2022 16:23

Sparklybutold · 08/08/2022 00:50

@mycatisannoying

I just know I wouldn't shut down someone like she did. It's incredibly invalidating.

OP. Your friend did not shut you down... you asked her if she would rather you not continue and she said yes. So clearly she has a lot of respect for you because she didn't say anything up until you asked.

Read the 1st posters comment on the thread.. I was about to type similar perhaps it's triggered your friend or perhaps she's not strong enough to cope?

There's some harsh comments here but you need to try and understand your friend also.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 08/08/2022 16:59

I think that if I was a new friend of someone and went to stay and then they kept talking about the abuse, murder and horror they went through I'd be overwhelmed and a bit frightened to be honest.

That's something to discuss with a therapist. It's goes beyond the realms of getting to know someone. Saying you had an abusive childhood would be enough for empathy without scaring the shit out of them.

Im sorry you felt invalidated but that level of trauma dumping is too much in a new friendship.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 08/08/2022 17:03

For example it took a year or so for my best friend to discuss the intricacies of her Abuse with me. Before that she simply said x was abusive when she was a child.

I was OK to discuss this with her at the time as she was a long term, deeply trusted and loved friend and I hoped to support her and help her heal. She was not a new pal who wanted to have fun.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 08/08/2022 17:04

Sparklybutold · 08/08/2022 00:50

@mycatisannoying

I just know I wouldn't shut down someone like she did. It's incredibly invalidating.

She didn't shut you down. You asked if she'd like you to stop and she simply told you the truth.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 08/08/2022 17:08

From your latest post it seems you've understood what people are saying and have a new therapy ring avenue to explore. Good for you OP!

Softplayhooray · 08/08/2022 18:37

Such a nice, self aware and positive update OP!

DFOD · 08/08/2022 18:52

@Sparklybutold wow what a reflective and constructive approach. I hope that your new friendship brings your further reciprocated comfort and joy.

Dalaidramailama · 08/08/2022 18:53

@Sparklybutold

I didn’t doubt for a moment your insight even from your first post. Best of luck moving forward.

Pinkspice · 08/08/2022 22:44

OP what a courageous and reflective update. It must have been hard to read but it sounds like you have benefited from people's posts, most of which come from a place of trying to help you move forward. Further therapy and greater understanding of your own boundaries and those of others might be very helpful. Good luck.

kateandme · 09/08/2022 06:01

Sparklybutold · 08/08/2022 15:36

@Irritatedmum

I realise.i had been quite vague about this.

Known each for about a year and met on quite an emotional training path which is centred on connectedness and authenticity (which I think contributed to me.misjudging just how open I was being). I did ask whether she had experienced trauma similar to what I have eluded too and she said she had not. I think it is just the fact that my experiences and stories are just so incredibly sad. I even find myself doubting the things that happened actually happened! However, I do feel this weekend has highlighted an area I need to focus on which is largely centred around my own boundaries and also the concept of who I am external to my trauma - this is something that I haven't actually explored as I still feel very linked despite me being estranged (although this introduces it's own difficulties). I will say however, that I really enjoy my ‘new’ friends company. She is kind, interesting to talk to and is actually very open with discussions (just this one, at that time, was too much). I want to respect that, I know what its like to have one's own sense of self invaded and pushed upon so I feel.it would be hypocritical to push my agenda on her without any consideration or respect to her health.

Your going to be just fine op.listen to you your so eloquent and aware.you sound like your really figuring this all out.
It might take lots of time nd there will be bumosnon the road,this situation being just one of them I reckon.but look out for all the good days.look out for all the people you can be totally honest and get this poison out there. They will be around too.ha even if it's just to some of us on here!
Look to all you've come through. Hell op with the list of your past just bloody marvel in you still being able to stand!
You've done fantastic.and your still learning what s right for you.and others.
Remember too there is a way others can and should be sensitive around this. There will be people who are just plain fuck heads about it so don t be afraid to notice them and ignore them fully.those arnt worthy of your time.
You clearly think this friend is though.so just keep feeling your way with her.see how it goes.
You are not your trauma. It happened to you.it wasn't you or because of you.
But it's difficult because equally it will have shaped you in ways you wouldnt ordinarily have been.
I think therapy can't be a bad thing.even if it just feels like a top up, going over old ground,'re charging your coping techniques.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 09/08/2022 09:05

All in all - how utterly gorgeous has this thread been? Sincerest and oodles of thankyou’s ❤️💐🥹

OP posts:
Mississipi71 · 09/08/2022 09:08

Sparklybutold · 09/08/2022 09:05

All in all - how utterly gorgeous has this thread been? Sincerest and oodles of thankyou’s ❤️💐🥹

Glad you are feeling in a better place, inasmuch as you can be @Sparklybutold x

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 09/08/2022 09:17

OP have you ever thought that she has been through similar things and that’s why she struggles to hear you talk?

I had a horrifically traumatic childhood, not dissimilar to what you describe, and there’s 2 people who know the facts. I could no sooner offload to a new person than I could fly to the moon. I don’t want any of it to define me, and also I’m aware that level of intensity scares people and makes them extremely uncomfortable.

And in a similar vein I just couldn’t have the headspace for anybody else’s trauma. I can’t bear it when people offload their traumas to me and talk to me as if I couldn’t possibly understand their terrible childhood. Maybe it’s because I’ve been through hell and never open up, but I actually find it pretty irritating when people make conversations all about their life story and I’m expected to make sad noises and act shocked when, quite honestly, nothing shocks me. I have been through hell and IMO friendships should be about fun and joy. That’s what I bring to a friendship, not my problems from a life I led many many years ago.

When you talk about invalidating - I actually think it’s unfair to be so intense with friendships that you have an expectation that this person can validate you. People have their own problems, you are not entitled to anyone being your emotional crutch. I’m not here to validate my friend’s experience. I don’t think anyone should be.