Husband rage

[Tessabelle74]

Just lost my sh#t at my husband and kids because I'm sick of doing everything around the house. My husband told me not to talk to him for the rest of the day because of my silly little attitude. AIBU to ask where I can dispose of a rolled up rug I no longer need?

What you are failed to perceive here @Suetodo88 is that many men put on a great show of chore-splitting in the early days, but once the DC come along, he begins to shirk & his attitude changes.

Often that's because the woman has a long period at home on maternity leave, & the man gets used to all the domestic load being taken care of by her "because she's at home anyway" - & he then refuses to return to the previous sharing once she's back at work.

Less frequently, but still too common - the man's pattern of abusive behaviour emerges post-cohabitation, or after the wedding, or once they have children.

In short, most women marry a man they believe will share the load, but find out they've been mis-sold a dud once she is truly committed (shared household, finances, children). So your smug comments about the man's laziness & entitlement being the woman's fault are entirely misplaced, & I hope you stop making them.

You need to read the full thread where OP explains exactly what she means by "losing her shit"

If a grown man can't cope with being told he needs to behave like a responsible adult in his own home then he needs to get some therapy.

OP I'm not quite sure what you can do at this stage to be honest. Mine was a lazy arse when we first lived together to the point he complained to his mum that I didn't look after him.like she did! Fortunately for me she put him straight quick smart, I'm forever grateful to her for that. He can sometimes be lazy but he certainly pulls his weight at home despite having a demanding job.

Unfortunately I do think it is learned behaviour, at the moment he's got you where he wants you so why would he want to change?

You need to work on the kids though while they're young enough to learn.

Does he actually have any good points worth staying for?

Because at the moment is sounds like your life is a series of 'fuck you's':

Fuck you Tessabelle you can pick up the dog shit.
Fuck you Tessabelle you can get the kids to do stuff.
Fuck you Tessabelle you can wash my dirty plates.
Fuck you Tessabelle you can pick up after me.

And if you dare say anything - fuck you Tessabelle you are such a nag

What does he actually add to your life beyond stress and irritation?

@Tessabelle74 no, I didn't. He genuinely believed he did half even when he did very little. Then his mum died and he became an alcoholic and things went very bad. He died 12 days before the decree nisi was pronounced, having been removed from the FMH by the police 8 months before that.

I hope yours pulls his head out of his arse and pulls himself together, and if he doesn't I really would end things. This isn't about housework, it's about respect.

My goodness he is nasty.

He has called you a silly little woman, told you to pick up dog shit & not to speak to him.

Wtf does he think he is?

I'd have spoken to him-to tell him that it was over.

Why would want to stay with someone who seemingly hates you?

Do you tip toe around him & second guess his moods/reactions?

Hey @Tessabelle74 I hope this all works out for you and your family. I had a dh who treated me as cook/cleaner/housekeeper/child minder. Like you describe, dc chores did not have a parenting team behind it. The marriage died from a thousand cuts.

And no, he didn't start out like that.

Ah right so he sees you as the support human in the house.

Men who act like you are their parent/support human are so unattractive.

I can tell you being a single parent is is much easier.

Don't do the jobs that are officially assigned to other people, full stop. Do the children understand which tasks are time dependent and what the timeframes are? Can you brainstorm reminders with them - post-it notes or string around the finger for small children, reminder on electronic or physical calander for older ones? The children doing their chores - providing any needed help, encouragement, advice, supervision and yes, consequences and discipline where appropriate - is exactly as much your husband's responsibility as yours. If the two of you split up, he won't be able to avoid doing it half the time anyway (make it clear you won't let him off the hook for this - and don't, if it comes to it) so he might as well start now.

Things are always more complex IRL than in a forum thread, but my suspicion is that your husband thinks he is more important than you, and he's refusing to talk because he doesn't want to admit or discuss that, as he rightly expects that you'll be angry. It's also possible that he genuinely doesn't care if the house is a pigsty and the children neglected, and doesn't care if it bothers you, so he's telling himself you're choosing to do the extra work. And since you do it, he never really has to see the logical outcome of his refusing to participate. His refusing to communicate (even an "I can't talk now, let's talk tomorrow after dinner") just looks like more avoidance.

I suggest on the days he's supposed to make the kids do their chores, that if he doesn't, they become his chores. He can choose to do them himself, or delegate back to the kids, up to him.

So, made a new chore chart. This doesn't cover everything of course, no laundry, food shopping etc but ALREADY he has crossed walking the dog off as apparently he doesn't want to do it and if it's non negotiable he'll get rid of the dog! I genuinely am beginning to wonder WTF I'm staying married for?

Tell him its non negotiable and if he doesn't do it you will keep the dog and get rid of him

Honestly OP he sounds like a total sexist pig. I agree with you in your confusion as to why you are still bothering with him.

Keep wondering that OP.
Start visualising what life could look like without this deeply unpleasant behaviour in it.

Who does he think he is - to "get rid" of the family dog?
This really sound the thin end of a horrible wedge OP. He is so intractable & unreasonable, it's as if he has checked out of home life altogether & is totally contemptuous of your efforts & ... sorry, you.

He's so lazy he can't be bothered to walk the family dog TWICE in a week? Definitely get rid of him and keep the dog.

What an arsehole!

Actually losing your shit occasionally is OK when you're an actual human being, not some mumsnet robot woman. Have you never had a rant/lost your temper?

I'd keep the dog and get rid of him.

He sounds vile.

i agree it’s you can walk the dog or walk out. Tell him you can leave but if you get rid of the dog your kids will never forget the day daddy got rid of their dog because it was too hard to take it for a walk. It will be one of the things they tell their partner as they go get a dog together, to explain why they don’t talk to their dad much and only visit every few years, if that.

Get rid of the husband and keep the dog.

Your misogyny is astounding. What you are saying is that housework is a woman's job. If a woman wants a man that will do his share, she needs to find one that agrees to it? So they are a special breed and the default is women doing it all? What about single men? Should their mothers do their housework?

Well, sadly, I think you've had your answer.

He'll have to step up when it's his turn to have the children, won't he?

I wonder if he takes this attitude into work?

It appears that the OP is taking the bins out...

Omg he’s such a prick! He’s deliberately winding you up and trying to upset you.

I couldn’t put up with that.