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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband rage

143 replies

Tessabelle74 · 06/08/2022 18:10

Just lost my sh#t at my husband and kids because I'm sick of doing everything around the house. My husband told me not to talk to him for the rest of the day because of my silly little attitude. AIBU to ask where I can dispose of a rolled up rug I no longer need?

OP posts:
Trying20 · 07/08/2022 00:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

Original poster
Tessabelle74 · 07/08/2022 07:37

Update, I went to give him a kiss before bed last night as I'm always the one to make the first move after a row and he turned his head away and told me he didn't want to talk to me. As the kids were safely I'd bed I told him to go fuck himself. Now call that abusive if you wish, at this point I'm done. He can make the move to repair things, if he doesn't then at least if we split I'll have one less person to not pull their weight in the house

OP posts:
Jesstoimpress · 07/08/2022 07:44

Why is it a woman's responsibility to assign household tasks? Why does she have to be manager? I certainly wasn't born with some innate knowledge of dishwasher loading and the frequency one might need to clean a toilet.
My ex husband would always help "later". Of course I did everything and resented it.
He sounds like a selfish man child.

rainyskylight · 07/08/2022 07:51

Sorry to read your update OP. I hope your husband wakes up in a better mood. Stay strong. X

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 07:55

Unless he previously did loads around the house then stopped then it’s you who are in the wrong to get angry.
If you want a man who will do more feminine things around the house then get one who does them from the start, don’t marry and have kids with a man who doesn’t and then get mad about it. You chose him.

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 07:58

@Trying20

Nobody’s partner regardless of gender likes to be raged and yelled at. No it may not be frightening if it’s a man but I assume it’s still very uncomfortable for them. Even if someone is in the wrong, when it’s over something like chores “losing your shit” isn’t appropriate imo.

danny735 · 07/08/2022 08:15

I don't understand the vitriol towards OP for losing her temper. Posters on MN really love to pile on sometimes.

Of course it's not ideal to lose your temper, certainly not regularly, but we are all human. None of us are perfect. If she's calmly asked her husband for help and he hasn't pulled his weight, eventually of course she will lose her temper.

OP go and have a day of self-care just for you. Organise a cleaner/ someone to do the ironing and have your DH pay if he isn't pulling his weight. Try to set boundaries early and assertively to prevent the situation escalating.

danny735 · 07/08/2022 08:21

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 07:55

Unless he previously did loads around the house then stopped then it’s you who are in the wrong to get angry.
If you want a man who will do more feminine things around the house then get one who does them from the start, don’t marry and have kids with a man who doesn’t and then get mad about it. You chose him.

Wow. "feminine things around the house"

The misogyny here is breath-taking. What decade were you born in?

In modern times people are partners and should share equal responsibility for running and maintaining the household. If he doesn't want to do the "feminine things", he should arrange and pay for someone to do them and not overburden his poor wife.

I'm quite shocked by the attitudes on this thread.

OP - I'm in your corner.

everylittlehelp5 · 07/08/2022 08:22

Do the posters who find the OP out of order have children themselves? Or have any of them been in this situation?

I've been the family lackey for too long and do everything for everyone. There have been times I've lost my shit - who wouldn't when you feel like you're an employee not a partner and a mum.

Also, Losing your shit doesn't mean screaming, shouting, and being abusive. Losing your shit can be just saying I've had enough of this, I can't cope, I need some help but I'm not getting it, take responsibility for yourselves ...

All the pearl clutchers need to get a grip just because something is worded a certain way.

OP I'm sorry to read your update. Leave them all to it and don't do a thing today. Sunday is a day of rest after all.

rainbowstardrops · 07/08/2022 08:27

What on earth are 'feminine things around the house'?! Have we gone back to 1950?
Honestly 🙄

It's one thing your husband being annoyed/upset with you but refusing to kiss you goodnight - bloody manchild.

Scianel · 07/08/2022 08:31

If you want a man who will do more feminine things around the house then get one who does them from the start

What the fuck is feminine things around the house? Last time I checked, housework is done with the hands not the genitals.

