Buying a house with a “granny annex” and having DM move in

[cubicfeet]

Good idea?

YANBU - Yes
YABU - No

Experiences welcome :)

I’m thinking about selling up and buying a larger house with a detached granny annex. I own both my house and the house DM lives in, I lived there before moving to my current house.

DM is 60, independent and keeps herself to herself. Although she is struggling to keep up with the 3 bed house she is in as it has a large garden and she is not capable of keeping on top of it. She isn’t a rich lady and works a minimum wage job, no way could she afford a cleaner or Gardner.

It doesn’t seem a bad idea and I know she would be willing to but it’s a jump that’s not easily reversed.

Oh noticed she's 60. And that's she's asked about this. She'll have many years still so if it suits her, why not?

My point was, if or when she becomes disabled or ill and has health needs if you are unable to care for her and care at home isn't working then she could move to an extra care scheme rental HA flat once not working and retired

Will she have to change her job?

It will be very handy to have her there for
the children. And that may be something she is really happy to do, or it may not!

Actually OP it's very kind that you are paying for her accommodation at the moment

Does she want to move / live in your granny flat?

This thread is hilarious as the woman (with no health needs) is only 60!!!!!

My eldest colleague is 73 and spends her money on Botox and fillers.
Many of my other colleagues are 55-65.. yes some have health issues but they work, like a drink & a night out partying, go on dates if they're single.. etc etc

My neighbour is 70, she has a casual boyfriend and a motorbike.
My other neighbour mid sixties still works, left her husband for a woman recently.

Just saying all this because these days 60 is really not considered old.

Why don't you do your mum a favour, sell the 3 bed and buy her a smaller house or bungalow with a tiny garden in a small local town where she can try out some hobbies in her spare time. As she doesn't go out socially. She may be stuck in a bit of a rut.

She would still be able work no changes.

@Bindayagain she’d love grandchildren.

@SommerTen buying a smaller place is fine and could be done although it will probably cost me around £40,000 in stamp duty and even more in tax.

‘If a partner did run a mile then good.’

Your statement above made me wonder whether there’s an element of co-dependency here? You are in the prime of your life. Why would you prioritise living with your healthy, late middle aged mother over a future DH who would be within this rights to think this set up is too much in your early 30s?

Do you have many friends and a social life of your own OP?

@Endlesssummer2022

At the risk of repeating myself. I wouldn’t be living in the same house.

So if a future partner had an issue then that’s their problem. It’s not like DM and me are in each others pockets.

She likes her own space and so do I.

If she works full time and doesn't have a mortgage/rent to pay then could she pay for a gardener?

It doesn't sound like a bad idea to me. You won't be in the same house but she is nearby to see grandchildren when they arrive, or for you to offer help if she needs it in later years. if you're all on board and happy with it then it doesn't really matter what people on Mumsnet think.

We did it soon after my mum died. We were living abroad so a bit of a different proposition . He loved it there and spending time with his grandson and we all decided it would be a great idea. We sold our house and bought another property in the same village which required lots of work. We renovated it to provide a self contained apartment for my dad, with his own front door and terrace. He adored living there and we loved having him so close to us and no longer having to worry about how he was coping.
Your mum is younger than I am now so she might feel this is a bit early to make that move. My dad was much older than your mum when he came to live with us and he was starting to need a bit of support, though still independent.
If you have great relationship with your mum though and she is happy to make that move now then it could work out well for both of you. It's a big decision for you both.

I'm 60 and bought a house with annexe with DS and DIL because they can't get on the housing ladder. Works for us. I work full time.
We have VERY clear boundaries though.

Its just whatever works best for you, your mother and your partner OP.

I'm a similar age to you and so is my DM to your DM. I think your proposed set up would work really well for us (DH and I both work full-time in demanding jobs, no kids yet but hopefully when this happens, theres no better childcare/influence than grandparents IMO but (?unfortunately) for us DM works full time also in a demanding career and is a "young" 60 year old. Although I suspect she'd consider retirement/ part-time working if grandchildren were on the horizon. How do you feel about that next chapter (assuming you also want a family)?

Can I be nosy and ask what you do for work that you have already got 2 what sounds like rather large houses with many acres of land and able to provide a home for your DM? Did DM have a role to play in you being so financially successful? Mine certainly did, but has a very good job herself, though I suspect my earning potential is similar just that I am a lot earlier on in my career to her.

Have you actually found a property? Because properties where there are two detached houses on one plot but not right next to one another are few and far between.

It's a great idea. My MIL lives in our enormous house. We share the kitchen and dining room - that's all. This is because she had a stroke at 66 and never regained the movement of half of her body enough to live independently again.

I have 2 boys, 8 and 12. I'm never alone which I hanker for sometimes, but apart from that in my experience it's ideal. We share all bills three ways (1/3 for her, 2/3 for us). Holidaying is a bit of an issue, but you know, we have managed one every year since this arrangement, with the exception of 2020, of course.

She usually makes me a cup of tea when I come in from work, which is a welcome routine she's got into! Plus we have carers twice a day, so I don't do any personal care for her (I'd be rubbish at it, plus it would be awkward).

I like it.

@polka6 Yes I would like a family.

DM played a massive role for sure, it it wasn't for her I wouldn't be where I am today.

Shortly after my lil brother was born our father walked out to never be seen again, our dear mum did everything she could but we were dirt poor and life was really a struggle. She would always go without and put us first which was hard to see.

Mum always had to do everything herself there was no one around to help, so her attitude was always get stuck in and do it, if it was DIY, chopping down a tree, playing football with my brother or working all hours to try and put some food on the table. When you are younger you don't really know any different and I carried on in similar way, independent and working reasonable hard.

I started a business which did well and was bought out by a competitor, I'm still working but doing my own thing which although it doesn't pay mega money it keeps me busy which I like.

I have this and its wonderful! I do have a great relationship with my DM though. As do my DH and children. She's in her 70s and healthy and independent. It has enhanced all our lives.

luckily she keeps herself to herself. Her mother has very interfering

Please be very careful, OP; I've known so many family members who start out like this, but revert to their parents' examples as they age - and that's with folk who weren't averse to going out, socialising, etc, in the first place

As PPs have said, you could be signing yourself up for an ongoing situation with almost no flexibility in time, and if you hope to have a family that's not something I'd personally be prepared to risk

FWIW I liked the idea about selling up and buying her a small flat a bit nearer to you (but not too near)

@HollyBollyBooBoo it would be rural so annex far from the main house and a few acres of land

So really just another small manageable house on piece of land that you own, so not quite a granny annex. Sounds fine if you want to live near each other and she is happy to move to this rural area. Dou you already have a property in mind? Does the annex need to be built?

If she works and has interests near her current home and would she be happy with this move? Does she drive? Sixty seems quite young to be considering this. Might it be better to downsize to somewhere near her current home. It would be better to ask her rather than us!

I think its a great idea. It is much easier to deal with all the issues arising from having an aging parent if they are closer to home. If she is only 60 then maybe she would enjoy being close to you and involved in your family if you have children. I think more and more families are going to be looking for multi-generational housing in the future.

Is a (carefully selected) lodger a possible option to try before you do something more drastic. That would give her money to use on a gardener.

Its a reason to watch "Last tango in Halifax" - for research purposes!

Isn't 60 thenew 40.
You could redo the garden by paving or gravelling areas of lawn and filling flowerbeds with shrubs.