Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

I agree with all of this. Frankly, I don’t care if my trauma shocks or upsets people. It’s my life and the truth of my experiences, and I don’t want people in my life who expect me to hide it to comply with some kind of social etiquette.

So she’s not a true friend because she’s putting boundaries in place? OP asked her a question, she answered honestly and instead of having an honest conversation with her friend, she’s on here saying she wants her out her house!

In your therapy have you been able to really explore your rage? Because it sounds like you're putting your rage about your past onto this new friend. It's the people in the past that have invalidated and hurt you, not this woman.

The thing is that if you tell people too much, too soon it can be a bit off putting. It can seem like you have no boundaries. I really understand the impulse to share your past and be witnessed and heard but it's not appropriate with a new person in your life. She's not equipped to deal with it or trained in how to say the right thing or not be haunted by it.

She sounds like a nice person though. She just answered your question honestly, she didn't reject you or dump you like some people do in this situation. If your therapist isn't meeting your needs, find a different therapist who specialises in trauma and maybe can offer you more than just offloading.

By the way I'm so sorry you experienced all those awful things.

I don’t think your friend was trying to silence you, she may have felt overwhelmed by what you’ve told her and not know how to process it or say anything helpful

It sounds like you should discuss this with your therapist op; but it’s ok to give a vague reply in future - don’t tell everyone everything early on in a relationship

I don’t think expecting someone not to be honest about their past and experiences is a fair boundary. She is asking OP to censor herself because she can’t handle hearing it. Well, tough. OP’s trauma isn’t about her. She should have some compassion. I’d be asking her to leave as well.

Mumsnet seems to be full of people who think people who’ve experienced trauma should put up and shut up and anyone going through a tough time should keep it to themselves so as not to upset people. Why is it then that all major mental health campaigns encourage people to talk about it? Maybe I’m very lucky but I’ve never experienced these kind of people in real life, my friends accept me as I am, even the nasty experiences, and encourage me to talk and be honest, as I do for them.

You don’t need training to say ‘I’m sorry, that sounds really hard’ ffs.

Big shout to all the people who can’t handle hearing other people don’t have perfect lives: IT ISN’T ABOUT YOU.

Well actually people do get lots of training to be able to say that without also putting their foot in it or walking away carrying someone else's trauma.

It's fantastic that you've found friends that can listen to yours but not everyone is able to do this. It doesn't mean it's their fault. And I don't think you're really helping the OP by getting so furious with everyone who disagrees with you. I'd say your friends are quite unusual if they could do this from the outset. I'd agree that in really close relationships you might tell people your trauma, but not early on, it's too much.

Your feelings are just as valid as hers.
It is quite cold that she shut you down.
People use "boundaries" as an excuse for everything these days....

I think the OP is well within her rights to feel let down and want this friend to leave. From what she described, she was simply honest about elements of her childhood when asked, she didn’t bring it up out of nowhere. Why should she lie or play it down?

MN is not reflective of real life in my experience when it comes to mental health and trauma. If it was so unreasonable to talk about it why would there be so many campaigns encouraging people to do just that, as I said earlier? I don’t think it is unusual to show compassion to people who talk about such things.

And as I said if people can’t handle it I really don’t care. I can do without them in my life. Seeing as I’m the one with the trauma (and mine is nowhere near as severe as OPs) my feelings come first.

I wonder how this kind of attitude impacts people with visible trauma. "Best not speak to her, she may tell me how she got those scars and I am not trained".

I'm sorry for what you've been through but this is a horrible comment.
How do you know your friend is in the right mental state to take on that kind of information?

Seriously? The OP has to carry these experiences with her forever. Every day. Whether or not the friend finds them upsetting really isn’t the most important thing here. It’s incredibly selfish to think people should tiptoe around their own life experiences so as not to unsettle others.

Do they? I work in a field were we deal with lots of trauma. Never had a lick of training regarding communication with trauma victims. Done it for years. Indeed a lot of my friends work in related fields and nor have they. I assume specialist police officers do and I know some burns specialists do but it isn't as widespread as you think.

You know why? Trauma is a part of people's lives. You shouldn't need training to be human.

Nope. Other people's boundaries come first...if they ask a question and then aren't comfortable with the answer you must zip it sharpish, nice fluffy answers only!

I'm being facetious of course. People use boundaries as an excuse to be quite cold and rude sadly.

