Husband rage

[Tessabelle74]

Just lost my sh#t at my husband and kids because I'm sick of doing everything around the house. My husband told me not to talk to him for the rest of the day because of my silly little attitude. AIBU to ask where I can dispose of a rolled up rug I no longer need?

@Herejustforthisone

I worded that wrong because of my situation and I apologise. The point I was making was why get with someone who acts a certain way and accept it - then decide later it makes you angry?

Because a competent adult recognises that how they acted at 20 isn't suitable when they have the responsibilities of running a home at 30. They recognise that how you act at 30 doesn't work when you have the added responsibility of raising a family at 40.

Competent adults do no always act in the same way. They grow. Selfish, sexist assholes shouldn't be using well i was a lazy dick at 18 as a way to justify being a lazy selfish dick as an adult and a parent.

@LilyMarshall

Im just saying that if you establish a relationship with a man where you do most of the housework for years and act like your fine with it (and are at the time) it’s a pretty big bait and switch to change up your expectation on that.
It would be like a man saying he was fine with you staying home with your young kids then out the blue getting angry you weren’t earning money.

@Suetodo88 men do change over time. Mine was a full on 50/50 hands on with housework kind of guy, but over time it became more and more my job - even though we both worked full time and I had a far longer commute.

OP has also made it clear that she works.

Honestly, you handmaidens really get on my nerves.

@Suetodo88 I have supported him through 3 years of university, doing EVERYTHING around the house on top of working, for him to get the career HE wanted. Now he's qualified, he STILL expects to be waited on hand and foot DESPITE me asking for help regularly, even breaking down a few months ago about the stress I'm constantly under! Things change then gradually slip back to before almost without me realising it. The chore charts were agreed with me and the kids, all he has to do is ensure they do it as with most kids they won't without a reminder. If I'd wanted a 5th child, I'd have had one! Now if he wants a SAHM, then he better get another job sharpish as he CAN'T AFFORD ME! I charge £12 an hour for the shit I'm expected to do for free around here, no more!

@Suetodo88

I find the concept that people choose their husband based on their preference for completing household chores frankly ridiculous.

I chose my husband for his personality. His kindness, incredible sense of humour and intelligence. There is no one else I would want to be with.

We both work and I actually earn more than him. I make it very clear to him that he is expected to pull his weight around the house and if he doesn't he can arrange and pay for the cleaner (I pull my weight despite having a more demanding job and doing the majority of nights with the baby).

I sincerely hope you aren't instilling misogynistic attitudes in your children and if you have sons, please ensure that they are given tasks to do around the house too.

If he's got to this age without ever managing to be a functioning adult who can tidy up and clean then that makes him more of of a man child not less

Its amazing how many men suddenly work out how to use a hoover after they got divorced. If they had managed to work it out sooner maybe less of them would have got divorced. '

But then I have a DH who manages to do the washing up and have a penis, so how he manages a 'feminine job' without a vagina I do not know...

@pointythings did you manage to find a way around things with your husband? Thank you for understanding 🌹

No. It’s solution finding.

@Tessabelle74

“I have supported him through 3 years of university, doing EVERYTHING around the house on top of working, for him to get the career HE wanted”

This right here is where you went wrong. Why would you think supporting him fully when he wasn’t even working and making money would mean he was going to do more around the house when he did?
If anything he’s less likely to start doing more housework once he actually has that job.

Did you ever actually bring up wanting him to do more around the house when he was at uni?

I’m sorry but your husband sounds like a bag of shit - like the dog shit he told you to pick up.

please read this

That's the bit that got me too. He came into the house to tell you to pick up dog shit. 'Some has to' means 'wife you pick up dog shit'. If he mean the kids he could have found a kid to ask.

@Suetodo88 I WENT WRONG supporting my husband to study? Have you any idea what is involved in studying to be a nurse? No! He worked part time too so I was happy to step up and do more around the home because I was here more. The agreement was made before he took the placement. At NO POINT did I agree that they arrangement would be permanent! He works the same hours as me now, I don't believe him pulling his weight is unreasonable. Get back to 50's with your bullshit

@danny735

But see I’m not talking about you as you made your expectations clear that you wanted someone who did equal in the first place.So in spite of what you say about not choosing your husband based on what he does around the house, you actually have factored that in as you wouldn’t be with him if he didn’t do an equal amount.

Couples don’t need to do an equal amount of housework. I am a SAHM and do the vast majority of housework and that works for us which is what matters. Finding a situation that works for both of you. All I’m saying is it is wise to establish that early so no one is confused or feels either taken advantage of or that they’re being asked to do things they didn’t agree to.

If my sons end up doing all the housework and becoming SAHD that is fine with me if they want it - and if they do none and their wives are fine with that that’s fine too. I don’t tell my sons or daughter that their is one way they must live out their lives

I don’t know how to make lazy self-entitled people pull their weight. I wish I did! I’d make a fortune selling the secret.

But you have my sympathy, Tessabelle74.

I know how easy it is to slip into doing everything just because it all has to be done. It’s harder to break out when those around you are very happy to have an unpaid servant.

Your husband’s rudeness, when you very generously made the first move to kiss him, is a worry. He really does think he is entitled to your uncomplaining service.

