To have another child - how do you know when you're done?!

[Unlikelyfarmerswife]

I am 37 and have an 9 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. When I had my second child, I was convinced we were done. As the years have gone by I have been less convinced, but as time ticks away, I get older and the potential age gap gets bigger it makes me question if stopping at two is the right thing.

We have had issues in the past with miscarriages so I am fully aware nothing is guaranteed but I just can't shake the feeling - the absolutely sensible thing to do would be to stop, we have two beautiful children and life is just starting to get a bit easier with them both at school etc. But I've just got a nagging feeling we would regret not trying.

AIBU to consider trying for another child?!

I knew before I clicked on that thread how it would go. MN sure loves its two child policy, guess we should put posters on this thread in charge of China.

If you wanna complain about the growing human population do it in a country where the fertility rate is 8 or 9, not in the UK...

While OP's finances is definitely something she needs to consider, frankly children don't actually need nearly as much stuff as society (and big brands !) would have you believe. Also a third would certainly be using a lot of things OP already has - car seat, pushchair, sibling's clothes, etc. Sure, a third needs and should have new things too, but a third doesn't cost nearly as much as a first.

Most cars seat 5 people, unless all three kids need a car seat.

Sharing a room with a sibling really isn't as awful as MN makes it out to be. In fact I don't get the "each child MUST have their own room or else" mentality. I shared with my brother until I was 14 and only stopped sharing because my other brother left and freed up his room. Oddly enough I survived with my sanity intact.

As for uni costs, depends where you live. I'm in a country where uni is virtually free so not concerned about that. Many young people manage well with student loans and a part time job.

As for having enough time for three, my parents managed well enough. Sometimes I was quite glad that they were too busy with my brothers to pay too much attention to me, it gave me some breathing space. Frankly I feel bad for kids whose parents are all over them all the time.

I don't think there's a right or wrong number of kids. I think people are heavily influenced by the experiences they have had as children, positive or negative. People on here seem to be also influenced by the politically correct, virtue-signalling two child policy. I think people who stop at two do so because they only wanted two to begin with or because they truly couldn't afford more (or valued their comfort of living more than a third child, which is totally fine). I think anyone who says otherwise is lying, possibly to themselves too.

OP, your big mistake was asking here. Don't. Think about it, about the costs and logistics, imagine you had three today and how you would handle it practically, and then make your decision.

The funny thing is that if you'd come on here saying you were pregnant by accident with a third and not sure whether to abort or keep it, people would be tripping over themselves to reassure you that you'll be fine with three. Cognitive dissonance at its finest.

I would love a third baby, but my husband is set on just two. Mine are 1 and 2 and I would love to try again next year but I don't think he will change his mind. I do wonder though if 3 would be too much when they are all young, but I absolutely love being pregnant, labour, babies and then watching them grow into toddlers. I think 3 would be enough though.

I have three, with a three year gap between each. I'd say crack on if you're going to, so the gap between them isn't too large.

Every sensible poster commenting on the additional cost and needed space (house, car, etc.) are absolutely correct, But so is the poster who mentions the "busy family feeling" that we have, that I adore. I was actually acutely unwell with postpartum anxiety after my third was born but I wouldn't change our decision to have him for all the world. They are a clan, a little gang, and somehow we shifted from "having children" to "being a family" when we had our third. Not that we weren't a family with two children, but somehow we tipped the balance into delightful chaos. I've had a glass of wine so I'm not explaining myself well but I know what I mean 😀

World population is not decreasing. Obviously my point does not relate to just UK population. It's absolutely critical to use fewer resources globally. Humans have been too successful.

I dont think i would in your position, in not that long you could end up having one in secondary, one in primary and one in nursery, which just sounds really tricky to manage.

I also don't think your current two would benefit, life is becoming more and more expensive so I would want to have more resources and time for the two I already have. If sadly you've previously suffered complications I also wouldn't put myself at risk as you are their mum and they really need you. It is up to you though and what you and your dh feel is best for your family.

Something to think about is the emotional support children need when they are older; as teenagers and young adults. It can be quite draining at times dealing with constant friendship issues, school concerns, opposing wants and needs, pushing of boundaries. IME, young children are physically demanding, older children are emotionally demanding.