IrisVersicolor · 07/08/2022 08:38

Tessabelle74 · 06/08/2022 20:16

@ulteriorbread I'm going to remind myself daily that I'm not a skivvy! Like most women I'm too used to just doing stuff if it doesn't get done, I'm going to be more like my husband and step over the mess and ignore the jobs I'm not on the new and improved chore list to do

I don’t think the answer is to copy your lazy husband, but to sit down with him and say he’s not pulling his weight - he should be taking adult responsibility for 50% of the chores.

HMSSophia · 07/08/2022 08:41

I bet she has sat him down on numerous occasions. I bet he's agreed, he'll do more, yes the kids should do more, blah blah. Then two days later he's "tired" or "busy" or "will do it in a minute" then a week later it's all back to her doing the lot.

And I BET it was the OP who made the chore lists for and doubtless with the kids, not him.

OP there is nothing wrong or abusive in what you've shared here. He's a PITA

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 08:42

@rainbowstardrops @Scianel
Fine maybe I worded it badly, I’ve been a SAHM and probably more of a traditional setup (which works for us) so that’s how I thought of it but I can see how it might be offensive to some so I apologise.

Forget the word feminine - the point I was making is if you want a man who will do an equal amount to you in the home (their is no “proper” amount to split household care couples need to decide for themselves) then get with a man like that. If you don’t then don’t. If you do want a man who will do an equal amount then why marry and have kids with a man who never has and then get mad when he doesn’t? That’s on you as your the one who changed expectations not him.

LizzieSiddal · 07/08/2022 08:42

Tessabelle74 So sorry to hear your update, he clearly isn’t happy that he’s being pulled up on his laziness.
What a twat!

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 08:45

@danny735

I worded it badly but I don’t agree that couples need do the same exact amount around the house. They can if that’s what they want, but ultimately that is for couples to decide. Deciding that every couple have to do equal housework and equal paid work is just as bad as saying that every couple must have the man doing more paid work and the woman more house work.

It’s an individual choice. To that end the point I was making was that if you wanted a man who did an equal amount you need to choose that man - not choose a man who doesn’t then get mad when he acts how he’s always acted before and it’s not been an issue.

Scianel · 07/08/2022 08:48

@Suetodo88 the thing is, people do. Things often change once children arrive and mat leave sets certain precedents.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2022 08:49

I hope you're feeling better this morning and everyone starts pulling their weight!

LilyMarshall · 07/08/2022 08:52

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 07:55

Unless he previously did loads around the house then stopped then it’s you who are in the wrong to get angry.
If you want a man who will do more feminine things around the house then get one who does them from the start, don’t marry and have kids with a man who doesn’t and then get mad about it. You chose him.

Holy shit! Whats sexist bollox

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 08:53

@LilyMarshall I was wrong to use the word feminine. But take the word out and the point still stands.
Why be surprised or angry at someone who keeps acting the way they’ve always acted?

rainbowstardrops · 07/08/2022 09:11

@Suetodo88 how do you know he's always been a lazy husband?
For all you know, he's been decent about pulling his weight but now is too tired/lazy/arrogant or whatever!
So you blaming the OP for choosing him based on something that you don't actually know, is ridiculous!
How about blaming the pathetic man-child who's quite happy to treat his wife like a skivvy!

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 09:17

@rainbowstardrops

I’m betting he never has done much as most haven’t. If he works and this is the way he’s always been he’s not a man child at all, OP has either changed her expectations of them or not communicated them effectively in the first place.

Herejustforthisone · 07/08/2022 09:23

What is it with @ulteriorbread and @Suetodo88 being misogynistic all over lots of threads at the moment?

“Feminine things around the house”. Get to fuck.

TheWeeDonkey · 07/08/2022 09:24

Oh I'm so sorry to read your last comment OP. It's hard to maintain a relationship when your partner is not being a partner. He sounds exhausting and I'm sure this is the tip of the iceberg.

Charlieiscool · 07/08/2022 09:27

I would get in the car on my own and go somewhere for the day and leave them all to manage without their servant. It’s utterly ridiculous to be the one doing all the cooking, cleaning etc while you also have a job. What is the point of that husband? He is a burden