Have you thought of taking a fortnight’s holiday, going away on your own, so they see what it’s like without you? Or a bit more drastic, moving out for a while? Or going on strike, literally not doing anyone else’s chores? Maybe couple counselling could wake your husband up?

@Tessabelle74

Im just saying - did you ever actually communicate that you wanted him to do an equal amount of housework when you were first together? Because if you didn’t then you established a situation where you did most of the housework and he had no reason to think you were unhappy with that or would ever want it to change.

If that’s the case (and it may not be) I feel you have unfairly changed expectations of him and are well out of line to be in a rage at him. Poor guy probably doesn’t understand what he’s done wrong or why your acting this way all of a sudden.

This is a very black & white view, & doesn't reflect the dynamics of an abusive relationship. The abused party does not have to present at "the perfect victim" in order for the perpetrator to be the baddie.

Not that I'm suggesting abuse is happening here, but need to RTFT before finding out what's actually happening in OP's household, & if/why she's the only person in her family doing any domestic chores.

He sounds vile

Why aren't you answering about your kids ages. You do realise a big chunk of the work comes from them? You also haven't answered why they are not doing their chores? I'm not attacking you, I'm trying to understand where it went wrong? I think probably your dh whole attitude is a big part of it? My ds is 6yo and does chores, tidies up after himself and very helpful - but he doesn't know any different. He sees dh doing any chore, me doing any chore and to him it what he thinks happens. I'm a sahm too but everyone pitches in. If your dh isn't on board then I can see why your kids aren't.

"This is a very black & white view, & doesn't reflect the dynamics of an abusive relationship. The abused party does not have to present at "the perfect victim" in order for the perpetrator to be the baddie."

If it was the other way around and the husband lost his shit, this thread would be full of posters telling her to get out as he would end up hitting her then strangling her and she needed to keep the kids safe.

Because it's a man, the OP can ask how to dispose of a corpse but she is the abused apparently ..

To say it means a different thing if it’s a man or a woman losing their shit is bizarre to me.

@Trying20 let me help you fathom it.

When a man speaks up passionately in a work meeting, he is called "assertive". A woman doing the same is often called "aggressive".

When a man is unsmiling in public, he is left alone to mind his own business.
A woman doing the same is often called "stuck up" or "cold."

When a man loses his temper, he is just "frustrated & expressing himself strongly".
A woman doing the same is often described as "losing her shit".

If you haven't noticed these examples in your own life it's not because they're not happening. It's because you're not paying attention.

@Suetodo88 we both worked full time when we got together, things were done by whomever saw they needed doing. That continued until WE decided on the uni arrangements. He graduated 3 YEARS AGO and despite me telling him loads of times in those years, nothing changed permanently. He pays me lip service for a while the gradually it goes back to me doing it all. I even call him Arfur, because he'll do half a job, empty the bin but not put a clean bag in, put dirty plates on the side ABOVE THE DISHWASHER etc. I tell him these things annoy me can he just do it properly and I'm a NAG! Unlike you, my working day starts at 9 after a 45 minute school run, then my last call is at 9.00pm, usually finishing at 9.45, I don't have the luxury of being at home all day to get the stuff done, I fit it in around my work. I get to pop home between calls and put the washer on, he'll get home and OPEN the washer door but not put the washing out so then on my next 10 minute break I'll get home to find wet washing when it could have been on the line for an hour if he'd done it! If I was at home all day I'd happily do more but I'm not. I'm sick of asking for help, I SHOULDN'T BLOODY NEED TO! He dirties the plates, he wore the clothes, they're his kids too! I'm happy you enjoy your life, I really am, but count yourself lucky you have the privilege of affording to stay home!

I'm currently doing a masters and doing less of the housework as a result. Is that where my DH has gone wrong, does this permanently enable me to never pull my weight again, woo hoo

You have some very black and white thinking which doesn't echo real life. Things change over life.

At some points in our relationship my DH has been working away and doing longer hours than me, so I have done more housework.

When things changed and suddenly I was working longer hours he didn't sit back and say 'well you didn't tell me I might need to do more from the start so I won't do it now' - of course he didn't. He was a grown up and adulted.

What is your husband loses his job and you need to get one. Will you still be okay with doing all the housework because thats how its always been done. What if something happens to you and you can't do the housework, do you really think its okay for your husband to still do none?

Things change, time changes, adults adapt and adjust.

@Mally100 the kids ages are irrelevant. And I've said a couple of times they have chore charts that are completed only with prodding, on the days he's home and I'm not, the kids don't do the chores mainly because he seems to like the idea that I'M the nag so he doesn't make them. Then I come home and he can paint me as the bad guy because I moan the jobs aren't done and get them to do them.

Yep, because 99% of the time women don't hit and strangle their husbands.

Men around the world aren't dying because women are killing them.

Of course we have a different reaction to a woman losing their temper and a man losing their temper.

Are you really saying you would react the same if a man started yelling at you as if a woman started yelling at you. I would be annoyed at the woman, I would be scare of the man.

And a woman who was scared of her husband because he has 'lost his shit' wouldn't be telling her husband he had a 'silly little attitude'

Those words alone in the OP made it quite clear the husband was not scared, in danger or frankly gave a shit that his wife was upset.