Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

I would have listened to you OP

As pp said, she may not have capacity herself to listen to what happened.

I think it’s difficult to know with a new friendship whether the person is just a bit self-involved or if there are reasons they can’t listen.

I’d handle this by not censoring what happened but why saying ‘I can’t answer that question as it touches on what happened to me’. That way, you are taking back some control and acknowledging what happened.

And if she wants to talk about her traumatic experiences, feel free to say you’d prefer not to talk about it. She can’t have it both ways.

Even with counseling I think we need to process and reprocess things that happened to us.

You two may not be a good fit as friends but that does not mean either of you did anything wrong. Not everyone can handle the details of someone else’s childhood trauma.

I know it must have really hurt to have her say she didn’t want to know any more. You were opening up to her and trying to give her the chance to get to know you, and knowing you means knowing about your whole life. It would feel like a rejection to be told someone needed you to stop.

I think the fact that you offered to change the subject is important here. In this situation I would have interpreted this as a genuine offer that but clearly it has triggered your own feelings of having to self censor. I can see why you feel upset at this having happened to you at all - it is a travesty and I am so sorry - but I think it's unfair to project that onto your new friend.

She’s not your therapist, it’s not her fault she doesn’t have the skills to handle complex trauma.

At work do you ring up your trauma?
would you bring it up to a customer?
to your children?

I consider myself a good friend and go out of my way to support friends going through (in some cases) some really difficult things. I don’t just sit and wait for them to come to me either, I reach out and ask them.

But these are old, good friends and we know each other well.

I would find a new friend talking about profoundly traumatic experiences to be incredibly confronting.

It can feel impossible to know what to say, when you don’t know someone really well. The concern of saying the wrong thing, or of spouting insincere platitudes, would be crippling for me.

OP - I wonder why you have started this thread. It doesn’t feel like you want to hear others’ perspectives?

Why not?

You have started the thread. I hope you take something away from it.

If not, and if you’re convinced you’re right to feel highly aggrieved, then that’s the end of this friendship for you, isn’t it?

We all do this though? A friendship does not require you to share every part of yourself!

You remind of someone I met who tried to tell me about the time she had been sectioned and the time she had been stalked the second time we spoke! Waaaaay too much info and far too intense for me.

I was going to say exactly this. You asked her if she’d prefer if you stop (you must have had a sense that she was uncomfortable) but if she wasn’t allowed to accept your offer to stop then you weren’t really asking.

I’m sorry to hear about all the trauma that you’ve been through . In the nicest possible way, I think you need to speak to your therapist of how to deal with new friendships and continue seeking help.

But it seems to me that your expectations of a new friendship is different. Taking things slowly would be better and unlike a therapist, not everyone is equipped or trained to deal with it.

It’s not about playing “nicety nice” or being “silenced”. You asked if she preferred you stopped, and she was honest. Nobody is saying to “play nice”. The fact that you immediately assumed those things and now you want her to leave and are getting angry inside etc. I think you are projecting your thoughts and feelings on to your new friend and others.

It doesn’t mean that are being invalidated, you just need to take things slowly and accept that not everyone can and will be able to deal with everything you say. There are some who will be able to listen and there are some who won’t be.

It’s good that you are opening up, and you shouldn’t shut that door but your friend might not have been prepared to deal with this. And just as she was honest when you asked her if you should stop, you also can be honest and say when questions are asked about your childhood that the things you say might be triggering if she too has past trauma or she might not be ready to hear it.

Just another thing, your past doesn’t define you. You don’t have to talk about your childhood just for someone to get to know you and you also can say that you’re not comfortable to talk about it just yet.

And to be quite frank, sometimes it’s better to speak things through with a counsellor/therapist than a friend, whether old or new, or family member who might end up saying the wrong thing unintentionally because they’re not trained.

You clearly made friends with this person and she liked your company enough that she’s come to stay the weekend. You can be who you are and not have to “play nice” You just have to be mentally prepared that some friends might not be good with listening to all those things and others might be, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t care if they’re not ready to listen to to you. There shouldn’t be conditions on friendships. You don’t need to define your friendship with your past relationships and trauma.

All in all, it might be your past memories and memories that are part of you because they are your experiences, but it shouldn’t invalidate you because the past you isn’t the present you so don’t let your past dictate your present or define you as a whole.

