To have another child - how do you know when you're done?!

[Unlikelyfarmerswife]

I am 37 and have an 9 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. When I had my second child, I was convinced we were done. As the years have gone by I have been less convinced, but as time ticks away, I get older and the potential age gap gets bigger it makes me question if stopping at two is the right thing.

We have had issues in the past with miscarriages so I am fully aware nothing is guaranteed but I just can't shake the feeling - the absolutely sensible thing to do would be to stop, we have two beautiful children and life is just starting to get a bit easier with them both at school etc. But I've just got a nagging feeling we would regret not trying.

AIBU to consider trying for another child?!

My broodines never went away but logically another child would not have been a good idea in my situation. I'm glad dh got the snip as I think my hormones would have overpowered my logic.

There’s also this - I’m big on environmental issues too and the worst thing you can do for the environment is bring children into the world. So I’d be a massive hypocrite if I had another

Eh? Correct me if I’m wrong but MN isn’t taking up physical space anywhere?

I don’t think you have to ‘know’ you’re done. Sometimes you just have to say ‘I am happy with what I have’ and decided that’s it. Using your head instead of your heart.

You need to ask yourself how you would manage in the event a 3rd child had significant SEN or disabilities. Are you in a position to cope with this financially, practically and emotionally? How would your DH and DC cope in this scenario?

What if you had twins? Unlikely but could happen.

I think it's really important to consider the impact of adding to your family on your existing DC. Would one of them have to go from having their own space to sharing a bedroom for example? Would their current activities be curtailed? Inevitably, you would have less time and attention to devote to them.

More DC obviously costs more money, would you have to change your car, for example and could you afford to do this? Could you afford holidays, day trips and meals out for a family of 5? These things may not be important to you, but they are to some people.

@MissCrowley the world is sooo over populated yet I had 2 children 😂😂😂

@Unlikelyfarmerswife ignore the massive hypocrite on the thread and do whatever you like. Personally, I think big families are much more fun so long as you can give each child the time and resources and you can comfortably afford it. me and DH are both from big families and it was amazing. I’m currently pregnant with number 4 and very, very happy. This child will have 1-1 time just like the other 3 and all the other great things our current 3 have. If you want another and can afford it emotionally and financially; go for it! Good luck.

You're not wrong for wondering about a third but your husband really needs to be on board too, or else you could end up with three children but an unhappy husband and troubled marriage.
I always said if my husband didn't want a second, it was more important to then focus on us as a family of three than put that pressure on him having another (he changed his mind in the end and now I'm pregnant with our second...and last!)

Although I must say, I'm no fan of the baby stage so I'd find it very difficult to go back to that if my youngest were 5. Do you worry that your other children might be restricted in things you can do as a family if you suddenly have to bring along a 1 year old everywhere? Just something else to think about

I don’t think you have to ‘know’ you’re done. Sometimes you just have to say ‘I am happy with what I have’ and decided that’s it. Using your head instead of your heart.

Exactly. What if you never feel "done"? What if you have a 3rd but when they get a bit older you start feeling broody again. Do you have a 4th? Then a 5th? Where does it end? How are these hypothetical DC going to make you feel complete or "done" if your existing DC haven't?

Surely at some point you have to take a step back, think logically and accept that this phase of your life is over and it's time to move on.

Why wouldn’t you? Seems like an amazing time to bring another child into the world. Go for it hun!

Look at all the financial implications, bigger car, getting to different schools, nurseries, size of the house, number of bedrooms, increased child spending, returning to work and managing childcare, university fees etc. Not worth it imo, but everyone is different

This.

@KangFang @StoneofDestiny Presumably, a 3rd child 😂

Can we use more critical thinking and analysis than that?

What do people even mean when they say ‘what will a third child give you?’.

presumably we all know that a baby doesn’t pop out with a gift of a pair of Louboutins. So you mean on an emotional level? I imagine a third child gives people the same emotional joy a 1st and 2nd child does?

I had two and was broody for a third. I certainly didn't feel done. I was on the fence really. However certain things happened in life that meant I couldn't have any more. I'm now 47 and my children are 9 and 11. I just feel relieved and happy I didn't have a third!! I think of all the expenses as they reach their teens, possible university fees for 3, just the general hard work. But by far the main reason for being glad I have two is that I can give them both so much attention.

presumably we all know that a baby doesn’t pop out with a gift of a pair of Louboutins. So you mean on an emotional level?

Yes, people mean what will a third child bring to your life that makes you feel fulfilled if two haven't. How will a third child give you a sense of being "done", that your family is complete? If you don't already have that feeling with two, how do you know you'll have it with three?

Call me cynical... but I think as a general rule of thumb if you're wondering if you're done its God's way of telling you you are indeed done.

With the economy as it is and the impact it will have on your earning potential it isn't going to be a smart move. I think a lot of the time women talk themselves into feeling "broody" because their kids are growing up and they miss the little kid stage.

Listen to your head.

@MissCrowley Just wanted to say that it's not true that there's no end to the population growth. The birth rate is already below replacement level across the entire developed world. The only reason the UK population isn't falling right now is because of immigration from the developing world. Some countries eg Japan already have a declining population.

Developing countries will follow as birth rates go down naturally when women are educated and delay marriage. The world population is predicted to peak in around 2050.

The problem our children will have to face is a declining population, not enough working adults, empty housing etc. might be good from an environmental point of view, but economically and socially it is going to be a big upheaval.

@KangFang why do you feel people need to justify their choices to you? What is it you feel your opinion brings that other posters doesn’t?

For me it was projecting ahead 5 years, 10 years, 15 years. I was broody stop 35/36/37, but I had two primary school aged children and although the thought of a baby was all snuggly and lovely, I realised that:

I didn’t truly want another 10 years of being immersed in ‘little kid’ stuff - toys and kids days out and bloody CBeebies - and I felt like I’d done it to death and was so over it.

I didn’t want to be trailing a third child to and from school and worrying about childcare when my older two were independent and at secondary school.

I didn’t want motherhood to still be impacting on my career progression in my 40s.

I didn’t want to be going through teenage bullshit into my 50s.

Ive had friends who did have a third in their late thirties and it worked out well for them, but at 45 (my D.C. are now 18 & 14) I am so glad I don’t have a 7 yr old hanging about .

In all fairness, the OP specifically asked for people's opinions on this.

I would also like to point out that I didn't plan my children.
If I had the knowledge I have now I would not bring any into being. The world is an absolute shit fest.
That's my point of view.
I'm not a hypocrite for having children already either, and I wouldn't want anymore.
I've not said people shouldn't have children either if they want them; I said think of the whole impact on yourself and the environment if you're planning on having more.

How lovely. Have 10 then!
On a serious note, is it practical to think this way? Costs etc?