Buying a house with a “granny annex” and having DM move in

[cubicfeet]

Good idea?

YANBU - Yes
YABU - No

Experiences welcome :)

I’m thinking about selling up and buying a larger house with a detached granny annex. I own both my house and the house DM lives in, I lived there before moving to my current house.

DM is 60, independent and keeps herself to herself. Although she is struggling to keep up with the 3 bed house she is in as it has a large garden and she is not capable of keeping on top of it. She isn’t a rich lady and works a minimum wage job, no way could she afford a cleaner or Gardner.

It doesn’t seem a bad idea and I know she would be willing to but it’s a jump that’s not easily reversed.

A LOT more information is needed. How is your relationship? Are you married, have kids?

Our relationship is fine. Not married and don’t have kids although would like to have kids in a few years time.

Agreed

I’m 32 if that helps.

We did it. Now my dbro and his partner live in the annex after my mum died. Separate front doors, separate bathrooms bedrooms and kitchens. Effectively 2 house on one plot. Worked a treat for us and works brilliantly now. No brainer for me.

But, we all like and love each other!

It’s a difficult one. You would be basically ensuring that you are the one to provide support going forwards. I think that would be less of a commitment if you had already had your own family and they had grown up and moved out. However, you possibly still have all of that to come PLUS looking after your mum.

My main concern would be that if it all does become too much you can’t just sell the granny annex and pay for her to live into sheltered accommodation or similar because the granny annex is part of your home.

Can’t she just downsize to a nearby property?

60 also seems a little young to be giving up some of your freedom to move into a granny annex owned by someone else.

@JuneOsborne Yep it would be a separate building away from the main house

Do you have a partner? Do they live with you?

Will she be able to cope with the noise and hustle & bustle kids bring in a few years time? Very different stages of life.

How would your partner/future partner feel about practically living with their MIL?

@OperaStation

thank you and some good points.

she is already in my old house which is owned by me, she only has minimal savings so would never be able to buy or rent her own place.

The absolutely key thing is your relationship and how you feel about her living there. Will you want her popping in all the time? Will she interfere? Will she be understanding of your "boundaries"? Will you be understanding of hers?

Never in a million years would I move my own mother into a granny annexe, but that's because you she would criticise everything I did and try to take over. You relationship is presumably different.

I think it’s lovely OP
I would have a conversation about expectations and boundaries though.
Ideally an annex that is quite separate would be ideal, so you can both come and go without being in each other’s business

Living together worked well for us. DM was declining, and I was already spending so much time driving over to sort out little things like the remote control 'not working'. Then she started to have falls and independent living became even harder. We didn't have a granny annexe but made it work. It was the closest we've ever been in our lives I think, I'm so glad I did it and she didn't end up a care home.

OP, you might want to either re-post on the Elderly Parents board or ask @MNHQ to move this post over there, where there is vast experience on this sort of thing.

yes I have a partner he stays over a few days a week

@HollyBollyBooBoo it would be rural so annex far from the main house and a few acres of land

I speak as the partner of someone whose parent lived in a similar, but not identical set up. As my parent-in-law's increasing age and needs progressed, I felt our privacy, independence and freedom was significantly affected, and not in a good way. If you are thinking of having a partner in the future, you really need to recognise that whilst your relationship with your mum is fine and you are happy at the prospect of such an arrangement, a partner may find it very stifling and unsustainable. There are many threads on here about similar situations.

@Dotcheck luckily she keeps herself to herself. Her mother has very interfering.

Omg she's NOT an elderly parent! She's fucking 60!!!!

You know most of us are still working, travelling around the world, going out!

For the love of god!!

I think annexes work well until the point that personal care is needed for the elderly parent. It's very difficult to predict when and to what extent the care will be needed. Do not underestimate the toll it will take on you and your family when elderly parents get to this point. It's very difficult, almost impossible to imagine, until you experience it. I would make sure, whatever you decide, that you have a plan in place to be able to either access or generate funding for care. This maybe care at home or a care home. My father had a severe stroke in his late 70s and my mother was diagnosed with Parkinsons at 80. Both very fit and healthly people till this point. Very thankful that they had the funds to buy in care and then eventually will be able to sell their house to pay for care homes. You do not want to be at the mercy of council funded care when your parents get to this point (if you can avoid it). Not because council funded care is bad. It's just the bar is very high to get it and you have no choice in what is provided.

As pp have said, please look at the elderly parent board- I’m older than your dm but still providing care for my 95+ year old dm who lives 5 mins walk away.
this is a very long term decision.
on the board are lots of others who have been through what you describe. And being remote will make sourcing care really tricky.
eyes wide open, op.

Will she be happy being rural? Does she drive?

What does your partner think about it? Is he someone you think will eventually move in with you and have children etc? Your mum is still quite young, how does she feel about living so close to you? Do you have a good relationship with her?

Keep your pants on. She was simply suggesting that there is a wealth of experience if this kind of parent-child living arrangement on the other board.

@BlueWhat I think the point is there will be plenty of people on that board who've done this with their parents so will be able to advise on any pitfalls to look out for.