When I worked in treatment, we used to say the last thing we would tell anyone leaving was"when someone asks how you are, say 'fine'". Getting in the habit of talking about trauma, to those who are trained and/or willing is great. But not everyone is willing or trained. It might seem unfair, because it is. But that's not the fault of your friend. Punishing her because she has boundaries isn't kind and it's not friendly.

I know a few people who really struggle with equal, happy relationships after trauma. They are angry, frustrated and believe and behave as though they are owed. They aren't happy and they don't have happy relationships. If you want to be happy and have happy elation ships, you will probably have to do more work. And accept that friendship doesn't mean someone wants to know the whole of you.

I feel for you both to be honest. It's such a tough situation, but I really hope your friendship continues.

I too have been through a lot. I never mention my son. I can't even talk to a counsellor about him, despite being told "It's good to talk" etc. I just can't.

I find writing helps me more me than anything.

I rarely tell anyone anything about mine. Oh asked a question and she gave an honest answer, sounds like a good basis for a friendship to me. I'd be concentrating n making happy memories together that you can reminnice cover in time to come.

Sparklybutold - so sorry that you have experienced such trauma in your life. It sounds like you need to continue/have more therapy and to discuss this reaction in the therapy. Perhaps your friend has experienced trauma too. It’s not her responsibility to hear yours. I can understand your frustration and hurt though. I hope you can find support in therapy or from others who are more able to support you than this particular friend. I agree with you, the anger has been ‘directed on to her’.
look after yourself

I really disagree with all these responses. OP she isn’t the friend for you. Plenty of people do not feel triggered/drained/upset etc by listening to someone else’s trauma and are happy to listen and accept that not everything is nice and perfect all the time.

I actually think the friend is the self absorbed one, making her trauma about you. If you want to develop a lasting and deep friendship with people you can’t ask them to censor or shut off part of themselves. It’s taken me a long time to find the good friends that I have, but we would never, ever say anything like this to each other - in fact we always encourage each other to keep talking if we need to and reassure each other that we are not a burden/negative/too heavy etc.

I say this as someone with mental health issues and past trauma myself. Other people’s trauma has no bearing on my own. I’d never ask someone to box theirs up and put it away especially if they were being honest in the context of a conversation. People who say other people’s problems are too upsetting for them - that’s a them problem. It’s not my job or your job to moderate my life story to keep others happy. She isn’t the right friend for you. I’d probably be asking her to leave.

"But I know I can play nicety nice because I spent a whole fucking childhood playing nice"

I am so sorry for you @Sparklybutold

I have been playing "nicety nice" for a long long time so you have all my sympathies.

So when people ask about your childhood do what I do - give a vague reply and immediately turn the conversation back to them. They will of course happily go on talking about themselves and you'll have avoided "dumping" your "trauma" on them.

As others have said perhaps some more counselling will help.

Lots of love to you

My mother had a very traumatic childhood and her subsequent teens and twenties were filled with terrible events. She told me everything when I was a child (starting around 9ish) and it was awful. She continued telling me everything, sometimes over and over again until I put boundaries in place in my early twenties.

She got angry the first few times I told her to stop and said I was being disrespectful by not listening. The truth is, I almost felt like I was taking on her pain and I actually had a breakdown aged 18 triggered by how I internalised her past. Sometimes she would start talking at me about something awful and it would feel like a psychic assault. Sometimes I would start feeling dizzy and sick as she told me the same awful story over and over.

I ended up needing therapy as an adult. She never tells me anything now. I don't share anything of any true depth with even my husband as a result. I can't imagine the thought of burdening someone in the way I was burdened. Taking on someone else's painful memories should be a consensual agreement.

Op I'm really sorry for what you went through, I truly am.

There might be people you get to know over time who you can share this information with but really most people will expect to make friends on a superficial level initially. For many people this kind of information is shocking or triggering. Actually I would worry about someone who was wanting to hear this,that they were nosey or had a salacious interest. Or that they has no boundaries and you will end up with an unhealthy dynamic. Also you need to work out who you can trust with this information before you share. You can say vague things alluding to difficulty and leave it there . I actually think there might be a basis of a good friendship here, she was honest about her boundaries and her response was appropriate.

Do you have any idea what trauma your "friend" maybe carrying around ? No, because it is all about you.

Excellent post by @FurAndFeathers.

