To have another child - how do you know when you're done?!

Unlikelyfarmerswife · 2022-08-07T17:55:25+00:00

I am 37 and have an 9 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. When I had my second child, I was convinced we were done. As the years have gone by I have been less convinced, but as time ticks away, I get older and the potential age gap gets bigger it makes me question if stopping at two is the right thing. We have had issues in the past with miscarriages so I am fully aware nothing is guaranteed but I just can't shake the feeling - the absolutely sensible thing to do would be to stop, we have two beautiful children and life is just starting to get a bit easier with them both at school etc. But I've just got a nagging feeling we would regret not trying. AIBU to consider trying for another child?!

Cookiecupcake · 07/08/2022 19:01

Go for it. I have 2. Am one of 2. Always wanted more and maybe a girl but would live 3 boys too. My husband says no more but I also have a frozen embryo waiting for me so will need to make a decision. If my husband was up for it id have another although everyone says I'm mad and 2 is the golden ticket apparently

StoneofDestiny · 07/08/2022 19:26

What will 3 children give you that 2 has not?

SeemsSoUnfair · 07/08/2022 19:26

Think about the cost of uni if they all want to go and driving lessons and years and years of exams ahead 🤣

SavoirFlair · 07/08/2022 19:27

StoneofDestiny · 07/08/2022 19:26

What will 3 children give you that 2 has not?

Great question and one that should always be asked by folk in this position.

willingtolearn · 07/08/2022 19:33

I don't think it's just about what you want, although that is one part.

What does your other half think about this. How about your children.

What impact will this have on the opportunities you can give the children you already have? Will this make their life worse in the time you can give to them. Will you be more tired/less patient or available to them during pregnancy/early babyhood or this 3rd child.

Are you financially stable enough to fully support 3 children even if financial circumstances change.

If you can give a 3rd child sufficient funds, time and attention, even if circumstances change for you or other family members (such as one of you becoming unwell) then go for it.

MissCrowley · 08/08/2022 08:15

I'm also going throwing a spanner in the works and this may sound awful and not be a popular opinion.
But... I'm big on environmental impact and I have two children (both surprises). I adore my children but in the current climate I wouldn't want to bring children into the world. I worry too much for my children's future, plus the lack of resources.
In a nutshell there are too many people on this earth, we are too good at fighting back illnesses and fighting old age. I'd be considered ancient if it was the 16th century as I'm nearing 40. People are living longer; more children are surviving and there's no end to the population growth.
The nutrients in the soil aren't as good as they used to be due to it being overworked (look up Sadhguru) and we all know the impacts that humans are having on the climate.
And before anyone starts asking me what I do:

I have a low emissions car. I live in the arse end of nowhere.
I last used a plane six years ago.
We use as little electricity and gas as possible and switch off everything at plugs.
I use substitutes for everyday products- environmentally friendly sanitary wear, eco friendly cleaning products etc. (it is piss taking how much more these things cost compared to the other less earth friendly options and I am not made of money!)
We eat meat sparingly and avoid soya.
The kids litter pick in their local area (constantly because we live in an AONB which attracts a LOT of visitors)
I use Amazon, I do disagree with the amount of packaging and I do try and buy things in a group to minimise the amount of deliveries.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/08/2022 08:20

So you miss the baby stage or do you actually want to raise another child? To go back to the beginning now I think would be madness- to have to split wkend plans between a toddler and a tween would be hellish, the sleepless nights yet having no evening as your eldest is up later, the expense, the bigger car, more expensive holidays.
Can you tell I don’t understand having more than two kids? 😂In all seriousness OP think the whole idea through not just the newborn phase.

