Buying a house with a “granny annex” and having DM move in

[cubicfeet]

Good idea?

YANBU - Yes
YABU - No

Experiences welcome :)

I’m thinking about selling up and buying a larger house with a detached granny annex. I own both my house and the house DM lives in, I lived there before moving to my current house.

DM is 60, independent and keeps herself to herself. Although she is struggling to keep up with the 3 bed house she is in as it has a large garden and she is not capable of keeping on top of it. She isn’t a rich lady and works a minimum wage job, no way could she afford a cleaner or Gardner.

It doesn’t seem a bad idea and I know she would be willing to but it’s a jump that’s not easily reversed.

MIL moved into the house next door to us when she was in her 80s. Way too big for her but she loved it and, most importantly, it meant that we weren't having to do a 3hr round trip on a regular basis with two young children. Being able to pop in and out for 20 mins or half an hour over the day was a godsend.

It worked because she was a fairly private lady and we had got on well for 30yrs already by that point. However we still had very clear discussions on how it would work. Communication is they key. She had lived next door for 12yrs when she died at 96 and, although occasionally stressful, they were very happy years.

It's more a comment on the finances, particularly if the partner has children/grandchildren. My MiL had offers from partners who very plainly wanted free accommodation and household services with no responsibilities (I can see how that would be excluded by your definition of "a good man").

As it is, over time, you might want to consider the impact on your resources. It's not only your mother you might be supporting or for whom you'd be managing care but a partner with dementia (it's happened to my MiL x2) or similar chronic long-term conditions.

How on earth would a gardener cost £3k a year?

2 hours a week @£20 an hour for 6 months of the year should be more than enough unless she lives at Sissinghurst.

@SuperCamp

Suppose you do enter into a relationship and also have kids? You would probably want to move at some stage, for schools, somewhere bigger, yours or partners job…

It would be a long term house as the cost of purchasing is huge when you consider the stamp duty. I would never need a bigger house even with a man and children.

I get your point though things do change and if it did then I’d have to make sure DM was ok.

There are gadgets you can get to monitor people from a distance, for example i they haven’t put the kettle on for a certain time or walked over a pressure mat you would get an alert, this may help reassure her without you haven’t to respond to daily texts/calls which may just remind her of her worries.

If she's working FT, it's not that she 'can't cope' with the garden, it's that she doesn't have time for the garden. DH and I are 10 years younger than her, both work FT and have 3 school age children, we don't spend much time on our garden but it's because we're in the prime of life and are busy living. If it's your property and want the garden maintained then pay a gardener, but don't move your Mum unless she wants to. My MIL is 85 and currently on a pilgrimage round Europe, she'd be very offended if we thought she needed care, it could be decades before your Mum needs care.

I wouldn’t do it, I’m your age and my mum is the same age. I think it would impact on our privacy and independence too much, also you’re pretty much setting yourself up to be her carers if she needs them. She’s only 60, so you could have another 30-40 years of living with her, and if she’s happy with the arrangement yet at some point you or your partner isn’t then it’s more than likely going to cause a lot of upset to move her out.

I would love to be able to do this OP. My mum lives with her husband and is 76 and lives a great life. Volunteering, going into town to meet their friends for drinks, always off for weekends away, so I doubt she would want to 😂

Point being that at 76, she's not a doddery old woman who has lost all her faculties as some people seem to think on here. Honestly, according to mumsnet, if you're over 70, you can't take care of yourself and smell of piss and digestives. Also, old people are interfering old busybodies with no boundaries when it comes to their kids privacy 🙄The ageism is ridiculous.

60 is not old and you could have many happy years together. She might even like to babysit if kids are in your future.

Elderly parents! her mum is only 60!

Here here! I am sick of people on here who talk about people over 60 as though they all have dementia. All of you will be over 60 one day ( if you are lucky).

It's my dream to do this for my mum OP.

Are you having a laugh, her mum is only 60! FFS

Am thinking of the same. Not now, but moving my mum in eventually.

A 60 year old wwho has a worry which is impacting on her ability to live alone.

The mat or kettle is a minimalist approach to allow mum the peace of mind to know that she not actually isolated without the OP having to schedule the daily morning call.

Sounds like a wonderful idea if you could find the right property.

Where does it say the 60 year old lady has a worry, she just can't do the garden like lots of people! You would have her losing all independence at only age 60, this is very ageist!

Back in the real world where children actually love their parents, as opposed to MN, where your parents are interfering or in someway manipulative, I can say that Annex especially detached one's is a fabulous example of how to live together Harmoniously.

If it’s rural and your DM doesn’t drive will she be able to carry on with her minimal wage job?

Her life sounds small and her job and routine might be really important for her MH and sociability - unless she hates it and it is becoming too physically demanding.

I am wondering if it’s you at a cross roads in your life and this is just a distraction project?

Is your partner likely to be the father of your DC and what are the timelines for that as your DM at 60 has decades of independent living ahead but maybe you need to button down your own life goals as your window is not as big as hers?

Wait a minute, what does she want? You’re talking about moving her into a bungalow in your grounds or buying her a flat but she’s the one who gets to decide where to live. Despite the fact that you own the house she lives in. You say she’s mentioned it but has she actually said in a serious way that she wants to move? It sounds like you feel you make the decisions about where she lives just because you’re paying. She has a job and her own life. Whether she wants to live differently is entirely up to her. Is she bothered about not being able to spend much time on the garden or is that just you?

I can’t believe people think a healthy working person aged only 60 is somehow a vulnerable geriatric who needs to be looked after and have other people decide what’s best for them. I’m older than your mum, work full time in a demanding job and won’t be retiring for a few years, take my kids on holiday, travel, I don’t feel old or needy whatsoever and I’d be appalled if my dc were talking about “moving me” from my home. You and some PPs are talking about your mother as though she’s frail and dependent. She is not, she has agency and every right to be in control of her own life. And she isn’t even a granny ffs. When you’re 60 I’m sure you won’t want your kids to talk about “moving” you like they own you, however well meaning.

Your mum is 60!

I would be thinking about this if she were 80, or perhaps a little younger if she is in poor health.

but 60! Are you just after a live-in babysitter?

@BlueWhat. I couldn't agree more. I'm past mid fifties and my husband will be sixty this year. We are both very active, are planning exciting holidays, he is very sporty, we both go out and have fun .......... When I skip read the original post and replies I assumed the mum was in her eighties 😂😂😂

FFS, absolutely not! She is only 60 & could live another 30 years - just let her get on with living her life.
And you are still so young, & any future partner would probably run a mile if you suggested they live wity the MIL.

Oh come on, she is free to do as she pleases. It’s not like I control her for heavens sake.

If I hated her so much I wouldn’t have provided her with a house for nearly a decade.

Tbf to DM the garden is hard work, it’s a large plot. Even in your 30s it can be a pain.

I wouldn’t be living with her, unless you count having neighbours down the road as living together. If a partner did run a mile then good.

perhaps she’d rather spend her evenings and weekends doing other stuff rather than gardening

It sounds a great idea OP
Essentially the house and granny annex cottage is in your name, as you already own her current property

If the situation stops working you can give mum notice and she can move into housing association shelters property with local HA. By that time she may need extra care scheme- living in your daughters annexe would not prevent that as is a disability reason to move