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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

550 replies

Sparklybutold · 08/08/2022 00:32

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

OP posts:
Wouldloveanother · 08/08/2022 07:37

These topics are way too intense for a new friendship. I know a few people who bring up their past traumas at unsuitable times, for example in front of people they barely know or when we are are celebrating a ‘happy event’ and everyone is in high spirits.

i have to be honest and say it brings the mood down and I think it makes people feel awkward. Simply because while it’s nothing to be ashamed of, people don’t really know what to say and it’s a very sad topic.

Stick to discussing it with very close friends and your therapist, that way you won’t be met with this sort of reaction. It’s not about ‘invalidating you’, there are plenty of topics that are inappropriate to bring up at certain times.

Miffee · 08/08/2022 07:38

I saw an old work friend out with her two children years ago. I asked if she just had those two (as you do, small talk etc). As soon as it came out of my mouth I wanted the ground to swallow me as I remembered that she had a baby who died of cot death (as it was called then). It had heard through the grape vine as I wasn't In touch with her at the time.

She kind of stuttered then said yes.

I fucking hate that we live in a world that made that lady deny her own baby for my comfort.

wellhelloitsme · 08/08/2022 07:39

@TedMullins

Other people’s trauma has no bearing on my own.

That's good for you. It's not true of many people and they aren't 'self absorbed', they are self aware and have good boundaries.

I’d never ask someone to box theirs up and put it away especially if they were being honest in the context of a conversation.

That's literally what OP is annoyed her friend didn't do. OP wanted her friend to 'box up and put away' her discomfort (which may be due to past resume or may not) and her friend was 'honest in the context of the conversation when OP asked her a direct question and she simply answered truthfully.

People who say other people’s problems are too upsetting for them - that’s a them problem. It’s not my job or your job to moderate my life story to keep others happy.

It's not OP's friend's job to moderate her discomfort or her being triggered in order to keep others happy.

You're calling people 'self absorbed' for prioritising their own emotional needs while expecting them to prioritise yours.

For a long time after I was raped, I would have found it incredibly triggering to hear in any detail about a new friend's rape. I would feel absolutely terrible for them and feel terribly I couldn't have coped with it sparking me spiralling again.

I would have kindly and gently, if asked directly at that time, said that I was so sorry and let them know about some useful resources and helplines and said that I'm not the best person to speak to right now as it's so raw for me and I was finding it hard to talk about the topic myself.

Would I have been 'self absorbed' for doing that?

Rowen32 · 08/08/2022 07:39

Sparklybutold · 08/08/2022 01:12

@Happymum12345

Thankyou for your compassionate response. Lots for me to reflect on.

I understand where you're coming from and I feel your pain to an extent as I've been through stuff too and can't share it freely because I know it's too much for other people but that's not their fault - it's too much for them, they don't have the experiences I do, they don't have the ability to process or deal with them. I write instead, I pray, I talk my dogs, I look for that connection in other ways when I need to get something out.. And likewise I'm not able sometimes for someone to share their hard stuff with me as it can be too much for me to process on top of what I went through. You may have been triggering her without even realising or without her being aware but no one is able to be 'on' all the time and ready to listen to the bad stuff. Even with my husband we ask each other before we bring up difficult topics to make sure the other person is in a place to listen and give support. It doesn't mean you can't speak up, it means there's a time and place and boundaries are important for both person's mental health x

minuette1 · 08/08/2022 07:41

I don’t think she was deliberately trying to silence you - you asked her if she preferred not to hear about your traumatic memories. You have no idea if your memories were somehow triggering for her, and it does sound like you were perhaps over sharing in the context of your new friendship.

There is kind of no need to take things up from your childhood in the context of a normal conversation (unless it was a particularly deep heart to heart). I had some bad childhood experiences too, but I will gloss over them if I’m in a social situation where it is not really approved to burden someone with that level of darkness. There is a time and place for baring your soul to someone and this weekend doesn’t seem like it. Anyway I hope life is better for you now.

Rowen32 · 08/08/2022 07:41

wellhelloitsme · 08/08/2022 07:39

@TedMullins

Other people’s trauma has no bearing on my own.

That's good for you. It's not true of many people and they aren't 'self absorbed', they are self aware and have good boundaries.

I’d never ask someone to box theirs up and put it away especially if they were being honest in the context of a conversation.

That's literally what OP is annoyed her friend didn't do. OP wanted her friend to 'box up and put away' her discomfort (which may be due to past resume or may not) and her friend was 'honest in the context of the conversation when OP asked her a direct question and she simply answered truthfully.

People who say other people’s problems are too upsetting for them - that’s a them problem. It’s not my job or your job to moderate my life story to keep others happy.