VanillaSpiceCandle · 08/08/2022 11:33

MissCrowley · 08/08/2022 08:15

I'm also going throwing a spanner in the works and this may sound awful and not be a popular opinion.
But... I'm big on environmental impact and I have two children (both surprises). I adore my children but in the current climate I wouldn't want to bring children into the world. I worry too much for my children's future, plus the lack of resources.
In a nutshell there are too many people on this earth, we are too good at fighting back illnesses and fighting old age. I'd be considered ancient if it was the 16th century as I'm nearing 40. People are living longer; more children are surviving and there's no end to the population growth.
The nutrients in the soil aren't as good as they used to be due to it being overworked (look up Sadhguru) and we all know the impacts that humans are having on the climate.
And before anyone starts asking me what I do:

I have a low emissions car. I live in the arse end of nowhere.
I last used a plane six years ago.
We use as little electricity and gas as possible and switch off everything at plugs.
I use substitutes for everyday products- environmentally friendly sanitary wear, eco friendly cleaning products etc. (it is piss taking how much more these things cost compared to the other less earth friendly options and I am not made of money!)
We eat meat sparingly and avoid soya.
The kids litter pick in their local area (constantly because we live in an AONB which attracts a LOT of visitors)
I use Amazon, I do disagree with the amount of packaging and I do try and buy things in a group to minimise the amount of deliveries.

I hate this argument. So it’s ok for you to have children but not for anyone else now because of the environmental impact? Ridiculous.

However I do think two children is more than enough for anyone. Think about how much less time you’ll have for the others and how all of your other resources will have to be split. Two healthy, happy children is lovely.

CalistoNoSolo · 08/08/2022 11:43

Two is more than enough. A third would be a purely selfish thing for your own gratification. You'll have less time and money for your existing children and very costly from an environmental point of view.

LearnedAxolotl · 08/08/2022 11:46

What impact will another child have on your existing children in terms of your time, money, space?

I think you'd be mad to have another child. Standard of living is going down, cost of living is going up and the entire planet is in for a very difficult future. Why you'd want to bring another child into that i have no idea.

Aus84 · 08/08/2022 11:50

MissCrowley · 08/08/2022 08:15

I'm also going throwing a spanner in the works and this may sound awful and not be a popular opinion.
But... I'm big on environmental impact and I have two children (both surprises). I adore my children but in the current climate I wouldn't want to bring children into the world. I worry too much for my children's future, plus the lack of resources.
In a nutshell there are too many people on this earth, we are too good at fighting back illnesses and fighting old age. I'd be considered ancient if it was the 16th century as I'm nearing 40. People are living longer; more children are surviving and there's no end to the population growth.
The nutrients in the soil aren't as good as they used to be due to it being overworked (look up Sadhguru) and we all know the impacts that humans are having on the climate.
And before anyone starts asking me what I do:

I have a low emissions car. I live in the arse end of nowhere.
I last used a plane six years ago.
We use as little electricity and gas as possible and switch off everything at plugs.
I use substitutes for everyday products- environmentally friendly sanitary wear, eco friendly cleaning products etc. (it is piss taking how much more these things cost compared to the other less earth friendly options and I am not made of money!)
We eat meat sparingly and avoid soya.
The kids litter pick in their local area (constantly because we live in an AONB which attracts a LOT of visitors)
I use Amazon, I do disagree with the amount of packaging and I do try and buy things in a group to minimise the amount of deliveries.

Oh FFS. You can’t be that big on environmental impact if your using the internet to chat on a completely unnecessary forum.

MsTSwift · 08/08/2022 11:51

You’re just getting out of the baby stage! Why on earth would you want to turn back the clock and go back to do all that again? Live your life move onto the next chapter. Also agree with pp on the environmental side.

RoseHarper · 08/08/2022 11:52

We stopped at two, slightly different as I didnt ever feel a longing for a third but a big part of that was feeling lucky to have two healthy children, easy pregnancies and births, and I didnt want to tempt fate i suppose. Also, a lot of things are tailored to a family of 4, holidays, cars etc. I think you need to consider the impact on your existing children, re finances, support, time you can spend with them, the age gap between oldest and youngest. Will there be family activities you can do with the oldest and youngest? Holidays to suit both? It's a very personal decision.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 08/08/2022 11:54

I could have written this. I have similar feelings and similar age gaps. I think some is related to the youngest starting school etc.

We had planned a third but the stress of lockdown made that a no go, which makes it slightly worse.

I am also undecided but leaning towards no more. It's entirely based on logic, as I feel pretty broody. I just know there are so many things arguing against a third - tiredness, sleep, money, the freedom we have now the kids are older, the things we can now do for them because they are olders, etc etc. Then there is the increased risk with complications and the health of the baby due to materal age. I don't know, logically it just doesn't stack up.