When getting to know someone there's no need to tell them about your upbringing. There's no need for it to come up, unless you're still emeshed in your position as a victim. They're getting to know you NOW, and this doesn't mean they have to do a deep dive into your past. And the fact that you feel "silenced" by not being allowed to dump everything about your history onto them shows that you still have a lot of work to do in therapy because this isn't a helpful or healthy mindset.

Lots of people have horrible things they don't share with friends. And you have no idea what your friend may have gone through, because she may not have wanted to share her own trauma with you. Not considering that as a possible explanation shows that you're very caught up in your own perspective.

I imagine once your friend leaves this weekend the friendship will cool. You'll be carrying anger towards her and she probably feels awkward. Therapy on what to expect from friendships might help you to figure out what you're looking for from friends in the future. Treating them as a stand-in therapist to validate what a tough childhood you had isn't healthy for you.

And yes, I come from a very tough background too but this isn't a pissing contest. I only mention it as it means I have some personal experience of learning what's appropriate to share and how to build friendships based on who you are now.

This is obviously abusive behaviour from your mother and traumatising for you. But it wasn’t what the OP was doing - it sounds like a conversation about their childhoods came up and she told the truth about elements of hers.

I absolutely disagree that the burden should be on trauma survivors to keep it to themselves so as not to upset other people. Not everything is nice all the time. Being truthful about having experienced trauma when asked about your past is not the same as forcing someone to sit and listen to the gory details.

If someone asks about your relationship with your mother, for example, you’re absolutely within your rights to say it was toxic and unpleasant. If other people can’t handle hearing that that’s their problem.

YANBU to feel like that. I had a very traumatic childhood, I've never had therapy but I am in a place in my life were I don't hide it and will be honest if brought up. I'm clearly okay with it but you can see some people panic when I mention it, not knowing what to say. It's a horrible response. I had this conversation a number of years ago with a trauma specialist and compared it to being sick on the table. Nobody blames me but at the same time they act like I have made an awful social faux pas that nobody knows how to deal with.

Again this isn't everybody, lots of people are fine. Some even start asking lots of questions, I usually find this reaction quite wholesome to be honest as my whole thing is we should be able to normalise not hiding this stuff.

All that said I don't think people who panic and want to change the subject are bad people. For one thing some of them may be traumatised themselves and cope with it by not thinking about it. For another it isn't completely socially acceptable yet and people are taught to avoid disturbing subjects.

I also work in a job were we deal with lots of trauma and it's been noted more than once that I am very good at communicating around this issue. Be that officially or in direct work, I always give the same advice when asked. Trauma is part of these people's lives, when you act shocked or awkward you telling them to be ashamed... of their life. Don't do it.

I had an abusive childhood and most of my friends don’t know much about it. I would never tell a new friend stories from it. I do t even know how that would come up in conversation enough times for you to tell lots about it.

Hope you’re ok, OP. It sounds like you’ve survived some awful experiences. I’ve listened to many friends telling me bad stuff; it makes me know and understand them better. I wouldn’t resent hearing it, but not everyone is the same, obviously. Childhood trauma is tough, so fair play to you for getting through it.

This is nonsense. She wasn’t “trauma dumping”, which is a stupid phrase as it positions the trauma survivor already at a disadvantage. She was telling the truth about her background when asked about her childhood.

True friends absolutely should be accepting of all the facets of someone, and being honest about having a difficult past does not mean someone is wallowing in a victim identity. If anything it takes strength to accept it and call it what it was.

It sounds like you are projecting on to her. You asked her if she wanted you to stop talking about it, she answered you honestly. You are invalidating her feelings to validate your own and then to say you just want her out your house, is somewhat harsh. The compassion you expect from her, you should give to her.

I would also say I would be wary about telling this to a new friend.
You don't know her well enough to know that she is not going to gossip.

Personally if a friend needed to talk, I would be there to listen.
People who have been through or are going through tough times are encouraged to talk about it, so please don't feel you have to stay quiet.
It's just that there are some people who can't handle it.

It put me off talking about when I spoke to a friend I had known a long time about the sad situation with my son. She changed the subject and made me feel embarrassed for having mentioned it. This made me clam up completely.
However, she would quite happily tell me about her son of the same age who lives happily after without a thought for my feelings on everything my son missed out on.