It's not OP's friend's job to moderate her discomfort or her being triggered in order to keep others happy.

You're calling people 'self absorbed' for prioritising their own emotional needs while expecting them to prioritise yours.

For a long time after I was raped, I would have found it incredibly triggering to hear in any detail about a new friend's rape. I would feel absolutely terrible for them and feel terribly I couldn't have coped with it sparking me spiralling again.

I would have kindly and gently, if asked directly at that time, said that I was so sorry and let them know about some useful resources and helplines and said that I'm not the best person to speak to right now as it's so raw for me and I was finding it hard to talk about the topic myself.

Would I have been 'self absorbed' for doing that?

Your response is so perfect! Thank you :-) I totally get that :-)

wellhelloitsme · 08/08/2022 07:41

@TedMullins

I absolutely disagree that the burden should be on trauma survivors to keep it to themselves so as not to upset other people.

Yet you think that it's an acceptable 'burden' on fellow trauma survivors to 'keep to themselves' themselves any difficulty they have discussing topics that are triggering, 'so as not to upset other people'...

I don't understand how you can't see the hypocrisy and double standards in that.

hothotsumm · 08/08/2022 07:42

Miffee · 08/08/2022 07:38

I saw an old work friend out with her two children years ago. I asked if she just had those two (as you do, small talk etc). As soon as it came out of my mouth I wanted the ground to swallow me as I remembered that she had a baby who died of cot death (as it was called then). It had heard through the grape vine as I wasn't In touch with her at the time.

She kind of stuttered then said yes.

I fucking hate that we live in a world that made that lady deny her own baby for my comfort.

I fucking hate that we live in a world that made that lady deny her own baby for my comfort.

Me too !

Hollychristmasjoy · 08/08/2022 07:42

There is such a thing as over sharing!

Sartre · 08/08/2022 07:42

YABU. I didn’t have a great childhood either for various reasons including abuse but I would never tell a new friend about this, I barely tell anyone tbh. It’s too soon into the friendship, this is the sort of thing you tell either a long term friend/partner or a trained counsellor.

Astitch · 08/08/2022 07:43

Sparklybutold · 08/08/2022 01:05

But I know I can play nicety nice because I spent a whole fucking childhood playing nice.

It does sound like you may not be quite at the stage of having friends over

as this is a very extreme response. Do you feel triggered? It certainly seems as though an amount of anger is being projected towards your friend, who has simply asked not to hear any more awful stories.

I used to 'need' friends to know about my past. I think that I believed I came across as broken, and almost wanted to explain myself, and I definitely wanted to be liked.

I'm a different person now that I've come to terms with my past! Much more confident, balanced, and I have zero desire for anyone to know about my past. Most of my friends now have no idea and I love that - I'm just me, and meet ups are about having fun, laughing, sharing what we're up to - I can see now how harrowing it must have been for those I did tell, for me to dump all the trauma, and I don't think it's fair to do that.

I get it, I've been there, and I think you will see that's she's not shutting you down, she just is being honest, she sounds like a lovely friend.

Fushiadreams · 08/08/2022 07:43

Op you still sound very angry indeed, and like you’re entitled to make people listen to it. I also had a terrible, terrible child hood, I am not angry, I seldom feel the need to tell people as it’s deeply shocking stuff and really heavy indeed, it’s detail that only those closest to me knows. No one else needs burdening with it.

I think you need to get back into therapy and try to see if you can resolve your anger and also this need to share.

Dancingwithhyenas · 08/08/2022 07:45

I have friends with severely traumatic childhoods. It does upset me but only because I love and care about them. I personally have never felt the need to stop listening and very much want them to tell me whatever they feel they want to tell me, but perhaps your friend just needs you to drip it in slowly so it’s a bit less intense? Or find a new friend who is more compatible?

Miffee · 08/08/2022 07:45

wellhelloitsme · 08/08/2022 07:39

@TedMullins

Other people’s trauma has no bearing on my own.

That's good for you. It's not true of many people and they aren't 'self absorbed', they are self aware and have good boundaries.

I’d never ask someone to box theirs up and put it away especially if they were being honest in the context of a conversation.

That's literally what OP is annoyed her friend didn't do. OP wanted her friend to 'box up and put away' her discomfort (which may be due to past resume or may not) and her friend was 'honest in the context of the conversation when OP asked her a direct question and she simply answered truthfully.

People who say other people’s problems are too upsetting for them - that’s a them problem. It’s not my job or your job to moderate my life story to keep others happy.

It's not OP's friend's job to moderate her discomfort or her being triggered in order to keep others happy.

