Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

I think sharing that level of trauma is a bit intense for a relatively new friendship.

Your friend has every right to not want to take on the information, she is not silencing you, she is establishing boundaries. She may also have her own traumas that you are triggering.

If you need to lay out your past, find a therapist.

Oh come on, be reasonable. I am so sorry for what you've been through, but she's your friend, not your counsellor. And had probably only signed up for a fun girls' weekend away

YABU. You need to respect her feelings

First of all I am sorry for what you have been through - have you had any professional therapy to help you come to terms with this? But secondly, I can imagine this new friend just couldn't handle it. I have some difficult personal stuff too, and years ago I'd reveal it and chat about everything quite matter of factly - now I realise a significant majority of people just dont want to hear things like that. I've been making a new friend recently; wondered about asking her for coffee, then she said she'd "had such a nice time earlier with a lady who was soooo positive!!" (tinkly laugh tinkly laugh head tilt etc) and that some people were just moan moan moan and give her headaches. Reader, OP, I did not have coffee with this woman!

There's a balance to be struck and you are going to find it. In the meantime you could just say things like "my childhood was very tough" and leave it at that. But please do look at therapy if you haven't already (possible PTSD type therapy? I had EMDR which was very helpful).

I'm really sorry you went through all of that - truly - but it's wrong to unload all of that trauma onto someone else without asking them first. You don't know what her history is, what her mental health is like, what she has going on in her private life etc and she may simply not be in a place where she can take on your stuff too.

I'm currently really struggling with my own MH and if one of my friends started to just tell me really awful things that had happened to them - particularly anything relating to one of my specific triggers - it could send me into a compete spiral. I'm doing my best to hold things together for my kids as it is. I would simply drown if I had to take on someone else's trauma too.

If you need to talk things through then your best bet is to find a professional therapist or, failing that, ask another friend if they would be willing to talk through some stuff with you.

Firstly I am sorry you went through so much pain and difficulty as a child

With a new friendship she may have felt ambushed and that your disclosures would force her into a caring role, which tips the balance of the friendship.

As a pp said she may have her own traumas she did not want triggered. She clearly set a boundary. I do understand your disappointment but a first weekend isn’t really the right vibe to have an expectation about unloading a lot of childhood trauma. Do you have a therapist?

It's just too much too soon that's all.

Friendships take time to be solid/real, sometimes years.

Perhaps think of it this way, your friend sounds very in touch with your feelings and that's why they want you to slow down a bit. Not a bad thing in the long run.

To be clear I wasn't telling it in a this happened and then this happened kinda way, it was just context stuff. I do feel silenced, although I also appreciate she was establishing her boundaries too.

Sorry, but i think you're being unreasonable. Stuff like that is very hard to stomach, and it can be very upsetting to hear about, and its also possibly making her uncomfortable if she thinks youre sharing too soon, or stuff that is too personal depending on how open she is or isn't in general with private things.
Bad things have happened to me, but i don't share details unless people ask me about it, because i know it will upset some people, or it will make them uncomfortable. I myself can feel very uncomfortable when people tell me about their personal traumatic experiences, there's nothing i can do to change the past for them, so it's not something i really need or want to know about, it's likely to just bring the mood and atmosphere down and awkward. If it's something you feel talking about will be beneficial for you, there are specialists like therapists to help with that, don't just load it off on friends, especially fairly new ones.

Maybe you just have different expectations of the friendship, and that's ok.

If - as you say - it's a fairly new friendship OP, she may not be ready for that much sharing of information just yet.

I don't see it as 'silencing' you, she's happy enough in the friendship to stay at yours this weekend, you feel that she has to know everything about you to be friends and she doesn't feel that she needs to know that level of detail. Neither is wrong or right, just different expectations.

I have had years of therapy. It's difficult because in getting to know me.includes answering questions which involves the not so nice bits. I feel angry at having to censor bits of me after being silenced for so long. Right now I'm looking forward to her leaving.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, but it's very unreasonable to expect a friend, especially a very new friend, to act as a therapist or an emotional sounding board. That's too much for almost anyone.

If you need a therapist, you really should find one.

You're looking forward to her leaving? Presumably because she wouldn't listen to you. Do you always put conditions on friendships?

It's not her fault though. I think she is probably also looking forward to leaving.

@mycatisannoying

I just know I wouldn't shut down someone like she did. It's incredibly invalidating.

I think you’re assuming she has the capacity to carry it. She may have things she can’t share that are exhausting her resilience.

@dehloh

Maybe she is. Ah well.

But you're invalidating her feelings too!

@Aquamarine1029

I was not using her as a therapist. Just conceptualizing a story I was telling after she asked a question.

I don’t think I’ve ever talked extensively about my childhood to a new friend. To have the subject come up twice in one day does seem to suggest that you are leading the conversation that way? A new friendship should be similar to a new relationship I think, establish a fun connection explore what you have in common and in time go deeper and find out more about what makes you both tick. You seem to be bypassing the fun connection and wanting your friend to dive right in to an intense level, I don’t think that you are going to get the support and the safe space to reflect on what has happened to you in your life from a friendship I would echo PP’s and say that you need to speak to a therapist to access that help. Keep your friend for lighthearted fun activities.

Your suffering and trauma doesn't give you the right to cause trauma/distress to others, though. She's not there to be a means of catharsis.

I'm not sure how she silenced you.

You asked her if she would prefer you to stop telling her all your trauma, she said yes. Would you prefer that she had lied and spent the weekend feeling really uncomfortable?

You offered to change the subject and she agreed. That’s not silencing you, shutting you down, or invalidating you. That’s really quite an aggressive choice of language there.

I just feel angered with the fact I'm in the position to have to filter parts of my life anyway. It just sucks. I didn't ask to see or experience the things I did, it just happened and then I have to just hold onto it and then magically know when I can and can't talk about it. I feel like a leper.

Maybe this anger has been directed onto her. I just want her out of my house.