@halfsiesonapotnoodle The reason the world population is not decreasing yet is only because of the number of children born in places like Niger, Ethiopia and Afghanistan. These are not the children that are using up the world's resources.

We (in the West) absolutely need to do things to reduce pollution etc but the "have fewer children" box is already ticked and taken care of.

I shared with my brother until I was 14 and only stopped sharing because my other brother left and freed up his room. Oddly enough I survived with my sanity intact.

Still sounds shit though.

I have just recently had one in secondary, two in primary and one in nursery. From next week, I will have two in secondary and two in primary.

It isn't that tricky. You just get on with what you need to do each day.

My two older children share a bedroom, and two youngest share a bedroom. No one has been traumatised from it. Teaches children how to negotiate from a young age and not be spoilt. They share resources which can only be a good thing on this planet!

Yes - and there usually one a month if not more.

Also most secondary kids get them selves there and back - I know it varies area to area but I was very rural and did buses as DN does today - DD used buses/trains to get to next town where her college is - they all walked to the secondary school and their peers it's walk or buses - but suddenly getting secondary kids to school is a major logistical problem that should prevent more children - seen that one a few times recently.

What the MN two-child policy advocates seem not to grasp is that the current fertility rate is an average - even this (below-replacement) rate requires some families to have three or more to balance out the only-child families and the childfree.

There’s something rather short-sighted about the successful and cautious extending their caution to family size 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, in respect of the UK, I’m not sure anyone’s DC will benefit from a drastically ageing population.

My two older children share a bedroom, and two youngest share a bedroom. No one has been traumatised from it.

I'm not sure that 'not being traumatised from it' is the best benchmark, but I can assure you that if you'd have had to share a room with my brother up until the age of 14 (!) you'd agree it was shit.

I don't know. I want to cry at the thought of my youngest being my last. And never being pregnant again. But I think I could also cry at starting to do all the night wakes and bottles etc again!

I have a five year old and a baby and it's quite shit for my five year old this summer, I can't take him to the beach to play in the sea because what do I do with the baby. We can't enjoy the heatwave because I can't take the baby out in that strong sun. You forget when they're older how limiting having very young children is.

The funny thing is that if you'd come on here saying you were pregnant by accident with a third and not sure whether to abort or keep it, people would be tripping over themselves to reassure you that you'll be fine with three. Cognitive dissonance at its finest

Actually if she posted that, people would gauge whether she was happy about being pregnant. If she was, they would reassure her she would be fine while silently thinking the things that are being said on this thread. What's the point of banging on about the downsides of having a lot of kids when she's already pregnant?

Totally inappropriate for a 14 year old girl to share with a boy, whether it's her brother or not. If you can see that situation developing in your future, it's time to stop having more babies.

All good points
Ive never entertained more than 2 personally and the above factors have definitely played a part in thinking

Problem with this is that most people have 2 so are obviously going to say that is best. 🤷‍♀️

All four DC are same sex.

Exactly

Most people I know who start asking themselves this end up getting a dog and treat that like a child instead.
One thing I would consider, I know people have mentioned other dc getting to school and back, but what about their outside clubs, oldest DC is getting to an age where if the do eg scouts/cubs etc they will be at later times during the week, will you have to rely on others for pick ups when it finishes at 9 or later? I don't like relying on others so would be a consideration for me.

One parent stays at home with the others, the other parent takes the child out to their club. Not anything to crazy about this notion. I do it this way. Many others probably do as well with multiple children in a family.

One thing you do need to be is super organised with a large family.

@User48751490 Depends if the other parent works shifts

You know you're done when:

One of you decides no more.
You can't comfortably afford another child, meaning your existing children would suffer
You don't have the space for another
You already have enough that a further kid would be unreasonable in terms of the planet

I think the emphasis on 2 children is because we are now ourselves physically seeing the effects of man made climate change. On an elemental level there need to be fewer of us. The economics will have to be worked out - a human Ponzi scheme of each generation being larger than the one before is not the answer is it!