You're calling people 'self absorbed' for prioritising their own emotional needs while expecting them to prioritise yours.

For a long time after I was raped, I would have found it incredibly triggering to hear in any detail about a new friend's rape. I would feel absolutely terrible for them and feel terribly I couldn't have coped with it sparking me spiralling again.

I would have kindly and gently, if asked directly at that time, said that I was so sorry and let them know about some useful resources and helplines and said that I'm not the best person to speak to right now as it's so raw for me and I was finding it hard to talk about the topic myself.

Would I have been 'self absorbed' for doing that?

Again all this implies a pecking order of importance.

It's contextual. There is nuance. There can be no hard and fast rules. There are sometimes going to be competing needs here.

Personally I think we should speak more about it. Its more sensible. I'd we were more open than those who are triggered may feel comfortable enough to say "actually this is too close to home for me can we speak about something else". Or maybe if it wasn't so taboo it wouldn't be as triggering.

Wouldloveanother · 08/08/2022 07:47

@Fushiadreams while I agree with the gist of your post I don’t like the whole ‘U R so angry’ thing on mumsnet. Shouldn’t the OP be angry? She sounds entitled to be. Or is anger only seen as a healthy and validated emotional response in men? I see it so much on here like a woman ‘being angry’ instantly makes her wrong and unreasonable.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2022 07:47

Right now I'm looking forward to her leaving.

I think you have different expectations of a friendship. And I would expect she is looking forward to leaving too.

Why do you feel the need to offload all this information onto other people? Save it for your therapist and get on with life. Make new memories.

Superstorefan123 · 08/08/2022 07:49

I haven’t read the whole thread but throwing in my two pennies worth based on my experience of being the friend..

I have a friend who works in a hospice and likes to share the stories even though they are often very upsetting (I think it helps her process the day). I am normally ok to listen but after experiencing some death related trauma myself I no longer could… it was just too triggering and painful and I had to set that boundary that it was not for discussion.

I know it’s hard when you want to chat things through but don’t dismiss this friend because of this one thing - she might have great qualities and this stuff is just for discussion elsewhere.

sorry you had a tough time, sending love xxx

ChagSameachDoreen · 08/08/2022 07:50

I'm with your friend. I would want to hear all that stuff, particularly not from a new friend. She isn't a therapist.

Miffee · 08/08/2022 07:55

ChagSameachDoreen · 08/08/2022 07:50

I'm with your friend. I would want to hear all that stuff, particularly not from a new friend. She isn't a therapist.

Again, speaking honestly and on context about your life is not you expecting therapy.

Trauma victims should have the trauma. Then get fixed by a therapist. Then never speak of it again. Fucks sake.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 08/08/2022 07:56

I'm sorry for what you've been through, it sounds horrendous.

However, a weekend away with a new friend isn't supposed to be about past traumas - it's supposed to be a break from
work, kids and "life" - a chance to have fun, unwind and enjoy yourselves.

Your friend didn't want to hear about your traumatic past - at least, not this early on in the friendship, and that's okay. It's not about "silencing" you or expecting you to "play nice" - it's about acknowledging that not everyone has to listen to your stories and that even if they do, it's not always appropriate to share them.

KatherineJaneway · 08/08/2022 07:57

I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes

You offered to stop and she said yes. You shouldn't be angry at her for that. It is a relatively new friendship so I suspect what you told her was too much, too soon. I am sorry for what you went through but not everyone wants to discuss difficult subjects on what I suspect she thought was a fun weekend.

ChagSameachDoreen · 08/08/2022 07:59

@Miffee no need to be coarse.

I'm not suggesting victims of trauma and abuse should just get therapy and then shut up about it. I'm suggesting that it's not appropriate to discuss with a very new friend.

It isn't invalidating at all.

There are things I simply don't bring up with people until I know them very well, because I don't want to start a friendship off on that footing.

Every single person I've met who has brought up traumatic stuff within the first few meetings has been an absolute nightmare of a friend, I'm sorry to say. Not suggesting that the OP is such a person, but I am very wary now, both of people who do this, and of doing it myself. I'm not sorry.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 08/08/2022 08:01

@TedMullins

This is definitely where my heads at.

OP posts:
Miffee · 08/08/2022 08:02

You implied that because OP told her about her background she was treating her as a therapist. If you meant something else you should have said that.

A580Hojas · 08/08/2022 08:02

Sounds like your friend was polite and kind. Don't drive her away by living in your past. Everyone, to a certain extent, has sadness in their history. Yours might be more extreme - but can you seriously imagine a new friendship where your new friend spent hours unravelling their unhappiness in front of you. It's just not appealing, sorry!