She could have a conversation with her to tell her how she is feeling and not be making comments on MN about wanting her out?
Trust me, I understand the ramifications of childhood trauma and the impact of poor mental health, but the point I was making was OP asked her friend if she wanted her to stop, her friend said yes l, respectfully OP stopped but instead of saying, this is how this has made me feel but I respect your boundaries, she has come on here saying she wants her out of her house.

Let’s not forget that people have the right to put their own boundaries in place, she doesn’t sound like she was doing it to be invalidating or cruel. That is OP projecting on to her.

I am confused at what boundaries are supposed to even mean anymore. Like woke, gaslight and a certain acronym banned on mumsent it seems to just mean whatever is convenient.

I’m sorry you had such a horrendous childhood.

I’m also sorry you feel this way about your friend but she isn’t silencing you, you don’t need to filter your past. Sadly you don’t know what she has been through herself, she may be keeping quiet on some of her past and hearing your information might be triggering for her.
It’s a new friendship so maybe not all of your past needs to be shared over the weekend. it’s great you’re coming to terms with it but some things may not need context or if they do, you can just say due to your past and leave it up to her to ask more. Over time she may naturally open up to wanting to know more about your life.
I personally wouldn’t let the friendship go yet, you enjoyed spending time with her before all of this.

It could also be that she had some bad experiences too. I really don’t like talking about my past, it really messed me up and I’m not in a place where I can just talk about it and may never be. If the topic of childhood comes up in conversation I shut it down pretty fast and try to change the topic. You never know what’s going on or has gone on in someone else’s life and they may have good reason not to want to talk about certain things.

She wants to have fun , light-hearted banter. Not go over traumatic experiences. You also have no idea what she has had going on and maybe doesn't want to revisit

How long have you been friends?

I'm sorry for everything you suffered as a child and that you opened up to someone who for whatever reason didn't want to or couldn't cope with being opened up to.

You don't know her history I assume. Perhaps she had a similar or worse childhood and couldn't cope with unexpected disclosures from a new friend. Not everyone is able to cope with that because of their own trauma.

Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

And this is the biggie, really, I think. Your new friend made you feel that old sensation of shame, one of the most powerful of human emotions.

In turn this has made your anger bubble up. It's good to vent on MN, but maybe pick a different board than AIBU? This board is a pretty harsh place at the best of times.

So you can't wait for her to leave, because you asked if she wanted you to stop and she answered honestly.

You have no idea what trauma she might have in her past that you might have triggered,, because you're only focusing on you. It hasn't occurred to you to consider that she might have her own reasons for not being able to listen to yours.

Op I had an abuse childhood so I get that part ok. What I don't get is why you would just offload all this very personal stuff on a fairly new friend. She wasn't invalidating you and saying that makes you seem you think she owes you something. She doesn't. At the end of the day most people who have suffered trauma like this myself included wouldn't just open up to someone they hardly know like that unless it was a therapist, she is not your therapist and shouldn't be treated as such.

She was probably hoping for some chill fun time , you don't know what she has going on in her life and don't just presume she would tell you either so you wouldn't know.

I can't understand why you feel so upset because she put boundaries in place though. Not everyone wants to listen to people's tales of woe regardless of how long they've known them . She was correct to do what she did and she didn't silence you so I feel that's reaching if I'm honest.

I’m sorry you went through so much, OP.

Everyone is different. Some people can listen to trauma and get along fine. Others cannot. Your friend has shown you which one she is. You want to share trauma. She’s unable to listen. Maybe the friendship isn’t meant to be?

For me, In the early stages of a possible friendship, she revealed so many traumatic events. It took me a long while to get over the effect it had on me because it triggered certain things for me.
I distance myself from that day.
I understand it wasn’t her fault that she went through those things but it wasn’t mine either and I couldn’t cope.
Your new friend might distance herself anyway, if she can’t cope.

Sorry OP but it sounds like you have more work to do in therapy.
I also dont think a new friendship is the place to dump all this.
You don't know he background either.
If you started to tell me I would ask you to stop- not because you feeling are invalid, but because these are areas I wouldn't want to discuss- especially in a new friendship.
It would be very triggering for me.
I have been with my OH 25 years.
We both suffered abuse as children.
We know it happened, but we don't talk about details.
We prefer it that way.
We have a very close and loving relationship- but even within that we don't have to share everything.