Drivingmisspotty · 08/08/2022 11:56

Lots of reasons not to….

But I have a bit of an existential crisis when I think about this. I have two children. I only have one life. If I don’t have any more then I will only ever have two children. Why not take the chance to have more? More love, a new individual beautiful human being to experience life with! Screw the cost of uni and having to change more nappies. Bringing another life into the world is so much more than that.

LearnedAxolotl · 08/08/2022 11:57

I'm also going throwing a spanner in the works and this may sound awful and not be a popular opinion.
But... I'm big on environmental impact and I have two children (both surprises). I adore my children but in the current climate I wouldn't want to bring children into the world. I worry too much for my children's future, plus the lack of resources

Surprises.... Sure. More like you wanted to children, so had two children and now lecture others about the environmental impact of children. Picking up the odd bit of litter is not going to offset the carbon of two children. The things you list as some kind of justification are absolutely laughable. "I use Amazon, but only every now and again!"

Loics · 08/08/2022 12:00

We always said 3 would be our maximum, we currently have 2. I'll probably always think how nice it would be to have another baby, a friend has just had their fourth and I was thinking how that's a nice, even number, but realistically I know it would be too many for me, personally!
Perhaps an unpopular opinion, but I don't consider environmental factors when deciding if we will have that third child, it's purely down to other, more personal factors. I do what I can to be eco-friendly, which is a lot, and often more costly, come to think of it, but it isn't a factor in this one decision.

RagingWoke · 08/08/2022 12:06

I knew I was done after dc2 was born. Holding him I knew he was my last baby.

Now when I'm with dc I adore them, but the idea of having another baby/toddler and raising another child does not appeal. I have the finances, time, emotional capacity etc for the 2 I have and adding another would be detrimental to them.

We are almost at the stage where childcare costs will reduce dramatically and I'm quite looking forward to having an extra £900 a month (to make the energy rises easier to swallow!). We have little family support and I couldn't ask anyone to help out with 3 dc, my mum can handle 2 but I couldn't ask her to have 3.

Then there's the wider issues of the environmental impact that I admittedly didn't understand fully before having dc, over population and the economic situation and what world our children will inherit.

boymama82 · 08/08/2022 12:08

I had 2 boys in 2 years and I'm more than happy with that as we didn't think we were gonna end up with one after 3 miscarriages. More than happy with our family of 4!

Starlight86 · 08/08/2022 12:10

Do what the fuck you want OP.

I have 3Dcs, i love labour and the baby stage, that wee snuggly baby just compares to nothing else.

BUT

I then love the toddler stage, and them getting more independent and seeing their wee brains grasp everything around them then becoming pre teens.

Id love a 4th but actually we cant afford it so unless i have a lottery win in the next year or so we are stopping.

MissCrowley · 09/08/2022 08:44

Wow, you lot attacking me makes me laugh!
So I'm not allowed to use the internet because I try and help the environment? Oh piss off. I'll just not bother working then shall I as I need the internet to provide things such as groceries and utilities.

Also I never said people shouldn't be having children just because I have them. The comprehension skills of some people on this forum makes me wonder how the fuck some of you actually manage in life.
Yes I have children, no I don't begrudge anyone having children. I clearly said the world is over populated which is a fact. If you want kids then absolutely crack on, it's none of my business, but maybe don't ask for peoples opinions if it's not what you want to hear.

georgarina · 09/08/2022 08:47

If you want to try then go for it
3 is a nice number, gives that busy family feeling

SleeplessInEngland · 09/08/2022 08:48

That's going to be a pretty big age gap. I wouldn't bother, but at 37 you're still young enough if you wanted to I suppose.

neverbeenskiing · 09/08/2022 08:50

You’re just getting out of the baby stage! Why on earth would you want to turn back the clock and go back to do all that again?

Hormones.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 09/08/2022 08:52

I don’t feel done, at all. I have 2 as well and would love a third. But we can’t afford a third child unfortunately- or rather we could if we were willing to struggle to make ends meet and I really don’t wanna live that kind of life when I don’t have to.

We say when we win the lottery we will have more